THE BEAT GOES ON

THE BEAT GOSE ON

DEPARTMENTS

The Beat And The American Way

BIRMINGHAM, MIߞ“The new music is being supported by the kids, and that’s who it’s for. It doesn’t matter if the radio ain’t gonna play it,’ cause the kids are going to make such a wall that everything is going to fall down in front of it,” said Paul Collins of the Beat, and he may be right.

The Beat have been touring America with the Jam (“They’re not wimps”—Paul Collins) and are enjoying some success. They are a rock ’n’ roll band, as opposed to a rock band. They are traditional, but certhinly not redundant.

“Look, I’m 23 years old. I was too young for the 60’s. I was 14, what do you know at 14? You can’t do anything at 14, you can’t even buy a goddamn drink. I read about the 50’s. For someone to tell me that I’m doing something like they did in the 60’s, I can’t relate to that, because this is the first time in my life that I feel like I’m in a scene that is happening. A scene can only happen when the various factions involved are making money, and that includes club owners, booking agents, record companies, and

last but not least, the groups.”

• The scene has been beneficial for the group. A tour of America, followed by Europe, and television appearances, have contributed heavily to their rising popularity. The Beat made an appearafice on that veritable American institution

American Bandstand.

“Dick Clark is a real gentleman,” said Paul. “He’s professional and his crew is just incredible. You’re really inspired when you walk in.. .it happened sp fast, that before you knew it was happening, it was over.”

The Beat also appeared on’ the Merv Griffin Show....did your mom watch?

“When we did Merv, he was sick, so Steve Allen was the host, and he was really funny. Roy Rogers was on the show With Dale Evans. It was great! Roy comes up after we’re done sand says, ‘Don’t wait up for | me.’ Haha, alright! He doesn’t K have to talk to anybody, it’s like ® showbiz, y’know what I mean? It doesn’t matter that we play music and he rides horses, it’s all the same thing, it’s entertainment.”

Paul is wearing a Jim Morrison button on the lapel of his jacket. Asked if he was a fan of the Lizard King, he replied, “I really dig him, not any more than I would dig anybody else, though. I like their music, I’m a fan of theirs. But people always ask, ‘Is anybody a big influence? “I’m a real rock rn’ roll fan because that’s what I grew up listening to as a kid. I grew up listening to the radio and I had a uery limited record collection, so I would listen to the radio more often than not.”

Green Tits Of Desire

TENOVUS, SCOTLANDFirst it was multi-attachment vibrators that look more suitable for gardening than pleasure. Then came Magic Lips that plug into any dashboard lighter for quick highway relief.. Now, a Scottish scientist has invented a bra featuring red and green flashing lights that tell a woman if it’s safe to get in The Mood.

Currently undergoing road

tests at the Tenovus Research Center, the bra has a built in mini-computer that keeps an eye on the woman’s ovulation cycle. Any time her fertility level

drops below a certain point, green lights start to flash wildly,, telling her to step on the gas. But if there’s any danger of her inadvertently purchasing an infant starter set, blinking reds indicate that it’s time to pull over and lock the hood.

While certain scientific observers are waiting to see this horizontal stoplight bouncing down the street under a Pyrex t-shirt, researchers frantically press towards their next major development: the railroad

crossing vasectomy.

Rick Johnson

PREPUBESCENT HALL OF FAMEII

Who could have guessed that this band of kiddie pop-tarts would spawn the reigning Crown Dork of rock filth? That these Dinos, Desis and Billies—officially called the Royal Jammers (their motto: "Music fit for a king," honest I)—would send forth a new Messiah to sing songs of sitting on faces and good girls that don't? Yep, as the obvious pudface on the right knew all too well way back when, rock 'n* roll is where the action

is i And if that action is just 13-years-old and wears lots of make-up and invites you over when her mom's gone and makes you wear funny clothes and takes pictures of it and—well, you get the picture. And back when Sharona was just a lust-filled gleam in daddy's eye, so did Doug Flegerl "And the little girls understand," moans the Knackheaa blackhead. Now we know why!

What music do you listen to now?

“I like the Pretenders album, I like Tom Petty, Lene Lovich... There’s lots of good new records, I like a lot of the stuff on Stiff, like Ian Duiry.”

How was your reception in England?

“Excellent. We’ve sold as many records there as we have here. Our record was just released in Japan, it’s doing well there, Australia, it’s doing rea//y well in France. We’re a brand new act, not a lot of people know about us. To us, it’s just the beginning.”

The Beat live present a straight-ahead, no-nonsense rock ’n’ roll stage act. No gimmicks, just a rousing, wellbalanced show. It has been said, “There is elegance in simplicity.” The Beat are living proof of this age-old maxim.

Eddie Money co-wrote a song with Paul Collins, “Let Me Into Your Life.” If the radio stations aren’t going to play it, everything just might fall down in front of the wall.

Mark J. Norton

5 YEARSAGO

Can It, Eno

Eno produced the demo tape for New York’s latest punk flash, Television, who may also be on their way to Island, the same label he’s on. Eno and Can are going to tour irt the near future with Eno opening each concert with a question and answer session. Question #1: Why is Eno doing a question and answer session?

PIZZA A GO GO WITH LES MUTANTS OR: AMERICAN GUYS EAT IT RAW

(1) Since Detroit bands don't have to worry about the mundanities of life New York musicians must deal with, i.e., taking their tapes to record companies, talking to Lisa Robinson, mugging people to pay for their rent, etc., they have time for more important things: pizzajudging contests at VFW halls. Here, the ethnically pure group ponder their gastronomic fate. Devout Catholic John Amore announces last night's bingo winners.

(2) The Mutants puzzle over their decision...should they sample the pasta or make Pasadena wolf it all down? Pasa (far right) thinks about his dinette set.

(3) Lead guitarist/woodworking af icionado Tom Morwatts is duped into sampling a fan's offering, convinced the baker is a Polish "ski," when in fact she is Russian. He dies immediately.

(4) The always slightly confused Art Lyzak (vocals, military paraphernalia), exults upon finding the woman of his dreams. And she can cook, too! Suspicious onlookers note the wanton hussy included chopped vallum in her recipe. NEXT MONTH: Art gets up before 5:00 in the afternoon, John Amore gets a job and Pasadena eats dinner. „ photos by Eric Smith

Joe Fought The Smoke (And The Smoke Won)

DETROIT—We dll know by now that smqking cigarettes causes cancer, burns houses down, colors your teeth a sexy shade of yellow and turns your breath to gorilla farts. But a new report shows smoking and driving don’t mix. Smokers have 2.6 times more fatal auto accidents than non-smokers, and nothing was mentioned about puffing in a Pinto...

A study of more than 100,000 policy holders by the State Mutual Life Assurance Co. of America has shown that smokers are more than twice as likely to be involved in some type of accident or get an illness.

The report revealed (not surprisingly, to this office) that smokers were nine times more

likely to kill themselves (or die trying), and 2.2 times more apt to be murdered, especially those like CREEM staffer Dave DiMartino, who persists in blowing Merit menthol smoke in the face of nice English boys like Joe Strummer. Geez, Dave, we told you Joe doesn’t like fags.

Mark J. Norton

The Man Who TnalyHas Everything

DALLAS, TX-Don’t bathe that hippie, he might be worth some money! It all hinges on the outcome of a lawsuit an enterprising Texan has filed against his former landlord. According to Zodiac News, Mr. R.L. Ussery is claiming that after being evicted from his suburban Dallas townhouse, he was stricken with such personal hygenic ailments as “colds, nausea, upset stomach, diarrhea, dysentery, loss of hair, sweating palms, the inability to void (???), nightmares, insomnia, dandruff, bad breath, dirty fingernails, odoriferous body odors (especially of the feet), the blues, the blahs, nervousness, dry heaves and crying spells.”

Now if he could only pin those acid flashbacks on the Starship... Cathy Gisi