HOW DARE YOU TALK TO US? HISTORY'S GREATEST METAL OPINIONS UNVEILED!

HOW DARE YOU TALK TO US? HISTORY'S GREATEST METAL OPINIONS UNVEILED!

Do you remember what Santayana said? That those who don’t remember history are condemned to repeat it? Furthermore, did you realize that he was talking about our famous letters section, only he forgot to mention that, and was therefore condemned to repeat saying that dumb thing about history?

We thought so. We also thought that was one darned clever introduction to this section featuring our readers opinions about metal over the course of a decade! Naturally, these letters didn’t appear in the magnificent METAL, ’cause that superfine mag isn’t a geezer of a publication. Our “sister” mag, CREEM, is quite the geezer, as you probably know—and that’s where these letters were originally published.

Therefore, we’ve taken the opportunity to raid the CREEM files—plus punch out a few of their geezer employees, just for the hell of it—and are reprinting these letters exactly as they appeared in days of yore. We’ve even included the “clever” answers their geezer editors printed, just for historical accuracy...and also to publically embarrass those geezers who, as you know, all live in rest homes in Florida nowadays.

In any case, you’re sure to get a new insight into the state of modern metal when you read these historical documents. As you’ll surely conclude, the very concept of metal has changed for the better. We thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

STEVE TYLER OR ALBERT SCHWEITZER?

(March, 1977)

I am writing in reference to the article on Aerosmith in your December issue. Having met Aerosmith some two years ago in the small city of Dayton, Ohio, I can see what fame and money have done to this band. At least then they weren’t afraid to talk to people. They have now turned into a bunch of self-glorified brats who associate with the common people only because it is the only way they can get their Dorn Perignon, Mercedes Benz, etc. No one makes them go onstage and sing their bathroom songs like "Dream On.” If they really don’t like it and they don’t feel their lives are fulfilling, they should get out of the business and do something worthwhile with their minds. Or take the money from one concert and give it to cancer research. They might feel more fulfilled doing that, than listening to Elissa Perry’s (who comes off sounding like a glorified bigmouth, has-been groupie) cute witticisms about everything from Kiss to South Bend, Indiana. It seems to the band that the only thing that matters is themselves.

Sincerely,

Laura R. Wynn

Parma, Ohio

(How truly wrong you are. How quickly you have allowed yourself to judge. How desperately you have missed the point. Aerosmith already have a charity. A very important charity. Sure, it's been kept hush-hush—you wouldn't want them to blow the gig, would you? The charity is Thick Lip Research, Inc. in Menlo Park, New Jersey. It's for those unfortunate folks who’s lips become thick and painfully swollen with blood whenever “I'm A Man” by the Yardbirds is played. There is no known cure, but there is hope. Thanks to the contributions of Aerosmith, nearly 100 congenitally hearing-impaired lab technicians are working day and night out in Jersey to find a cure.—Ed.)

LED ZEP ZAPS

(Sept., 1977)

Jimmy Page looks as healthy as my grandfather. He died six months ago.

Signed,

Jake Fletcher

Toronto, Canada

(And you 're still keeping him around the house?—Ed.)

HEAVY METAL WILL NEVER DIE!

(Dec., 1979)

Hello. Or should the "o” be first. You guys really blew it this time. I’m writing in retaliation to the October cover story. HEAVY METAL ROCK is not dead and if I have anything to say about it, IT WILL NEVER DIE.

I’ve been sitting here for the last 10 minutes reading this trash that you wrote about America’s HEAVY METAL ROCKERS and I can’t honestly believe that you call yourselves a rock ’n’ roll magazine, are you sure your title isn’t AMERICA’S ONLY DISCO AND FOLK MUSIC MAGAZINE? I realize that some of your “bombs” WERE aimed at the right groups. There were quite a few groups that were needlessly bombarded with your b.s. Such as Boston, Heart, Van Halen, Ted Nugent, Kiss, Bad Company (that was really disgusting). I think you should clean the wax out of your ears before you start judging the quality of our music. I also think you were quite unfair to your readers by giving that new Kiss album such a lousy and mostly untrue review. I’ll concede the fact that they are starting to lose the old magic, but a lot of it is still there, and I’d be the first to admit that I wish there was more. But still the album and the group deserve one heck of a lot more praise than that (if there was any at all). As for ACE Frehley, I think you gave him a bum deal in that little piece of literature you wrote about the album. I could care less about what you say but facts are facts and ACE is one heck of a good guitar player, maybe you just can't hear the music or feel the vibes like I can but YOU ARE WRONG, turn around and face it. Yeah! You!

