MAIL

MAIL

Please send letters to:

MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O. Box P-1064, Birmingham, Ml 48012

MAIL HUSTLER

AH-HA!!!! I have proof you guys print your own letters. Caught ya!

L.B. New Jersey

(May Frank Rizzo squat on your cranium. — Ed.)

ANOTHER TWO-BIT CONSPIRACY THEORY

...if you ask me, Freddy Mercury looks like (and probably is) that faggot in Dog Day Afternoon turned demented rapist in Lipschtick, just another faggot turned glitterock star, who rips off and rapes R.D. Laing/early Gentle Giant word game over dubs, making another trite top-40 song. Oh yeah, did yau know that Queen, Kiss, The Bay City Rollers, and Charles Manson are really the same people, just in different stages of seriousness?

Your reader, Norm DeVallien

(Wrong. Freddy Mercury is in reality Foster Brooks. — Ed.)

JERSEY DEADBEAT GROVELS FOR SYMPATHY

I once had a friend, I don't anymore. It must be fun to have a friend for more than a week. Lester Bangs, would you be my friend?

Sincerely, A lonely person in New Jersey

(Lester: "Sure, if you'll buy the Dictators album. You might also consider getting in touch with Jimmy Carter. ")

KISS: KRAPPED OUT?

Dear Sir,

The new Kiss album is aptly titled Destroyer. There should be a warning on it somewhere.

"I feel uptight on a Saturday night Nine o'clock and the radio's the only light" The new Kiss album is really a fright.

I can't wait until 1 get my Kiss discography, but mostly I want that Kiss Army l.D. card and ironon patch. Fuck! Oh, Alice Cooper, what have you done to my billion dollar babies? Oh, Beth! Tell B. Ezrin to get fucked and climb up a camel's anus and hibernate. Oh, Gene the bean,. Ace disgrace. Move over Dressed to Kill. The next question, of course, is did Kiss really record the album or are they really dead? Was the car accident on "Detroit Rock City" live? Maybe they just-suffered brain damage. "Sweet pain my love will drive you insane," and so will this album. But they do have new suits. Queen and Kiss, a hit and a Mi$$. Even if the burgers don't have beef anymore, there's still 14 billion sold.

Rock Bottom, Mike Cahan

(That's funny, around here y>e all started LIKING Kiss and having Rock 'n' Roll All Nite parties when Destroyer came out, and now it's made us all go back and wanna wallow in the live album every day! Air Wreck's desk and the walls around it are now a Kiss Shrine! When we answer the phone half the time we say "Kiss Army!" We don 1 care! But you do have one good point — if Ezrin ever makes an album without squawling brats somewhere on it, the world may come to an end even sooner than we all expected! — Ed.)

DYLAN: URINE?

I am glad Lester Bangs exists, because we need writers with balls enough to piss on the man [Dylan], who with th$ exception of a couple of songs, has been pissing on you and me for the last five years. And right here and now, Lester, I wish to apologize for telling a friend that I thought you were the Howard Cosell of rock.

Jimmy McNamera Richmond, VA

(Lester: "Thanks, but I didn't write the article to piss on Dylan. I wrote it because I'loved him and just felt really sad. Howard CoselTs okay, but my real ambition is to become Malcolm Muggeridge, or at least meet Pauline Kael. ")

CORRODING STONES

Deer CREEM, Is it true that the last record Phil Ochs listened to was the new Rolling Stones' single? I used to marvel at how the Stones' singles just got better and better: Last Time, Satisfaction, 19th Nervous Breakdown, Paint It Black, Have You Seen Your Mother, Baby?, Jumping Jack Flash,Brown Sugar, Tumblin' Dice. Now, though, they seem intent on getting worse. I mean, Angie, Hearbreaker, Ain't To Proud to Beg, Fool to Cry. It s only rock 'n' roll, but don't you think you should put a little effort into it?

Chancre Phlegm No Expectations Going Down (Yep. — Ed.)

CELEB CENTRAL

Please excuse my ignorance but, who the hell is Handsome Dick Manitoba and could you please print a picture? By the way. I think your magazine is terrific.

Kayo Pectate

P.S. Helen Reddy gives her regards to Lester Bangs.

(Handsome Dick Manitoba is the leader of the Dictators, who had one album out on Epic last year and just happen to be the best heavy metal band in America. — Ed.)

THUMBS DOWN ON BOWIE BIRTHDAY SUIT

I just got the new issue of CREEM for May. I really like David Bowie but am really disappointed in his "nude" photo. I like to read about what David is doing & I really get off on his music but things like this picture are really not necessary. Most rock fans don't want that sort of thing. I think David really degraded himself with this one.

