QUESTIONS & JAANSWERS

QUESTIONS & JAANSWERS

CREEM O.G. Jaan Uhelszki fixes your (love) life, among other pressing queries

The questions you ask every issue seem to fall into a theme. This time there was a lot of tentative romantic questions: Should I make a move? Tell them I care? Can this relationship work? Love—or love anxiety—was on everybody’s mind, but you guys were only dipping a cautious toe in. Which, in these uncertain times, isn’t a bad thing. I’m not really a love-at-first-sight type myself. Falling in love is like listening to the second Stone Roses album: It has to grow on you.

A few of you still wanted to pry behind my own personal backstage door: Who was the scariest person to interview? Chrissie Hynde, hands down. If you don’t believe me, go listen to David Greene’s interview on NPR back in 2016.

Who was the rudest? John Lydon, but that’s on brand. Would you expect anything different? The second time I interviewed him he refused to talk to me unless I did tequila shots with him at 10 a.m. at his kitchen table. Ultimately, it was worth it. The tequila was expensive, and he told me some truly startling things.

Who was the nicest? Peter Frampton. Nice, but complicated. Pete Townshend, too. I think the question I get more than any other: Is Aaron Dessner nice? Is Morrissey? What about Lana Del Rey? Father John Misty? I’ve learned to just lie. Nobody wants to hear how hateable their favorites are. I really don’t want to know what Mick Jagger is really, really like. That you were behind him in line at a Santa Monica Starbucks and he was rude

to the barista. Nope. Keep it to your damn self.

Dear Jaan,

I seem to fall in love with every performer I see and hear at every live concert. It’s even getting in the way of how I function in my actual everyday relationships. Short of dishing out fantasy roles to everyone I date, what should I do?

Julie Bernstein

Hilo, Hawaii

Dear Julie,

You know how, after you’ve been sleeping with someone for a while, you start pretending they’re other people when you have sex? Just pretend you’ve been dating all the performers you love for years, and then pretend you’re bored with them, and you’re imagining it’s the person you’re actually dating. Everyone wins. In the biz, we call this the “reverse Steven Tyler.”

Dear Jaan,

Why do musicians only date models?

Kate Moss

Little Faringdon, West Oxfordshire

Dear Kate,

Because they can.

Dear Jaan,

Has anyone ever told you how stupid the extra “a” is in your name?

Jazzmyn O’Neill

San Francisco, California

Dear Jazzmyn,

Yeah. Jann Wenner.

Dear Jaan,

What was the best romantic advice you’ve gotten from a rock star?

Nosy in New York

Niagara Falls, New York

Dear Nosy,

“Just don’t be here in the morning when I wake up." And before you ask, Rod Stewart did not tell me that in real life. (For so many reasons, but No. 1, I’m not a blonde.) It’s just a song, friends. But if you know me, you know I did confront him about the sentiment in an interview a few years ago—and how it impacted my personal dating habits. (I think for the better, as far as a relationship’s power dynamic goes.) It was right after I asked Stephen Stills if he thought it was a good romantic strategy to “Love the One You’re With." (“No, not really.’’) I need to learn not to be so literal about song lyrics. Or I don’t.

Dear Jaan,

I’ve read a lot of your interviews over the years, and you ask some really personal questions of artists. Sometimes just downright embarrassing. Do you ever feel you can go too far? Have you? Has anyone ever asked you to knock it off? What do you do?

Redmond Allen

Portland, Oregon

Dear Red,

I once asked James Hetfield if Lars Ulrich was his best friend, and he got flustered and blushed. That said, in all my years, only one person has told me that I was getting too personal, and that was Iggy Pop. I asked him what it was like being married to him, and he told me a little tartly and specifically that he wouldn’t speak about his second wife, Suchi Asano, because she wasn’t there to speak for herself. That wasn’t exactly what I asked, but it did get a rise.