Bruce A. Myers Ft. Hood, TX

P.S. How dare you print such bulls—? (Thanks for writing, Ace. How’s things in Texas?—Ed.)

A HEEP OF TROUBLE

(Dec., 1977)

I don't like what you said about Uriah Heep’s new album Firefly. I don’t think you know what the hell you’re talking about because if it weren’t for Ken Hensley, there would be no U.H. I seen them live and they kick B.O.C.’s ass, so they are far from imbeciles. When a group puts out 12 albums in seven years, that is quite an accomplishment for most of today’s bands, don’t you think?

Yours truly,

Heep Freak (Jeff Lucas)

Wingate, PA

(Twelve albums in seven years? We call that pressing your luck.—Ed.)

HALLELUJAH!

(Dec., 1977)

I’m writing this letter to say Jimmy Page, I love you! And I think it’s about time everybody bent down and praised the Lord we have Led Zeppelin! Without them who would we turn to? Kiss? Alice Cooper? HELL NO! I’d like to say thanks for doing a damn good job, and to all the folks at CREEM who give us Led Zeppelin the right way, GOOD! We all love ya! To the editor: You’re great! Also, are you tall, dark & handsome?

A Led Zeppelin Follower,

Diana H.

Mt. Morns, Ml (What do you think?—Ed.)

K-9 KONTROL

(August, 1978)

Wow, I thought my little sister was listening to Ted Nugent, but it was just the neighbors’ dogs stuck together! AHAAHWOWW Greg Isbell Carson, CA

CHECKBOARD BELL-BOTTOMS RULE OK!

(October, 1979)

I have just one simple question and all I request is one simple answer. Which of the Van Halen brothers is older, Alex or Edward?

Thankx,

Donna

Scarboro, Ontario (Yes.—Ed.)

GET YOUR HAIR CUT, TED!

(Dec., 1979)

So, Ted Nugent’s new album is called State Of Shock. Must be because he listened to all his previous ones! Gregory Peccary Nowhereland, CA

OUR DARKEST HOUR

(August, 1983)

Did you ever think maybe Ozzy Osbourne is completely sane and sober and we are all so out our mind we don’t even realize it?

Deep Thinker Woodland, CA

IT’S ALIVE?

(April, 1978)

I have been wondering for a long time about the album Presence of Led Zeppelin’s. On the cover there is a family of people at a table and in the middle is this object, it is black and weird, and they all stare at it. In the middle of the cover and on the back every picture has it, and the people stare at it. Can you please tell me what it is?

Wondering & Waiting

(Elton John’s first rug.—Ed.)

BALLAD OF EASY RIDER

(Jan., 1980)

I’m/We’re really pissed man ’cause like in your October issue what you said about Heavy Metal was a Bad Trip man, a real drag. I mean Heavy Metal is the only way teenagers can express their feelings. Man, Heavy Metal is Beautiful, will always be, that’s just the way it is. We can’t let that Disco s— take over, it’s totally sickening, man. If you think Heavy Metal is goin’ down the drain then you’re living in another galaxy. Like Jimmy Page is God and Geddy Lee’s voice is made of Pure Gold not to mention Ozzy Osbourne and Black Sabbath predicting the future and telling it the way it is. Robert Plant keeps us from losing our minds. If you don’t know what sucks I’ll tell ya. Disco in any form no matter what they call themselves you can always pick them out no matter what they say or do there’s still disco and it’s just really pathetic. Heavy Metal is gonna be here forever and the Rock Acid Heavy Metal Hippies all of us we’re still here and Disco will never beat us!

Love & Peace,

Sunrise

Northern Virginia, VA (Thanks for the pep talk, Pete. Say hello to your sister and dad. Next month: Dennis Hopper responds.—Ed.)

BATTLE OF THE OINKS!!

(May, 1980)

So Meat Loaf thinks he puts on a good show, huh? What a bunch of S—! I just saw him on Saturday Night Live. WHAT A PATHETIC SLIME MOLD! Ghaad, what a pig! Talk about watereddown, formula rock, this dude takes the cake. An’ that ain’t my only bitch, so don’t throw this letter into the trash burner yet. I was readin’ a local music paper the other night. Here’s this interview with the Clash, made during their recent pass through town, in which one of those dumb s—s made the following quote: “True punks dig rock in all of its forms.” OK, fair enough, but I wouldn’t know because I’m not a punk. Well I also read this quote by one ot the Clash in your fair mag: “Led Zeppelin?

