THE BEAT GOES ON

THE BEAT GOES ON

Paul & Linda Spawn Squidlets

PARIS—Ever wonder what kinds of parents your favorite rock stars are? What are Grace Slick's views on toilet training? Dylan's stand on Dr. Spock? Well, the French have always been very concerned with the rearing of children, and when Paul McCartney and Wings checked into the elegant George V Hotel in Paris to rehearse for their late spring U.S. tour, Paul and Linda's parenting techniques were not overlooked. Apparently the McCartney parents had informed the hotel in writing: "Please leave our children alone. We are trying to raise them in total freedom." It only took 24 hours for the three McCartney girls — Heather, 14, Mary, 6 and Stella, 4 — to completely redecorate their posh suites with felt pens. According to Paris Match, the predominant tones were yellow and violet, although Heather showed a distinct preference for blue. True to the George V's patrician policy of abiding by their celebrity patrons' often bizarre requests, nothing was said, although the crew of painters and wallpaperers who were dispatched to do a clean-up job when the Macs split probably had a Gallic word or two about the proper upbringing of les enfants.

Confronted with her girls' mischief, Linda said: "At the farm in Scotland or the house in London or on tour, they make their own rules. Except at bedtime, when a stern word from their father is enough to send them running for help to their nurse."

As liberated as they are, apparently the McCartneys aren't without their own caprices. Wings drummer Joe English reported that two hours before they were set to depart from Paris, Linda an: nounced that she intended to do some heavy shopping. Since she didn't have any money, she borrowed.5,000 francs (approximately $800) from the hotel. The next day, she revealed her purchases: eleven pairs of sunglasses.

By now they're a familiar sight in American hotels, these "little girls with smiles like angels," wearing dark glasses with felt tip pens in hand. They'll be coming to your town next.

Susan Whitall

RATED

THE GIZMOS - THE NEXT DICTATORS?

BLOOMIN GTON, IND. — A band that spends the entire afternoon before their first recording session running around town ripping down hippie posters can't be all bad.

But can they be bad? The Gizmos think so, even though "a couple of the guys are poodles," according to founding guitarist Ken Highland,. who not qnly has the most offensive telephone personality in the area, but has also enlisted in the U.S. Marines. According to the crew-cut Ken, all their songs — "Muffdivin'," "Chicken Queen," "Pumpin' The Playboy," and of course, "That's Cool, I Respect You More" are about dirty sex;

"But then I decided we needed one about violence, so I invented the S chord and wrote 'We're Gonna Rumble.' It sounds like 'Sweet Jane,' only played wrong."

Future plans include an LP on their own Gulcher Records (Box 635, Bloomington, Ind. 47401) and monster jams at Ken's future base, "Camp Penis, Alabama. Ha ha — just kiddin' ya! But don't call nobody a dink or a pud, I call em a penis. "

The men don't know, but th3 little girls understand.

Rick Johnson

This Is Not The Ike & Tina Turner Revue

Prominent Sixties gag-man, George Harrison, second from left in pic, is out and about again. This time, George is lending his wacked-out sense of humor to fellow Englishers, Monty Python's*Flying Circus. Harrison is best remembered for his subtle mocking imitations of Carl Perkins, his satirical parodies qf mystical neareasterners; Ravi Shankar and Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, and of course his most famous "black humor" routine, poking fun. of the emaciated children of Bangla Desh.

****** SPECIAL THIS YEAR

Blazing Coffins

CHICAGO—After December 31,, the Bicentennial will officially be over with and Shell Oil will no longer be broadcasting its Bicentennial * Minutes on the tube every night. But now, thanks to an Indiana manufacturing company, you can continue celebrating the nation's 200th anniversary even after you're dead.

Last August the Jacwill Company of Knightstown, Indiana introduced a new line of caskets in honor of the Bi. Known as the "Spirit of '76", the coffins have red tops, blue-and-white sides and two American flags attached inside.

DEEP NOSTRIL!

