SCREEN BEAT

SCREEN BEAT

DEPARTMENTS

ONLY HER HAIRDRESSER KNOWS FOR SURE by Billy Altman

I’m writing this in mid-December, traditionally the bottom-of-the-barrel time for new recordings and, ergo, new videos. Why most record companies decide to draw the blinds and by and large close up shop for the holidays is beyond me. I mean, do they really think (as they always claim when pressed on the subject) that most “good” new music will get lost in the shuffle if it’s released around Christmas? Like it isn’t lost in the shuffle most of the time anyway, regardless of season? Actually, my favorite trend recently is the one that has many companies releasing the bulk of their product in early fall and late spring—the “school in, school out” theory of music marketing. I keep waiting for the light bulb to go off somewhere in some vice president’s head that a late December “winter recess” release might prove highly successful. You know, “Unhappy with what you got for Christmas? Try the new Blah Blah album and have yourself a happy new year anyway!” Something like that.

Until then, however, we will have to try and brave the December waters (or, to keep our motifs meteorogically correct, snow) with what we’re given. Now, outside of Bruce Springsteen actually smiling for about half a second in his latest clip, “Tunnel Of Love,” there really isn’t much in the way of real video news to report. We toyed with the idea of writing about INXS’s “Need You Tonite” for awhile, but then we realized that once we got past a great headline—They Might Be Giants; They Could Be Queen!—we really didn’t have that much to say except that they’re the first potentially big group in a long time to really bother us, and since we haven’t figured out exactly why as of yet, we decided to stay clear of them for now. And, while it’s true that George Michael’s tush looks real cute on “Faith,” we wrote about him a few months ago and besides, we try to make it a rule not to tell the same jokes more than three times in any given 12-month period. Then we saw the Eurythmics’ “Beethoven (I Love To Listen To)” and “I Need A Man” and realized there really is a Santa Claus.

At this point in time, the Eurythmics are probably the most consistently interesting videomaking group around. And I’m not ju^t saying that because they were the first people to use farm animals effectively in a music video—which they were, if you’ll recall those early moments when Annie Lennox and Dave Stewart went toe-to-hoof with the cows in “Sweet Dreams.” Without straining the brainpan too much (which is, after all, the general battle plan for this month’s column), I can flash on Dave and Annie’s Max Von Sydow/Liv Ullman experiment in angst for “Here Comes The Rain Again,” the “Who’s That Girl” clip, which ended with a split-screened Lennox picking herself up at a nightclub, the tag team match with Aretha Franklin on “Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves,” and the Bride Of Frankenstein In Furs bondage spree in “Missionary Man.” These are strong images, and “Beethoven” and “I Need A Man” certainly add to the reputation, what wjth Lennox’s hysterical Diary Of A Mad Housewife breakdown in the former and her Bimbos From Space freakout in the latter.

“Beethoven” is quite effective, especially if you’ve ever seen the long-running British sitcom Butterflies. Lennox starts out in the clip very much like that show’s heroine, Ria, trying to take care of the household chores while slowly unraveling from the day-to-day banality of her existence. The great thing is that when she starts to “break free,” she actually goes even more berserk than she was before. Lennox handles the shift from neurotic to psychotic as easily as she changes wigs; when she storms out of the house at the end of “Beethoven,” you don’t know if she’s on her way to an orgy or a gunshop. Then, on “I Need A Man,” we find out. She wants a man, alright, but heaven help the poor fool who takes her on. And the great thing is, it’s up to us, the viewers, to figure out what’s driven this woman off the deep end. The Eurythmics are one of the few groups that give their audience credit for, as the saying goes, an ounce of brains. And as a downtrodden video viewer, I appreciate it. Like they say, count those blessings.

SNAP SHOTS

Warm Leatherette, Indeed! The Smiths, “Stop Me If You Think You’ve Heard This One Before”—In which noted bicycle enthusiast (or is that noted bicycle seat enthusiast?) Morrissey leads a flock of “sensitive’'’ lads down to a defunct English boys club to show them the place where, presumably, some of the traumatic events which contributed to his unique personality and, er, lifestyle transpired. I love the fact that everyone is wearing spectacles—you know what they say down at the pool: Girls never make passes at boys who wear glasses. And speaking of hygiene. . Yes, But Has He Washed That Mike Stand In The Last 10 Years? Aerosmith, “Dude (Looks Like A Lady)”—Finally, the clip that proves conclusively that Steven Tyler sprang fully grown from the womb of Carly Simon after her one-nighter with Mick Jagger following the “You’re So Vain” session!. . . No, But I Never Forget A Grimace: the Cars, “Strap Me In”—I’m watching this clip and I’m thinking how awful it is and then they cut to this guy and girl who are wrestling with each other and she’s making all these disgustingly distorted faces and I realize it’s the “You know, this world is really messed up” hippie chick from the latest round of Jordache ads, making all the exact same faces as in the commercial! I mean, what a resume! If she plays her sneers right, maybe she’ll wind up a big star like the girl from Springsteen’s “Dancing In The Dark” video, who went from there to a tampon ad and is now Michael J. Fox (Canadian content included)’s girl friend on Family Ties. I mean, is this a great country, or what?