THE BEAT GOES ON

THE BEAT GOES ON

CALE SPEAKS, ZAPPA PONDERS GOING TO BATHROOM!!

Thanks to a nearby hidden microphone CREEM presents an exclusive taped conversation between famed intellectuals Frank Zappa and John Cale I Wow! :

CALE: Hey Frank, you were at least funny 'til Uncle Meat. What happened?

FRANK: Hmmm?

CALE: I said at least you knew what you were doing 10 years ago? What's goin' on?

FRANK: What?

CALE: I SAID EVERY ALBUM YOU'VE PUT OUT SINCE OVERNIGHT SENSATION HAS BIT THE BIG WEENIE, YOU OUT-OF-TOUCH HIPPIE DORK!! WISE UP, DOPE!!

-FRANK: Oh, uhh...you talking to me?

CALE: Nnqghhh...

FRANK: Hmmm?

photos by

DialS For Slasher

TORONTO—The train screamed to a slow stop inside the Main Street station. Stepping out onto the subway platform, I cast a nervous glance at my digital: 11:58. Almost midnight I instinctively thought as I walked down the narrow ledge towards the end wall.

There right next to the blue emergency light was the door, flaked with grey paint from another era. 1 tried the doorknob and it gave slightly. Of course it did: he was waiting for me. Somewhere down—there.

The wrought-iron steps led down in a steep spiral. Within minutes I was more than 60 feet below the subway level. I tried to imagine how far below street level T was and shuddered slightly.

Then I heard the music: loud, brutal rock ’n’ roll, and followed it some 500 feet until I came to another door; this one small and brown, adorned with a lone silver plaque: CUT THROAT.

I knocked twice and entered. There, before me, was a manic figure stooped over banks of tape decks and ominous machines, squeezing out a driving pulse of deafening 4/4 rhythm.

Suddenly, the music ceased. The figure whirled around, throwing shards of candlelight off his dark glasses. His face and hands, both covered in bandages, contorted—and there was a slight movement of gauze where the mouth should be.

“Ah, you must be from CREEM. Excuse me for not hearing you knock,” he said, jerking his head in the direction of the pulsing machines, “but as you can see, I’ve been busy.”

Indeed. For this was no mere accident victim I was in the presence of . It was Nash The Slash, the Phantom of Rock.

“I see you’re admiring my machines. Wonderful, aren’t they?” The Slash said, smiling at his numerous synthesizers and synthetic percussion devices. “There are two advantages to working with machines. First, they do not talk back and, second, they don’t cost anything to feed.

“Why? Because my machines need all the power they can get.I need electricity for other things.”

Somewhere behind me I thought I heard the quiet hum of an electric freezer.. I quickly put the thought out of my head.

“Perhaps your readers would be interested in hearing about my stage show,” The Slash" offered. ‘‘As you know, I am— quite literally—a one man band.

I create all my music using mandolin and violin, drum .machines; keyboards, sequencer pedals, yocals and numerous devices which alter find sound: echo, fuzz, flanger, phase...

“Visually, I perform in a totally white environment using a combination of slide and film projectors, stage props and lighting constructed, designed and operated by Stephen Pollard. I’ve worked with other designers, but only Stephen hefs managed to last as long as he has. Stephen used to work as an embalmer for one of the local funeral houses before I found him. His work with latex and silicone to create that fresh dead look is truly remarkable. It’s outstanding what he can do...”

“I understand you work with two others—”

“Yes,”The Slash interrupted.

“Paul Till is my personal pphotographer. He used to work gfor the Toronto Telegram before “"it folded as one of their police photographers. Toby Dammit, oddly enough, also worked for the Tely as a typesetter. He actually used to typeset the obituary columns. For obvious reasons, he decided to change his name when he became my lyricist. Till, on the other hand, doesn’t care about using his real name; he’s got nothing to lose.”

“Your shows are often extremely terrifying,” I advanced. “Have you ever had any actual casualties as a result of them?”

