A CREEM GUIDE TO JUNK FOOD

ROT YOUR TEETH NOT YOUR MIND

by

Rick Johnson

Life is just a big restaurant of cruelty, and every day they change the menu. One never knows what to expect from the crumbs of life, and that goes double with the stuff we so love to pack our greasy faces with. Theonly sure thing is that if you like it, it's bound to be bad for you.

The question is, is junk food really all that bad? Shit yeah, why do you. think they call it dope? The only reql identifying characteristic all these goodies have is their promise of Nutritional Doom: If the grease and sugar don't get you, the preservatives will.

But there are worse things in life than mere doom and there are definitely two sides to the issue. Let's take a look at the plus and minuses of junk food:

DISADVANTAGES

1. Teeth like Keith Richards

2. Udder-chin

3. Diabetes

4. "Empty-Calories''

5. Invisible plaque

ADVANTAGES

1. Ladies like Anita Pallenberg

2. A. more complete understanding of the cow mind

3. Shoot up whenever you want

4. Ideal for empty minds

5. Better than visible plaque

The Dog Ate It

Junk food is like everything else: the only way to find anything out is to eat it. Eat it raw. All of it, fast, under sedation if possible.

You may or may not already be familiar with some of this lovely crap-eat. Due to the bizarre marketing procedures followed by the major food fascists, in which the eighteen residents of Porkyville or Togotown decide what the re^t of the country will swallow, products appear in different areas at different times. Also, I was curious (bloato) djbout some of the more baroque Taste Sensations unknown to my buds, and figured this wps as good an excuse as any to give 'em a try. My digestive tract begs to differ.

The one thing the scientific eater must be forewarned about is: don't try all of these at once like the foolish author.1 As I recline hereon my.little platform, the bottom half of my body replaced by a tube leading to a sewer, there's only one thing I can say: IT WAS WORTH IT!

Biohazard: Eat At Own Risk

PIZZARIA:: Typical of the timehonored Blender Approach are these profane crackers that are supposed to duplicate the flavor of pizza. While Too-Much-AII-At-Once is a proven junk food ideal, you can only take it so far. At this rate, we'll soon be seeing Three Course Meal Chips, Entire Cow Mix and New Car Smell Twirls. DIXIES:: Right after Nabisco released these adorable drumstick shaped crackers, there was a reported epidemic of legless pigeons in Atlanta. If they come out with something called Wingies,, I'm leaving the country. POPT SN AX:: Voted the Most Devo Food of the year, these x-ray flavored bits are supposed to be a sort of artificial popcdrn. While the makers brag "no nasty hulls," I say "insult to injury." Bring some along to your next artificial movie.

STARBURST:: These are the fruit chews that squirt berry slime down .your throat when you bite 'epi. A woman friend of mine told me to try chomping down a pack of these before I ever asked her to do "that" again. Now I understand.

CORN KORKERS:: Recommended only if you have some leaky corn.

CASA PUERTO PORK RINDS:: Declared a cruel and unusual snack food in seventeen states, these taco-flavored stips of I'm-afraid-to-guess are at best a firing squad, for the taste buds. Blindfolds, please.

HOSTESS KRUNCH BAR:: Big chocolate wafers in a cute plastic wrapper that strongly resemble the straw in a bear wallow.

DISCO’S:: Blaring from theishelves like some unspeakable Japanese junk food, these dancefloor^flavored chips do not have a good beat. You can boogie to them, buff prefer reliable Mexican bottled water for that particular step. *

FREEZER PLEEZER MINT ICE CREAM SANDWICH:: Show yer pink! A new low for the food coloring industry* the first pink ice cream sandwich looks like a particularly bad reproduction from Hustler. So sissylooking you want to challenge them to a duel.

CRUNCH BERRIES:: This dry imitation berry cereal is totally dispensable except for the free Balloon Door Alarm inside. If a balloon gets anywhere near your door, ygu'll know.

LITTLE DEBBIE "ZEBRA CAKES":: Little Debbie,'a Shirley Temple-styled snout-with-eyes whose picture apjaearson all her fearful products, is the Bad Seed of junk food. Her only appeal is to those poor unfortunates who can't afford Hostess.TF|ese mongoloidgakethings use the type of grade-Z chocolate that tastes like essence of paneling and a truly pornographic filling. Here's my vote for childhood diseases.

COOKIE CRISP:: Better you should feed your kid a snowmobile than such a ridiculously sweet cereaj. Give 'em this and next they'll want Birthday Cake cereal. i

LIGHT DAYPANTY LINERS::These dainty wafers are so thin, you could stick them on your face for a razor cut. Awfully weird flavor though; I can't ■quite put a finger on it.

