SCREEN BEAT
The shame. The disgrace. The horror. The videos of 1987. They came. They aired. We dozed. When we woke up, the calendar read 1988. We knelt before our cable, and besides praying that our region would soon feature Nick At Nite so we could finally see reruns of Car 54, Where Are You, we asked for guidance in the always gut-wrenching task of summing up the year in rock videos.
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SCREEN BEAT
GOD BLESS US, EVERYONE by Bitty Altman
The shame. The disgrace. The horror. The videos of 1987. They came. They aired. We dozed. When we woke up, the calendar read 1988. We knelt before our cable, and besides praying that our region would soon feature Nick At Nite so we could finally see reruns of Car 54, Where Are You, we asked for guidance in the always gut-wrenching task of summing up the year in rock videos. Suddenly, the cable started to shake violently, and a voice that sounded suspiciously like Mark Goodman’s came through the TV, even though the set was turned off. “I am the ghost of video past,” it cried out. “Even though I was taken off the air, my spirit remains trapped inside these unmortal coils. Save yourself, Ebenezer Altman, from this life of video viewing! if you continue to watch, you will end up like me. .. and Alan. And poor, poor JJ. Yes, we’re all here. Everyone except Martha. We think she was so small that she somehow slipped through the cathode barrier. Save yourself, Altman! Save yourself!” The voice grew fainter and fainter, until it finally disappeared. Then we woke up. It’d all been a crazy dream! We checked the calendar. It read 1988. We knelt before our cable and, and besides praying that. ..
(Editor’s note: Billy Altman seems to have disappeared for the time being. He left behind a note saying he’d be back next month after a short rest at a television-free zone in the Adirondacks. In the meantime, here are his Screen Beat Achievement Awards for 1987.)
BEST OVERALL PERFORMANCE: Bil-
ly Idol’s upper lip in “Sweet Sixteen.” BEST UNDERALLS PERFORMANCE:
The girl in Michael Jackson’s “The Way You Make Me Feel.”
The MADE FOR EACH OTHER AWARD: Sammy Hagar and Sylvester Stallone, “Winner Takes It All.”
The LIGHTEN UP, IT’S ONLY A VIDEO AWARD: Tie—Bruce Springsteen, “Brilliant Disguise”; Bruce Springsteen, “Tunnel Of Love.”
The DEVIL MADE ME DO IT AWARD: Stryper, “Calling On You.”
The FASHION STATEMENT OF THE YEAR AWARD, MALE: Don Dixon’s dorag in “Praying Mantis.”
The WHY IS THIS MAN SMILING AWARD: The Beach Boys’ Mike Love, “Wipe Out.”
The ANNUAL SWEET DREAMS ARE MOOED OF THIS BEST USE OF COWSIN-VIDEO AWARD: R.E.M., for the hoofed barnyard cameos in “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine).”
The ANNUAL ROLLING STONES OVER THE HILL AWARD: Mick Jagger, “Let’s Work.”
The ANNUAL ELTON JOHN HEAD COVERING AWARD: The powdered wig in “Candle In The Wind.”
The ANNUAL ANN WILSON BODY COVERING AWARD: Nancy Wilson, “In Dreams.”
The VILLAGE PEOPLE MEMORIAL MACHO MAN AWARD: Tie—The Mighty Lemon Drops, “My Greatest Thrill”; The Jesus & Mary Chain, “Happy When It Rains.”
BEST USE OF FRUITS AND VEGETABLES, EATEN OR THROWN: Dead Or Alive, “Something In My House.”
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY: Wendy And Lisa, for re-defining the word static in “Waterfall.”
BEST TECHNICAL ACHIEVEMENT: Sheena Easton’s skirt, “U Got The Look.”
BEST DIRECTION: The Smiths’ Morrissey, for only agreeing to make videos after the group announced its break-up.
BEST VIDEOS (no kidding): “With Or Without You,” U2; “Totally Nude,” The Wallets; “Blow Wind Blow,” Tom Waits; “Hourglass,” Squeeze; “Take The Skinheads Bowling,” Camper Van Beethoven.
SNAR SHOTS Why? Because It’s There: David Lee Roth, “Just Like Paradise”—Why Diamond Dave wasted all this death-defying mountain climbing footage on a song this
good is beyond me. Then again, maybe he was feeling a bit pinched by all these young metal whippersnappers nipping at the Top 10 and wanted to show he’s still got what it takes. (You know how these lead singers get.) Anyway, I predict offers from Busch beer and the Be-AII-That-YouCan-Be boys from the army within a few months. Either that or a starring role in The. New Adventures of Grizzly Adams. And, speaking of cliffs...
Apres Moi, Le Deluge! The Cure, “Head On The Door”—Last time out, you’ll recall, Robert Smith kept staring over the precipice at all those inviting rock formations and crashing waves hundreds of feet below. Well, this time he gets his (death) wish and not only that, he takes the rest of the band with him! Admittedly, not as much fun as a barrel of Monkees over Niagara Falls (sorry, couldn’t resist), but it’ll do for now. What I wanna know is, what’ll they come up with for an encore? And, speaking of rocks...
What? Brontosaurus Burgers Again? The Screaming Blue Messiahs, “I Wanna Be A Flintstone”—I must confess I was kinda hoping for some old clips from the Beau Brummels’ Bedrock concert appearance in 1965—with Shindig’s Jimmy O’Neill (stone) hosting^-’to show up here, but that, as they say in show biz, might be too hip for the room. Anyway, since we mentioned ad possibilities before, how ’bout Bill Carter doin’ this song for the vitamin concern on Saturday morning? Now that’s a yabba-dabba-do I could really get behind.