I don’t even have to listen to the music. One look at the album cover and I wanna puke.” I rest my case. Oh well, that just proves in my mind what I knew all along: that the Clash suck and that Led Zeppelin rules.

Do drugs everyday.

Joe Schmoe Seattle, WA

P.S. No relation to Joe Blow.

(And the chromosome damage controversy continues.—Ed.)

B.F. SKINNER WAS RIGHT!

(August, 1980)

I just bought the BEST ALBUM EVER!!! WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST1!! Not

that / and II weren’t good (Because / kicks ass) but s— the cover is the hottest thing since Zep’s f—’ collage!! Page kicks ass, Eddie VH shreds, Trower cranks, Hendrix: Not enough words to describe, Page, Roth, Tyler, Marylyn forever!!!!! And Scorpions tear it UP!!! And anyone who doesn’t think so can eat my Tallywacker!!!

A F— Up Heavy Metal Fan

Wasteland, CA

(Canada is lovely during the summer. -Ed.)

TYPED LETTERS GET RESULTS!

(Dec., 1980)

Regarding the Punk vs. Heavy Metal Debate, I have this to say: All of the following artists are represented in my music collection:

AC/DC, Aerosmith, Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, Van Halen, the Who, the Clash, Elvis Costello, the Cramps, Devo, the Ramones, the Sex Pistols.

That should sum up where I stand.

There are two other aspects of the Great Debate I would like to comment on.

1. Gayness. No doubt the proportion of gay/bi/straight people in Heavy Metal is the same as it is in Punk is the same as it is in the general population, and what bloody difference does it make anyway? There seems to be a notion that if a musician is gay, his music must be wimpy or weak. Anyone who still clings to the antiquated notion that all guys are limpwristed fairies should stop by any leather bar in San Francisco sometime. Some of these guys could rip you to shreds, and probably will.

2. Attitudes toward women. I am about as feminist as you can get, but I buy an album because I like the music, not because I want to marry and/or settledown with the boys in the band. AC/DC is one of my absolute favorite bands, but

I will be the first to admit that their attitude towards women stinks, and I’m not sure I would want to be left alone in the same room with Angus and Malcolm Young. On the other hand, I am not so thrilled with the Clash’s attitude toward women either.

I mean, where the hell does Joe Strummer get off pronouncing on what type of birth control women should use? The only rock ’n’ roller around whose attitude I really like is Tom Petty, who seems to have discovered the amazing fact that women are people, not members of an alien species, with basically the same hopes, fears, and desires as anyone else. Anyway, as some jerk said, it’s still rock ’n’ roll to me.

Kodi

San Jose, CA

P.S. This is the only letter you will get from me on this subject.

P.P.S. This is also the only letter you will get from me that’s typed.

(This is also the only letter from you that will ever get printed.—Ed.)

HEAVY METAL, DEEP THINKING UNRELATED! (March, 1981)

What is this punk rock and new wave s—, huh? I mean, when’s the last time you guys had an article on Ritchie Blackmore, UFO or Black Sabbath (Who put on an absolutely great show here in NYC)? And in case you haven’t noticed yet. Ronnie James Dio is about five times as good as a singer a Robert Plant. But do we ever see R.J.D. on the calendar? NooooooooooooH You give us wimps like Bruce Springsteen and Rick Nielsen, plastic bitches like Debbie Harry and Pat Benatar. What’s next, Barry Manilow? And (this is a personal plea to Rick Johnson) how about running a feature on some of the old heavy metal bands? Groups like Sir Lord Baltimore, Dust, Deep Purple and Boomerang are miles ahead of anything the Clash or Public Image Limited are capable of producing. But instead of giving us an interview with Ozzy (remember him?) or a retrospective on Rainbow, you give us—and this is from your Dec./80 issue—Peter “Hermit Breath’’ Noone, Martha Davis and four sexual deviants, Rick Nielsen looking awfully stupid and sticking his foot in his mouth when he isn’t looking, John Cougar trying to look punk, and (oh yecccchl!) the B-52’s.

