“1 don’t think chic has anything to do with money. You can have all the money in the world and have no idea what elegance means. ”

Bianca Jagger

Right you are, Mrs. ex-Jagger. To get dressed to the nines in designer clothes—say just about anything off the racks at Saks or Bon wit Teller’s, not to mention the more expensive boutiques like Charles Jourdan, Scarpa, Vittorio Ricci, etc.—is going to cost you anywhere from $600 on up—and if you spend that kind of money on cloth to wrap your body in, read no further. You obviously don’t need me, just a good accountant.

We have seen people who are very well-to-do dress like they just escaped from the Shrine Circus. It is indeed a wonderful thing to be able to walk into any store you please and grab clothes off the rack without looking at the price tag, but you have to wonder if they look at themselves in the mirror before they buy.

Enough for the rich folk, who are drinking Perrter all the way to the bank. What we’re concerned with is you, the consumer of cheaD vinyl products.

Prices are getting pretty outrageous, what with the prime rate going; up, as well as gold, silver, and marijuana, so what are you gonna do? Rob a bank? No, of course not. You will probably look for another job, scalp Black Sabbath tickets, keep your job and freelance as a Hoover salesman— whatever. It will never get better, unless you win a lottery or receive an inheritance. In other words, you must learn to live within your means, by whatever means.

All right, we’ve survived the 70’s—all in one piece, I hope. First step you must take before entering the 80’s is to go to your closed, and throw out the following items: tie-dye t-shirts, pants, jackets, socks, etc., buckskin jackets w/fringes (I still see people with them on!), platform shoes and boots, anything with glittet on it.

Men: go down to a barber, beauty shop, poodle-groomer, whatever your liftle heart desires, and cut your fucking hair off! Stop reading this for a moment and go look in the

mirror. Do you understand now why your father thinks you are an asshole? You don’t have to get a punk haircut (what’s that, anyway?), or shave your head. Just try to look human. Long hair went out with Grand Funk, kiddo, and that was six years ago (if you can remember back that far).

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Women! Go to a barbershop or beautician and get rid of that shag. Every woman with thin hair in the Northern hemisphere has her hair shingled on each side a la Suzi Quatro in 1972, so that each layer can flop down, more limp than the next, making her hair look—if possible—even thinner than before. This haircut is always considered a wash ’n’ wear, which is utterly disastrous.

ALSO: If you must wear long hair make sure it’s clean and well-kept, and DON’T go around swinging it like it was 1966 and nobody ever had hair down to their waist before. Other dancers on the dance floor don’t want your split ends in their mouths, and IT’S"NO BIG DEAL. If you want to think you’re trendy, pin-straight waist-length hair had its day in the sun. If you were too young for the first time around, OK, but keep it out of our faces.

ATTENTION TRENDIES: Short hair indeed looks new, but don’t get all Robert DeNiro about it if you’re female. Specials-type skinhead do’s make you look like a mental asylum escapee if you’re a guy, if you’re a girl...

Re comrowing; (a) It’s ridiculous (b) It makes you go bald (c) It accentuates your ugly face and (d) It’s a traditional black style.

Depending on where you go for your musical entertainment, being fashionable or trendy, as they might say on some twenty-four dollar island in the east, depends on many personal factors, from what you do to who.you associate with. Blue jeans will probably never go out of style, as well as black leather jackets.

There is nothing more disgusting than a pair of tight spandex or leather pants on a fat person. Everywhere I go I see otherwise dignified human beings stuffing their cellulite into these glorified Glad-bags, forno apparent reason. Really—only about one person in one hundred can wear these god-awful things. If you must wear them, wear them around the house where no one can see you.

Let it be known that we know that all of you guys who persist in wearing: flannel shirts (if you’re not Rory Gallagher), workboots, GAT diesel power caps, bandanas around your greasy locks, bushy beards (attention disc jockeys with the Michael McDonald look), black fingernails, pit-stained Van Halen t-shirts, etc., are, according to a recent study, troubled about their masculinity.

On the new wave (ob) scene, there seems to be this fascination with wearing leopard and tigerskin print shirts, vests, jackets and pants. O.K.—it is fun to wear, it’s colorful, it’s groovy, it may make you feel like Tarzan, but wear only one piece at a time. Leopard and tigerskin print clothes are a bit loud, so just remember what your mother used to say, “Anything in moderation is all right.” '

On to new trends. I’ve noticed people cruising around the avenues in paramilitary regalia. Whether this was inspired by the Clash, fhe movies Coming Home, the Deer Hunter or Apocalypse Now, the situation in Iran or a combination of these things is anyone’s guess. All I can tell so far this year is that camouflage shirts, jackets and fatigues are de rigeur this season as well as the regular olive drab outfits.

George Clinton of F-Funk fame has adopted the paramilitary look. Clinton showed up at a Mutants/Torpedoes gig in Detroit wearing a British Army field sweater, regulation chopper pibt fatigues circa Vietnam, olive drab field jacket and corn-rowed hair. Cool comes in every color, my friend. \

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Army surplus stores are all over the U.S. so there is no reaspn why you can’t'partake in this trend. The field jackets, fatigues, shirts etc. are reasonably priced, so even the meagerest of budgets can be outfitted to the nines.

Note: Remove any insignia that says Ranger, or any Special Forces patch, unless you served in these branches of the Army. People who served with these particular outfits generally don’t think it is too chic or funny to see someone who obviously didn’t wear these patches. Forewarned is forarmed.

P.S. Everyone is very concerned with the world situation, spiraling inflation, getting cancer,1 getting drafted, etc. This all may be very depressing, but there is, for the fashion-conscious, a light at the end of this long tunnel. THE 60’s HAVE BEEN DEAD FOR TEN YEARS! %