DATIN’ IS A THING THAT GROWN-UPS DO!

DATIN’ IS A THING THAT GROWN-UPS DO!

MOTLEY CRUE Girls, Girls, Girls (Elektra)

Motley Crue are truly a bunch of fun-lovin’ guys. They run around in outfits that’re about a grade short of bacon on the USDA scale. Their composite driving record puts them in a special category usually reserved for the deceased. And like the man said, when they’ve got a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

As befitting such fun-types, Girls, Girts, Girls is one heck of a fun record. Like new Lava squirt-on soap, it possesses the power of pumice in liquid. Which is to say that the music’s bombastic yet fluid. It features their best riffs, hollers and production values ever. So for those of you who’ve been hoping the Crue would just go away, or maybe lift like fog, this here’s your death knell tombstone eyepoke: the killer LP you were afraid they might have in ’em.

What exactly is so much fun about this record, you ask? Let us count the guffaws. 1. Fun music predicated on high compression guitar moves from Mick Mars and Tommy Lee’s unpredictable rhythms. 2. Fun lyrics that are so great they aren't even lyrics, they’re just words. C’mon—who else would refer to sex as “target practice in the dark”? 3. Fun singing from a wiser-if-sillier Vince Neil, who must’ve taken that “you may already be a whiner” postcard he received to heart.

You want particulars? We got particulars. My pick fof most fun cut is the title track, a sort of left-handed “California Girls” which rolls off a sinuous-yet-dunderheaded riff that (true story!) brought a king-sized waterbug out in "the” open here to investigate. Honest, he just tiptoed out from l-don’t-even-wanna-know-where and stood there below the speaker—possibly agape—his antennae twitching curiously at the crazy vibrations. I wonder if I could teach it to type.

More can be located in the genuinely hilarious “Bad Boy Boogie,” which is not really meant for listening, but for sandblasting municipal buildings. The punch line’s in the chorus: “Round and round the town the same ol’ story’s told/Better lock up your daughter when the Motleys hit the road.” You might also want to consider locking up your dogs, cats, cottage cheese, tube socks, etc.

What? You want stHI more fun? OK, you asked for it! How about “Wild Side,” where they put down greed, religion and folks who “glamorize cocaine,” all to a riff that hit me like the day I absentmindedly used a pair of scissors for a bookmark. Guess what happened when I propped up the book in my lap and opened it. Or how about the very fast 'n' good “Dancing On Glass,” where Nikki Sixx cries out “Sweet Chiva! You were my Jesus!” Or better yet, the line where our heroic lyricist rhymes “menage a trois” with “those”?

Still not convinced? Then go directly to the Crue’s live version of the Elvis super-classic “Jailhouse Rock." Now, Elvis was definitely a fun kinda guy. I think he would’ve liked the Motleys a lot if not necessarily the music, despite their obvious gospel influence. After all, Elvis was a sort of ’50s equivalent of the Crue, attitude-wise. So when our boys mangle the beat, speed up the tempo past recognition and throw in a beatifically inept fake ending, you can just bet that boss hounddog himself is up there strummin’ along on his harp.

Girls, Girts, Girls is so much fun, it could be the greatest party record of all time. Then again, it could be lower than the stuff that grows on a can opener if you don't wash it for about eight years. Hey—it’s the same thing either way, so let's grab some fun while it’s still summer!

Rick Johnson