CREEMEDIA

DOLLY & THE FATMAN: BOY HOWDY’S PRIME TIME VIEWING GUIDE

CREEMEDIA

Richard C. Walls

Between this past Sept. 13th and Oct. 3rd, the three major networks premiered 22 new series as part of that annual ritual known as the new fall season. We at CREEM have our own yearly ritual, wherein we take a long hard look at these new shows and then write short, silly capsule put-downs of them. Tradition must be maintained, if only because there’s nothing better to do. And yes, I watched all 22 shows as they hit the water, as “premieres,” “previews,” “special previews,” “debuts,” “special sneak debut premieres,” etc. I watched, I pondered, I thought deep thoughts—and I took many baths. And this is how it all breaks down.

DEAD MOTHER JOKERS

Trendspotters have'already nailed this manifestation of a painful yearning in the national psyche. Myself, I think it’s just a mindless coincidence. In any case, as Reagan said to Bork, you be the judge (ha, ha).

My Two Dads (NBC)—Mother dies and leaves adorable pre-teen tyke to two of her old suitors who hate each other and don’t know diddly about raising kids. Despite the sappy premise, the humor is rather sharphip zingers abound (though actual hilarity only occasionally ensues).

Full Housa (ABC)—Mother dies and leaves an adorable pair of tykes and one baby to her husband, his brother-in-law (a womanizing, rock-loving greaseball) and their friend (a zany stand-up comedian), none of whom know diddly about raising kids. The humor is even sappier than the premise. The look is very late ’80s—lotsa bright colors and outsized clothes—where life is one big playhouse.

I Married Dora (ABC)—Mother dies (or disappears; I blinked) and leaves adorable adolescent girl and Dennis The Menace-age boy tyke to hubby who doesn’t know diddly about raising kids. Fortunately, he marries their adorable Hispanic housekeeper Dora to prevent her deportation to an Unnamed Central American country where not-soadorable death squads would probably barbeque her innards. In a word, forced. Even the fake studio laughter sounds like it’s got a gun to its head.

Everything’s Relative (CBS)—Mother refuses to die and continues to terrorize her two grown sons, one a marginal moron, the other a yuppie-type who looks like a crypto-Canadian, but I have no proof. The kind of show that invites the mind to wander...

BUCKS AND BOOBS

A response to the demographic shift, or proof that the ghosts of Hee Haw and Barnaby Jones haunt the crystals of the top TV execs? Think, only you can divine the truth.

J.J. Starbuck (NBC)—Dale Robertson as as an eccentric Texas billionaire (as opposed to your average, run-of-the-mill Texas billionaire), a loveable, adorable, pathological buttinski who goes around solving crimes even though he ain’t the heat. Not as dumb as he looks, or talks, or dresses, which makes him (despite his noncop status) Columbo with cowpie on his Florsheims.

Buck James (ABC)—Dennis Weaver as a folksy, wise and durn near perfect surgeon, dispensing homilies between the hemorrhages arid dishing decency during domestic disputes (dang!). Anybody who doesn’t like Dennis Weaver is just plain mean.

Dolly (ABC)—The worst. Stupid jokes, she sings like a munchkin, looks too gaunt since the weight loss—even first show guest Pee Wee Herman was boring. If you have to escape this badly, you might wanna try drugs—you may end up a drooling veg, but you won’t have to watch this dreck.

DIVISION OF LABOR

Since time immemorial, which was like when 77 Sunset Strip was on the air, cop/detective shows have favored the team approach, with an older guy meant to appeal to the more mature members of the audience, and a younger one aimed at those goddamn kids. The old ways continue. Gives you shivers, don’t it?

Private Eye (NBC)—This moody film neon (cf. Miami Vice) takes place in mid-’50s L.A. but that’s only so they can graft a teen rocker into what is basically a ’40s private eye scenario, thus divvying up the audience. Retooling reality leads to mucho anachronisms, but this is fun, especially if you’re into textures. Also features tasteful but undeniable sex and violence to help ease the kiddies into cable conssciousness.

Jake And The Fatman (CBS)—William “Cannon” Conrad is the fatman, a big deal D.A., and his assistant is a young smoothie who dodges bullets while Jake sits in his office growling lines meant to advance the plot. Conrad was definitely the second banana on the first episode, so fans of tubbies with three-day stubble may be disappointed.