Heather Syren Calgary, CANADA

P.S. David looks much better with his clothes on! (David? Degrade himself? Haw! Haw haw haw haw ah haw! — Ed.)

SOPH DORM DUES BLUES

I'm just finishing my first year of college and I feel as though I've learned nothing. The only worthwhile accomplishments I've had this past year were buying The Who By Numbers, smoking Tai weed, and learning the truth from Lenny Bruce (not necessarily all at the same time). What are you supposed to learn in college anyway? Will I be this confused when I'm 20? Will Lester Bangs ever get a new Slinky? If this is all there is to life... 1 * hope I die before I get old.

Armand Schaubroeck Steals, Lizz high in the mountains

P.S. I'rrt seriously thinking about moving to London...do you think Pete Townshend would let me stay at his house for awhile?

(Lester: "Dear Liz: Don't worry and don't die— being young is shit! Being old is the coolest. Young people just get world weary; old people get away with things! And the older you get the more you can pull off : pranks, burns, cons — people just say 'Look at that poor senile old fool, he/she doesn't know what the hell he/she's doing... 'It's the greatest scam in the world, and open to everybody. College is just a bus station. And I'll send you my old. Slinky, who's rusty but does a great imitation of Iggy, if you want. ")

THIS MUFF'S NO SNUFF BUFF

Just how many roses did Monarch Films send you for your part in giving free publicity to such a fascist, insane film as Snuff? When I read your article on it, I felt (and still feel) a sickness of spirit that I can't describe. It's so akin to when I was about ten, and my father took me to a drivein to see the film Mein Kampf, and with wet eyes, his telling me what Hitler had done to people and how this hatred lived on in this and other countries under the guise of patriotism. This movie of a woman's torture and murder (whether it's real or not) is a political atrocity, and if, like you say, it makes the drive-ins by summer, I have no hope left, man, none whatsoever for this planet. If that happens, I hate to see where we'll be ten years from now. But who gives a fuck, outside a small circle of friends.

Debby Van Zanen Scottsdale, AZ

(We agree with you totally about Snuff and everything that it stands for. The review was intended as a put-on, and publishing it was predicated on the idea that any intelligent person reading it would realize how not just sick and offensive but plain old stupid and lame and not morbidly fascinating the film was, while, we felt, any person who would like to see a snuff movie and was dumb enough to fall for the review would get ripped off when they went to see it, which is just what they deserve. You would be right, though, in responding that creeps getting ripped off would be putting more money in the pockets of the creeps who made and distributed it. We thought the most effective review of Snuff was in the Detroit News: they merely told the readers that in the murder/dismemberment scene there is no mistaking that it's a department store dummy getting hacked up and when the hands are cut off you can see the sawdust pour out. We think the snuff movie syndrome is one of the most disturbing portents in memory, but we are opposed to censorship of any kind, of anything. Even Snuff. - Ed.)

FOUND: THE FEMALE TRAVIS BICKEL (ORIS IT TED NUGENT?)

I used to have a frieftd who was a groupie. She once told me if it weren't for groupies all rock stars would be gay. Well let me tell you, any groupie who thinks that way is really coppin' out! Because the truth is, if it weren't for groupies there would be less divorces going on in the rock world. And less V.D. You sick horny girls are walking diseases. And any rock star who would even touch you is out of his (or her) mind!!

Sincerely

The President of the WLTSOG P.S. WLTSOG means Womens [sic] League To Stomp OutGroupies. We're gonna kill ya a//!!!!!!!!! (Listen, we gotta get you signed to a recording contract right away. You're just exactly the kind of sensitive compositional talent .the rock world needs to save itself from terminal psoriasis. Call IMMEDIATELY AS SOON AS YOU READ THIS a Mr. Kim Fowley in Los Angeles. He doesn't have a phone because it's Unhip to now but you can reach him anytime thru Rodney Bingenheimer, who can be reached night or day by dialing 213-276-6168 and asking for Yogi. -Ed.) . —thank you for the use of your eyes,

THE GUY'S A QUEER

Lester, Mott the Hoople' meant something to me, top. And so does Lou Reed. I fuckin' adore Metal Machine Music: Do you like Jimi as much as I do? You do!? Could I be a dong from your ugly, misshapen hide? Or am I Lester Bangs in another dimension? Am i in another dimension? Does Linda Ronstadt fool around? If so, give her my numberthe nexttime you see her. It ain't too big, but it does some funny things and it tells jokes.

Jerkih' Crocus, Greasy Dan Hefner.

