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Please send letters to:

(UAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O.' Box P^ip64 . Birmingham, Ml 48012

LETTER WRITING SECRETS REVEALED! Im sure by now youve all read my clever letter in the April issue of CREEM. Youre probably wondering "how can I get my nonsense printed in the big time rock mag?" Its easy! First, come up with either a completely opinionated viewpoint on a hot act; or make up a ridiculous load of defecation. Be sure to sprinkle your letter with lots of big names (Kiss, Elton, Lou Reed, .etc.). And always mention an editor or two. If you want a re-, ply, "Lester Bangs" is a must because he cant pass up a chance to make a fool out of you or nimself. Its the sound of one hand clapping.

Those of you who intend to write should come up with a pseudonym so the kids in your neighborhood dont harass you. It also helps to close with something more catchy than "Stranded in Amazona" or "Zep Rules."

Of course, the most sure-fire way to get any letter printed i? to end with "I dare you to print this." Another good approach is to threaten to cancel your subscription. It doesnt matter whether you have one or not because they never check anyway.

I dare you to print this.

Soon to be a major motion picture,

Ernie as Stately Wayne Manor Darling of the Philadelphia Underground P.S. Lester, the reason there arent any Puerto Rican astronauts (or most ojher minorities, for that matter) is because they dont burn as \yell as WASPs. Send me a Boy Howdy shirt.

(Geez, is our cover blown. Somebody finally figured it out. The secret that lasted seven yeqrs! Okay, well just have to make up a whole new set of letter publishing rules. Here they are: 1. Each letter must mention Idi Amin at least twice,

2. Only letters concerned with the topics "Rule Variations for Pong, " "Typography," and "Who is Mick Rock, really?" will be considered and

3. They must make sense. — Ed.)

IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT UKECHRISTGAU

Im tired of these bullshit letters that always show up in your mag. I know that Robbie and Georgia ' Christgau writes em all when theyre locked in a rubber room on Saturday night. Besides, who does that peabrain think he is with his unbelieveably pretentious (a word which seems to be a particular favorite with your staff) record reviews. Cheers,

Uncle Lijah Syracuse University

•{The reason that yes, we do love the word "pretentious" is that it makes a highly symbolic anagram, UPTEEN RIOTS, which if you read above the lines, is the secret editorial philosophy of this very magazine.—Ed.)

WINNING THROUGH INTIMIDATION There appears to be a visual incongruity due to an inconsistent use of form with the pancake. The designs on three meet in actual space closing the masses around the eye, whereas one wears an "equal" sign on each cheek with the area around the eyes rounded to meet in points much less prominent than the three who remain uniform in concept.

Don Decker, II Xalpw!

(Yeah, right, we think its sad the Allman Brothers broke up too. —Ed.)

VERISIMILITUDE TO YOU TOO, BUB I wrote you a letter on the story/ of Elton John. Please dont print it. If you do, only use my initials. /

Thank you,

Linda Rogolino Kresak, Fla.

(No problem. But what about your dissertation on "The Metaphysics of Cross Germination Between The Lovin Spoonful and Southside Johnny"? Are we not supposed to credit you on that, too?—Ed.)

's IGGY IS NOT DANDY Im a bit pissed off because you constantly neglect the greatest performer/vocalist to ever grab a mike. This man is the founder of Raunch. Of course,by now you realize 1 mean Iggy Pop. Black Oak Arkansas lays this bullshit about being the finest raunch band on earth. Well, I think someone should send those assholes Raw Power. Someone should also tell J im Dandy to take his balls out of his mouth so you can understand what hes regurgitating into the mike (that is, if you actually want to). There are lots of imposters but there is only one Iggy. Please get off your dead ass and write something about "King Stooge."

Peter Criss Port Huron, Mich.

Ebony Rye

P.S. Wheres James Williamson?