Australia's hottest rock group. Skyhooks, have developed a revolutionary technique for performing delicate root canal operations. When pressure is applied to boogies, nose cartilage and temporal lobes, the troublesome teeth are forced out FROM THE INSIDE. The special microphone tool provides accurate audio recordings of the operation for posterity. Note tooth and blood .scum recepticle In foreground and recuperating patient in rear.

A spokesman for the company said the item has become very popular and that more than 400 have been sold in the last eight months. So far, they've mostly been used for funerals of soldiers, veterans and Daughters of the American Revolution. Some people have been ordering the coffins in advance', but Jacwill says the coffin will remain available for years to come because of its popularity.

Some funeral parlors aren't selling them — or won't admit it. One Chicago area funeral director said he thought it was a joke, "But people will buy just about anything Bicentennial these days."

David Dee

New Stand On Busing

OAKLAND, CA - When you leave the driving to that amorphous Us, watch where you sit.

Take the case of Eula Wright, who was using the tiny bus crapper when the vehicle swerved suddenly and threw her against the emergency window.. Naturally, it popped out and her apparently gelatinous hindquarters got stuck in it, much to the delight of a Cub Scout troup at a nearby bus stop.

An unamused Eula sued and was awarded $4,300 and a gigantic Chapstick.

Next time, Eula, hold it.

Rick Johnson

She Could Have Danced All Night

NEW ORLEANS — Nancy Del Corral has found the job that, all of us tube-glued human roots have been waiting for. She's a professional dummy, and for remaining perfectly still while people alternately stare and try to crack her up with old knock-knock jokes she makes $300 for a five-hour day. .

There are a few occupational hazards, however. "It's really a mental and physical drain to be a dummy," she complains. In the course of her 16-year career, ^she has been stuck with pins, had rings stolen and bras unsnapped, and been mistreated in various unmentionable ways by pigeons.

The dummy biz has been so good to Ms. Del Corral that she's starting an all-girls school for prospective slab fans in her home town. Why no men? "Girls make the best dummies," she claims. "I've yet to have a guy who can perform without cracking up."

Apparently she's never seen Gregg Allman.

Rick Johnson

ROCK Gets CREEMe d

BIRMINGHAM. MICH. — Some of you might have dragged a. magazine with a rather familiar-looking cover called Rock home to your cold-water flats thinking it was a "special" from the Boy Howdy folks. Not so! When Boy Howdy saw it he instructed his lawyers to move, and an injunction prohibiting the magazine from distributing. any more of those particular issues was handed down by the judge. When there are CREEM "specials" coming out we'll be letting you know. Meanwhile, let the buyer beware; the CREEM you cop may not be our own. Any further issues of the abovenamed mag,, of course, will bear no resemblance to CREEM...Gee, who said the good guys never win?

F. Lee Boy Howdy

Rock Star Wed In Rib Shack

We know this happened a while ago but couldn't resist printing the pic anyway. Alice Cooper visited Acapulco in March to finalize negotiations over opening a branch of his favorite restaurant, Carlos 'n Charlie's, In Los Angeles. Determined to surprise his girlfriend Sheryl Goddard with a special treat, Alice arrived witlriils intended at the restaurant and was seated at a table piled three feet high with spare ribs. (Ribs being the Coop's fave dish — one he has regularly flown in to L.A.) Alice and Sheryl were then married by Carlos Hill, one of the partners in the Mexican eatery, .using onion rings as wedding bands. After the ceremonies, Alice was overheard saying: "In a real Mexican wedding when you say 'I do,' you must; in a Carlos 'n Charlie wedding, when you say fl do', you don't have to..." Pass the wetnaps, ehrrrupl

FRAMPTON GOES MOTOWN ...MAYBE

DETROIT — No, this is not a gay bar, this is the Motown studio in Detroit — Hitsville to us — and Peter Frampton is just about ready to go Through these doors to record parts of his new A & M album, //it can be done. We marked the occasion by recalling a conversation we had with the cheerful and omnipresent Mr . Frampton a while ago on some of his favorite subjects.

