The phone rang and an unfamiliar voice said: "Is this Jaan Uhelszki?" Assuming that the caller was a bill collector or someone of like obnoxiousness, I kept my tone as bland as possible.

"What's this in reference to?"

"I can only explain it to Uhelszki," the voice insisted.

Curiosity forced me to confess that this was indeed J. Uhelszki, further adding, "What can I do for you?"

"As a member of the working press, if I divulge certain facts to you, would you keep your source anonymous?"

At this point I was convinced he was putting me on. "Hey, listen, I'm a rock journalist, nothing more, so what could you possibly want to turn over to me?" (If it was a joke, I was going to play the straight man out of curiosity. I wanted to find out if he wanted me to let Prince Albert out of the can.)

"I have some confidential material conclusively proving that two of America's hit artists are perverts!" the voice boomed. By now he had me, hook, line and sinker.

"Why me?" I asked.

"Because I'm familiar with your articles, and you live in my neighborhood."

"Since you seem to be onto something, we shouldn't talk over the phone," I explained to the voice.

"Evidence!" he retorted. "Not only do I have evidence, I've got the goods."

"Say no more, meet me outside the telephone booth at Hughes Market at exactly 11 o'clock tomorrow morning. And please bring all your tangible evidence," I said with studied nonchalance. "But before our meeting, I must ask you one question: which rock stars are you accusing of perversion?"

I'm totally ruled by sex, it rules my whole being. --Daryl Hall

"Hall & Oates," the voice answered resolutely. "Tomorrow at 11 you'll have your proof."

Hall & Oates? What smut could these perfect specimens of clean-living American manhood be involved in? If the man had said Freddie Mercury or perhaps even Peter Criss, I might be buying, but I couldn't consider this duo guilty of anything worse than illegal parking.

Promptly at 11,1 was at the meeting place, when I was approached by a rather strange-looking person wearing a tweed top coat and bifocals.

"You must be Jaan Uhelszki. I can tell by your pictures," he said. "Before I turn over this evidence, I want to be sure that you can publish it and will keep me anonymous."

I was about to dismiss the whole thing, but some sick memory of Nancy Drew compelled me to say, "Okay, let me see the perversion documents."

"I haven't had my assurances yet," argued this odd individual.

"I'll do the best that I can. I don't think anyone can promise anything 100%. But if I'm impressed by the evidence, I'll try my best to meet all your specifications." I guess my candor was convincing. The large manila envelope which I had been eyeing was thrust into my hands. "Deep Six," as the voice became known to me, said, "Here, this should do it. I'll call you later."

I couldn't open it up right there, so I raced home—what, besides some juicy Polaroids, could this manila envelope contain?

Was I disappointed when I tore open the envelope only to find a copy of a psychiatric report. But it was too late to stop now, so I began reading.

Although I wasn't certain "Six" wasn't some kind of religious nut, or merely manic, I nonetheless am publishing this report in the hopes that no more of our artists will be blackmailed by the likes of him.

Dr. J. Schmeker

1901 Avenue of the Stars

Century City, CA 90069

May 19, 1977

Re: Psychological report on Daryl Hall and John Oates.

Before this undertaking, I decided to prepare myself for the therapy session by doing some homework about the act.

Case History: Daryl Hall and John Oates have been working together since around 1968 when they were in a band called Gulliver, though their career as a duo didn't fully get underway until they left Philadelphia for New York. The move to New York gave them the incentive for more originality and complexity in their approach, and now they are slightly contemptuous of the Philadelphia circle of musicians.

Since the move, they've made five albums: Whole Oates, Abandoned Lunchonette, War Babies (all on Atlantic) , and Bigger Than Both Of Us (for RCA). Their reputation and following have gradually grown with each of those albums, along with their constant touring.

Analysis: I saw Daryl and John on three separate occasions; once together, then individually, because I felt that although they had been together for quite a while I wasn't going to be able to fully understand each of their problems unless I isolated them.

During this first visit Daryl said: "My secret ambition is, I want to be a rock star, that's all I care about." Intrigued with his admission, I inquired about any other secrets. It was John who answered that. "All my skeletons have been put in my songs."

Daryl added: "We covered everything from our first impression up to yesterday in one album or another.

Let's face It, black Is fun...they're looking good, they look like they're having morefun... —John Oates

You know I can't cry; I cry in my music, so there are no tears nor any skeletons that aren't in our songs."

Another problem that I found in this first encounter was the discussion of their hometown of Philadelphia:

"My history doesn't have anything to do with my life right now, not even my musical life," Daryl stated. "I was a different person when I lived in Philadelphia. I thought differently then. I have changed 100%. Every part of my mental body has been reconstructed. Something has taken place, like cells rejuvenating."

John's interpretation of his origins were a little different. "If you're from Philly, you can't escape it. It's in the air, it's on the radio—it's a soulful place. If you live there you breathe it, and if you pay any attention and sense the feeling in the air, you're going to pick up black music."

"When we left Philadelphia everybody got pissed off at us," said Daryl.