(The last we heard, Williamson was working with Zal Yanovsky in a band called Rouge “n Rheostats in Toronto. Sounds like hes still available, if the price is right, for some Kiss session work. Our adOice: ask Ezrin. Peter. —Ed.)

KUDOS & KOPULATING Kudos on Lester Bangs Paul McCartney piece.

By the way, have you guys caught on yet to the copulating beetles on the back cover of Ram? Teeth,

Steve Feld Manhattan

(Sure we have. Where doyou.think the Bay City Rollers came from?—Ed.)

JOHN IS JUST A FOUR-LETTER WORD I have no special love for Elton J ohn. I do, however, love his music. Your reviews dont do justice! Elton John is like toilet paper, used by many, saved by few. When he kicks thej>ucket, he should be stuffed & put in the Smithsonian, NOT run through a VEGAMATIC. Mix him with p the rest of the "Jollv) Green Giant" frozen french fries and you wont know the difference, huh? Do you really think people forget everything they eat?

Yeah, Elton whats-his-butt is gettin old. (Someday only them sic FM stations will play rock “n roll.) Then the "Foggies take over the World" headlines will go down in history like de Japs dukin on Pearl.Harbor. Elton dont have the same "de-humidifier." First yew made de man a "star," a "teen idol." Then you cut him down. Well. Does he deserve it cos hes rich? The man is going downhill, off the charts, into the heap, joining decomposing ex-stars like Elvis and ^"Frankie" (!!!) and yer puttin de grease on his feet! j

So Elton is almost 30. By "White Cloud," hes croakin'!! Save your vinegar for Mick dagger, but give your vintage to Mister J ohn. AT LEAST HE CAN SING!!

Ima Twit *

The Heart of the Heap,

Grub Street

(You may have a point, judging by your letter. Eltons singing ability motivated you to discuss the following topics: toilet paper, the Smithsonian Institute. Vegamatics, Foggies [whatever they are]. Pearl Harbor, de-humidifiers, Elvis Presley, Frank Sinatra, and vinegar— all in one letter. We thinks you doeth listened to "Rocket Man" oneth tipje tooeth often. —Ed.)

LAFF RIOT OVER THE RAINBOW I have to admit that I never thought Id bewriting you, especially after I read that letter from the president of WLTSOG. That was the biggest laugh Ive ever gotten out of your magazine. Then I read last months issue. And there was a review of Blackmores album Rainbow Rising, by Lester Bangs.

Lester let his readers know that he didnt like Ritchie Blackmore. What he didnt let thfem know was what the album was like (he probably never listened to it). Not one track was commented on.

The point is that if your critic spent more time writing about the musicians music and less time on his clothes, the public would know whether or not to buy the album.

Todd Schmidt North Mankato, Mn. v (You should, as a matter of course, of personal principle, of high moral standards, of your undying love for the sound, taste, feel and smell of vinyl products in general; buy every album that comes out. It is your duty. This is your commandment. You will obey. —Ed.)

JEFF BECK IS JUST THE SWELLEST GUY!

As an avid Jeff Beck freak I must say the Jeff Beck article, written by Billy Altman was beyond superb! The article displayed the other, nicer side of, as he so aptly put it, an egomaniac representation of the man. This was the first article that did not exploit that ugly, egomaniac image thats been Jeff Becks labels It was a most refreshing change!

Th^nk you,

Ellen Berkson Miami, Fla.

(Je^ff Beck is just a calm, casual guy who probably deeply regrets his decision not to join the Cowsills in 1968. Stories about tennis shoes, rubber utensilsand kitchen cooking tongs are just figments of freeloading writer's imaginations. Remember, you read it here first. — Ed.)

NO STONES UNTURNED In the June issue of CREEM, you said that Ian Stewart was the sixth Rolling Stone. Whos thfe fifth—-MickTaylor, Ron Wood, or Brian J ones??

( Billy Preston? Nicky Hopkins?

