THE BEAT GOES ON

THE BEAT GOES ON

Painless Biz Lesson #23

BRILL BUILDING—What important role do Naked Snake, Psuedo Songs, Big Pig and Tinkle Tunes play in the music industry? They're the respective publishers of Little Feat, the Tubes, Elton John, and Fanny, that's what. Any slick dicked accountant will tell you that when you sign a recording contract, it's wise to grab the rights on your own publishing, because there's as much money in that as there is in vinyl.

Naturally, rock 'n' rollers try to out-weird each other in naming their companies just like they do in everything else from t-shirts to reptile sexual preferences. Just dig through any stack of records and you'll find brain gum like these: Far Fetched Music (Black Oak Arkansas), Hot Shot (Count Five), Juke Joint (J. Geils), Deep Fruit (Capitol City Rockets), Interesting Old Void (George Gerdes), Art In Space (Head), Alkatraz Comer (Country Joe), Green Bump (Capt. Beefheart), or Police Music (Dick Wagner).

None of which approach the honesty and forthrightness of John Cale's Tin Pan Punk Music.

R. Johnson & K. Urban TORONTO, ONT.-Elton John's weight problem is legendary. His fight with the scales began while he was still the pudgy Reg Dwight. But popstars are supposed to be obscenely slim...Jagger with a beer belly? Daltrey double-chinned?

Elton: Closet Chrome-dome?

So portly Elton watched what he ate, stopped drinking those ultra-caloric British ales (Just a little white wine, thank you), and got up off his sedentary piano bench for tennis with Billie Jean King. Still slightly overweight, he drew attention away from his girth with those wacko costumes, none of which accented his waistline.

Now suitably svelte and successful, a teen idol on the seven continents and five oceans, Elton's hormones have delivered a cruel punch. He's losing his hair!

In his recent Playboy interview (January 1976), La John said that he suspected his receding hairline was caused by too much hair dye.

"I was a silly cunt," he said, and added that he was considering a hair transplant. "It's just a matter of going down there with the courage to say, 'I want some more hair, please.'"

With the conclusion of his autumn West Coast tour, Elton retired to the Bahamas for some rest and recoup on doctor's orders. But by the first week of December, the balding pop magnate had surfaced on the top floor of Toronto's Hyatt Regency Hotel. Of all places to languish, what was Elton doing in Toronto at the onset of the Canadian winter? ■

At first he told the local press that he was here to spend time with "some special friends" (Gregg and Cher's lawyer in Buffalo?) and to assist in the waxing of trax for Bernie Taupin's solo disc, underway at Toronto's Thunder Sound recording studio. Fair enough, but when local reporters and scene-sters watched the days pass into weeks, the question remained, "Why is Elton John in Toronto?"

A columnist for the Toronto Star put one and one together and came up with the obvious: Elton was in town for a hair transplant!

The columnist called the Toronto clinic famed for its "hair plug" operation and asked the condition of one of their clients, a Mr.. R. Dwight. The clinic's spokesperson replied, "Why? Is his scalp still bleeding?"

Get High Without Drags!

They've been trying to find a way to turn teens off brainboggling chemicals for years, and it's finally been accomplished by the young scientist pictured here. His name is Ike Aaruss, and he claims that his revolutionary system of homegrown wings, which his best selling manual says any fool can fashion from Reynolds Wrap, can take you places Sandoz never dreamed of. To demonstrate, he recently leaped from the top of the World Trade Center in NYC, fell 120 stories through an open manhole which deposited him atop the third car in a subway express to Bedford-Stuyvesant, where he rolled off the car and down a newly-tarred embankment into an automobile graveyard and under a 1040 Oldsmobile, from which he never emerged. So we don't have his statement on how it matched up against THC, but George Plimpton Is preparing to repeat the stunt as soon as he can sign a telespecial deal with NBC, so you should be able to see it in living peacocks and prime time, by late spring at least.

