VAN HALEN: OLD vs. NEW

Yee-hah! Everybody on Pluto knows that Van Halen be the coolest band in the world, so why should Earth be any different? As is well-known, however, famed singer David Lee Roth recently left Van Halen to begin his own solo career, and the dapper crooner was replaced with living metal legend Sammy Hagar/ You can just bet that a storm of controversy has been generated by this dramatic twist o’ fate! So excuse us while we dig up letters from readers of both METAL and our “sister” mag, CREEM, concerning this Hagar addition! Aren’t these letters great? Where do you stand, anyway? Who do you like better? You’d better write in and tell us! In the meantime, dig in and enjoy this heapin’ helpin ’ of METAL letters from you— the wonderful readers of METAL, who have now apparently learned to write an’ everything! We love ya, you’re wonderful, let’s have lunch, you’re showbiz, baby!

VAN HALEN NOW GODLIKE!!

As you’ve probably heard, the new Van Halen album is due soon. The world awaits. There’s only one bad point: There are no longer two great bands to enjoy, because they have joined forces to make the best UNBEATABLE. Can’t wait for the live show! Edward, Sammy, Michael, and Alex equal #1 rock ’n’ roll. They will conquer the world and the polls. Rock on & on & on & on...

Kevin Beller

Fairgrove, Ml

SAMMY A BUFFOON?

How about that new Van Halen song, “Why Can’t This Be Love?” Well, the music is great, but what’s up mama’s ass is the part when they sing, “It’s got what it takes...” Damn, it sounds like a CocaCola commercial! The part where our singer virtuoso, Samuel H. does the tribute to Ella Fitzgerald on the solo? Man! I had high hopes for the new album. Now all I have is grief. I’m miffed.

Aggie in tears,

Brooklyn, NY

P.S. Dave was an ass, but I’d take his lyrics that were replete with stinkiosity over Sammy’s futile attempts at music any ol’ day!

DiMARTINO RIGHTFULLY CONGRATULATED!!

Who’s a douchebag?! After reading your March article on the new Van Halen, (congrats to Dave DiMartino on a fine job!), I have one question. What does Edward’s last line mean: “No tampons in this city”? It either means D.L. Roth was a douchebag or everyone in the band is through with their period. I like my first guess better.

The Rat

Adams, NY

P.S. Here’s a great joke for ya! Where do cantaloupes & watermelons go on their vacation? Give up? Answer: John Cougar’s Mellencamp. HA-HA!

EVEN BLACK GUYS LIKE ’EM!!

I saw the cover of the March ’86 CREEM, and I can’t deal with it. David Lee Roth will never grace a Van Halen album cover again. I am saddened by this loss. I’ve seen interviews with Dave on the tube, and he said he left because of Eddie wanting to stay in the studio too long. I believe Dave. I’ve heard Dave with Alex on interview on the radio, and you can’t tell me they weren’t friends. Eddie is acting like a smart-mouth punk (even though he is a god), Alex is acting rude.

I think he is a great drummer and is underrated. I can’t believe Mike Anthony is talking s—! He gets a chance to talk, and he badmouths Mr. Roth. They don’t even call him by his first f—in’ name\\\ Now, Sammy Hagar is a flamin’ assholeU He’s a jerk with a stupid attitude. He’s like a broad who tells the husband’s exwife,“You never cooked what my Eddie liked!” He says Dave can’t understand Ed like someone who plays guitar. Dave plays guitar!!! I heard “Ice Cream Man” and “Could This Be Magic?” But I heard him really play on an interview with Jim Ladd on the radio in ’82, and I have it taped. Don’t worrry Hagar, he plays.

Sammy Hagar can’t write lyrics like Dave did. “I Can’t Drive 55”—come on, that’s an asshole song! How about “Runnin’ With The Devil” or “Hear About It Later” or “Women In Love” or “Ain’t Talkin’ ’Bout Love” or...sorry, I got carried away. F—in’ Hagar can’t dance, has no soul or nothing, and won’t sound right. Dave was cool, almost black! They should’ve hired an unknown singer (maybe me). Sam Halen (good name, eh?) can’t sing as well as Dave, even though Dave isn’t the greatest singer. Hey, Bruce Springsteen is popular, but he’s not as good as Adrian Belew. Most Van Halen fans / know don’t like Hagar, because all he knows is bulls—! Also, they used to badmouth Foreigner and now Mick Jones is their producer. Sammy compliments himself when he says The New Van Hagar sounds the same. How can it? The only group that sounded the same when the lead singer quit was the Miracles, when Smokey left and William what’s-his-name replaced him. A Van Halen live album would’ve worked, even though Eddie doesn’t see the point. The bootlegs aren’t of that good a quality. Now, who wants a live Halen with Sambo as the singer anyway? At a VH show, you can’t see Sammy as well. He’s not as tall as Dave is. Sammy curses too f—in’ much! He’s got no class! Maybe he’s a poet—F— rhymes with f—. The shame is that even though I hate Hagar, he’ll make money from me buying the album and a ticket to the show. Wait till Dave’s album and band come out.