Sincerely,

Mary J ane Roach Klipp

Too Rolling Stoned in Springfield,

New Jersey (Lisa Robinson.—Ed.)

GOT DEATH, IF YOU WANT IT Concerning Rick Johnsons review of Robin Trower-Live, he wrote an article about Robin Trower that was totally fallacious and without any understanding whatsoever. He said that Trower is a copy of J imi Hendrix, a carbon copy. Actually it was an impression he gave by saying that "even Mahogany Rush could hardly put up with it." Anybody with a true appreciation of "HendrixTrower" type of music can see that—as another article in the issue concerned states—the style is Hendrix, even the guitar is the one he used, but beyond any shadow of a doubt, the content is all Robin Trower!!!

Robin Trower did one hell of a job"adapting Hendrixs style to his own music. He should be well congratulated and appreciated, not ridiculed. One more thing: Robin Trower is probably the best guitarist around today, and there are a lot of great guitarists around. I need not even name them.

Thank you,

Steve Dillon Mike Stinson Sky King, Colo.

(All this talk about Trower vs. Hendrix vs. Mahogany Rush has gone entirely too far. Who the hell cares anymore? Who even remembers Hendrix? The really important topic is whether someone, maybe even you, is going to have a blinding flash of inspiration one night and youll suddenly realize that youve suddenly become ... Paul kossoff.—Ed.)

SPEAK NO ENO, HEAR NOENO,

SEE NO ENO

J ames Wolcott is a great comedy writer. To suggest that Eno is a genius, let alone an artist, is hilarious/

Eno is to 'music what Andy WaVhol is to painting, and his albums are his soup cans. Everyone knows the only reason Bryan Ferry let him in Roxy was to make their inside album jackets look funny.

The only thing Eno has done since leaving Roxy is to take credit for the ACNE (Ayers, Cale, Nico, Eno) concert while Ayers, Oldfield, Cale and Bundrick did all the work. I guess "Babys On Fire," (studio version) was OK, but only because of Fripps guitar so it doesnt go to Enos credit.

Eno should join the Portsmouth Sinfonia full time. At least there are more musicians of his caliber.

Somewhat Yours,

Michael Hewitt Pittsburgh, Ca.

(Well, at least someone finally took credit for acne. — Ed.)

FINALLY—PATTI BACKLASH Congratulations on three damn fine pieces (Dylan, Hendrix, Bowie) in last ish. Anyway, 1 know this is demanding but how bout breaking out the BIG GEJNS and going after the "critics phony," Patti Smith. I mean this "tough chick" shit is really laughable since she has the latent power of Saltines. Plus her band blows. At least' retract your statement about her becoming a hero to young girls cause first of all she looks like shit and second no one cares about whatever the hell shes singing. Anyone who dreams about horses while being porked deserves it. So get on the stick and be: my hero again. Thanx.1 Gene McCaffrey New York, N.Y.

(Maybe you should go back to the beginning. May we recommend: any book of poetry by Mr. A. Rimbaud, the first three Doors albums, ' specifically a song called "Horse Latitudes" and perhaps, after youve finished the first two, any newspaper clipping about the death of Johnny Ace.—Ed.) -

THIS LETTER DOES NOT MENTION IDI AMIN TWICE

Concerning Ed Wards "Elton Schaung: Computer Readout?" I suppose its fashionable to be hypercritical of Elton theSe days, especially since just a year ago it was very chic to praise him. I just wish Mr. Ward had the intelligenceto realize that.

Which brings me to another point: What is a 27-year-old doing writing about rock anyway? ' Mourning over the departed Sixties, thats what. I wish the rock critical establishment would make rock, into high art (just to justify their own existence as critics) and just let rock “n roll be, cause it was doing fine before they came along. When Ed Ward says, "I know the younger generation has no taste," he is merely calling his own taste into question. Rock music is the music of the people, not regulated by the tastes of a critical elite, and when it ceases to be peoples music it will cease to be.