Elton-spotters noted that during his nationally televised, front-row appearance at a Toronto vs. New York hockey game, Mr. John did not remove his hat for the playing of the Canadian and American national anthems. Was this an affront to international politics, or merely a Way of keeping the "bleeding scalp" covered? Toronto disco-goers and boutiqueowners noticed that when Elton passed through he was always hatted.

Shortly before his departure around Christmas time, four photographers and two faniwere involved in a fracas outside the Toronto Racquet Club. Throughout his stay Elton had been making daily trips there for tennis lessons. On this particular day a group followed him from the hotel to the club, and waited outside for the Popmeister. As Elton prepared to leave by a side door, the photographers began clamoring fo/snaps, forcing EJ to retreat into the building. Then his chauffeur, acting under someone's orders, drove the limo into the crowd of six, pinning one unlucky soul against a wall. The chauffeur shouted, "Why don't you leave the guy alone!"

No one was hurt, and Elton left through a rear exit wearing a hat.

Steven Davey

Business

Before

Pleasure

LOS ANGELES-Mercury, the mythical legman for Zeus and others atop Olympus, made his rounds aided by wings growing out of his ankles. Evolution seems to have rejected that possibility, however, so couriers for the Emery Air Freight Company in downtown Los Angeles have come up with the next best thing: skateboards.

Like many of the best corporate ideas, this one originated at the bottom, with one of the couriers, almost nine months ago. He was tired of walking.

Despite considerable local publicity recently, an Emery official said he doubted the idea would spread. Climate being a major consideration outside of Southern California, maybe not. But what better way to keep the wheels of commerce spinning?

Bruce Robinson

Harley Verbally Accosteoln New York's Capitol

ALBANY, N.Y. —During a recent Albany performance at the Palace Theatre, where they opened for the Kinks, Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel were scorned by local hecklers, who obviously aren't accustomed to seeing masks, hearing screams, or experiencing anything like the popular English band, Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel. "Take off your coat, you fuckin' queer" were the first words to reach the stage as Steve and the boys walked on. Harley insisted that he wasn't and invited the hecklers to come up and find out. This quieted things down for a while, but later, during the onset of "Make Me Smile" (a former No. 1 British single) the rippleheads started in again. Things got so bad that the band had to play a Beatle song ("Here Comes The Sun") just to get the audience to calm down.

After the set, the Kinks took the stage, and Ray Davies immediately started imitating Harley's screams. But, as Harley said of the boos: "You have to remember two things. One, it's happened before, and two, we don't care."

Tony Mastrianni

Thump & Grind or Am-maculate Conception

TALLAHASSEE, FLA.Rev. Charlie Boykin, the one-man vinyl crisis, is at it again. Citing $ poll of Florida high school students which revealed that 984 of 1000 unwed mothers became pregnant while listening to pop music, he put the torch to $2000 worth of rock records on the church lawn, right next to ja mysterious cross-shaped burn that had been re-seeded. The Rev. Boykin and his gang of afterlifers have also come out against weed-climbing, softfocus photography, and reruns of The Jetsons.

And remember, crabs can pole vault.

Rick Johnson

Tubular Boobs

SAN FRANCISCO-New Years' Eve 1976 at Winterland: '"Tits 'n' Ass! Tits 'n' Ass!' I remember shows here when the rallying cry was 'Rock 'n' Roll!"' The bleary survivor of bygone days flipped open his silver and turquoise-inlaid reefer case and extracted a needle of newlydecriminalized Thai weed. Smiling broadly after a mighty drag, he exhaled into his old lady's red, white and blue face. She was painted to look like an American flag. Coughing into his chest, she smeared his Grateful Dead Blues For Allah T-shirt with her still-damp patriotism.