Now the crowning achievement of the issue had to be that peachy nifty shot of Bruce (“S--s”) Springsteen proving that his guitar is actually taller than he is!! He’s just so adorable! Must give you credit for the Wimp Rock article, though. Rick Johnson definitely gave Paul McCartney what he deserved.

Hey, it’s time to go drop some acid and groove to Sabbath, Maaaan, so I’ll be a nice guy and let you off the hook. But don’t ever let it happen again!!!!!

Give me Heavy Metal or give me death,

Louis Dambra (just kidding).

Somewhere out around Alpha Centauri

P.S. For the final word on the subject; Jimmy Page not only plays the guitar about a zillion times better than Joe Strummer, but he also dresses better!

P.P.S. He also makes more money. (You said it, we didn't.—Ed.)

NOTE FROM MOM!

(Oct., 1981)

You’ll have to excuse Little Davey Lee Roth. He’s emotionally unbalanced. He has no control whatsoever over his obnoxious behavior. Or, better yet, just ignore him altogether. Like I do.

Bloomington, IN

ROCK DEFINED!

(March, 1982)

What gives here? You bill yourself as America’s Only Rock ’n’ Roll Magazine, but all you print is new wave bulls—. New wave is not music, it is agony. Looking at those new wave chicks is really weird, like Bizarro World in living color. And those great new wave guys! Don’t you people realize that they are all wimps and ugly people???!!! Not only that, but they have no musical talent. None. They are devoid of it. Rock ’n’ roll, if you haven’t figured it out yet, is Def Leppard. It is Rainbow. It is Black Sabbath. It is UFO. It is Deep Purple. It is Ozzy. It is Michael Schenker. And of course, it is Ritchie Blackmore. It is not Romeo Void. It is not Pat Benatar. It is most certainly not Bruce Springsteen. It is not the Clash. It is not XTC. It is not Human Sexual Response. It is not Van Halen. I think you get the idea. Rock ’n’ roll has its roots in the blues. Heavy metal is also a way of life. Breakfast with Black Sabbath, lunch with Led Zeppelin and dinner with Deep Purple. Some people even take drugs when they listen to heavy metal. Even heavy metal is a drug. “Beam me up Scotty!’’ Oh, sorry. These are really powerful drugs, man.

Wrathchild

Hempstead, NY

P.S. Statistics show that four out of five people who take heavy drugs think that Ritchie Blackmore is God.

(On the other hand, Ritchie Blackmore, who takes statistics, thinks four out of five people are God.—Ed.)

FEATHER WHAMMY

(Oct., 1983)

This letter is in response to all those millions of Led Zep fans out there who always wanted to know what the four “symbols” that represent their fourth LP mean.

John Bonham’s symbol was the three circles. It means the trilogy—man, woman, and child.

John Paul Jones’s symbol, the second from the left, was found in a book about runes and was said to represent a person who is both confident and competent, because it was so difficult to draw accurately.

Robert Plant’s symbol is his own design...the feather, a symbol on which all sorts of philosophies have been based and which has a very interesting heritage. It was drawn up from sacred symbols of the ancient Mu civilization which existed about 15,000 years ago as part of a lost continent somewhere in the Pacific between China and Mexico. These Mu people left stone tablets with their symbols inscribed into them all over the place...Mexico and other places.

And last but not least, Jimmy Page lovers across the continent. His symbol was something he designed himself. It’s not a word, though their fourth LP was often mistook for the word Zoso. Jimmy only told the meaning of his symbol to Robert once. But wouldn’t you know it. Robert forgot what Pagey’s symbol meant. Ah, but knowing Pagey, it’ll turn up in some long lost book.

Zep Aficianado

Tampa, FL (Mu?—Ed.)

BRAINS REQUIRED

(Dec., 1983)

I have been excited ever since I went to Iron Maiden in concert in Nashville and thought I would be relieved of some of my frustration if I wrote and told you about it. Iron Maiden, Saxon and Fastway are all three super-dynamic Heavy Metal bands and proved this to be true on that magical night in Nashville!

You should have seen Eddie when he made his appearance with Iron Maiden and Bruce proceeded to knock his block off. Eddie’s brains fell onto the stage floor and Bruce proved triumphant as he held the brain up high for everyone to see. Don’t you just love happy endings?

Tink Cooper

Murfreesboro, TN

STILL THINKING ABOUT THIS ONE...

(April, 1984)

People who listen to heavy metal are almost as smart as people who read CREEM.

Laura Biliski

Alyse

Kimmelman New York, NY