Kevin Pennington

Biggest Black Van Halen Fan

Brooklyn, NY

P.S. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. The Police are in limbo, King Crimson broke up, and Sammy Hagar is in Van Halen!! He’p! The people who make the soundtrack to my life are not together.

GREAT STORY AGAIN PRAISED

Thanks so much for the cover story on Van Halen. I’ve waited a long time to see them on your cover again. I very much look forward to the release of their new record, 5150. Even more so since reading your story on them. I’ve been a fan of Van Halen for quite a while now. Eddie Van Halen is the greatest. I am glad to see Sammy joining them. They’re going to be fantastic as a band, both on record and on concert. Hopefully you’ll do another story on them, after the tour starts and their record is released. I know they’re going to prove to all doubters that they’re better than ever. Sammy, we Van Halen fans welcome you to the Number One band. We love you as much as we do Eddie, Alex & Michael.

Susan Bone Somerville, IN

HAGAR’S LAST NAME BELITTLED!!

Edweirdo jagoff Van Halen jams for some time now. Not a fan of yours or your asshole brother or Michael “traitor” Anthony. So what, you egotistical jackass, so you won guitar player of the year a couple of times, you can thank your mother for filling out all of those ballots. Because we certainly didn’t vote for you! So who do you think you’re hurting by having Sammy Fagar for your new lead singer? No one but yourself, you ass. Remember, Sammy Fagar made albums (can’t say good ones), Van Halen (with Dave) made history. Not the type of history that you’ll be making after 1986. We love ya, Dave!

Cathy and Erin Pittsburgh, PA

“NIPPED” IN THE BLOOD

I really desire to know why the Van Halen brothers (Eddie & Alex) always maintain the status of possessing erect nipples in the shirtless photos.

Dying of Desire in Florida

Ft. Lauderdale, FL

HAGAR TOLD WHAT HE CAN DO, IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS!

I knew it. Sammy Hagar is a confirmed peanut. Edward VH is not as lovable as the press would lead you to believe. Alex, a mindless orangutan. Michael is nowhere. Dave (10 points for the name) DiMartino proved it. He gave me new hope for our hero, David Lee Roth. With David’s new band, how can he fail? He can’t. Maybe, maybe I will be seeing albums as good as Van Halen, Women & Children First & Fair Warning. No more synthesizers, more screams, great guitar & bass licks. Bet says ya don’t like it, Eddie. Roth lives.

EA

Broken Bow, OK

GUY KNOWS TRUE INTERVIEW FACTS

ublish that interview with it’s entirety, did you? up, you left out certain

en you asked Eddie if Van st without David Lee Roth, , “Alex and I are the real ere could be a band withI, there could be a band y, too! They told us, ‘Get e got a blond, but s~, we mmy. Everyone’s scared ans, well, I say, big deal, vhat I’m doin’, fine. If they I don’t need fans. When Dhrist with a guitar, you one. And I mean anyone. 1 machine, I know how to hadn’t threatened to cut me off, I wouldn’t need Alex here either. There’s only two things I need—my guitar and mom’s warm teat. S—, I don’t even need food! It’s a fact, I haven’t eaten anything solid in the last eight years. No s—. Alex’ll tell ya. Tell him Alex. Mom’s milk is the only nourishment I’ve had...”

Go on, pretend he never said it! Or that Sammy didn’t step up and try to change the subject by asking about your flight in. “Did you encounter any turbulence?” Insist Alex never pulled Eddie aside to whisper, “F—, bro’, don’t be starting this crazy s— now. I told you, we’ll do the talking.” Swear on the bible, hope to die, or stick a needle in your eye, Eddie didn’t burst into tears or go running into his studio, slamming the door behind him.

You do not have Michael anywhere on tape, explaining, “He gets like this every month.” Deny you ever heard Alex say something about PMX, or was it PMS? You don’t know which, because Big Al was suddenly rendered inaudible by an earth-shattering guitar riff coming from the studio. Tell me you never said, “I guess necessity is truly the mother of invention.” To which Sammy never added, “I hope he remembered to turn the recorder on.”

Say you don’t know what I’m talking about. Say Van Halen doesn’t need Dale Carnegie or David Lee Roth. Tell me their new Voice, in stereo, is stronger and better than the previous mono version. Wittier too. (I’ll just bet you haven’t washed the hand that shook Alex Van Halen’s). Tell me, Dave was overpaid, overrated, and easily replaced.

Clipper

Editor, Misogynist’s Monthly

Allendale, Ml