BRITMETAL: Sock ft To Me, Baby

BRITMETAL: Sock ft To Me, Baby

Sylvie Simmons

They stink, they’re dirty, they hang around in pairs; they’re always near the gutter attracting little bits of fluff! They’re socks! Sit back and put your brain on rinse-cycle as Britmetal brings you everything you wanted to know about socks but were afraid to ask!

Where better to start than with Fish of Marillion, who’s marrying his German girlfriend Tamara as you read this and knows a thing or two about international socks. Well? “My dog Kerry steals my socks,” mumbled the frontman. Even though they smell “terrible.” Oh.

Hang on, here’s Sam Fox—what’s she got to say? “My boyfriend used to wear bondage trousers tied together around his feet.” Different. How did she keep them clean? “Water, I suppose.” Thank you, Sam.

Looks like we’ll have to ask Zodiac Mindwarp, increasingly-famous Degenerate Of The World. What can you tell us about socks, Zody? “I never wash my socks, I throw them in the bin and buy a new pair.” Oh, that Zody!

Silly K.K. Downing of Judas Priest thought we were doing everything you wanted to know about stiletto heels this ish. “I like them a lot! But women’s feet look a lot better in them than out of them because their toes tend to get all crimped up and the toenails get all bruised. It’s a shame. But they look very sexy.”

Whereas that even sillier Ritchie Blackmore is wearing a sock on the middle finger of his left hand! It’s not a sock? It’s a bandage? He broke his finger while smashing a guitar onstage, and now he’s got to have two months off if he wants to be well in time for headlining Europe’s Monsters Of Rock festivals. Meanwhile, we hear he’s been getting pally with soundalike guitar hero Yngwie Malmsteen, who’s just poached Ritchie’s old Rainbow vocalist, Joe Lynn Turner.

Time for the Whatever Happened To section. Whatever happened to Neil Murray, bass player and intrepid partygoer, one of the many to be kicked out of Whitesnake? Well, he’s currently holed up in Spain with the group of small Japanese people who go by the name of Vow Wow. He’s standing in on bass while they record their album (due in the Fall) ’cause their own bassist, Kenji Sano, upped and left.

Warlock have lost their bass player, too. Bass players are getting to be like socks, the way you seem to lose one. Only a month since they said goodbye to guitarist Pete Szigeti and now they have to replace Frank Rikkel, too!

Fellow Germans, magnificent avantthrash merchants Celtic Frost have added a fourth member, American guitarist Ron Marks, while gnomeish Udo Dlrkscheider is still trying to find a band to back him on his first solo album since quitting Accept, due before the year’s out. Bobby Kimball, Toto’s old singer, has joined MGM:that’s Bernie Marsden, Mel Galley, John Marten and— him again!—Neil Murray, while Simon Kirke and Boz Burrell of Bad Company, Jim Capaldi and Snowy White teamed up with ex-T Rex guitarist Jack Green for an album, Latest Game.

Jimmy Page and TNT’s Ronnie Le Tecro are collaborating on the score to Kenneth Anger’s next movie. Jimmy, you’ll remember, eventually came up with the music for Anger’s Lucifer Rising. Iron Maiden’s Eddie is going to star in a horror film, while Bruce Dickinson is writing a novel. And Brian May of Queen is slated to produce HM comedy group Bad News's album, which will include their truly horrendous rendition of “Bohemian Rhapsody.”

Here’s the Beastie Boys, and what’s that they’re saying about Sam Fox? She’s deaf and they’d like to hang her out the window like she’s a pair of socks or something? Oh sorry, "def\" “I thought they meant I was deaf at first,” says Sam. “I’d like to see them try to hang me out of a window.” As would Jon Bon Jovi, no doubt, whom she insisted on calling “Bon Jon” when she met him. "It’s such a mouthful,” she mysteriously told Smash Hits, "his name. He’s a nice guy.” So’s Bon Jovi's Dave Bryan, but you wouldn’t think so the way the police swoop on him whenever he goes through an airport. His name also happens to belong to an Evil Armed Robber the cops are after.

Meanwhile, the police in Britain have been swooping on the Beastie Boys, hauling a roadie off to jail after a riot at one show, and arresting Adam “Ad-Rock” Horowitz just as they were about to leave for Japan, on the charge of assaulting a young female fan; something about chucking a beer can from the stage at her.

And the Swedish army has finally caught up with that Scandinavian rebel,

Joey Tempest. Europe’s frontman was fined $15,000—by divine coincidence the exact same amount as AdRock’s bail—for avoiding the military call-up back home. Joey says he “accepts” the verdict.

Guns & Roses and their old “pals” Poison had a hell of a job getting over to England, what with work permits being held up time and time again. Guns & Roses faced the added misery of having to postpone a legendary Marquee gig when frontman Axel had a run-in with the Los Angeles Police Department that landed him in the hospital. Still, Poison didn’t even get to p/ay—except with Bananarama at a party at London’s Limelight and it didn’t even involve going onstage!... Poison’s “Talk Dirty To Me” was banned by the BBC from daytime airplay on Britain’s national radio. The BBC doesn’t like anything to do with socks.

Mantas and Venom are in a race to the death to see who can get their new albums finished first... Megadeth may include a song written for the late Cliff Burton of Metallica, “In My Darkest Hour,” on their upcoming album. The band recently re-recorded their odd version of nice Nancy Sinatra’s “These Socks Are Made For Walking” for the movie Dudes.

Finally, the Britmetal award for courage in the face of wimpmetal goes to the doorman at EMI Records in London, who threw major EMI act Marillion out into the street. “I thought they were bums,” explained our hero afterwards. What more can we say than see you next month?!