The Oldest Rookie (NBC)—Another overweight character actor—the often excellent Paul Sorvino—is the title schnook, teamed up with a younger guy, etc. This is a comedy/drama which means they tell a lot of jokes and then somebody gets killed. If Paul Sorvino is your kinda slob-o . . .

The Law And Harry McGraw (CBS)—This gets complicated because here you have two oldsters and two youngsters dividing the appeal work. Matters not, tho, ’cause the success of the series depends on how you feel about Jerry Orbach’s loutish charms—he’s the kind of oldfashioned punk who thinks “crum-bum” is a hot insult.

BOOMERS IN PERIL

These are shows not only aimed at but featuring people in the 25-40 age group, give or take a couple years. They reflect the needs, the aspirations, the ideals of a generation. We be in big trouble.

A Year In The Life (NBC)—This is one of those extended family, multi-story deals where you need a chart to tell who’s who. Solid upper-middle-class stuff about life and death and birth and real estate; but you have to commit. I’d say two or three shows before you really start to care. But it’ll be a life lesson you’ll carry to your grave.

Tour Of Duty (CBS)—Not bad for TV, and it’s interesting to see how the writers wind their way down the middle of the road of this always hot topic, Vietnam—all views are represented, rather schematically, like those WWII flicks where every platoon is a little marching melting pot. But being a series, they’ll eventually have to say more than just the usual anti-war, pro-soldier stuff—if they last that long.

Thirtysomething (ABC)—Options, stress, parenting, networking, communicating, affairs, honesty, feelings, backpacking, wisecracks. Soundtrack sounds like the Best Of Leo Kottke (except during serious moments, when you get piano muzak). Sincere, but boring.

Legwork (NBC)—Lead femme, a private Dick, is a cross between Elizabeth McGovern and Jessica Walter, if that means anything to you. Likes to drive her Porsche fast, knows martial arts, and (this is a writer’s ploy to make her less threatening) likes to bake oatmeal cookies—by the gross—when she’s solving a crime. Not bad, but a little on the cute side.

Once A Hero (ABC)—A comic book super-hero enters the real world to find out why his gentler-than-Rambo brand of Manichaean escapism isn’t selling anymore. Offbeat, and has the potential for some poignancy if they can resist the temptation to milk the sentiment.

Wlseguy (CBS)—Like DeMille’s wicked Bible tales, this is ostensibly a cop show but really a wallow in Mafioso flash. Ken Wahl, who doesn’t impress on the big screen but is just right-sized for TV, is the cop who goes undercover to a world where everybody chews the scenery, and a fight over a parking space can turn into a macho showdown. This is the only one of the 22 shows I watched with unalloyed pleasure (though in six or seven cases, my pleasure was only slightly alloyed). So sue me.

LEADING MEN

These are shows built around personable leading men. No, that’s not it. . . these are shows which are extensions of your basic / Love Lucy sitcom. No, wait, I got it, these are shows that achieve a classical balance of pity and awe. No, that doesn’t even make sense . . . Anyway, these are shows that all run half an hour.

Hooperman (ABC)—The always loveable John Ritter plays TV’s first cop/landlord in this comedy/drama which can be summed up as good/bad. But it’s a breakthrough, and one looks forward to comedy/dramas about a fireman/baker, a wrestler/librarian, and (my personal favorite) a cropduster/hairdresser.

Slap Maxwell (ABC)—Dabney Coleman’s Slap is only slightly less obnoxious than his Buffalo Bill character, and Bill never caught on with the great unwashed—but this is the only show I saw that displayed genuine and quick wit (as opposed to clever insults), and one that people who bitch about all the junk on TV should check out.

Frank’s Place (CBS)—Also good, if uneven, in the Cheers manner of ensemble schtick. Venus Flytrap inherits a New Orleans restaurant. No laugh track or studio audience, so you’re on your own (you can do it!).

BLOORG

These are shows that make you wanna go “bloorg.”

Beauty And The Beast (CBS)—This is why the Russians are gonna take over— ’cause Americans are watching crap like this instead of sewing parachutes for the freedom fighters in Costa Rica or wherever the hell they are down there. Pisses me off.

A Different World (NBC)—Lisa Bonet, of the pornographic eyelids, goes to college. I like a good drama but when it gets this intense I draw the line—I don’t have to watch TV to find out how ugly life can be.