SCREEN BEAT

SCREEN BEAT

WHOSE FACE IS THIS, ANYWAY? by Billy Altman

“I remember Michael Jackson. Cute little kid with a big Afro. Danced around a lot. Always wanted to know when I was going to have Diana Ross and Topo Gigio on again. ”

—Ed Sullivan, Heaven.

I don’t know if you saw the official prime time network television special which featured the full-length premiere of Michael Jackson’s “Bad” video a few months ago, just prior to the release of his first new album since the zillion-selling Thriller. The teaser ads the week before it aired said it all: “What will Michael sound like? What will Michael look like? Don’t miss it!” As an actual half-hour program, it wasn’t very good. The first half of the show consisted mostly of a blurry look back at his career (ail pre-solo activity was barely touched upon), with a lot of stock footage of stampeding pre-pubescent girls chasing limousines from various stops along the Jacksons’ national tour of a few years ago. The second half was what we all were “waiting” for: The first glimpse of this halfdecade’s model. There were rumors of a surgically-created cleft chin. There were rumors of yet another nose job. There were rumors of pigmentation-changing experiments. It was hard to know what to believe going in. Then again, when you’re the kind of person who lies around the house inside a custom-designed oxygen tent and keeps trying to bribe English hospital officials into selling you the bones of the Elephant Man, people are going to talk, now aren’t they?

Well, “Bad” is now upon us, and, from several viewings, I’d have to say that most of the rumors seem to be true. I mean, nobody / know has been able to simply grow a cleft chin lately, and the only place I’ve ever seen a nose quite like the one Jackson has now has been on Morgan Fairchild’s face. (Come to think of it, no one’s seen her for some time now. Maybe Michael just bought hers and had it dyed and grafted on.) But the most bizarre thing about the full-length “Bad” video is the storyline and Michael’s, er, acting. The plot has prep school student Michael coming back home to his slum neighborhood (guess he’s on scholarship), where the tough homebpys challenge him to prove his, er, manhood (guess they didn’t see the “I’m not like other boys” section of the “Thriller” video) by taking part in their regularly scheduled nightly mugging. Down into the subway the gang goes, but when it’s time to jump a helpless old coot, Michael’s good side takes over and he lets the man escape. That done, he quickly turns into a dancing fool, leading about 20 ethnic types in a West Side Story type production number. All this moonwalking makes his friends dizzy, so they decide to just let him be and go home, thus sparing the city’s underground travellers from harm for one brief and shining moment. (One assumes that the next night, they’ll mug a few extra people to keep the quota intact.)

To tell you the truth, everything’s fine if you just see the short version, which just seems like “Beat It” revisited and is fairly entertaining in and of itself. There’s no denying that the kid sure can sing and dance. Now I haven’t been to Disney World, so I don’t know if he can act in 3-D any better than he can in 2-D. I do know that he’s truly terrifying in 2-D. Talk about your brother from another planet: Jackson seems to require something other than air to breathe—you can barely hear anything he says, and he seems utterly oblivious to the other actors in the film. Besides, all that plastic surgery makes him look like a kind of soul version of Mr. Sardonicus. Vincent Price, call your office. This kid needs Dr. Phibes’ attention, immediately.

SNAP SHOTS

It’s What’s Up Front That Counts! Faster Pussycat, "Don’t Change That Song”—Well, yes, we’re a bit disappointed that neither the Carrie Nations nor Martin Bormann make carneo appearances here, but any band that not only names itself after a Russ Meyer movie, but actually gets the King of the D Cups himself to direct their video, is alright by us. Besides, the concept of the song—coitus interruptus due to conflicting musical tastes—is pretty Meyerish in and of itself. Now if these guys could only write a song about Z-Man, we’d be totally hooked..

Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Beautiful. Belinda Carlisle, "Heaven Is A Place On Earth”—When last we saw our princess, she’d shed that Go-Go coil—or at least 20 pounds—and gained a hit with “Mad About You.” Now she’s back, with yet another earth-shattering change: A new hair color! Will strawberry blonde insure a spot in the Hot 100? Does a pearl float through liquid Preil? Only Vidal knows for sure! And, speaking of hair... Brown Pony Tail Mates With Silver Braid; Film at 11! Rush, “Time Stands Still”—Do we really want to know how til Tuesday’s Aimee Mann wound up singing with Geddy Lee? Did someone lose a bet on the 1987 American League East pennant race, or what?

Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Blow Into A Flute Again: Jethro Tull, “Steel Monkey”—What’s that they say? The 16th time’s a charm? I’ll tell you what, though, Ian. Keep the beard and the cowboy hat and I guarantee you’ll always have steady work—as Willie Nelson’s stand-in. Hours are good, you’ll meet a lot of farm animals, and there’s always work on the 4th of July. Just think about it, OK?

All Stitched Up With Nowhere To Go: The Dead Milkmen, “Big Time Operator”—On which those “Bitchin’ Camaro” boys show that maybe they weren’t a slash in the pan after all. The song’s not that great, but it’s hard to knock a video in which a laboratory experiment gone haywire results in the creation of the Elvistein monster—Vegas period, of course.