HOME: In the eight-track tape decks of muscle cars nationwide.

AGE: Pliant.

PROFESSION: Exciting salivatory glands; keeping hearing aid manufacturers in business; spandex analysis and the art of weakening virile teenage knees.

HOBBIES: Upsetting neighborhood dogs; dental suggestiveness; inspecting palms for hair; inner thigh harmony.

LAST BOOK READ: Men In Love by Nancy Friday.

LAST ACCOMPLISHMENT: Gnawed her way through three telephone books.

QUOTE: “Don’t worry, you won’t go blind.”

PROFILE: Hammering eardrums via FM, Heavy Metal Queen Pat Benatar’s dynamic vocal range has inspired the animal instinct in young men nationwide, boosted Danskin sales and set genealogists to work tracing the suspected link between the Benatar and Osbourne family trees; Pat has managed to outyelp the most antediluvian of male-extremity-conscious metalloids with the lowest testosterone level yet documented—and for that we salute her XX chromosomes.

BEER: Boy Howdy!