CENTERSTAGE

CENTERSTAGE

HIGH SCHOOL EQUIVALENCY TEST

THE BEASTIE BOYS Hollywood Palladium _Feb. 7, 1987_

by Bill Holdship & John Kordosh

JOHN: This was not only the worst concert I’ve ever seen, it was actually the worst event I’ve ever been to. How do you feel about that?

BILL: Well, I basically agree with you, though I don’t know that I’d take it so far as to say it’s the worst event ... JOHN: I mean, I’m including the time I got arrested.

BILL: Well, I can think of other things that rate right up there with “worst event.” But I can think of a million other things I’d have rather done that night. Wash my hair. Cut my nails. Gone to the dentist... JOHN: We should mention that we did walk out of the concert before Run-DMC even came on.

BILL: Yeah, it’s important because people did say that’s where the concert picked up, and that Run-DMC were actually pretty good.

JOHN: No, it’s more important that we note that the concert was so bad that we left, even though we kinda wanted to see Run-DMC. But we were so turned off by the Beasties that we left the show in total disgust.

BILL: Well, let me ask you: Why do you hate the Beastie Boys?

JOHN: I hate them because they’re ugly. Not only physically ugly, they’re mentally ugly—and spiritually ugly, if I can go that far. I can appreciate stupidity. I can appreciate offensiveness. But I can’t appreciate a celebration of the ugliness of humanity.

BILL: The thing that should be pointed out is that both you and I grew up loving rock ’n’ roll. I know that I like things that offend people, especially people who deserve to be offended. I know you like things that even offend you personally. This isn’t the big deal. What I find offensive about the Beasties is the sheer stupidity of it. The show was just a celebration of stupidity. There was no talent displayed on that stage. A lot of people will think we’re like the old fuddyduddies who used to denounce rock ’n’ roll...

JOHN: Well, they’re wrong. Because, no, rock ’n’ roll wasn’t like that. Rock ’n’ roll isn’t like that. Rock ’n’ roll isn’t three ugly guys standing around, shouting, displaying no grace in the physical sense—-and no ability in the singing sense. At this particular show, they sang “Happy Birthday” to one of their members, and the fact is the guy couldn’t carry a note.

BILL: He couldn’t carry a tune at all! And people will think we’re old fuddy-duddies when I say that we could get up there and do the same thing. But mark my word, if you gave me the money they have behind them—and they have wealthy families, not to mention a huge record company behind them—you and I could get up there. We could spit beer on the audience—which is what they did for the whole show—yell “Motherfucker” over and over again, grab our crotches to insinuate that we have penises or something—and I really think that we might be able to come up with a better show. I know that we could come up with better music. After all, I didn’t hear any music for the 40 minutes we were there. JOHN: I think we could do better. I don’t know that we’d come up with a stupider show. We should mention the half-naked girl dancing in the bird cage, too. That was gratuitous sexism. It didn’t really offend me...

BILL: No, it didn’t offend me. It was just the fact that it was offensive for the sole purpose of being offensive. It was manufactured offensiveness.

JOHN: What did offend me were those giant cans of Budweiser they had behind them as a stage prop. I’ll go on record that I find the Beastie Boys so stupid and so ugly that I will actually not buy Anheuser-Busch products because of this. And I hope somebody from Anheuser-Busch reads this and gets it through their thick heads that this is not the way things should be. I’m not saying that the Beastie Boys should be censored or boycotted or anything like that. Ail I’m saying is that a smart corporation should not sponsor imbecility...

BILL: Are you saying this because... JOHN: Because I like Coors!

BILL: ... because probably 90 percent of the Beastie Boys’ audience is under age? JOHN: That is part of it.

BILL: Because don’t forget that the Who’s last tour was sponsored by a beer company, complete with commercials. JOHN: I’m down on corporate sponsorship in general, but I’ve never taken it to the extent that I wouldn’t buy a product because of it.

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BILL: It was pretty shameless.

JOHN: It was incredibly shameless. If Anheuser-Busch wants to be involved with three ugly guys standing around, spraying the audience with beer, using their microphones as dicks, that’s their

prerogative...

BILL: When you talk about using the microphone as a dick, it’s interesting to note that no one was more offensive onstage than Jim Morrison was at times. Who could offend audiences more than someone like Lou Reed did, verbally? But there was a reason behind their offensiveness. And people are saying that the Beasties are like Elvis in that they’re taking a black thing and transforming it into a white thing. But the difference is that Elvis was an exceptionally talented person who did his thing as well as the blacks did it before him. We saw RunDMC just briefly at the American Music Awards, and they were much more impressive. The Beasties don’t even do it well. JOHN: But then the argument is that that’s part of the Beasties’ schtick, to be stupid. And I think they’re talking stoopid with two “o’s.”

BILL: OK, but it’s definitely not the Ramones. It’s not the Sex Pistols. It’s not the Replacements, who really are—in a much more appealing manner—what the Beasties try to be. It’s not even the Three Stooges. Part of the problem, too, is some of the Beasties’ audience might not take it as a “stoopid” joke. They might buy it lock, stock and barrel as real life. I’m gonna go out, take some crack, beat up people who aren’t as “cool” as me, rape some women and shoot some guy in the face. Above everything else, it’s just not funny. In fact, it’s extremely mean-spirited. What is the purpose of it? What is the point?

JOHN: I guess the point is rebellion, but it’s the most pointless type of rebellion... BILL: I mean, let’s compare Lenny Bruce to the Beastie Boys.

JOHN: Yeah, I think there’s a lot of valid comparisons, but as far as I can see, almost everyone who preceded the Beastie Boys at least had something going for them. And I don’t think the Beastie Boys have anything at all going for them, other than their talent for making money. As far as I’m concerned, this thing is just a massive sham, and it should be exposed as such. People are being duped.

BILL: I agree. I saw them backstage at the Grammy Awards, and they come on like they’re trying to be rude smartasses. That’s fine and dandy, but they’re not funny. And that’s what’s gotta be stressed. Someone asked them why Michael Jackson wouldn’t let them cover "I’m Down,” and one of them said “Because he had a dick up his ass.” That’s not funny. It’s stupid.

JOHN: Maybe they should be pummeled to within an inch of their lives.

BILL: Well, certainly at least slapped up (laughter). Why do you think the critics have, for the most part, bought this group wholeheartedly? They just did extremely well in the Village Voice poll.

JOHN: Well, I’ll answer that honestly. I haven’t the faintest idea in hell. I think the critics who’ve embraced the Beastie Boys have actually lost their minds. They’re probably psychotic, will eventually be put away in mental institutions, and—maybe after a long treatment—they’ll emerge with a keener aesthetic. And a keener sense of the value of human life and human ambition.

BILL: Do you think that some of those critics are worried that they may be getting old, and therefore feel that they must embrace the Beasties because this is representative of the “young”?

JOHN: I would hate to think that’s true, although I’m not a mind reader...

BILL: Do you think some of the critics are embracing them because one or more of the older critics are saying that they like the Beastie Boys?

JOHN: I don’t think that. I mean, it’s possible. The fact is I don’t really care. I just wish that they would give me explicitly good reasons, logical reasons, any reasons, as to why the Beastie Boys are any good at all. Because when you see them in concert, you see them for what they really are—and that is nothing.