Elton is our Beatles, Zeppelin is our Stones, ELP is our Cream, Bowie is our Dylan, and Patti Smith is our Joni Mitchell and if Ed Ward doesnt like it, perhaps he should stop listening to the radio, instead of advising his readers to do so. Thanks for listening,

Adam Beck Bronxville, N.Y.

(Ed Ward an old man? Come on —all those performers that you mention as being yours are all older than Ed, so how can you use age as a criterion? What makes you think that just because he doesnt like Elton John, that hes ready /tor the old age home? We didnt suggest that you were ready for an old age home just because the Ramones werent mentioned in your letter, did we?-Ed.)

NEITHER DOE^ THIS ONE P.S. Its not that I dontgivea shit whaf aTVC15 is; its, that, whatever it is, I know its out of my price range.

Sincerely,

Joyce Hemmenay Shoehorn, S.D.

(If you have to askwere sure you cant afford it.-Ed.)

AFTER THAT HELL START DOING THE LIMBO ON STAGE Now 1 get the idea behind J aggers lips. But after listening to the new Stones album, I want to know when he gets his flat nose and his funky sho-nuff Afro.

Waiting for the Man, the Rocker Pullman

(Sooner than you think. After all; he didnt go to thi London School of Economics for nothing. -Ed.)

GROW UP KEITH!

I would like to know what the hell gives Keith Moon the right to think he can break anything and everything anywhere and anyway he wants? He is totally disgusting. Every single picture I see of him and just about every article I rea(d about him. he has a disgustingTnouth and mind!.

A very upset person in New J ersey Moonie Leather,

Moonie Loather v

(You see, the reason that Keith acts the way he does is that he is a member of the Fraternal Order of Anarchist Rock Musicians (FO ARM) and he is merely acting in accord with the bylaws of this group. Ofher members include John Bonham, Keith Richard, and Spike Jones. Now you know. -Ed,)

TRUE ENLIGHTENMENT "Chickenhead Comes Home to Roost" was a masterpiece! Has anyone thought to preserve Lesters reviews in a time capsule for the enlightenment of generations to come? Really—I seldom agree one hundred percent with anything you write, BUT—even when I think you couldnt be more wrong—I love the way y?u write! Its often egotistically warped, but at least it seems honest. You say what youve got to say, (a rare gift it must be; so few writers say anything at all), and you dont soften your views any to cater to or win over popular opinion.

So nice to see a few egos still healthy and intact. Too many schmucks out there trying to lose theirs in the cosmic bellybutton of life of whatever.

Gpd Save the CREEM,

Bobbie

Xanadu, Ala.

{We offer our sincerest condolences. Hope you get well soon. —Ed.)

HE WASNT FOOLED AGAIN You may fool all of those other snotty-nosed kids but you cant fool me. That picture of Lou Reed in Peter Laughners review of Coney Island Baby was not Lou but was in fact, a picture of a young J erry Lewis. It is one of the many unforgettable scenes from the 1956 blockbuster film Pardners co-starring a then sober Dean Martin and Agnes (Bewitched) Moorehead, who passed on to better things. In that particular still, on page 63 of the March issue, Jerry utters the classic line, "Wheres da horsies?"

Kill Your Sons

Keith Shockley

Morristown, Tenn.

(They all went over to Patti Smith's^farm.—Ed.)

DESCARTES REVENGE I am: ' v

1) 15.'

2) High constantly.

3) Saving my virginity for Keith Moon or Peter Townshend (whoever comes first).

4) An Elton John freak.

4a) Prone to repeating myself.

5) A very lousy printer.

6) Cute, sexy, lovable, and a horny bastard.

7) Modest.

8) A girl. (1 think.) (No. Im sure.)

91 (?)

10) Shy (1 think).

And to think I was one who thought pot was somethin ya cooked in until I read CREEM. Thanks. I havent found myself yet but who the hell cares anymore!

Love,

Diana P.

Ostin. Mo.

