DUET TILL THE WHEELS FALL OFF

Collaborating on an artistic endeavor with your significant other—what could possibly go wrong? While the sexual tension might translate into musical drama and make for incredible songs, it could also be a ticking time bomb. Who are we kidding, it’s just a straight-up bad idea. That being said, there are some iconic duos who gave it the old college try and succeeded musically, distinguishing them from many, many others.

Couple Most Loved by Alcoholic Romantics Who Hide the Empty Gin Bottles in NPR Tote Bags and Still Wear Their Wedding Ring 10 Years After the Divorce

LINDA AND RICHARD THOMPSON

David Lee Roth has a famous quote that all critics like Elvis Costello cuz we look like him. Well, if Elvis Costello was a “critic’s artist," then Richard and Linda Thompson are a “critic’s couple bound for breakup.” So while your average scribe may not be able to play coiled lightning guitar like Richard or sing angelically like Linda, we can get divorced with the best of them. Facing the tearful slog of explaining for 16 hours why our dalliance—with a random publicist, the A&R dude from a mid-tier indie label, or, God help us, some bassist, in the porta-potty outside the Funyuns Tent at SXSW—"doesn’t mean that I don’t love you,” who amongst us wouldn’t rather just put on Shoot Out the Lights and start divvying up the furniture?

Couple With the Most Speculative Sex Life

VINCE GILL AND AMY GRANT

It’s no secret that the Almighty makes several appearances throughout the song catalog of country superstars—and husband and wife—Vince Gill and Amy Grant. But is three a crowd in the bedroom? Some (in our office) have declared vehemently that the physical bond they share is surely rooted in chasteness, while others (in our office) feel as though, with these two, all bets are off between the sheets. A seemingly endless amount of steamy fanfiction only serves to confuse matters.

Couple Most Likely to Suppress the Truth About the New World Order

JOHN DOE AND EXENE CERVENKA

John Doe and Exene Cervenka of X are one of the greatest songwriting teams in rock ’n’ roll history. The songs they’ve written, about both their doomed yet eternally loving relationship and the chaotic world around them, are indelible paintings of the hopes and despairs inherent to real people scraping through the wreckage of the 1980s. Just imagine the stringent contractual deal the two ex-lovers must have worked out for X’s reunion in order to keep Exene from sharing her theories about how the lizard people created the COVID vaccine in the basement of Tower 7 so that the Jews would be the only people left when the starship Atlantis, piloted by John-John Kennedy, rises up from the Hudson and flies off the surface of our pie-plate-shaped planet to the secret Zionist base on the other side of the moon. So, you know, kudos to these two crazy kids.

Best Couple of Couples to Inspire a Generation in UGGs and Athleisure Wear

ABBA

Formed in 1972 and consisting of two married pairs, ABBA lasted roughly as long as their individual marriages, with both Agnetha Faltskog and Bjorn Ulvaeus as well as Benny Andersson and Anni-Frid Lyngstad splitting at the dawn of the ’80s. ABBA have continued to be a juggernaut whose tracks have woven their way into the Zeitgeist and beyond, becoming staples for roller skaters, bachelorette parties, disrockers, and sloshed wine moms who need something to scream-sing during a night on the town.

Couple Most Likely to Pave the Way for Future Pivotal Game of Thrones Subplots

THE WHITE STRIPES

Jack and Meg White’s public relationship might be the one single situation, from the beginning of the universe to the end of time, where the popularity of online sibling porn made things less creepy.

King and Queen of the Montessori Prom

MATT AND KIM

Matt and Kim have a video where they get naked in Times Square and a section of their Wikipedia page that is defensively titled "Continuing Popularity.” I've never heard an entire Matt and Kim album, but I have seen 500 Days of Summer, and some of my best friends have personalities that consist of “I own a bicycle," so I feel pretty qualified to discuss this synth-pop duo’s relationship.

Couple Most Likely to Make You Want to Wear Steampunk Goggles

ROB ZOMBIE AND SEAN YSEULT

Before remaking horror classics and television shows that probably should have been left alone, Rob Zombie was just another shitty white guy with dreads. It was at art school in NYC where the corniest man alive met Sean Yseult, and their romantic relationship formed the patchouli-dipped center of White Zombie for more than seven years. After White Zombie caught the eye of a pair of animated subhumans known for sitting on a couch and watching TV, their video for "Thunder Kiss ’65" went into heavy rotation on MTV. By the time White Zombie’s final album was released in 1995, Zombie and Yseult had long parted ways. He would release his solo LP soon thereafter, exciting legions of cops, on-duty military, tailgaters, and the terminally stupid.

Couple That We Wish Never Existed

PAUL AND LINDA MCCARTNEY

They were actually kind of cute and respectful to each other. It’s fucking nauseating.

Couple(s) Most Likely to Agree That Recording Entire (Double) Albums About Infidelity Takes Less Emotional Energy Than Just Not Cheating in the First Place

FLEETWOOD MAC

Did you know that the majority of the writing contained within the Great Library at Alexandria was transcriptions of prophetic visions regarding the future relationship between Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham? Julius Caesar read a couple scrolls and was like, “This is exhausting.”

Best Failed Romance as a Springboard Toward Piss-Poor Creative Output and the Zillions of Dollars That Come With It

TONY KANAL AND GWEN STEFANI

Imagine thinking not only that “ska is cool,” but also that “this is an art form I believe in so deeply that I’d happily play this music for the rest of my life.” The post-breakup creative tension between No Doubt singer Gwen Stefani and her ex-boyfriend/bassist Tony Kanal was the centerpiece of the Tragic Kingdom LP, which brimmed with Top 40 singles centered on everyday misogyny, heartbreak, and redemption. By the time No Doubt finally petered out in 2015, Stefani had shifted her focus to a mildly laughable pseudo-R&B career dotted by appropriation, joined the cast of an over-the-hill TV show, married a Christian on purpose, and half-assed her way through her own subpar fashion and makeup lines. Tony...who knows.

Couple That Best Exemplifies Canada as It Actually Is, Rather Than How It Perceives Itself

REGINECHASSAGNE AND WIN BUTLER

At the center of Arcade Fire is a bunch of people crying over accordions and pump organs, but at the center of that is the marriage of Win Butler and Regine Chassagne. It’s basically the musical equivalent of that wind-up monkey in the vest playing cymbals. Their union has lasted across the band’s six LPs, with the audience’s patience lasting across a little more than one. In 2022, Butler came under fire after allegations of sexual misconduct with significantly younger fans were brought to light. Sexual misconduct and a middling discography—now, that’s a band that deserves to be headlining arenas!

Romance With the Deepest Meaning (We Assume)

COCTEAU TWINS’ ROBIN GUTHRIE AND ELIZABETH FRASER

Shabaloophes tern! Sherpaotiloowww steeee! Nawanaamore nananarolore. Asheate wegasali wegasoli awwwro wallllllleee. Therefee an egg for days na pistoleee noooz afa afa hens. Meelds an eggs and eggs and blues anplaone nallllllls! Pistolooo bluuuu! Weckalasto shobe cry mylfollls hawt kin mysene. Harkalhorse an cryls int lafter!

Couple That Best Exhibits the Highs of High Fashion

KIM GORDON AND THURSTON MOORE

Sonic Youth guitarist and frontperson Thurston Moore got a bowl cut when he was 12 and still has it to this day. When he married Kim Gordon at age 26, the bassist viewed said bowl cut as “adorable”—until 2011, when she realized that he was a 53-year-old man. The pair separated and dissolved Sonic Youth soon thereafter.