"We got a lot of flack because we didn't constantly tell people we were from Philly. We didn't have that ethnocentricity of most Philadelphians; besides that, we did one thing worse—we left."

"I don't think you'll ever meet a person from Philadelphia that won't let you know where they're from," John stated.

"You know if i think about it, we're probably the only white act to come out of the area—but that's not to say we're a blackface act," Daryl said vehemently.

This blackface comment prompted me to probe this racial area a little further.

"We resent being called blue-eyed soulsters!" Daryl said. "We're not into imitating black people, and I resent being accused of it."

"But I do have to admit that there was a time in both our careers when we did copy black music," John countered. "You can't develop a style of your own unless you copy the masters, but we're years beyond that."

"The idea of copying blackness is so stupid to me. First it s socially immoral for a white person to act like a black person. It's all right if you're a kid and you're using it as a learning process. But if you're professionals and you're doing it, it's fucked up," said Daryl.

We ended the first visit with one question: I asked both of them whether, being in such close proximity, they had developed any personality quirks. They insisted on answering for each other. Said Daryl: "He sings the same line over and over again for two hours. Like: 'Where are the spiders, where are the spiders, where are the spiders?' "

Said John: "He sometimes has the delusion that he's asleep when he's awake. As he's going through life doing ordinary, everyday things, he suddenly has trouble discerning whether he's asleep and dreaming he's doing something, or really doing it."

They agreed to return solo, because we all knew we'd reached our limit as a group.

SECOND ANALYSIS:

DARYL HALL. .

Daryl appeared for the morning sessions, and was initially very cooperative when I introduced the topics of blackness, self-image and sex. The transcripts of that session are as follows: Q. When did you first become aware of the black culture?

A: I think I experienced very early WASP guilt. The WASP existence has absolutely no soul, it operates purely on intellect. When I was 14 years old, I hung out with every black person I could find. I think that in order to reject my WASPishness, I socialized only with black people in order to assimilate their whole emotional sphere, because I was looking for some sense of soul. So where I looked, and eventually found it, was on the street corners.

Q: Did you ever view yourself as a Negro?

A: Well, when I was working with Gamble and Huff, I was black. It wasn't that I related to myself as a white person trying to act like a black person, but there was a point in time where I really did relate to myself as a black person.

Q: Did you fraternize with black females?

A: At that time,_J never made the distinction. I was living in North Philadelphia, in the center of the ghetto, and everyone I knew was black. Everyone related to me without any reverse racial prejudice—I was accepted because I was me. Then, there was a period of time in my life where I would think, "Should I dress like a white person?" since it was contrary to what I s felt. I went through a phase where I didn't want to wear blue jeans because they were too white. It was a weird kind of reverse identity that can only happen to you when you're a teenager—whenyou completely take on the blackness and it becomes your personality.

ft's socially Immoral for a white person to act like a black person. -Daryl Hall

Q: Does that prevent you from going back to working with black musicians? A: Yes, because blackness is a different kind of sexual vibe...I want to keep it young, pretty and white.

Q: Now that we're here, we might as well discuss your feelings about sex. A: I'm totally ruled by sex, it rules my whole being. I'm ruled as much by my cock as I am by my brain. Being called the latest rock sex symbol does wonders for my sex life. It gets me laid more. I relate sexually to things because sex is to me a part of creation and it all runs together.

Q: Who are your fans?

A: Well, sometimes we get gay males, and some musician types. As for females, we attract a giant crosssection . We get everything from longhaired folkie girls to rockers. College girls and housewives who send us poems. Every type of girl except real overt scorchers. But that's okay, we're not shooting for the quaalude teen queens. That's platform consciousness. We're not into raw excitement at the expense of any kind of emotion. Q: Let's get back to this process of communication, how do you go about it?

A: I can't really put it into words...I kind of tease and seduce the audience from the stage; I'm into playing their little games.

Q: For quite a while, you and John didn't seem to have any one distinct image. Would you say you were suffering from an identity crisis?

A: I don't really know, but I will admit we were a little schizophrenic for a while, and we were searching for a direction but we finally have begun to establish some kind of a pattern, since Bigger Than Both Of Us was very similar to the'silver RCA album. The reason for our former confusion about what we wanted and who we were was that we weren't getting any feedback, we didn't know what people liked or didn't like because we weren't'selling any records. So we were trying anything we coiild think of, indulging ourselves by going through every style in our musical repertoire. Now we have more of an idea about what people like from us, and we're more established in what we're doing. We're getting a more mainstream idea, and what we're good at—so now no one will be able to accuse us of being fags that sing like the Spinners.

Q: Since you've explained to me what you're not, how do you view yourself? A: I'm an artist as opposed to being an entertainer,. We didn't start this because we wanted to be rock stars. We are a couple of the few musicians in pop music.

Q: But you said before that you were living out your secret ambition to be a rock star. Would you say that's a bit of a contradiction?

A: Uh, may I go to the bathroom?

