MAIL

MAIL

Please send letters to:

MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine

P.O. Box P-1064

Birmingham, Ml 48012 v

NO MORE TALENTLESS WIMPS!!

I’m curious; how in the hell can you guys afford to continue publishing your poor excuse for a Rock ’n’ Roll magazine? Surely not out of the pennies you manage to scrape up out of the few subscribers you do get a hold of by printing their ridiculous letters praising faggots like Iggy Pop, Johnny Rotten and the Sex Pistols, the Ramones, and so on. A bunch of talentless fags who mean nothing to Rock and never will because they don’t have the fucking talent to get anywhere besides garages and baserrients.

And what’s really hilarious is their fans. They send letters to you assholes putting down real tale nt like Zeppelin, Bad Co., and any other stars that had enough talent to pay for their own instruments without taking purses from old women, selling drugs, or scrounging it from their embarrassed parents.

I’m 25 years old and have been listening to rock before they knew what a tit was. I grew up listening to real Rock that is still being played by any respectable FM station in' the country more than any of this New Wave bullshit, and by real performers who know what the hell they’re doing, and after 10 to 15 years, can still sell more records and tickets than any New Wave assholes alive. Cut out the shit and you might make it up there with Rolling Stone.

Real Rock Fan,

Tacoma, WA

{Nah. Henry Kissinger doesn’t write good captions. —Ed.)

SHLONG FOR THE MASSES A friend of mine was telling me of a thing called an Iggy Pop that crawls on its stomach and whips out its shlong a lot. This sounds remarkably like my father who, tragically, while on his way to an Ernest Angley Miracle Crusade, crashed in an Ann Arbor trailer park 12 years ago. Could you guys please help me find my father? Friday nights just haven’t been the same since ol’ dad disappeared.

Thanks for your help,

Elmo Osterberg

Toe Fat, NC

P.S. For five years now I’ve had this recurring dream that my dad wasDavid Bowje’s dog! What the hell is going on?

(We don’t know, but somebody’s gotta clean up that mess on the carpet. —Ed,)

LIFE IN THE MENTAL WART! CREEM: Have you ever heard of T. Rex? I doubt it.

A Wart

Living In Wart Town

In A Wart Country

Sarnia, ONT.

SPEECH THERAPIST NEEDED The following is to settle, once and for all time, the eternal controversy as to whom is the best “female vocalist.” NO, I don’t mean Grade Fields. It’s Ms. Millie Jackson, of course. Her latest release (and I do mean re-LEASE) is entitled Live & Uncensored, and is the best album of its genre since Jerry Lee’s Greatest Live Show On Earth from ’way back in 1965. If ally proof is necessary, may I quote from Ms, Jackson’s finest composition on the aforementiioned “elpee.” Look on the cover to get the title (HINT: It’s not “ J ust When I Needed You Most”). Fuck you; fuck you; fuuuuuck you.

Fuck you, fuck you, fu-u-u-u-uck you.

Fuck you, fuck .you, fu-u-u-u-uck you. F-f-fuck you! F-f-fuck you!

F-f-fuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck you!

Fu-uu-uck you, fu-u-u-uck you, Fu-u-u-q-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-uck you. Fu-u-u-uck you, fu-u-u-uck you, Fu-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-uck you.

(Fuck you!)

Fu-u-u-uck you, fu-u-u-uck you. fu-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-uck you.

Fu-u-u-uck you,' fu-u-u-uck you, Fu-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-uck you.

FUCK YOU (Fuck you!) FUCK YOU (Fuck You!) FUCK YOU! (Fuck you!)

FUCK YOU! (Fuck you!) FUCK YOU!

(Fuck you!) FUCK YOU! (Fuck you!)

FUCK YOU! (Fuck you!) FUCK YOU!

(Fuck you!) FUCK YOU! (Fuck you!)

FUCK YOU! (Fuck you!) FUCK YOU!

(Fuck you!) FUCK YOU! (Fuck you!)

FUCK YOUFUCK YOU FUCK YOUFUCK YOUFUCK YOU!

Fcuk you, fuck you, fu-u-u-u-uck you.

Fuck you, fuck you, fu-u-u-u-uck you.

F-f-fuck you! Fu-u-uck you! ;

F-f-fuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck you!

FUCK YOU!

FUUUUUUUCK YOU! FUUUUUUUCK YOU!

FUCK YOU!

FUCK YOU!!!

Eat your heart out, Karla Bonoff.

Dr. Goodtime,

Bunghole, AL

BATTLE OFTHE OINKS!!