Idol of millions and the friend of Hone P.S. When do I start reviewing records and/or Jaan Uhelszki?

(Lester: "Thanks, Hef. Can I stand you a round of Thorazine?")

DEARLY BELOVED, WE ARE GATHERED ON THIS SLAGHEAPTO...

My pet rock died yesterday so I guess the best way to celebrate this gala occasion is to write to you nutjobs.

About three years ago your fag mag wasn't half bad but now each issue gets worse. You guys must be half-assed, illiterate [sic], fagoty douche bombs. And as for Lester Bangs — he's one to talk about schmucks.. .If my pet rock (may Harry rest in peace) heard how he called Roger Daltrey a schmuck, Harry would probably turn over in his grave.

You guys are such jerk-offs, that you probably get-off on letters like these. So show us how much balls you really got and print it! .\

Yours in stupidity forever, (no name)

(1. It is a little-known fact that all Pet Rocks purchased in the continental United States in 1975 have undergone personality exchanges with their owners. 2. "Illeiterate" — you're lucky we even let you Germans in our magazine. 3. Did you know that Roger Daltrey is in reality a squeegee and can be bought for 39d — bargain clearance this month only — at Korvette's? — Ed.)

THE PEOPLE OF ORK ARE MARCHING UPON US (& THIS IS ONE OF THEM)

I thought that in the interest of insanity and rock 'n' roll you might want to print this little piece of literature I wrote:

Drink a glass ok fire

kick a susy yum-yum

you know when you do that I can't stay away.

Slide down a razor blade

lick a rug of concrete

you got what it takes to be my Lenny Kaye.

Eat a rat at midnight

kiss a stone Buddha tit

you know when you do that I can't stay away.

Stab electricity

piss right into my mouth

you got what it takes to be my Lenny Kaye.

TURN TO PAGE 84.

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 10.

Mortie Sneaky-Lay McLean, VA

home of the next big thing!

(All right, Woodstein, come down, this time you've gone too far. — Ed.)

BOY H6WDY ASSAULTED BY HOMICIDAL MATRIARCH!

Dear Barry Kramer!

I just read the April issue of CREEM and I was disgusted! My daughter bought one and showed me the Bay City Rollers part (for she really loves them) and I read the part about them and said to her to throw out CREEM!!! I must admit that I like the Rollers, but if you have something bad to say about them just keep it to yourself!! What kind of people would ever buy a magazine like yours! My daughter has brought home other magazines such as Tiger Beat, and 16 Magazine they have good pictures plus good write ups about them! The only thing I'm letting her keep out of CREEM is. one picture of them! Who would pay one dollar for a junky magazine like CREEM!? I hope you've had other letters like mine for I don't see what kind of people write these things about them are like?? One of God's mistakes!! And another thing is that write up about the Rollers you spelled "FUCK" just in big letters so everyone could see well, I'm going to stop everyone in my community to stop buying CREEM and I'm even going to get in and stop it being sold at some stores and I have three good chances for I own Claire's and I have two friends one who owns Max's Smoke Shop. They both have lots of stores throughout this state and lots of other friends that are managers, presidents and owners of other big stores, too! I hope this letter gets through to you, but if you start to clean up your junky magazine into something like Tiger Beat I'll settle down, but till then watch out! Smarten up too!

signed,

anonymous

P.S. I hope some one sues you, too!!!

(Dear Anonymous: Would your first name by any chance be Al? Love, Boy Howdy.)

VIA CON DIOS

Boy Howdy, Lou Reed, Lester Bangs, Handsome Dick Manitoba, MOR, Whipoid, Ace Frehley, LEEE Black Childers, Heartbreakers, Beer, Gin, Vodka, CheapDago Wine, New York Dolls, Kim Fowley, Stooges, MC5, Jack Daniels, Lisa Robinson, Kiss, Dictators, Johnny Thunders, Johnny Walker, Koozy, Fun House, Freddy Mercury, Ian Hunter, Mick Ronson, Mick Zippo, Mick Butane, Elton John, Dana Gillespie, Bowie, Ziggy, Iggy, Wowie, Zowie, Tits, Ass, Rod Stewart, Hangovers, Wayne Kramer, Kick Out The Jams, Bryan Ferry, Staten Island Ferry, Fee Trenchmouth, Holly Woodlawn, Cherry Vanilla, Andy Sernoff, White Punks on Dope-, Cycle Sluts.*

How'd that for a third try to get my name in your lousy mag?

Sincerely,

Elgrove, Village, Ill.