Should I mention that was the last I saw of Daryl; a definite escapist move. I hope this behavior doesn't extend to John, and that he shows up for his appointment.

THIRD ANALYSIS: JOHN OATES. John arrives later that afternoon, and we discuss the same topics. Here follows the result of that interview.

Q: When did you first become aware of the concept of blackness?

A: It always existed for me. There's a lot of white guys in Philadelphia who have become black, for all intents and purposes. They're married to black girls and live a black existence.

Q: Was there a point where you considered yourself black?

A: Yeah, I went through it. I've got pictures of me when I was 17 years old, trying my best to grow a little goatee, wearing silk suits with sunglasses. I thought I was Ray Charles or something. You want to know why?—-Let's face it: black is fun, especially when you're 16. They're having fun, that's all there is to it. They're looking good, they look like they're having a better time, and they sound like they're braving more fun. There was a time I wouldn't listen to anything that wasn't black music. I got into it and it took me a while to break out of it—I mean to realize I wasn't black.

Q: Do you ever see yourself as being black now?

A: No, not anymore. Although Thom Bell asked our producer Chris Bond, after listening to the rough mixes ofrour last album, "Are those guys still trying to be niggefs?" But I think, now that we've had enough exposure, most people no longer think we're black— which was what they were thinking in the beginning.

Q: Since you seem to have shed all your Negro, tendencies, does that prevent you from working with black musicians?

A: No not at all. If I found someone I like to play with, I wouldn't care who or what they were.

Q: Since rock 'n' roll is frequently equated with sex, I'd like to discuss your feelings about the subject.

A: Well, to tell you the truth, I got into rock 'n' roll to pick up girls. Now, uh, well I'd consider sex as one of my hobbies. That is, along with amateur film making and formula racing. But, I can honestly say two of my greatest pleasures are dating and sex.

Q: Do you have many sexual fantasies?

A: No. I've done them all. In fact I can't think of any I haven't fulfilled. But then maybe I have a limited imagination; but whether I do or hot, it bothers me to think that some people go through their whole lives never fulfilling one of their fantasies, much less all of them. I've gone my short life and I've fulfilled most every sexual fantasy—so I don't know where that leads.me.

Q: Do you have any fantasies about your fans?

A: Sure, all the time. I love to play with those little girls—that's what they come for, you know. I think it's a performer's obligation to do everything he can so that the audience feels they've taken home a part of you. To me, that's communication, to a female fan it implies flirting and teasing. Daryl's a pro at it. You should see him when he sings "Sara Smile." He walks out to the front, to the very precipice of the stage, with his eyes half shut, and blatantly rubs his crotch, while he sings to those girls. There's not much more you can do to communicate, other than jerking off the entire front row. You can be sure Ihose girls get tpe point.

Q: Who are those fans—only girls?

A:, No we have two varieties—a male fan and a female fan. A male fan is either a fag—for instance like this Japanese fan who wrote—"My point becomes hot and strong when I think of you, Daryl and John. You are my new lovers." That's one type; the other kind of male fan is interested in our production techniques, and how we get the sound that we do. As for the girls, we get all types. All types that is, except for young girls.

TURN TO PAGE 68.

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 34.

Q: Does that bother you?

A: Yeah, it does. You see I have a youth fetish—for very young girls. Preferably pre-pubescent. Eleven is the youngest I've ever had.

Q: Do you consider your sexual preferences normal?

A: Sure, I'm just a good, clean American boy.

Q: That statement seems a little incongruous with the image you and Daryl want to project. Would you say the two of you have been suffering from an identity crisis?

A: Yes. Up until our silver RCA album, we felt we hadn't given anyone any kind of image. We had made three diverse albums and we hadn't usedpur faces or our personalities on the cover, which wasn't great for trying to get any kind of image across. So, we decided to change all that and went completely over the edge. So for that we were accused of being fags—but at least we weren't being ignored anymore. It didn't hurt to try anything, was our philosophy. If you're not selling records, nothing is going to harm you. Q: How do you currently see yourself? A: As a cigar-smoking, suave epicurian.

Q: I'm not sure I quite understand... A: Don't wopry about it, that all comes with success. All that stuff I mentioned is icing^ I personally see myself as a success.

Q: What's the advantage of being a success?

A: It enables Daryl and myself to keep our manager in caviar and Italian shirts. Q: Why did it take the two of you nine years to achieve success?

A: Regardless of the time it took, we got it because we deserve it.

Q: So now that you're the kings of the rock-pile, where do you go from here? Where do you see yourself in say, five years?

A: You know, I don't think that really matters. Didn't you know rock 'n' roll is the only place where you can be Peter Pan forever?

The rest of the psychiatrist's report rambles on and on. Technical stuff, but why cover the magazine with medical jargon, the point's been made.

" I waited for Deep Six's reaction to the publication of these letters. Although I pegged him as some ex-elementary school principal type, he did have access to more of these files.

Deep Six, if you're out, there, how about the Rolling Stones...Led Zeppelin? Ever hear of Elton John?