"HAPPY NEW YEAR! Let's hear it for SODOMY!" "WOOOO!" Countless couples of indiscriminate sex embraced throughout Winterland to the Stanford University Marching Band's rendition of "Livin' In The U.S.A." Firecrackers exploded and Fee Waldo Waybill pranced onstage with a short, balding guy in motor-

I Mondo Brailfj

MACOMB, ft.L.*-The huZ yarn brain is a small, three ■/md a half pound mass of convoluted pinkish-gray jelly, vtfticb is so fissured as to compare visually to the landscape of the moon. Although it cap be held in tfm palm of one band, who would want to?

Rick Johnson

ized windshield-wiper glasses. "Great to see ya, Elton," smirked the Top Tube.

At 12:00 midnight on January 1, 1976, California made the smoking or possession of an ounce or less of marijuana a misdemeanor, worthy of a citation as severe as one for a traffic violation. Of more stimulating import, the legislature of the Golden State legalized any and all sexual practices between consenting adults behind closed doors. Visions of Charlie Rich in crotchless leather panties spring to the demented mind. The less imaginative need only to have been present at Bill Graham's Bicentennial Masquerade Ball for sufficient inspiration.

There were genuine looners, mooners and gooners amidst the gold stick-on stars and denim, and they were out in search of the big bucks: $1,000 for the best costume of the night. The aesthetically-oriented in the sold-out house had come for the genial antics of the Tubes, ^the most lionized local group since the heyday of psychedjplia. But even the staunchest sycophant couldn't help but be distracted by those herds of jailbait-on-the-hoof as they displayed their wares for a possible $500 per starspangled knocker.

Before getting down to the meat of the matter, the crowd tooted complimentary

noise-fnakers while the Bay Area's Iggy-For-Juniors, Eddie Money, warmed up for Flo & Eddie. The Illegal, Immoral and Fattened Ones came on wearing glitter capes and masks appropriate to the occasion, mutilated a couple of stuffed animals in "Mondo Bondage" fury and tantalized the rubes with a few bars of "Smoke On The Water." Doffing .the classy duds, they swung into a short set of Turtles hits, new tunes and the obligatory feelthy monologues. Highlights included a cheesy performance of "Elenore" and Flo's impersonation of Phoebe Snow (fetus and all).

The Tubes welcomed 1976 by headlining this tri-

umphant travesty. There were a number of deviations from their standard "Let's Make A Deal/Shamateur Hour," but they left in the important shit. Fee dropping his pants and doggiehumping the G-stringed dancers during "It's Not Unusual." The I Love Lucy theme. Quay Lewd was carried to center stage by female porters in leopard skins. He choked on a mouthful of 714's and the fans gleefully sang along with "White Punks On Dope."

The revelers roared at the encore of "Town Without Pity," leaving Fee flushed, thrilled and arrogant. "We're a San Francisco band, right? We're the ONLY HOT San Francisco band, right?" Should auld acquaintance be forgot, stick a Starship down your throat...

Michael Snyder

Give 'Em The Finger

CHICAGO, ILL.—In the competition for gross-out of '76, which so far includes squatting in bear wallows, snorting nasal extracts from professional fish smellers, and slowly putting eggs to a painful death, comes this item from a Windy City bartender named Nick.

It seems Nick was in the basement cutting some wood with his new electric saw when he sliced off the top joint of his index finger. His wife rushed him to the hospital, where a doctor asked "Where's the tip of the finger? We can sew it back on,"

Nick's wife rushed back home and jurhped down the basement stairs to retrieve it, but she was too late.

Their dog ate it.

Rick Johnson

5 YEARS AGO

Brothers Busted In Dixie

The Allman Brothers — Duane, Gregg and four roadies — were busted in Jackson, Ala. on March 22 for weed, "small quantities of heroin and an unidentified drug". I

The Allmans and entourage were picked up when the manager of a roadside restaurant tipped off the police to their "objectionable behavior." After two days in the slammer the Allmans were released on $2,000 bond, and will probably face trial in Alabama next fall.