LETTERS

LETTERS

DEPARTMENTS

Mail Dept., CREEM Magazine, 185 FRANKLIN ST„ NEW YORK, N.Y. 10013

CAPTION READING,

HIGH IQS LINKED!

I am completely shocked at the very notion of doing away with CREEM captions. CREEM captions are one of the few good things in an increasingly sad world. Please don't kill them!

Sincerely,

Deb Zarrett

Westfield, MA

I have been reading CREEM for about six years now, so I know I'm not exactly the voice of reason, but my devotion to (and regular purchase of) CREEM comes largely from the captions. I believe they are the one thing that sets your magazine apart from myriad other music publications, most of which aren't worth the garbage they become after providing bathroom entertainment. I'm sure I don't have to explain to you why I think the rampant idolatry of rock stars is dangerous to society—CREEM's captions seem to diminish some of the mystique surrounding the performers they poke fun at.

At age 18,1 am proud to be a music fan, and not a wanna-be. And CREEM's refusal to lick the sequined boots of rock stars (and their managers) in print is largely responsible for that. Don't turn America's Only Rock & Roll Magazine into toilet paper, I beg you!

Leslie Pitchford

Thousand Oaks, CA

I am writing to you because I understand you are contemplating removing the irreverent captions from beneath the photos of CREEM. Let me tell you I believe that would be a very serious mistake. I've been a regular reader of CREEM for many years, and those captions are as much a part of the magazine as the always excellent, witty and incisive articles. The captions are a tradition and banning them would mar the enjoyment of CREEM fans the world over. Let me assure you there are plenty of folks in the rock-rag wasteland who live and breathe for the next issue of our favorite publication.

Thank you for hearing me out, and I hope to continue seeing CREEM as it was originally intended to be seen—a funny and thought-provoking publication that is an original in a field of phonies.

Larry O. Dunn

San Francisco, CA

I am writing concerning the June issue of CREEM magazine which said you were considering changing (?!) the captions. I had to write because I have been reading CREEM since I was 14—I am now 26— and the very reason I keep reading the magazine is the humor in it. Especially the captions! Please don't turn CREEM into another boring magazine like Rolling Stonel

Lynn Ryan St. Louis, MO

Please don't get rid of the captions! They are part of what makes me laugh. They make my day.

Lester Bangs invented these captions. How dare you even question their validity! Janice Eldridge Springfield, MA

The announcement that you are thinking of replacing the scurrilous asides that've been masquerading as captions with boring straight lines that might actually identify the people in the picture just blew my mind! What a mistake! If it weren't for the sense of humor, CREEM might as well be Hit Parader, or God Forbid, Spin. CREEM recognizes its subject matter is, after all, only rock 'n' roll and even the people who make it know that there are far more serious matters to get serious about. That is the essence of rock 'n' roll. But maybe the announcement was just another of those joke captions you guys print. Right?

C.B.I.

Bronx, NY

Keep the captions or I will kill you. Or something.

Yours sincerely, Jewel Davidson Calgary, Alberta CANADA

THE FARMER AND THE COWMAN BUY STAMPS! People only write letters to magazines because they don't have any friends, right?

Your pal, Randy Paske Gilbert, MN

P.S. When are you going to print another letter from a disillusioned metalhead? We haven't seen one of those since the September 1987 issue. I might be able to fake one . . .

HE'S A-PICKIN',

SHE'S A-GRINNIN'

I used to think your rag was only devoted to the likes of Tiffany and Madonna and trolls like Megadeth but. . . tadaa! Last month you emerged from the slimy pit of mediocrity—at least in my book. How? By publishing an article on the best guitar player in the world—Chet Atkins. How many guitar players can even begin to hold a candle to him? Jimi Hendrix? Jimmy Page? George Thorogood? Almost, but not quite. Thank you for having some class!

And Bruce Springsteen should stop singing and write poetry, I think.

Patrea Walenkiewicz Griffith, IN

NEXT STOP CATATONIA? He'p! I was just about to write to you because I hadn't received my May '88 issue when I discovered that the June issue had a May calendar inside. Now I'm confused. Is there a May issue? Is there a June issue? Is there a heaven??

Please don't do this to me in my precarious mental condition! I need answers!

Carol Brown Laurel, MD

(Answers, huh? OK: That's not a curling iron, I'm just glad to see you. To keep his pants up. Eleven. You're welcome . . . Ed.)

'MORE' REDEFINED

I would really like to see more Britny Fox in your publication. Thank you. Cynthia Kwoka New Jersey

MY PIEROGI PRINCESS

A Tale Of Two American Pigs: Dorothea and Bon Jovi or 'Throw Dorothea And Bon Jovi From The Train. It would be a nice movie.

I wish you Americans had better taste. Mary of Nazareth Mother of God Lublin, Poland

PASS THE SALTPETER!

The fact that Michael Jackson is not gay makes you pro-white rock 'n' rollers paranoid as hell, doesn't it? Just imagine, a sexy black man driving all those millions of pretty white girls crazy, onstage and off. Kind of scary, isn't it? And to make it worse, you just can't figure him out.

For a 'black fag' he sure seems to get a lot of beautiful women.

You guys just wish Michael was gay. I, for one, know he's not. How so? Go ask your momma, sucker.

Sincerely,

Pretty White Girl Los Angeles, CA

P.S. Bet you don't print this one. It goes against your 'editorial' bias. And I do mean BIAS.

SPELING IZ HIS BIZNESS . . .

Dear Cream,

dam Chuk, u iz krule.

D. Musteyne (I think)

Cleveland, OH

VIVA LAS VEGAS II Belinda Carlisle has sold her soul to the devil. In return she is slowly being transformed into a young Ann-Margret. I'm sure this is what happened.

Joey Beretta Kent, WA

TAKE THE 'L' OUT OF ALBUM

IRRITATING THINGS:

A band puts out a new album—does the interview rounds talking up the newest album as the best thing to happen since stereo. It only kinda sells. The next new album—they invariably say the last album wasn't too good because . . . this new one is better. Do they realize how air-headed they sound? We remember these things.

Singers that can no longer sing. I'm talking to Stevie Nicks here. The sheep jokes surrounding this grunting fairy are just as common as AIDS jokes. Then she rounds up a herd of backup singers who sound like she used to sound so she can just bleat through a tune while they sing the actual song. It's pathetic.

To hear constant rumors to the effect that the dearly loved and dearly departed Martha Quinn is actually a slot for hot-totrot rock stars. To learn that this legendary VJ, this intelligent past representative of highbrow musical films, is a common bar harlot leads me to ask: ARE THERE NO HEROES LEFT?

Kingdom Come. They should be harpooned. And I think it should be Robert Plant holding the trigger. So far I've counted 6 (FUCKING SIX) obvious cops from 6 (THAT'S SIX) different Zep tunes in just one of their songs. And the singer must obviously suffer from hip displacement, because he wouldn't be standing like that to be sexy—would he?

Debbie Gibson. She did a public service spot about registering to vote. She plainly said to go to your local post office to register. So I did. I have never been so embarrassed to have a postal clerk tell me one goes to the library to register to vote. I want to strangle that bitch. That's what you get for listening to air-headed teenage Madonna clones.

Pat Weiss St. Louis, MO