IT’S A VIBE

I masturbate on a professional level, having remained a top performer on OnlyFans for three years and gracing your PornHub feed in advertisements and XXX scenes for the industry’s top companies. All in all, I’ve worked in the sex industry for almost a decade. Oh, and in addition to being really good at sex, I’m a staff writer for Dirty magazine, where I interview other porn stars and discuss all things intimate.

Considering this resume, CREEM made a playlist especially for my vagina, and tonight I’ll be syncing those songs to a Bluetoothcompatible vibrator and masturbating with it. As someone who has never enjoyed vibration patterns, I have a feeling this will be an anticlimactic evening for me. However, as someone who has sex with men professionally, I’m quite accustomed to the disappointment of getting realIII close to cumming and then not getting there.

On that note, I’m ready to use the Lovense Flexer for the first time. It’s bright pink, silky smooth, and operated with an app. My Gen-Z ass loves this shit. It has an internal limb and external vibrator that work together to hook to your body for hands-free play. But most notably, this toy has the ability to sync its vibration patterns to music. And boy, does this playlist look promising...

“CHANGE (IN THE HOUSE OF FLIES)” BY DEFTONES
Listening to this song in general gives me a boner, so we’re starting out strong. The intro is quite rumbly, which the vibe picks up on with a slow and steady crescendo. But then he hitsthatfirst big “I WATCHED YOU CHAAANGE”—I reallyfelt that. Literally. I almost fell off my bed. I feel like I’m in a cage match with the vibrator and the vibrator is winning. I'll give this one a 4/10.

“13 MONSTERS” BY LIGHTNING BOLT
This is actually my first time hearing this song, and I’ll probably never be able to listen to it again. It’s fitting that the beat is so militant because I feel like a drill sergeant is yelling at me to cum, but I’m so unaroused I justfeel likecrying. The rhythm isn’t static enough to bring me to orgasm, but it’s incessant enough to make me really me wantto. Which is the worst-case scenario inthis situation. 0/10

“I TOUCH MYSELF” BY DIVINYLS
This song is even more frustrating than the last one. I am very much wanting to bust a nut right now, but instead I'm just giggling and rubbing my legs together, trying to feel something. This song seems to engage the lower-intensity settings on the vibrator, which feels less like a relief and more like a buzzing insect trapped in my panties. 2/10

“CARELESS WHISPER” BY WHAM!
For some reason this one is making me need to...pee? Squirt? Unclear at the moment but excited to find out. The vibrator is really picking up on that horn, which isn’t torturing me with its rhythm so much as its fast and furious ascension, like the crack of a fucking whip. The high notes are radiating from my clitoris to my spine. Ah, there’s the squirt—involuntary and not as hot as you’re imagining. 4/10

“TRADERJOE” BY JUNGLEPUSSY
I’m not kidding, my eye just started twitching. The beat of this song is causing bodily stress. It’s like popcorn in the microwave, but every time a kernel pops, you get shot with a BB gun. I’m wincing as I write this, and there is no relief to be found. This song is three whole minutes of fucking staccato. And yeah, I learned that word in middle school orchestra. 0/10

“I BET ON LOSING DOGS” BY MITSKI
I never wanted to be aroused listening to Mitski’s Puberty album, but here I am. This is the best one yet. The dragging notes make for a relatively steady vibration pattern, and the synth parts have a super grumbly feel. But I’m also having to listen to Mitski while masturbating, which feels really gay (literally and derogatorily). 6/10

“INTRODUKSIONELL MISTILLIT” BY PARLAMENTARISK SODOMI
Similar to the Mitski song, this one is consistent in speed and intensity. Unlike Mitski, this song would put a Victorian child in a coma. I’m a sucker for a blast beat and some guttural vocals, and now I can say my vagina is too. If this song were 10 minutes longer, it would make me cum. And later I might just try that. 8/10

“TERROR NO” BY MANNEQUIN PUSSY
This one actually made me have to pee. It’s utilizing the higher-intensity functions on the vibrator in a way that’s rather unpleasant. The choppiness of the beat is like getting rhythmically electrocuted through the clitoris. I know this is, like, a feminist band or whatever, but this experience is giving me penis envy. Sorry! 2/10

“IT TOOK THE NIGHT TO BELIEVE” BY SUNN O)))
Okay, so six minutes of gravelly noise through this thing feels like riding a motorcycle on the highway but you’re on the back of your dad’s bike so you just tune it out as to not make it weird. And then afterward your pussy and ass are numb so you’re walking kind of funny... Actually, this is a great reminder to call my dad. 3/10

“WORLD EATER” BY BOLT THROWER
God, I love this song. I don’t care how commercialized listening to Bolt Thrower has become, this shit rules. The vibrator can’t seem to comprehend how awesome this song is. Or it’s too fast for the vibrator to keep up with. I’m enjoying the uniform vibrations, butl kindofwish Icouldfeelthisguitar solo. Either way, I’m really grateful this thing is hands-free because I need both hands to rock out right now. 6/10

I laughed, I cried, I squirted. Trying new things is such an important part of learning what we like, don’t you think? I’m not sure I’ll ever do this again, but I can now proudly say that I’ve squirted during a Wham! song. So, all in all, a win. Thank you, Spectrum Boutique and Zoe Ligon, for providing me with this crazy gadget. My vagina and I feel very connected right now.

And thank you, CREEM. You can go now, I’m done.