DRINK IT BEFORE IT BITES: CREEM’S GUIDE TO BEER

Quick—what's the national pastime? Baseball? Pinball? Drugs? Making faces back at the TV? No no, you silly gooses, it's getting loaded, falling down and puking on your shoes, or your friends' shoes if at all possible. And what's the favorite agent of lushhood? BEER of course, that golden nektar of stupidity; 22.7 gallons per person last year and growing. While that only makes us #14 on the world charts, I say screw all those Krauts and Aussies—the crud they drink tastes like something that was used hard and put away wet.

The big question facing the discriminating sudsucker is: which one will best help extend that beer bellv without applying a POLICE TOW sticker on your tongue? So us brewboos here at (what magazine is it this month? oh yeah—Scientific Burnout) decided to—heh heh—find out for you. Yet another Reader Service!

The testing procedure used was extensive (we drank lots of each), unprejudiced (one of our testers once knew a Chinaman) and, above all, scientific (we drank them all at the same speed). And boy did we ever employ a lot of testers. I don't know how all these characters found out about The Experiment, although I think it might have been when I jumped on a table over at Chesthair's Lounge and hollered "FREE BEER AT RICK JOHNSON'S HOUSE!''

In case we've missed your particular favorite, it's either because they don't sell out here, or because we missed a lot of stuff, like say three whole days.

The author wishes to thank .the cast of anonymous, stinky scientists who drank all the beer, peed on the TV every time a SaniFlush commercial came on, licked the decals off my Ranger Rick glass, used my records for big black potato chips, frightened my puppy into autism, used the screen door for making scrambled eggs and then fed them to my Girl Scout calendar.

So snap open a cool one or eight and read on but remember: it's not how you play the game, it's whether you know where the bathroom is when you're done.

by Rick Johnson

COORS

Tester #1 —You gotta be kiddin' me, people out West like this Kleenex water?

#2—They'll like anything about mountains.

#3—Reminds me of the lining in my little brother's winter coat.

BUD

#4 (arriving)—Thisisa new heightin the waste of time.

# 1 ^-Hey—th is i s Science!

#4—Science, shit. Gimme a Bud. (snap, glug) ah.. .

#2—Really, this is more like it. That primo carbonation makes me wanna go scuba.

#3—I'd say it's so good, it'll make you forget your sordid past and your sordid present.

SCHOENLING

#5,6 (arriving)—OK, where's the goods?

#1—Herp, drink this, you scum.

#6—Smooth ... pretty tasty too.

#5—No kiddin', couple cans of this and I'd prob'ly go paint my shoes or something.

BUSCH

#7 (arriving)—I can see it now: SIX DEAD IN RAILROAD HOVEL.

#4—Hey, this house has seceded from reality.

#7—No shit, plus you gimme Busch.

#2—No good deed goes unpunished. #7—God, tastes like the tears of sad rats.

OLY GOLD

# 1 —Yer so smart, try some of this.

#7 (cringing),—NO NO NO that stuff's as bad as a feigned orgasm.

#4—Ha ha ha good one... uh oh, a flash flood warning has just been issued for my sneakers.

ANHEUSER BUSCH LIGHT #8-10 (arriving)—Yuck, this house looks li ke one of those towns where it rained fish.

#2—So swim in some of this, finheads. #9—Uh oh, the dreaa AB Light, how's that commercial go. ..

#1 —"You don't have to call me Johnson—" «

#9—Oh Rick, you're such a Potsie. PABST BLUE RIBBON #10—Time for so me he-man beerl'd say. -

#11 (arriving)—What's this, the set for a Prevent Home Accidents commercial? Whoa! Pabst Blue Ribbon, damned if I didn't forget my white socks.

#5—Here, Jisten to some of mine.

#2—Cut it out you guys, this is good beer. It's solid and darkish, but no

cru mmy aftertaste.

#5—Listen to this guy, sounds likea voiceover on a rug commercial, (mimics) "Our lovely shag carpets leave no nasty aftertaste—■"

#2—Heyfuckhead, how'dyou like to bend in severa l places... (the first of several "scuffles" erupts).

LITTLE KINGS

#1—Here you jerks, this'll settle ya down.

#5—You gotta be kiddin'. (sings) "I'm the Little King, I have a little thing—" #10—If you'd drink some, you'd see it's notbadatall.

#9^Whaziz it says it's "Cincinnati's Finest".

#1 —It's second after the squeezings from George Foster's wristba nds.-

OLYMPIA

#12-15 (arriving)—This the Eclipse Center? \

#2—Yeah, and I'm the eclipse. Here, test some of this.

#12—Tastes like freezing fog.

#13—No, more like nurse stains.

#14—May I add "a leaky flashlite battery?"

#15—I thought this was supposed to be scientific.

#1—OK, we'll make it scientific. Turn on the TV.

BOY HOWDYI

Tester #TV—I'm Herb Perlman apd this is the five o'clock report.

#8—I wonder who he'll be at six?

#5—That'd be their token woman, Pearl Herbman.

#1 —Just shaddup and try this.

#12—Boy Howdy! Beerlldidn't know th|s really existed!

