METAL VIDEO

METAL VIDEO

Rick Johnson

That’s right, comrades! The fascist regime of video columnist Richard Riegel (aka Riggle) has been toppled and a new fascist regime (aka Reek) installed!

FLASH—Riggle Ousted In Brainless Coup!

So what, you ask? Sounds about as exciting as harboring a death wish, you say? Well listen up, porkchops—you’re gonna see some changes made bigtime ’cause there are major differences between me and ol’ wanker of the eon!

For example, Riggle has a real life day job. Reek has a real life. At this day job, Riggle knows his entire office staff on a first name basis. Reek knows his entire sperm count on a first name basis (Moe, Curly and Renee). Riggle and the Mrs. practice safe sex. Reek. . .practices.

Let me clue you in on a few of the smegtacular switcheroos you can expect to see in the new, improved Metal Video (now available in wafers). This first one is pretty rad: we’re gonna cover metal videos'. You’ll never ever see the name John Cougar Mellenhead here again just because the erstwhile author happened to have a kitty cat named after the Hoosier schmoozer. How ridic can you get? None of my cats are named after rock stars. They’re named after sexy actresses! And I’ll tell ya, male meowface Morgan is getting pretty confused.

If you’re looking for lots of MTV-bashing, better look elsewhere. But if you’re up for some VJ-bashing, this is the place! I mean, what is the story with this Carolyn goon anyway? Was her brain mathematically eliminated? Or is she just trying to “say it in wood”? ’Course, I wouldn’t kick her out of bed. Hell no, the Science Police’d nail me for cruelty to shellfish!

But seriously, I’m honored to join such fine columnists as Sylvie Simmons and... Chuck Eddy?\ I am so sure! Hey—I’ll get back to you later, buster, but right now I want to say hi to my pal Sylvie! How ya doin’, luv goddess? Listen, if you ever wanna have sex with an American again, gimme a ring on the telly or the bonnet or whatever you wacky limeys call it!

So, how to go about inaugurating this wonderful—albeit abbreviated—video column? Wait a minute, I know what let’s do! Let’s be scientific and turn on MTV right this very moment in “real” time and see what we get!

Bam bam bam, crash slam, wiggle ’n’ jerk etc.—you’re right!—it’s Europe’s “Rock The Night”! Sounds a lot like Quiet Hairpiece doing Joan Jett’s “I Love Rock ’n’ Roll,” doncha think? No, wait—great lyrical moves here! Gee, the very concept of “running out of thrills” is right up there with milling “about” or fighting a grim battle for existence! And look at this—the guy’s singing into a ketchup bottle instead of a mike! Gosh darn those unpredictable Svenskas!

Hold on, here comes another one. . .well, choke my gopher, it’s in black and white! Must be from Canada—yep, it’s Bryan Adams doing “Heat Of The Night”! Sheesh and double sheesh, Bryan, forget it! This guy shoulda quit after his first album! What am I saying? He did quit after his first album!

Oh yeah, before we go, let’s check out this obviously fictitious Chuck Eddy guy. Now, which is his column.. Chuck Off?.. . no, that's not it. Chuck Me, You Fool?... nah, that ain’t it either. Oh, here it is: Selectric Funeral, gee I wonder if Charles Edward thought that up all by his lonesome? Oh good, I see he covers all my favorite acts—Phantom Tollbooth, Pussy Galore, Streetwise Nun.. and looky here, “post-welding tumult’’-— hey that’s a pretty good line! And dig this hysterical ending: “If you want more helpful hints from me, you’ll have to wait for the next edition of this publication.’’ Where’s my Pulitzer Prize domination form?

Well, enough of this frivolity! Chuck, you schmuck, here’s a real ending for ya, not to mention an official policy statement from author to readers:

SAYONARA, SUCKERS!