NAMES: Tom Araya, Kerry King,

Jeff Hanneman, Dave Lombardo.

AGES: Gods do not conform to your lowly notions of time.

FROM: Sunny California! Can’t you tell?

OCCUPATION: Goatlords, Riff Master Generals, strikers of fear into the hearts of Muse fans.

HOBBIES: Shaming Guitar Center employees, pranking Jesus.

LAST BOOK YOU READ: How Stella Got Her Groove Back.

LAST ACCOMPLISHMENT: It’s not how many people you can kill, it’s the quality.

QUOTE: “When it’s raining blood, let a smile be your umbrella!”

PROFILE: Before you ask, this shot is 100 percent real. It was taken on Nov. 6, 2004, just four days after President George W. Bush was elected to a second term. The band was playing in Detroit with Mastodon and Killswitch Engage when the photographer approached them backstage and asked for their thoughts on the reelection of the infamous word-mangler in chief. The band had zero reaction to the question and maintained a workmanlike demeanor.

Slayer, we salute your focal singulation on the task at hand, avoiding any cunnilingual distraction. Thank you for the great records and your incredible scholaptitude, strategery, and inventfulness in pulling off such a great act of musical ideationism.