#1—Yup, sure does. Howya like it? #12—It tastes like... it tastes like the TVI STAG

it 16 (arriving)—What's this, did somebody order out from the morgue? #7—Cram off and drink this, it'll make ya wanna kill yer room.

#16—Yowl Stag! I love it! Last time I drank this I got so rowdy I pissed on my parents' anniversary portrait.

#4—Yeah, I smashed all my Firefall records.

#11—That's nuttin'—I played the Ramones albu m twenty-five times in a row!

#1 (dropping puke-slick pen)—

Good idea, put on the stereo. Only, where' is it?

#5—Weputitin thecloset, where else?

LONE STAR

#12—Hey, where'd you get this here stuff?

#1—Well, podnuh, I found itneara horse skulL

#12—If I drink this, will I turn into Z.Z.Top?

#1—Justtry it, cowhead.

#12-—Gulp gulp* spit. UGHI Isthis why everybody in Texas is so stupid?

#9—Yeah, the only question is: did the cowboy or the horse piss in it? STROH'S

#17-24 (arriving)—You guys settin' up a nesting sight for whooping cranes in here or what? •

#5—Not'til I pour this on yer tricky neck.

#1 —'Now don't start that shit again. C'mon this is Harry Cary's beerl Jimmy

Pietsall too!

#18—Nothin' like funattheold ball park.

#2—Drink it, you rriorons, it's qreat stuff!

#4—He's right, this is great! Let's turn up the stereo!

#3 (turns on the light and sees again)—"Bad bad brain . .. bad bad brain.. ."

OLD STYLE

#22—Oh yuk, this brew is so daring! Rehninds me of a pedestrian crossing I once— *

(heckling erupts, more scuffles, sounds of things fallingapart)

#1—This is really getting outta hand. I'm so dumb I just spelled "drugs" wrong.

#5—Two "r's" I think.

#T4—You guys are nuts, we better turn up the stereo arid drown out the odor.

SCHLITZ

#7—Awright, more good stuff.

#14—Oh yeah, at least better than those deerburgers we ate.'

#1 —Hey stupid! Puke in the laundry basket like yer sposed ta.

#5—Yep, definitely need More Volume (cranks stereo to infinity).

FALSTAFF

#21 (sings)—"I wanna be sedated

Tester #Police (arriving)—OK you

guys! Turn down thatfuckjng stereo or

the experiment's over I

#ALL—OH NO! It's the Science Police!

LOWENBRAU

#32 (arriving)—Uh, isthisa houseora smell?

#1—OK, creeps, now you're gonna get a treat. ^

#18—You' re gonna blindfold your brain?

#1—Nope, check out these.

#6—Lowenbrau! Now this is more like it!

#4—This is great shit—howcumyou been holdin' out on us.

# 1 —To get ya settled down for—

(fa nfa re eru pts u ni ntentiona lly from #14 and splatters all over)

PABST LIGHT

#2—I know, I know—Fat Albert Nerf Basketball!

#18—Fat what? Nerf... nerf... nerf

#1 —C'mon you ratjags, we'll choose upsidds.

(Those that can still stand tear into an intense game, the referee is taken outside and tied to the tracks, fans hurl bottles of Pabst Light that no one would drink anyway, the cheerleaders make a furtive escape, numerous nerf dunks occur, several players soon need . .. uh, "timeouts.'*Final score6-2.)

#6—Uh, looks like we losta tew athletes.

#21 —A few? You couldn't swing a dead catin here without hitting a passed-out scientist.

photos by Thomos Weschler

COLT 45

Tester #protop!asm—Hey gimme one of those Colts... mmm (returns to jelly).

#5—Oh yeah, great stuff—across , between dragging a river and licking an iron lung.

# 1 —They should change the name to Qualms.

GRAINBELT

#2—Lookeewhatl got... heehee hee.

#11 —Oh no, not Grainbelt, I'm gettin outta here.

)((1—Oh no yd don't (overturns sofa on intended victim).

#11 —Please no. .. they drain that stuff from heifers.

#5—The Beer That Moos!

ANDEKER

#38 (arriving)—What's this, the new Tri-State seed selection?

#1 —At last! It's Tester Kaneva!!

#38—Listen, chump. Man has yet to devise a substance that can resist baby teeth OR my stomach (spills Andeker).

APPLE MALT DUCK

#1—OK, wise guy, I been saving this

one just for you.

#Kaneval—Now wait a minute! You can clean Datsuns with that stuff I Kids drink it in school and turn into erasersf You assault raccoons!

#2—C'mon, it'll teach you the true meaning of Mentally Unprepared. #Kaneval (takessip)—Gaaawwwd ... uuuu .. JCK!

#3 (suddenly awakening in a pool of dying Nerf cells)—Did you knowthe Iksof Eastern Africa are a hill tribe that amuses itself by snatching food from the mouths of starving chi Idren and ridiculing the elderly?

#5—Call 'em up and ask 'em over.

#1—Whatdoyou mean, we're . already here.

(The Apple Malt buck finishes off the handful of survivors and they slump about in various reposes of never-made-it-to-the-bathroom.)

#46 (arriving)—Hey! Is this where the party is?