“Yes, people have run out of the environment screaming. People have run up to the stage waving large butcher knives, threatening to kill me. One person who was on acid jumped out of a window. Four stories high,” laughed The Slash. “So you can understand why I cherish my privacy. Besides,” The Slash continued, waving white hand over his head, “the sound of the trains masks my music from reaching the subway patrons. Anyone who invades my territory is asking for death. It?s about having fun, but it’s no joke.”

The Mighty'Quin

DETROIT—“Whatever Happened To Quaaludes?” is the ~ title of a popular Mutants song, and well they should wonder. The eVer-searce and expensive quackers are not even going to exist any more. Well, as “Qu&aludes,” anyway. That wacky drug people used to take in the early 7(Ts so they could fall down and have fun is now going to be called “Mequin.” Not exactly a word to roll trippingly off the tip of your tongue...

I.C. Lemon

After opening for a number of acts such as Devo, Elvis Costello, XTC, Ultravox and the Slits, The Slash has recently begun to invade New York with a series of concerts designed to spread the Nash Environment even further. Already he has begun to garner a fair amount of press and, during his recent New Year’s Eve show as Hurrah, even Iggy “Modern World” Pop decided to bring in the 80’s with The Slash. “Only in New York City can you do a concert on New Year’s Eve and realize that that same day, in 24 hours, eleven people have been murdered,” reflected The Slash.

“It’s so inspiring.”

I asked about his recent recording endeavors. Already with two albums (Bedside Companion and Dreams And Nightmares) to his credit, he’s just released his first single on Cut-Throat (his own label)' Jan and Dean’s vintage “Dead Man’s Curve.”

/‘Rather fitting, don’t you think?” The Slash asked, throwing his head back to laugh.

“The B side is called “Swing Shift (Soixante-Neuf).” an original composition. My music is now more rock ’n’ roll. The music I’ve put on record up until now has been, essentially, film music: all instrumental, all laid back—almost classically influenced. My current live material, however, is all rock ’n’ roll^and has been for a long time. I’ve been backlogged with so much material, but I’m catching up very quickly with my stage act record.”

“And just how available are your records?” I asked.

“In the States, they’re available in any record store that’s serviced by JEM Imports. So mostly the smaller import stores have got them. If not, they can be ordered from JEM. And now,” The Slash said, swinging around towards his machines, “if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.”

A loud jungle rhythm shook the room and I * backed out through the door slowly. Making my way up to the subway platform, I caught the last train going North and headed home.

Jeffrey Morgan

Broken English

DETROIT—God bless rock groups. All of them. I really believe they are the sincerest, 1 wisest—yes, the best people I know.

But a sorry affliction has spread among these fine people during the last decade. Namely, rock groups have forgotten (a) that they are groups of individuals, and (b) that, as such, they might want to take advantage of the handy English trick of forming the plural by appending the letter “s” to their name.

What a terrible thing to happen! I’m sure that most, or at -least some of these fine people graduated from high school. But what happened? Toto. Styx. Foreigner. Kansas. Rush. At least The Knack Had the good sense to use the article. Is it. coincidental that their first album went to #1? Have The Kansas established comparable credentials?

Listening to people talk about these singular acts is like listening to a French-Canadian hockey announcer...“Yes,Ranger looked strong in second period, but Can-yay-din will have the man advantage..."

Where will it all end? Will Beatle get back together? Will Stone put out a better album than Some Girls? And what about Kink...will their comeback continue?

I don’t know how it happened .. .maybe it has something to do with packaging,or promotion, but I can’t imagine how. I only wish I could feel more comfortable when discussing the imaginative musicianship of The Totos and The Foreigners.

J. Kordosh

Pop Tour Derails ...Briefly

NEW ORLEANS-The rumor’s been that Iggy Pop’s current tour had to be temporarily shut down because “he h$d some bronchial ailments./’ But Detroit’s perennial pin-up was more concerned about a staff infection than any respiratory distress.