And in another instance, I didn’t realize I had gone too far. During an interview with Thirty Seconds to Mars, Jared Leto turned out to be a tattletale, squealing to my sainted editor Jason Pettigrew at Alternative Press that I was asking too many personal questions. Personal? As in “Where did you grow up?” I honestly was just trying to establish rapport, and at the time, I didn’t know his father had committed suicide when he was 8. But I’m not even sure that’s what it was.

Mostly the kind of artists that I interview don’t want to seem vulnerable or weak. They tend not to want to admit that I’ve hit a nerve or left them feeling exposed. During an interview, I make it a point to read their body language—folded arms, angling their body as far as possible from me, their feet pointed away from me, or looking at the floor or around the room and not at me. Then I know I’m in dangerous territory. But it happens so rarely. What I have learned is that few people refuse to answer a question. It’s like humans are programmed to answer what is asked of them. They may develop interviewee’s regret after the fact, but at the time, most of them just answer.

Dear Jaan,

I’m a glamping VIP hotel suite kind of festival babe. My boyfriend is a smelly camping outside communal shower kind of festival guy. Can we make it work?

Princess in the Pines

Silver Spring, Maryland

Dear Princess,

Only if one of you gets their way. Probably you.

Dear Jaan,

How do I know if I have been ghosted?

Casper

Cheyenne, Wyoming

Dear Casper,

Just assume that you were.

Dear Jaan,

What’s your favorite hangover cure?

Crying and Heaving

Austin, Texas

Dear Crying and Heaving,

Take drugs instead! Lester Bangs was always a big proponent of avoid a hangover at any cost, so after a night of overindulgence, he always preached to the CREEM staff not to forget to drink three tumblers of water and take three aspirins. It never worked.

Dear Jaan,

I’m looking for that one classic wardrobe item that can cover it all in terms of cool when it comes to the ’60s, ’70s, ’80s, and ’90s. AND it needs to not make me look like a leftover when it comes to the here and NOW.

Help.

Nadine Blank

Falls Church, Virginia

Dear Nadine,

I’d recommend surgery to get Lemmy’s wart.

Dear Jaan,

Can you be in a relationship with someone whose musical tastes you consider appalling? My girlfriend is a Juggalo, and I’m more of a Phish head. What constitutes a musical dealbreaker in a relationship?

Insane in the Membrane

Detroit, Michigan

Dear Insane,

I think you may be on the winning end of this deal. Put a ring on it.

Dear Jaan,

When I married my wife, I knew I would also be marrying her cat, Snoop Catty Cat. But I didn’t know that Snoop hates everybody but her, only eats raw dog food mixed with scrambled eggs, and farts every time I put a record on the turntable. Unless it’s an ELO or Sting record. I hate ELO and Sting, but they’re both favorites of my wife. So now, if I want to listen to music, I have to listen to Spotify on headphones alone in the bathroom. This is becoming unacceptable. No, it is completely unacceptable. My question is: ELO? Sting? How did I not see this coming?

King in Pain

Chicago, Illinois

Dear King,

Love is blind, but it’s apparently deaf too... You didn’t mention what you’re listening to in the bathroom. Do you ever wonder what the Queen in Pain thinks of your taste?

Dear Jaan,

I’m in a band, never mind which one. I’ll just say we’re successful and we tour. A lot. Lately I have developed feelings for one of my bandmates. Should I tell him how I feel?

Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground Detroit, Michigan

Dear Leaves and Ground,

Have you heard of Fleetwood Mac? The White Stripes? Noah and the Whale? No Doubt? ABBA? Keep it to yourself! Call me a cynic, but for every Bruce and Patti, there are a thousand Kims and Thurstons. Just go write a song about it and spare yourself the heartbreak, Bunky.

Dear Jaan,

Do real people write to you, or do you make up the letters? Please excuse the ratty envelope and pencil. It’s all I had with me.

Curious Yellow

Terre Haute, Indiana

Dear Yellow,

I do make up the letters. Don’t worry about the envelope and pencil.

Got a question for Jaan? Email editor@creem.com.