(You sound like the perfect candidate for the Kiss Army. A recruiting representative will be contacting you shortly. —Ed.)

THIS GUY KNOWS THE SCORE,

AND BIRMINGHAM TOO

The actual purpose of this letter is to say please stop with the tongue-in-cheek reviews of the rock (and not-so-rock) avant-garde. The works of big names like Lou Reed (or fairly big names like" Eno—which at three letters is actually a rather small narpe, huh?) can be mocked or marveled at, with no real harm done eifherway . But when you start taking superficial snot-shots at records which, if listened to more than once without a lot of limiting notions about what "music" is or isnt, might be a great deal more rewarding in the long run thart a lot of the ephemeral doggy-doo that -gets raved about even in the pages of this more-intelligent-than-most mag, then you are taking enjoyment away from the people who might have taken a chance: on something new on your recommendation rather than resigning themselves to whatever vacuous vinyl is currently making use of the sales-equals-quality culturewarp these days. And you are also lowering your credibility, which is already an all too rare item in this time of inflatable heroes.

TURN TO PAGE 80

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 12

A recent case in point (although I notice you continue to receive hate-mail with regard to your cerebellumnumbing review of Magma Live) was your this-record-is-so-weird-I-couldnt-even-listen-to-it-all-haw-haw review of Tony. Conrads Outside the Dream Syndicate album. Now, c'mon guys. I lived in Birmingham, Mith. for three years so I know how hard it gets to concentrate after a while—I mean, at least you guys are in town, where all the action is; / lived way out on West Maple Road, where the only thing to do for excitement was steal the practice balls from the Oakland Hills Golf Course and sell them to buy airplane glue—but Dream Syndicate possesses a large quantity of a nearly forgotten element known as (get out the dictionary) subtlety. This is not a record that can be fairly evaluated after only not quite one listening, and that probably while underlining the naughty parts in the writings of Ayn Rand. Its people like you who cause Frank Zappa to get gold records only when he no longer deserves them. .

Your Sacred Cowboy Fauver, Ohio

(Really? Youve lived in Birmingham? Whatd you think of Pasquale's?—Ed.)

THE NEXT PAUL WILLIAMS Im startin a fanzine-amateur-Rock-literate-need reviews and articles-about intelligent groups-by intelligent writers-send your stuff (with return postage, and envelope) to:

Break On Through Magazine 5134 Richardson Dr.

Fairfax, Va. 22030 Thanks,

Norm

(Let us know when you get through to the other side. —Ed!)

SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE DEFINED I'm begging you to please print my letter. It concerns the once cool southern group Black Oak Arkansas who is now just as redneck as Lynyrd Skynyrd. If youve been reading that.shit about Black Oak suing ex-lead guitarist Harvey Jett, you would know what I mean.

J ust because Harvey J ett had an experience with the Lord in 73, and hands out pamphlets explaining his past experience with the group f Black Oak thinks they can sue his ass for all the money in the world. If they would worry about themselves instead of other people, everything would be cool.

Rock music is one thing—religion is another. Lets keep it that way. vs Krispy Skarbust Little Rock, Ark.

P.S. Do Lqu Reed and Iggy Pop ever plan to do an album together? Just asking!

(Iggy would sure like to be your dog, thats for sure. —Ed.) 4

who, when he finds it, runs around holding it open screaming, "What does tHgt mean?" Some of your articles are so stupid they make no sense at all. I wouldnt be surprised if next month you run a ten page article with various close-up pictures of Kate Smith nude trying to do a cartwheel. YourS truly Adelphi

(If you want jarticles which make sense, take a look at your local newsstand for either Commonweal or Business Week. As for your little brother, you should make sure that he is supplied with wholesome reading material. Perhaps Franny and Zooey or North Dallas Forty would do the trick* And as far as your editorial suggestions go, if you had only suggested Fred "Sonic" Smith, we might have offered you a job.—Ed.)