SHIVER:: A totally flat chocolate mix you add to ice water, the only shiver you'll get from this is a shiver of recognition when you see something floating in a canal.

PENGUIN FARM CHOCOLATE CHEESE:: Once a dormitory specialty! at various PCB-infected schools. in Michigan, this crud is now becoming availqble to non-captive consumers as well. With the consistency ofthe N bottom of a compost heap, it should only be served on strawberry hamburgers.

A CREEM GUIDE TO JUNK FOOD

SKINNY MUNCHIES:: Diet-minded l fools.might like these1 crouton-flavored crunchies thaf contain only fifty-nihe calories a bag. Only thing is, the bag itself counts for fifty of the calories.

Edible But Forgettable

SWISS WEDGIES:: With a vague taste ranking right up there with Prevailing Winds, it was necessary to hire a psychic to find out the true flavor of these sporty triangles. Although she solved a handful 6f murders and predicted two assassinations, the best she could do on these was ''fragments of JFK's skull." , .. f$

FIDDLE FADDLE:: "Clusters of popcorn with peanuts in a delightful glaze." Well, it's cheaper than a Funkadelic concert.

MUNCHY MbNSTER CRUNCH:: Ugly witches, scary goblins, mean devils'and lifelike Debby Boones are included in these animal crackers sprayed with Lemon Pledge. Not bad if you can think of your teeth as tiny end tables. , ,

COSMIC CANDY:: AKA Space Dust . Pop Rocks, et al., this is the stuff that shimmies and shakes wherrdumped on the tongue. Real nutritions too—the first three ingredients are just different names for sugat, which is like brushing your teeth with bacteria paste. Great fun though—three licks and you'fe guaranteed to see Foghat.

MRS. GOODCOOKIE:: One look at the sugar content of these and your pancreas will hop a freight. So fool your body. Put carrot or celery masks on 'em.

BLAMMO SOFT 'N SUGAR-FREE GUM:: Speaking of artificial sweeteners, further studies at the Guy Lafleur Medical Center in Montreal have established that saccharin is harmful only Jo pedple with rat bladders. All of the;Stones and Elvis Costello swore off Tab on the spot.

PRINGLES:: When they first came out, Pringles were unfairly discriminated against as the most artificial food ever invented, so now they have a big sign on the can that says MADE FROM REAL, POTATOES); YOU ASSHOLES. Whaf theyvdon't mention is thaf tl^ese potatoes are imported from Saturn. Now available in three styles: Hearty (in the denim-look can, good for patching jeans). Light (same calories, but they float) and Ripple. Fake ripples' wHat next?

APPLE JACKS:: Only if you have a flat apple.

CRAZY COW:: If you can believe the stupid cow with the porkpie hat on the bbx,you can believe a cereal that "makes its own chocolate milk." But can it balance a checking account?

GO AHEAD BAR:: A tasty glob of peanut butter, nuts and chocolate, that's supposedly "packed with nutrition:" Right, and so are window frames.

RAID ROACH HOTELS:: These' tangy little cakes are obviously designed for the doper market. You have to admit that a hotel for "roaches" is a, pretty funny jdea, but watch it with these. Drop bne on the floor and it attracts all kinds of bugs.

True Taste Treats

LIFE SAVER LOLLIPOPS:: Definitely an idea whose time has come and also useful for rescuing drowning flies. "Here little fella,'grab a hold of this! Uh-oh, got your little wings stuck. Damn, nbw I'll have to lick/em off!" TOFFIEAY:: A truly excellent new candy with caramel, nougat and a hazel nut'that's sweeter than Shirley Booth!s pecan. More fun than torturing Billy Buntrock.

CHIPPERS:: A yumipy potato and chfeese combo from Nabisco that actually .succeeds in making psuedotaters taste like something other than bed worms.

PECAN SANDIES:: it's hard not to hate Keebler products, what with those hamster-faced elves s/ticking God-knows-what into their cookies. Sandies are ju^t too crisp and tasty to hate" though, unless you had bad experiences with your grandmother.

OREO DOUBLE STUF:: Tampering with a classic is dangerous business, butthese are dee-iicious without being too drastic. The only drawback is their ' tendency to crumble when pulled apart to get at the martow or when questioned by police. I recommend sucking the whole goddamn thing. They mfelt great and it sounds just like fish sex.

NATURAL PLASTIC WOOD:: A novel cellulose fibre filler that looks a lot like donkey wax, Plastic Wood adds a mischievous tang to your favorite cracker. Eattpo many though, and you Start to get this funny dizzy feeling. Maybe I shouldn't have finished the whole bucket. Wait a minute, whqt's this1 on the.label—"extremely flammable. Harmful or fatal if swallowed." Oh, they all say that.