Iggy opened the tour in New Orleans in the middle of Mardi Gras, on February 17. Perhaps the strain of the carnival was to much for him.

The next day, he arrived an hour late for an appearance at a local record store, skipping through the door in A jerky half-jig. Then he clambered atop a counter to announce, “You’re looking at a case of nervous collapse.”

He was disappointed with the previous night’s show because “the band isn’t rocking, so I need to make some changes.”

“The guy on bass (Billy Rath, ex-Heartbreakers) is an asshole, and I just fired him and the drummer (Klaus Kruger, from Tangerine Dream). And I’m taking a three-week hiatus from the tour to get everything together.”

He was happier with the other half of his band, guitarists Ivan Krai and Rob Dupree (of the fabulous Mumps). “Ivan can play anything. We may be having him do some keyboards when we get back.”

Back from the hospital? An Arista spokesperson insisted later that the cahcellations of several dates were due to Iggy’s ill health. “He only dropped about a week and a half, and most of the dates have already been rescheduled.”

It was impossible to judge the Soldier boy’s health from the show; a sludge-ridden sound system left the great white wonder sounding like he sang from inside a locked trunk. Still, Field Marshall Pop valiantly led his troops through a set of mostly new songs, some from the Soldier LP and others still unrecorded. And he was cuddled, carressed, and finally pulled into the audience by rabid fans at the lip of the foot stage.

His post concert chat, how^ ever, revealed no ugly hocking of phlegm or other sounds of lung failure. He was loudly and clearly disgusted with many of the musicians he’d been working with lately, beginning with long-time colleague James Williamson. “He sold out for money. He lives in a condominium now,” Iggy sneered.

Greed also broke up his European touring band, which featured Brian James (Damned casualty) and Glen Matlock (Sex Pistols, Rich Kids). “Too many people in that band were interested in nothing but money.”

Iggy might have taken advantage of the three week layoff to spend some money of his own. He wasn’t looking for a condo, but|the Motor City’s favorite son is shopping for real estate in America. “I might even buy a house down here. I never been down south much, but I like it.”

Chris Farrell

MY MOMMY TOLD ME. IF I WAS GOODY...

"Jimmy! Jimmy I My poor lost baby Jimmy i I vo finally found you I” crios an ovorcomo Mrs. Ostorborg. "I’ve soarchod tho world ovorto find my poor littlo Jimmy-poo, and boro ho is, all grown up. Doos baby-dumpling want a cookie? No? Well, now that I've found you, you littlo shit, march rjght homo and got your room domed up, because your father and I are having company tonight, and I don't want to bo embarrassed by that pigsty that you pass off as a bedroom. And for crying out loud, would you please take a bath? My word I What have you been doing for the fast twenty years? Swimming in septic tanks? And when you're finished with your bath, pick up your dirty towels and put them In the laundry hamper, or else there'll be no television..."

Smarter Than The Average Ramone

CHICAGO—Lyric sheets may soon be replacing cheat sheets at exam time if a DePaul University professor’s experiment proves to be true.

Dr. B. Everard Blanchard found that students listening to rock music during a test scored higher grades than students puzzling away in silence. Just why this happens is anybody’s guess, but please don’t ask Pete Townshend. The doc suggests that the added brain power the glorified mice dempnstrated may be due to the lower pulse rates and blood pressure registered when The Beat was on.

Unfortunately, Dr. Blanchard had to cancel plans to give his Male Anatomy 102 final at an upcoming Iggy Pop concert for fear the performer might “queer” the results.

Rick Johnson

5 YEARS AGO

Wheel‘Em In, Boys

John Cafe thinks Lou Reed is a hypochondriac. “You name a symptom and he thinks he’s got it. Like he thought he had syphilis because his balls felt heavy. So he went to a doctor.” Meanwhile Nico got hitched to a guy named Gene Krell, owner of Granny Takes A Trip, in London. John • Cale and Nick Kent were witnesses,, and Lou Reed dropped in, some say literally, claiming that he fell through the floor due to the weight of his balls.