CREEM: Has your classical training made a lot of difference to you as a rock musician?

PF: Yeah, I suppose it did. But I've never used , .it taught me theory, it taught me why, what notes make Up certain chords. I was learning that anyway. I just know when I'm playing a G chord, what it looks like in manuscript as well. But piano... I've been playing piano for quite a while but not seriously because I haven't had one. But I just bought one and I would like to play it properly. I sat down when I got this huge grand piano...and I really thought; I'm not doing it justice. I'm not playing it the way it should be played— the right fingers for the right notes like on a guitar. Whether I'll take lessons or not — I might just get books and teach myself.

CREEM: Do you think a guitar is more easily hacked away at?

PF: Yee-aah. But so's a piano. It's like — they're all the same shapes; the notes are right there, • you don't have to make them. So the piano is every instrument in one. You can play every range of every instrument.

CREEM: Do you think you can describe your style of guitar playing?

PF: It's a combination of everybody I've ever listened to. I'm a melodic player. I listen to everybody. I listen to classical guitarists-.. . Django Rheinhardt is my favorite jazz guitarist. Lowell George. Eric Clapton. Jimi Hendrix. There are so mapy brilliant guitarists, so many. Jimmy Page. There is nothing new. It's all been done before, in a different way. I mean, there are only so many notes.

CREEM: Do you ever get freaked by people rushing you onstage?

PF: It's funny when guys go up on stage. I mean, I've had chicks run at me before, but not guys! I suppose that means you've arrived. It used to be that the girls were at the front, screaming, and the fellows were in the back. That's what it was like with the Herd. Now the guys are up there with the chicks. I think it's because they're more into the music.

The first time that I actually talked through the talkbox — I actually learned how to speak,, and I said 'Do you feel?', and they answered me! That freaked me out! But that just gives you a bit more confidence. I needed that confidence. I don't talk about it much, but I feel I have some control on stage now. I'd like to think that maybe it's just my personality coming across, that I emit warm vibes — I'm not a punk sort of rock 'n' roll guitarist. *

CREEM: You look like you enjoy it, anyway.

PF: Oh, I do! If you can play well and sound great to yourself...

CREEM: You know when, you're having a bad night. Do you think they know?

PF: A, very small percentage. Very very small. Unless I say 'I've broken a -string', or my amp's blown up they don't know.

CREEM: All right, what are you„ going to be doing when you're old like Mick Jagger?

PF: It's a cliche, but I'd like to act. Not comparing myself to Pete Townshend —I could never do that...I mean, he took his Tommy and made a film out of it. Rather than that I'd like to be cast in one of the roles.

So-o-o-o...after you pick up Peter Goes Motown look for the toothy guitarist to take on a part in Jaws II as...you guessed it! Ringo Starr will play the shark expert, and...

Susan Whitall

HOT WHEELS

SAN DIEGO — A guy gets a ,new Firebird for his birthday and he wants to take it straight out and give it a run, right? No big deal, except when you're this particular Californian who set a new national record for wiping out pedestrians in one shot.

Jimmy Alsip floored it straight for the beach road near his home to show the gang his new wheels when he hit a patch of loose gravel, losing control and plowing through four passersby. The car went off a small cliff and landed on its side on the beach, scoring two sunbathers.'Momentum sent itrollirig towards the water — getting three more unlucky folks along the way — and landed upside down in the drink, trapping two swimmers cind one passenger. Final score: Jim 12/ San Diego 0.

Alsip himself came out of it unhurt if a bit damp. Can't you see him coming.home; walking in the door with his head hung low and announcing to his father:

"Gee dad, I had 'a little accident with the new car."

Rick Johnson

Skinny Spade Sought

A Buddy Miles impersonator caused a mini-riot in a Minneapolis night club. Two persons were arrested when police were called in to squelch the vandalism caused by the disappointed crowd when they discovered the substitute Swahili. Seems the tip-off was that the impostor was lacking Big Buddy's 250 pounds of muscle and diamond imbedded front tooth.