CELLULOID HEROES

CELLULOID HEROES

CREEM GOES TO THE MOVIES

Like Dylan in something or other, CREEM looks back at 69 nice years of rock soundtracks

Andreas Loretan

It’s been 69 years since Hollywood decided to exploit a passing fad called rock ’n’ roll, teaching us a valuable lesson still treasured today: If you need an emotional shortcut, add more guitars. From Blackboard Jungle using “Rock Around the Clock” to hypnotize impressionable teens into mugging old ladies for their purses, to The Crow creating a template for school-shooter warm-up playlists for decades to come, to modern blockbusters beating us over the head with bullshit nostalgia—cinema doesn’t just help us make sense of the world, it reminds us how badass a riff can sound when it’s played over an action star jumping out of a helicopter.

BLACKBOARDJUNGLE (1955)

The only rock 'n' roll song featured in this movie is the one everyone knows: “Rock Around the Clock” by Bill Haley & His Comets. It’s hard to imagine now, but this jaunty rockabilly tune used to make teenagers beat the shit out of each other. That is a massive accomplishment for what is functionally a musical ode to different times of the day.

EASY RIDER (1969)

Easy Rider is an easy pick for this list, but seriously, it’s almost like this movie was made immediately after hearing Steppenwolf for the first time. There is no other image that pops into your head than giant motorcycles when you hear “Born to Be Wild,” like an easy-A aural Rorschach test. It was just upto Dennis Hopper to put the image to the riff, and he made the grade.

ANIMAL HOUSE (1978)

Known for “Louie Louie," this soundtrack serves up a whole array of frat rock hits that provide a perfect soundtrack to getting drunk in a prim collared shirt. An unsung highlight of Animal House’s soundtrack is an original tune: “Shama Lama Ding Dong” by Otis Day and the Knights, a pitch-perfect parody of the sometimes Seussical doo-wop that conquered college parties of the early ’60s. It’s another backdrop for getting sloshed, just a bit slower.

CHEECH AND CHONG’S UP IN SMOKE (1978)

Your dad is still laughing his ass off at a few songs on this soundtrack. While you and I know the movie isn’t exactly comedic genius, and the weed Dad smoked in college would be legally classified as catnip today, we also know that dads live with the disappointment of everything they loved about the past fading away. So just let him have it. What mainly earns this movie a mention is the live appearance of California punk legends the Dils, with singer-guitarist Chip Kinman sporting a CREEM magazine T-shirt, the graphic even crossed out in black tape.

ROCK ’N’ ROLL HIGH SCHOOL (1979)

This should be obvious to any CREEM reader, but it’s worth reiterating: The “I Want You Around” sequence, where P.J. Soles sees Dee Dee Ramone playing bass in her shower, is the most sweetly intimate moment in cinematic history. But what the hell is Brian Eno doing on this soundtrack? That dude is everywhere, including every New York Times crossword puzzle.

HEAVY METAL (1981)

It feels like a cheat code to include this soundtrack, which somehow includes Devo, but what really kicks it up another notch is the sound quality of every “soundtrack version” across the track list. The mixing is muddy, the drums a bit fuzzy, giving the feeling that you’re listening on a tiny portable radio in your mom’s basement while playing Dungeons & Dragons. Also, if you hear “The Mob Rules” and still have shit to talk on Dio Sabbath, you are a certified massive dweeb, true neutral.

VALLEY GIRL (1983)

Eighties new-wave overload that could make any Gen Xer shed a tear in pure nostalgic euphoria. While our modern, irony-poisoned brains scoff at the schlocky sincerity of John Hughes soundtracks, Valley Girl gives us the goods with the actual fun stuff: pure sass from Josie Cotton and the Flirts, while throwing in Modern English and Psychedelic Furs megabits for the radio devotees.

REPO MAN (1984)

The ultimate '80s punk movie soundtrack... right? Iggy Pop phones in Mad Libs lyricism over a half-assed surf instrumental. “TV Party” sticks out from the Black Flag catalog like a thumb for just how goofy it is. Right up against "Institutionalized," which holds a similar place in the Suicidal Tendencies discography (both songs fit the movie’s themes to a tee). Circle Jerks make an appearance as a lounge band. The saving grace is the Plugz, sprinkled throughout the movie (which, if you need a reminder, is perfect).

RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD (1985)

One of the more notable punk soundtracks of the '80s, includingthe F.U.’s in their rock phase and a TSOL song that isn't about “fucking the dead,” which would have been way too easy. Unbeatable, though, is “Partytime” by deathrock pioneers 45 Grave, punctuating a scene featuring punks getting attacked by newly reanimated zombies. You’re listening, wondering if the song is scoring the punks who would be fans of that band, or the zombies living out the hedonism of the lyrics.

SINGLES (1992)

Take one look at the wardrobe and you could probably list off what bands appear on this soundtrack in perfect order, right down to Mother Love Bone. While it's easy to differentiate who has that free-pile swag and who’s a Hollywood hotshot playing dress-up, Singles goes all in on the grunge pandering. Soundgarden and Alice in Chains make live appearances. Pearl Jam make a cameo. Highlights: a penis-themed Mudhoney parody, and Matt Dillon blowing the windows of his girlfriend’s car out to a Tad song, which today would be a telltale sign to haul someone’s ass to Alcoholics Anonymous.

JUDGMENT NIGHT (1993)

This soundtrack deserves an entire book, even though the story is probably as simple as “label tell me what to do.” We could sit here and gush about how the Helmet/House of Pain track is a rap-metal masterpiece (and both groups' best song) or fantasize about De La Soul and Teenage Fanclub becoming lifelong pen pals. But the real subject worthy of investigation is: Why THIS movie? Judgment Night has got to have the most disparate ratio of Fans of Soundtrack vs. People Who Have Ever Even Seen the Movie. There are definitely better movies from the same year that deserved this soundtrack. Like Free Willy.

THECROW (1994)

Brandon Lee sacrificed his life to give us this soundtrack, so it is our responsibility to be especially grateful for Pantera covering Poison Idea, Medicine writing the best American shoegaze ever, and Rage Against the Machine writing another song that mentions genocide for a movie about a goth zombie assassin.

SPAWN (1997)

Similar to Judgment Night in theory, the final result is dollar bin in execution. There is less rapping, so it’s less fun, and the end product is basically just industrial music, which is an indicator of the differences between '93 and '97. It has its moments: Slayer teaming up with Atari Teenage Riot, makinga songthatsounds like a descent into cyber-hell, or Henry Rollins and Goldie joining forces, which is such a crazy idea that the music they made is secondary to the trivia of it.

xXx (2002)

Examining this soundtrack nowadays, it reads as an algorithmically tailored gym playlist on an off-brand streaming service, but this was the sound of “X"-treme in 2002. Most of the greatness of this soundtrack lies in the hiphop side of things. That said, while “Bodies” by Drowning Pool makes an unfortunate appearance (it would be crazier if it didn’t), the use of Hatebreed more than makes up for it. “I Will Be Heard” plays in its entirety while Vin Diesel skydives on a snowboard out of a helicopter, shredding the slopes before causing an avalanche (the natural disaster most equivalent to Hatebreed’s music). The weirdest musical moment is Xander and Yorgi reciting the lyrics to “Anarchy Burger” by the Vandals.

JACKASS: THE MOVIE (2002)

Minutemen’s “Corona,” a protest song about the rights of migrant workers of California’s southern farmlands, has been reconfigured overtime into an MKUItra-style sonic trigger that turns every white boy in the land into a Manchurian candidate (but for stapling their own nuts). Only Jackass has that sort of power. Othersoundtrack highlights include the Misfits’ “Hybrid Moments,” a yearning ode to screaming in unison, which happens to be the best song of all time. The soundtrack also features CKY, who suck.

JOHNTUCKER MUST DIE (2006)

The death rattle of a decade-long reign of pop punk over teen sex comedies. These movies were previously scored exclusively by a healthy mix of pop punk, college rock, and Letters to Cleo but soon became totally monopolized by the kind of pop punk that played on display TVs at Target. Once they stuck the All-American Rejects’ "Dirty Little Secret” in a movie, we had reached peak Total Request Live punk. Against that level of catchiness, no other song stood a chance, and the genre has been MIA in the movies ever since.

GUARDIANS OF THEGALAXY (2014)

Sometime in the near future, documents will be declassified, and information will come to light exposing the shady handshakes and schmoozing that occurred between Marvel, boomer dads disappointed in their Skrillexobsessed kids, and Target executives looking to sell more pre-distressed 50/50 poly-blend classic rock band T-shirts.

I, TONYA (2017)

This movie is a crash course in perfecting the cheapest needle drops your deadbeat step-uncle could think up. Need to show your character is a badass? Drop “Barracuda” on their popcorn-stuffed gobs. Need to show how they just accomplished something, very badassly? There’s a Foreigner hit for that!