Life In The Slow Lane And Fun In The Food Chain

Life In The Slow Lane And Fun In The Food Chain

ELEGANZA

by J. Kordosh

Summertime’s in full swing, and there’s no reason you should be denied your barbeque fun this season. Barbequeing is relatively safe, cheap, and easy...in other words, it’s the antithesis of America’s other fun activity, taking drugs. So put those hypnotics back in the medicine cabinet and let’s gear up for a grilling good time!

The best thing about barbequeing is that you can (and should) buy all of your outdoor cooking necessities at K-Mart. Why do you think they built all those K-Marts, anyway? Get over there right now and pick up a grill, some charcoal, and lighter fluid. Besides food and assorted condiments, that’s all you’ll need to get started in the barbeque adventure. «

Are you back yet? OK, if s time to plan (a) who you’ll invite, and (b) what you’ll serve. The size of your barbeque party is basically limited only by the size of your grill. But, in general, the more the merrier is the rule to follow. Try to gather a diversity of guests. Canadians, senior citizens, and employees of Album-Oriented-Rock radio stations will all add spice to your bash with the colorful, soporific anecdotes they delight in telling. Please advise your guests of any dress code for the affair; barbeque fashion is usually casual but clean. Many hosts will pick up appropriate duds at K-Mart when they’re buying their grill. This is not only a public-spirited, energy-saving practice, but a wise expenditure calculated to add excitement to your wardrobe.

A more difficult decision, but one you must face, is the choice of entree. Any number of meats are available; let your appetite and religious persuasion guide you in selecting' the proper cut. A hard look at the various pork products is a good exercise for the novice, for. they will often cook up as well as the more expensive beef line. Choice chicken parts are usually available at the local supermarket; these constitute a cheaper-but-oh-so-tasty alternative for savvy barbeque hands. But, whether it’s steak or spam, be sure tq season your meat heavily and douse the whole mess with a spicy barbeque sauce. Good eating’s on the way!

Now’s the time to fire up that grill. Try to wait until all of your guests have arrived, for there are few sights as thrilling as that of dozens of coals in full blaze. This is sure to be a talked-about and remembered aspect of your party, so take full advantage of its inherent possibilities. One note of caution here:don’t add lighter fluid to the coals after they’ve been started, and don’t let little kids get too close to the incipient inferno. First degree burns wilj stamp “no fun” on your festivities.

The meat’s a-coofun’, but this is no time to ignore your guests. While there’s a lull in the activities it might be a good time to entertain them with innocuous trivia. Guessing games can be a lot of fun during this stage of the cook-out. Toss out questions like: How many songs on the last Bob Seger album? How many horses on the cover of the last Bob Seger album? If Bob Seger had super powers, where would his secret headquarters be? Round robin gabfests like these can be an almost never-ending source of fun, particularly for your guests who are dullards, small children, or fans of pointless, redundant pop music.

THE BLACK LABEL'S HEREq DEAR, AND TIME'S -A-WAST/N `1/

With any luck you’ll have timed your patio patter so that the verbal excitement’s died down when the eats are ready. Serving the food should never constitute a problem.. .happily, there is no etiquette to guide you. A hearty, “First come, first served!” will generally bring the gang on the run. By the way, some experts insist that paper brings out the true flavor of charcoal-grilled meat; hopefully, you had the foresight to pick up some paper plates at some store like K-Mart.

Generous portions of side dishes like pickles, potato chips, valiums, pretzels, and potato salad will add the finishing touches to your outdoor feast. Make sure you’ve stocked up on beverages enough to please the most demanding guest; beer, wine, pop, and toluene are all mandatory at the better ’ques. Expect a bit of a hubbub as your guests chow down. It’s not uncommon to find one person asking for seconds, another looking for an isolated outdoor urinal, and a third puking all at the same time! You can’t be everywhere at once, Mr. Host or Ms. Hostess, so just let the good times roll.

Now’s the time to make sure the ball game’s on the radio. Well-planned barbeques have ended in utter failure when an unthinking host subjected his guests to some wacko station playing Van Halen all afternoon. Avoid this error at all costs. It would not be extreme to say that you should actually plan your barbeque around the ball game. There is an additional bonus in that, if it’s a home game and if s rained out, your guests who are employees of Album-Oriented-Rock radio stations will know to come in out of the rain by keeping a close ear on the broadcast.

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As the party winds down, you’ll want to “make a game” out of cleaning up the mess your inconsiderate guests have generated. A big garbage can is needed, and some appropriate rewards for the person who shows the most spirit in playing outdoor janitor. Gag gifts like a snail darter embalmed in a jar of formaldehyde are^ great for this. Your guests are sure to appreciate your wit and thoughtfulness.

So, bon appetit. There’s gastro-intestinal good times in your future this summer if you take tne time for a little planning. Remember, there’s no. no cooking like slow slow cooking with you: