MAIL

MAIL.

Please send letters to: MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O. Box P-1064 Birmingham, MI 48012

FEEDING THE BABY RE: MAIL (PILGRIM’S PROGRESS), APRIL ’80 IN CREEM

To Robert J. Moorhouse A.K.A. retarded, luded-out, outdated, shit-lapping, rude, conditioned, docile, dirty & grimy, lobotomized, low life, scum-sucking fan:

YOU ARE RIGHT!

John Waite

(The Babys) ,

(ENGLISH SCUM!)

X.O.X.

NOSTALGIA CORNER Thinks for printing my last letter. Well, I’m just sitting here watching Tenor From The Year 5000 and it suddenly occurs to me that every band I liked seems to be broken up (Banshees, Sham 69, Sex Pistols) or changed too much for comfort (Clash) or not changed enough to be coherent to their?ormer state of beautiful naivete (Ramones).

With the exception of Machine Gun Etiquette and possibly Join Hands there isn’t any leader visible in what now passes off as an underground music movement. Which is not to Say there isn’t any catchy ‘overground’ music, XTC or the Romantics, but they just don’t fill the emotional and vital void left by the death of punk in the states (which came in 78 with the release of the last of the first punk bands debut or sendoff albums) even if no one realized It until now. Everything after that seems to leave an aftertaste of nil or void about it. As Patrik (Fitzgerald) would say “tell me what we got left, pop and reggae dancing.” Now I haven’t been out in 5 months and I’vet had time to reassert things, and I like the Jam, but I’m tired of reprocessed vinyl. Seems if I want good music anymore I’ve got to buy 60’s bands instead of 80’$ bands;

Prudence and Studebaker Hong Kong Garden, NJ P.S;. Rats Scabies or bust.

(Have you tried Geritol?—Ed.)

ROCK AGAINST WOODWORKING Woodworking is one of the fastest growing leisure-time activities in America today. It’s an avocation which many already enjoy—and one which will attract more and more attention in our current economy?

Besides saving money on basic home repairs, many professional and technical people have found that woodworking offers them both personal rewards and satisfaction.

Here are just a few of the things they enjoy: Lasting Tangible Results—woodworking always gives you something in return.. .a lifetime of memories. • /

Pride of Accomplishment—planning and building the project is enjoyable but when it’s finished there’s that incomparable feeling of pride saying, “I did this myself’. j

Saving Money—in today’s economy, saving is most important and woodworking is a great way to do just that. Hundreds, even thousands of dollars can be saved making your own furniture.

A Sense of Challenge—each new project offers a new interesting challenge. It shakes up the everyday ho-hum boredom.

A Feeling of Independence—you can do what you want when you want to...choose your own project, set your own schedules. 1

Relaxation—woodworking easily becomes “second-nature” with a little experience. At that point it is pure pleasure after a tough day of stress and pressure.

Self-Expression—everyone has creativitysome less than others, but it’s there. Woodworking lets you be as creative as you want to be. It offers an excellent outlet for self expression.

Friendship and Comraderie—with woodworking you have an excellent opportunity to share your experience with others having similar interests. Experience can also be shared with family and friends.

Self-Improvement—the hundreds of different woodworking operations offer you flexibility to go as far as you want, whenever you’re ready.

No matter how you look at it, woodworking is the complete leisure time activity . It’s one of the most universal, most rewarding and personally satisfying pastimes today.

The enclosed release is just an introduction. We’ll be sending you more in the months to come' In the meantime, if. you have any questions or need additional information, please don’t hesitate to gi ve me a call. Thank You.

Sincerely, \

Vince Pax

Product Publicity Manager

Vandalia, OH (Thank you.— Ed.)

MOTOR ClfY HIT LIST GROWS!

I don’t know Mitch Cohen (or care to), but I guarantee he’s not from the Detroit area. Anyone who could write a review ripping THE ROMANTICS (the Motor City’s latest superstars) couldn’t possibly be from the rock ‘n’ roll capital of the world (Detroit). He obviously doesn’t appreciate good rock ‘n’ roll when he hears it.

Long Live Detroit Rock!

Dan Santavicca

Warren, MI

NO GAY, OKAY?

Ya know, I really think your mag is great, totally superb. Keep up the good work!

Except... I’m beginning to gef disgusted with you fools! Why the hell can’t you assholes leave poor little innocent Robin Zander alone?!!? I mean just ’cause he’s cute (Tom is too) and dresses nice, it’s no reason to call the guy a fag! ’Cause heain’t! I mean you guys haven’t flat out said it, but you do quite a lot of insinuating that he is. So could you please stop saying such rude things about him? I pray to God he’s not!

THANX,

Sara

Sacramento, CA P.S. LoveYa, Robin!

P.P.S. Why did the Ramones cut their hair? Dee Dee looks silly now. y

(But doesn’t he dress nice?—Ed.)1

‘SIMONON’

PURPOSELY MISSPELLED!!

Hey all you assholes at (and reading) CREEM:

I got a few (?) complaints.

Concerning past issues: Why the fuck can’t you spell Paul Simonon’s name correctly? I know you’re just a bunch of obsolete hippie freaks pretending to comprehend the Clash, ’cause you sure as Hell don’t buy their albums, otherwise you’d notice it’s SimOnon, not SimEnon. And who’s Terry Chimes? A mad British bell ringer? If by chance you meant the Clash’^ first drummer, it’s TORY CRIMES! Idiots! I guess I expect too much from “people” who can “identify” with a couple of old, paunchy, jaded farts mooing about sex and drugs (if you don’t know by now, I’m Speaking of Lead Blimp).

And Debbie Hairy...new wave?...punk? C’mon. I challenge her to a face off in front of the War Memorial next time she’s in town.

Anyway, I have never seen such a complete collection of fecal matter like in your March issue. My suspicions were confirmed—the youth of America have absolutely no taste—pure trash! (Like CREEM, which, laff, laff, tries to masquerade as a reasonably innovative periodical. Have you ever put ANY punk or even “New wave” groups on your cover in an other than microscopic picture? Maisnon! Lead Blimp, yes, but no Pistols or even Ramones!)

And concerning Jared Janes’ “Patriotic Note”—SSSPPFFRRGHHURRRP! (How do you spell the sound of puke spilling onto the page?) This is a prime exarhple of youpg America’s fucked-upness! Hey jacko, I don’t know how to break it to you, but this is 1980...this is the modern world! Disco sucks, rock is yesterday’s news, punk is IT (and ska, too)!

One last thing—I know who the Shades are.. .DO YOU? Go fuck your collective selves, assholes. Now the traditional long closing:

Never Been in a Riot, but...

I’m Just A...

Loyal CREEM Fan,

Alyssa ‘Tm So Bored With the U. S. A. ” D

Trenton, NJ

P.S. WARNING: The Sturgeon General has determined that CREEM causes cancer and prolonged use may be habit forming and hazardous to your mental health.

YOU’LL HERE MORE FROM ME SOON ENOUGH!

(Don’tyou mean “hear”?—Ed.)

DIMINISHED I.Q. SCARE!!

To all Led Zeppelin haters I have only one thing to say. I’ll give ya a Whole Lotta Love, every fuckin’ inch of it, just open your mouths real wide and “BLOW ME. ”

Signed,

10 Inches

Cleveland “Rocks,” OH

TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE, ETC.

Sirs,

Your letters rot.

Sirs,

Loudon Clear

Arlington,VA (One of them does. —Ed.)

IF I CLOSE MY EYES,

WILL IT GO AWAY?

How the fuck do you sell' your rag with all the dog shit that’s put into it? As I’m looking through the April issue I come across many things that make me want to puke. The first is a story on a group called the Sports. Who the FUCK are they? I mean I’ve never heard of a group under that name. And what do I come across next? You guessed it, some shitheads called the Specials, another unheard of band. And who the hell wants to read about these dildos? Not me. Well I could go on for days but I mu$t get into more interesting things. Like why you never put groups that people want to read about. Like my favorite group BLACK SABBATH \yes, YESjhe greatest thing that ever happened to Heavy Metal, why don’t you ever put in a story about Sabbath Huh? Are you afraid you’ll go to hell instead of heaven? Well all that I can say is that you better put Sabbath on the cover of the next issue or you’ll be cursed for life.

Yours Truly:

Ozzie Osbourne Tony Iommi Bill Ward Tqrry Butler

Jim Rowell (#1 Sabbath fan)

Walpole, MA

P.S. We love Sabbath ’cause smokin’ and trippin’ is all that we do...YEAH!!!!

(So that’s the reason!—Ed.)

PUSH IN THE BUSH?

Shit—the broads in your book are better than the record reviews. Your March issue was great1 Let’s see more of the blondes on page 12,29, Bebe and Blondie. I am an ex-terrorist and let’s see more ladies. I personally could give a crap about Graham Parker and all those other assholes.

Captain KKKKKK Cleveland, OH

P.S. Have more on Zappa (no, I ain’t one of them bi-sexuals, I just like his music).

(See next month’s “CREEM Rock Stars In The Nude” feature. —Ed.)

ROBERT FROST PLAGIARIZED!! Here’s a poem for all you god-damned Zeppelinites. Sleep on it, maybe you’ll learn something:

Punk rockers are really great.

Zeppelin fans ejaculate.

Punk rockers receive good head,

From the bloody fuckers that listen to Led. Johnny Rotten can always sing better Than Robert Plant, the faggot bed-wetter. Steve Jones can always outplay Gay Jimmy Page on any day.

Paul Cook is the best drummer.

John Bonham can drum on his cummer.

God save the Zeppelin freaks - When the bloody leavee breaks.

The Memories of Vicious will always live on. While rock and roll is long and gone.

B. Lee (NOT ORIENTAL)

Ewan, NJ

P.S. Sid Vicious, R.I.P.

P.P.S. To Malcolm X—I mean MarcusB, I’m a fuckin PUNK ROCKER, that’s who the fuck I think I am!

(Oh.-Ed.)

COMPULSIVE / RETENTIVE IRONY! Dear Assholes:

I’m getting sick and fucking tired of seeing dorks like Rick Nielsen and the Knack on the cover of every magazine you put out. If you guys had any balls you’d put the Ramones on the cover once in a while. Or better still, a picture of Iggy doing obscene things with his penis. Now that would sell yourmagazine.

I also wrote you a little joke' your readers will find incredibly amusing:

Q: What rock star smells like shit?

A: Iggy Poop. '

Don’t take any wooden nickles,

Jeff Martin Opa-Locka, FL

PASS THE PAMPERS I have just finished cleaning my own excrement from the seat of my Levi’s. Yes, it’s true. I actually shit my britches after hearing End Of The Century by the Ramones. Don’t get me

wrong, the Ramones are still kings, and the album is great except for “Baby I Love You.” Just what in the fuck has Phil Spector done to these boys? Strings on a Ramones album! This should not be. Oh well, there goes another of America’s last great rock band. It happened to Cheap Trick, Blondie, Johansen. Shit, if it happens to Petty or Springsteen I will commit teenacide. Oh ya, thanks for the tit shots of Deb.

J.B. Good

Seattle, WA

P.S. Have you ever tried Chainsaw sex? (How do you think we.got the shots?—Ed.)

BRAIN DAMAGE, DRUGS LINKED!

I’d like to tell you about two gprgeous guys. One is Steve Perry. I think he is a hunk ind he gets me higher than any dope I’ve ever smoked. The other is Punky Meadows. I love his long black hair and I wouldn’t kick him out of bed (or Steve) for all the Colombia Gold pot in the world.

I love long hair on guys and Steve & Punky got it. You need to print more on both of ’em and Journey and Angel deserve a lot more attention in your mag.

Cherri

Charlotte, NC

LUNCH BLOWS LUNCH!

OK, that’s it! When I saw the Reader Poll in the March edition, I had to go blow lunch a few times from being sick to my stomach! I couldn’t believe all the fuckin’ hippies that still exist! It’s totally ridiculous. When Jimmy Page gets Best Producer you know there’s something wrdng with some of the people that read this mag. I was surprised Page didn’t get more categories thari he did. Shit, the hippies should have given him Best R&B" Singer, Best Female Singer, Best New Wave Singer, etc. They gave him about everything else. However I do appreciate the other readers’ honesty for giving Page & Co. the sixth Worst Group and fifth place for Most Pathetic. That, they truly deserve. Also, what in the fuck are all these people complaining about bad record reviews for certain groups? i.e. Kansass, Foreignqueer, Flitword Mork, etc. When are you people gonna get your head our of your asses and find out that these groups stink, period! Boy, some people lead really boring lives!

Pete Lunch

Buffalo, NY

P.S. Question; Why do you guys print letters from people in Canuckland? To make us laugh or just feel sorry for them?

(Boy, some people lead really boring lives!—Ed.)

RUBBER DUBBER UPDATE ( Thanks for the photo of Miss Pink Bikini. The calendar part was nice too. I have taped it to the ceiling above my bed in hopes it will get less sticky.

Has it rea//y been ten years? Come on. Wasn’t 1970 just two or three years ago? My throat fills with nostalgia, choke, choke. Where else but from an industry stalwart, such as yourselves, could I have been kept in such excellent tune with rock’n’ roll while residing here in the hinterland.

Happy Birthday and thanks again for all those CREEM T-SHIRT GIRLS. Living proof that sexual fantasy is alive and well in Detroit.

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear CRE-EM. Happy birthday to youuuuuuuuuuuuu.

Love,

Scott Johnson

Albuquerque, NM

TURN TO PAGE 64

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 10

CALL ME AT THE ORIFICE!

Bebe Le Strange? Isn’t that French for “Good blow-jobs backstage”?

Thought so!

Wally

St Petersburg, FL

. P.S. Are there any openings left at the Iggy Pop School for the Musically Insane?

(Sorry. All the openings have been “filled.”— Ed.)

CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM!

The Ramones are a waste of time, man. Pink Lady are much better. That is why they have their Own show. You could do yourselves a favor and feature more Pink Lady, and less of retards like tVie Ramones. Remember, pink, not punk, is where it’s at.

Sincerely,

J. Mark Ramone

Arlington, VA

VAN HALEN SAUSAGES SPECIAL! *

I was driving home after buying the March ’80 issue of CREEM at naturally my nearest music store. I had the radio station on KEZY (the only good AM station that “kicks ass!”) and they were playing “Two Tickets To Paradise.” Well, driving down the street and looking through a mag ain’t too cool, I don’t recommend it, besides, I almost crashed twice. Anyway, I turn the page with the CREEM Dreem—none other than the blond babe, David Lee Roth! Jeez, Dave, you sure know how to get someone’s license revoked! Well, it was totally ironic about the song and the picture. This is to Dave, personally, I’ll supply the two tickets to paradise if you bring the “G-String.” Plus.. .Van Halen is the most outrageous group in the world... excellent concerts. ..love ’em. I need ’em.,.no...have neat albums...posters...“I just want to feel your love tonight, ya!”

Stacy

San Gabrie/ CA

P.S. Dave, let’s see and hear Van Halen III soon!

(If it’s pink and it wiggles, send us five!—Ed.] ^