So Meat Loaf thinks he puts on a good show, huh? What'a bunch of SHIT! I just saw him on Saturday Night Live. WHAT A PATHETIC SLIME MOLD! Ghaad, what a pig! Talk about watered-down, formula rock, this dude takes the cake. An’ that ain’t my only bitch, so don’t throw this letter into the trash burner yet. I was readin’ a local music paper the other flight. Here’s this interview with the Clash,; made during their recent pass through town, in which one of those dutnb shits made the following quote: “True punks dig rock in all of its forms.” OK, fair enough, but I wouldn’t know because Fm not a punk. Well I also read this quote by one of the Clash in your fair mag: “Led Zeppelin? I don’t even have to listen to the music. One took at the album cover and I wanna puke.” t rest my case. Oh well, that just proves in my mind what I knew all along: that the Clash suck and that Led Zeppelin rules.

Do drugs every day.

Joe Schmoe

Seattle, WA

P.S. No relation to Joe Blow. /.

(And the chrpmosome damage controversy continues. —Ed.)

GURGLES FROM MOOG Allen Hester:

All of us at Moog read and enjoy your magazine (the Marketing Department looks at die pictures, makes gurgling noises, and rattles its restraints), and we’re especially glad that a publication with such a wide circulation writes intelligent articles in such a specialized area.

Your review of, the Moog Prodigy was excellent. I’d like to clear up a point that might have been confusing. The Prodigy does have a low frequency oscillator, totally separate frcjm the second audio oscillator. When the two audio oscillators are in syn, Osc. 2 is locked to Osc. 1 (syn effects are heard by movingthe pitch wheel), but the LFO is still active and variable.

This letter probably has too many multi-syllable words for your letters col urns, but, in any case, I hope you keep on spreading the good word about the technical side of the music world. Sincerely,

Rock Wehrmann Artist-in-Residence *

Moog Music, Inc.

MORGAN’S DAD DISCOVERED!

Just who the fuck is Jeffrey Morgan and who the fuck cards except Jeffrey Morgan? Lmean, is this the boss’s kid and you had to hire him or what? If I want to read that asshole’s life-story I’ll wait till it gets in the Book-of-the-Month Club—I don’t need/want it in monthly installments of CREEM Magazine.

In an Ian Hunter article (Jan.) I expect to read about Ian Hunter, not some blow-by-snot replay of that twit writerVphysical ailments. And as for that sad excuse fora Records feature (Dec.), who gives a flying one how he lives his boring life anyway? Spare me! And spare this magazine from that snot-nosed whining little fuckwad and his jerking articles or I’ll no longer spare $1.25 for this otherwise fair publication! No-Nuge-of-the-North (Way-the-Hell-up-in) Bay City, MI P.S. Now that you’ve done your bit for the Mutants (Clemma Rock forever—did those guys go to Catholic School?) when’s the story on,those Motor City Honey Boys, the Romantics? (Or is J. Morgan working on it now?)

(Morgan is currently writing his autobiography, tentatively titled: I Forced People To Read AH. About Me AGAINST THEIR WILL! For an autographed copy, call Canada. Of course the Mutants went to Catholic school! Tom Morwatts was an altar boy!—Ed.)

JEFFREY MORGAN’S NEWALIAS REVEALED!!

On behalf of Jeffrey Morgan, I would like to thank alfthe CREEM readers who voted for him and placed him twelfth in the Rock Critic Of The Year category in the 1979 CREEM Readers’ Poll.

At present, Jeffrey is busy in Germany establishing CREEM’s Berlin Bureau. However, if he were here, I’m sure he’d pledge to keep up his usual high standards of cynicism during the next year.

Unfortunately, CREEM only prints the Top Ten results of its poll. This being the case, a campaign has been established to elect Jeffrey Morgan into the Top Ten ranks of Rock Critic Of .The Year for 1980. »

But Jeffrey can’t do it alone. Your cards and letters jn the, CREEM mail section have helped, but don’t let if stop there. We’ve got a big battle ahead of us and we’ve .only six months left. Machine Rock Campaign Manager,

The Committee to Elect Jeffrey Morgan into the Top Ten,

Toronto, Ontario,

Canada

(Tet your dad we need raises, Jeff.—Ed.)

VITAL HALF-TRUTHS!!

Every once in a while a bit of off-the-wall info comes out on some rock star or another. The following is a collection of such trivia; some known, some unknown, some better left unsaid:

Alice Cooper was bitten by a shark in 1969. He still has the scar on his lower abdomen.

Chaka Khan claims to be “addicted” to White Castle hamburgers.

Randy California was actually born in California.

Cat Stevens wrote “Wild World” as a song to himself.

Jimi Hendrix had pimples when he died.

Michael Schenkerof UFO has been religiously abducted by the “Moonies” twice.

Mick Jagger had a diamond imbedded in his front teeth in the early 70’s.

■Nearly all of the original Steppenwolf was German.

Cheech and Chong are both getting into their 40’s.

Ronnie Van Zant left two daughters to the world. Following the plane crash a trust/ memorial fund was set up for them.

> Jammin’ J. Geils used to be in a folk-rock band.

Berry Oakley died nearly a year after Duane Allman and'within a few blocks.