(Notgood enough. — Ed.) ("What does it mean, I don't understand?" — Lester Bangs.) ("What are ya Bangs a retard, it's obviously a takeoff on Rockefeller red-baiting Scoop Jackson!" ,,— Boy Howdy.) ("All of you slobs shut up and go home, we're closing early tonight 'cause I got a date with Una Merkle." — The Publisher.)

WHAT'S A "NIGGER"? '

I saw a picture of Bowie in your May issue standing stark in front of a mirror. Now come on, if you're gonna show me a dude's ass (or whatever) show me a macho one. Understand it's not that I don't dig Bowie because contrary to what he says (May issue) all of us people of color up here were impressed by his try at R&B in Young Americans. And we shduld know. But as far as I'm concerned anything from Bach to Elvin Bishop is laid-back. In the immortal words of some dude with curly hair and a hick voice, "I believe in music." Sweat Pea Spfld., OH

P.S. I dig your mag but limit your use of the word 'nigger' or else we are gonna come up there and smash all you mutha's faces in!

{We've consistently tried to hold to what we felt was a valid moral policy concerning use of words like "nigger, " "faggot" etc. — that as long as it was in context, like Hendrix saying "No dead niggers are suicides, " or to make a point [e.g., L. Bangs saying Dylan was using George Jackson and Hurricane Carter as niggers] or simply as part of the vernacular which includes all of us in one way or another meaning that we would be just as inclined to print "peckerwood, '' "honky, " "ofay" etc., then it should not be considered offensive. We would never use such loaded epithets for purposes of derogating somebody, putting them down, or in any fashion hostile at all. So my position is that you're a nigger, I'm an ofay peckerwood, let's toss those stupid words around until they become absolutely meaningless, and thus lose their power to hurt. But you may be right. — Ed.)

ARABIA DESERTA REVISITED I.Urn.... A.God.... Of shit.Why me..... Go away.How.I..-...Ummmmmm. Moonie.(?).. Elton John ahhhh... .Who?....I .Me., i...and you.(Boo Hoo).Mama_ Lou Reed...Bay.City.Rollers ahhhhhhhhhhhh........High.Crystal (!). THC.Pot. Sex (!!).Rock.Get.... the...:..message (?).Oh.Damn!!!

Love,

Petula Peebrain Hicksville, NY

(Pick up your flea collar at the disperisary on Tuesday. — Ed.)

HOG CALLIN' BLUES

Creem,

was listenin to the box the other day when lowandbehold! who came on but Mr. 70's hisself! Bruce Springsteen...BOY HOWDY! do you people ever have taste for shit! after readin' what ya'll've been printjn about this fucker the past few issues, I was really expectin to hear some good music, WHAT A LETDOWN! the lyrics were mediocre, 'hnd the music was even worse...

and, this love affair Lester has going with Lou Reed...WHY WASTE PRINT on a chump like him? who gives a shit about fag-junkies anyhow? the jerk can't sing, can't play an axe, can't write a decent song, probably can't even hit-up without abcessing his arrh!

GIVE UP LOU!!! YOU AIN'T GOT NO TALENT!!!

as for the tubes, that show is meant to keep the teenyboppers' minds busy so they don't notice the poor musicianship, and who the fuck is Patti Smith? what kind of car does she drive?

wise up creem, I don't blame you for promotint Lester's favorite perfdrmers, but howbout some articles on Ted Nugent, Sky King, Aerosmith (again), or Nilsson?

the bottom 1/4 (bass) of THE MEAN Orlando, Florida

P.S. ask Ted if he wants to come down and do some hog huntin...

(I. Bruce Springsteen and Ted Nugent are actually the same person. 2. The last time we saw Lester his fixation had transferred from Lou tc Metal Machine Music; he is now under treatment'.j and should come round soon. 3. Patti drives the blackest Cadillac in Ofayville. — Ed.)

JUNK MAIL, ALL WE EVER GET IS JUNK MAIL

WE DON'T MAKE PROMISES, WE MAKE GUARANTEES.

I am proud to introduce myself as a member of this community, vitally interested in our people, their problems and aspirations. I am also proud to be your representative for the modern volunteer Army. My job is not only to counsel young men and women about the many opportunities offered by today's Army, but also' to be of assistance to parents and community leaders, in seeking a solution to any problem or an answer to any question having a military connection. Please feel free to visit my office or call me any time. My desire is to serve you!

1 have a "college degree for you," or "$2,500. 00" dollars! [sic]

Call me Lou Reed for information. 834-2744

Today's Army Wants To Join You.

Lou Reed

Department of the Army

United States Army Recruiting Station

300 Fayetteville St. Rm. 101

Raleigh, N.C. 27602