Creem CELIBRATES THE BICENTENNIAL!

I am sure that there are many of you out there who have heard of this phenomenon called the Bicentennial, and may be wondering just exactly what it is. Is it citizens discussing the merits of democracy over the back fence? Is it a massive rush on libraries and bookstores struggling to keep up with the insatiable public demand for copies of The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin, the works of Thomas Jefferson, or, for The Other Side of Midnight crowd, Burr and Johnny Tremaine? Or perhaps, to take a more cynical view, a conspiracy on the part of the ACLU and various comsymp cells to canvas the nation with pirated editions of the Constitution?

No, it is none of these. Extensive research and journalistic legwork'have led me to the discovery that the Bicentennial (unless it was totally fabricated by the CIA) is — among other things too numerous to tally—L&M cigarettes, Chevrolet, new brands of candy and chewing gum, and red-white-andblue mugs available for 50d from Jack in the Box. That's right — the Bicentennial is product. And moving of Same in unprecedented volume.

Essentially what we have here, what we have been experiencing since last July 4'th (leading one to wonder where we will be left after midnight, this coming Independence Eve) is the Selling of America. Which is fine. What do you think all those cracker barrel Hal Holbrook prototypes peeling apples with pocket knives meant by their constant folksy references to the American Dream all those years, anyway, buster? Do you think they were talking about some coonskin-capped "frontier spirit" (which modern anthropology has revealed to us was merely the primal territorial imperative known to any aborigine, anyway, besides which where do you go when you've reached the ocean at the end of the Wagon /Train road? I recall back in 1967, inspired by cannabinol and the follies of the day an acquaintance and I fantasized that now, starting from San Francisco, all the "heads" were going to move Eastward in a massive pioneer migration to reconquer the American wilderness and tame it with Owslifiedbeatitude. Somehow, the project never quite materialized.)? Or maybe that miscegenational homo Huck Finn, dallying down the river towards Fire Island on his raft With his faithful Jim?

Bush-wah. What has always been preeminently signified by the phrase "American Dream" is the magical proviso of Capitalism, the sturdy planks of the Free Enterprise upon which this great nation was founded and which will never rot thanks to the miracle of plywood. In other words: money. The Bicentennial is deserving of reverence and crucial to the well being of our body politic because it allows the people, at the most grass roots level, the opportunity to exercise their traditionally therapeutic Right To Spend in new, broader and more Calvinistically viable ways. So if you really love your flag and country (and'thus by extension God) you will jump in your car the minute you finish this article, rush out to the nearest shopping center and buy everything in sight, whether you can "afford" it or not, especially if its packaging has anything to do with America or is colored red, white, blue or any combination of the three. While you're at it, buy a subscription to this magazine. In fact, buy stock in this magazine; better yet, buy this magazine. The publisher would probably rather be lolling unconcerned in Jamaica anyway. The main thing to remember is not to worry, whatever you buy and however much you spend, about the possibility of fucking up your own fiscal priorities. The most patriotic thing you can do in the year 1976 is drive yourself hopelessly into debt; economists have proven that the more Americans spend, the healthier the economy, so if everybody starts spending like there's no tomorrow we may well pull out of the current recession, so every time you forked over cash you didn't have, whether for a Lincoln Continental or a Pet Rock, you were making just one more gesture among many that would ultimately save America, buddy. Besides which, you can always file for bankruptcy , which is one way of beginning the second two hundred years with no creditorial simians on your back.

On the other hand, if you are offended by all this, if you are so Vance Packard folksy as to call it "crass commercialism" or some such, look at it this way: if they did it with the birth of Jesus Christ, there is certainly no reason why they shouldn't be able to do it to a country which is, after all, only two hundred years old.

ROCK REVOLUTION POSTER

KISS

ROCK REVOLUTION POSTER

THE TUBES

After two centuries of brinq in the dog and put out the cat, Mrs. O'Leary's Cow oushinq her book about the fire on the Today show, Pat Boone growing dreadlocKs, and Grandma Moses beina named as co-respondent in a divorce suit filed by Johnny aqainst Edqar Winter, all climaxing with Tom bnyder contessmg oetore a TV audience of millions thai he is actually a woman.. .after all this, we, us countless huddled yearning dyspeptic Americans, have learned to see our dreams crushed before the Eaqle even commences to flap, much less get off the ground We are inured to shock and disillusion. We have given 200 years to Reverend Ike. There is nothinq left to lose, and no bolts that jolt. Except for one thing. I ask you: are we REALLY ready for the TUBES? Take a good look. Hee haw. Don t tread on me. When Las Vegas takes over the world