Ozzy Osbourne’s father made silver crosses for the band after they were threatened by witches. The name “Black Sabbath” is based on an old Boris Karloff movie. They were originally1 called “Earth.”

v Keith Moon was hired after destroying a drum set during an audition.

In 1973 Mick Jagger said he’d retire when he hit 33. This summer he’ll be 36.

David Bowie is afraid of being flown in an airplane.

Frank Zappa has nearly enough old tapes 4o release an album a year for the rest of his life.

Randy Bachman is a Mormon.

The only rock band to appear on the Tonight Show was the Youngbloods. An argument between band and technicians caused a ban on any future rock acts.

Frank Zappa was severely injured in 1971 by being thrown off the stage by an angry fan. The fool’s reason waS that his girlfriend said she was in love with Zappa.

John Mayall had one of the largest pom collections known until a recent fire destroyed it and his home:

Iggy Pop was once a substitute drummer for the Shangri-Las.

Olivia Newton-John believes demons are after her because of her fame and fortune.

Neil Young and Steve Stills met one another in a car collision.

James Taylor and Carly Simon were married in Carly’s apartment.

“The Monster Mash” was banned by the BBC in 1962.

Charlie Manson was dragged from court after singing “The Old Grey Mare” to the judge.

Only two bands have played at Shea Stadium: the Beatles and Grand Funk Railroad.

The world-famous Woodstock Festival was in Wallkill, New York.

Peter Tork is now a teacher and played at CBGB’s a couple years back.

Dolly Parton’s first big song was “Dumb Blonde.”

Carly Simon only does rare concerts due to acute stage fright.

Jeff Beck is a car nut when he lays down the guitar.

“River Deep and Mountain High,” “Let It

Rock” and “House of the Rising Sun” are the most circulated songs in rock.

Waylon Jennings used to tour with the Grateful Ddad.

CREEM magazine is not America’s only rock ’n’ roll magazine.

Eric Clapton used to make stained-glass windows before making a musical career. Y

Angus Young mooned an estimated 100,00Q people Sept. 1,1979 in Nuremberg.

“Gloria” has been played by Van Morrison, Patti Smith, Jimi Hendrix, the Doors, and countless garage bands.

—and I couldabeen watching War of the Worlds while compiling this. * >.

Greg Hurd

Melvindale, MI

(Maybe you should have been. — Ed.)

WHAT’S GREY AND COMES IN QUARTS?

I’m sick. How could a fucking brown paper bag be voted Best Album Cover of the Year? The only idiot who would buy that album would be a * wino. Who voted for that album? I’ll tell you who—it was those heavy-metal-asshole-freaklovers (ex-Ted Nugget, Kiss, Aeroshit, Queer, etc.). Contratulations to Blondie and all who voted for them.

Long Live New Wave '

Mario Z.

New York, NY (Uhhh... an elephant?—Ed.)

DEEP THOUGHTS, CONTINUED...

I have one thing to say about PUNK— PQUOIT!! The best groups are: LED ZEPPELIN, •' LYNYRD SKYNYRD, AEROSMITH, NEIL YOUNG, TED NUGENT, JEFFERSON STARSHIP, MOLLY HATCHET, OUTLAWS, ROLLING STONES, QUEEN, CHEAP TRICK, FOGHAT, FOREIGNER, BOSTON, WHO, BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN, JIMI HENDRIX, HEART, KANSAS, ELO, KISS, JOURNEY, STYX, VAN HALEN, AC/DC AND CARS.

DISCO’S DEAD, IT CAN GIVE ME HEAD! How can anyone compare stupid, fucking punk rock with the ultimate music above?

New wave like BLONDIE, JOE JACKSON, THE CARS, and DEVO are fairly good, but.the rest is like trying to mix oil with water.

The SEX PISTOLS were so fucking gay, it’s a wonder how they ever became a group!

(LANCE, EAT DICK BUQDY)

FROM TWO FUCKIN DEDICATED ROCK

FANS FROM THE FUCKIN CITY OF

CHAMPIONS!

PITTSBURG, PA

PS. IN YOUR FEBRUARY 1980 ISSUE THERE’S A PICTURE OF PAT BENATAR SPREADING. TELL HER SHE CAN SPREAD ON MY FACE LIKE THAT ANYTIME!!

PSS. IGGY’S A FUCKIN QUEER!

(MORAL: Ben Dover was a homophobe, too. —Ed.)

NOT FROM NANCVWILSON!

■ This is a letter about one of your letters. You see, my name is Rachel so I am always being referred to as Rachel Sweet. In your February 1980 issue there was a letter with the song “Ode de Creeme” which contains the line “We want nude pictures of Rachel Sweet.” Say no more.

Rachel Z.

New York City, NY

P.SYou don’t think Springsteen will start chasing after me—do you?

(Depends on who takes the pictures.—Ed.)