You may recall that we ended last month’s Video Video by commenting on the fact that that VH-1, the “adult contemporary” counterpart of MTV, seemed to have had S a real hand in helping turn Simply Red’s ‘‘Holding Back The Years” into a national hit. The song, which came out last fall, had been considered dead by all the usual industry standards but, true to its lyrics, it did indeed ‘‘keep holding on”— thanks, in no small measure, to the fact that VH-1 kept the tune in its rotation months after its Release—and, eventually, the song caught a following and began its slow but steady rise to the Top 10.

| Now we were going to just leave it at that, except that a recent glance at the charts revealed that still another song that’s (■een around for ages—Jermaine Stewart’s ‘‘We Don’t Have To Take Our Clothes Off” jjj-also has just entered hit territory, and damned if it isn’t another one that we noticed getting fairly regular video airings on VH-1 over the past few months. So it seemed to us that, in order to keep ourselves on tfiat proverbial cutting edge of video, we’d better check back in with a report on the latest doings on the mellow video trail. Now we all know that VH-1 is geared towards an older crowd. And, with that crowd apparently asserting itself, and in the interest of global peace, we pass along the following—conversational tidbits which you may want to draw on in case you find yourself watching VH-1 with your folks and want to impress them With how much of an ‘‘interest” you’re taking in their video world:

‘‘I kinda liked Anne Murray more before she cut her hair even shorter and started wearing those tight-fitting gold lame outfits. She used to look like the kind of woman who was nice and conservative on the outside, but once you got to know her, hubba hubba! Now she acts like she’d immediately deck you if you looked at her funny.”

‘‘Eric Carmen? Never heard of ’im.”

“I guess the Little River Band must have changed lead singers awhile back, ’cause in that second video we’ve se.en this hour, everybody’s hair is a lot more, er, groomed. Maybe they picked the new guy because he sounds like Billy Joel. Can’t help you much here, Mom—I never could tell them and Air Supply apart to begin with.”

‘‘I know it says S-A-D-E, but it’s pronounced ‘‘Shar-day,” Dad. Take my word for it. No, I don’t think it’s always raining when they shoot her videos. She just likes to stand around windows and get depressed, I guess.”

‘‘Dennis DeYoung? Never heard of ’im.”

‘‘You’re right! The blond haired guy in America does look just like David Letterman with glasses on! Amazing!”

‘‘As far as I know, the Oak Ridge Boys are a concept band. Each one is supposed to represent a different decade. From left to right it’s 70s, ’50s, ’60s, and ’80s. Actually, the bass singer used to be the ’50s, but then they made his hair stick up straight and wear loud jackets, so now he’s the ’80s.”

‘‘Level 42? Very nice boys.”

There you have it—just a sample of the kinds of things you can say to help ‘‘bridge the gap,” so to speak, with that up-andcoming older video generation.

SNAP SHOTS

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall: Belinda Carlisle, “Mad About You”—In which we get to watch the former Go-Go make goo goo (eyes, that is) at both the camera and her new hubby for four>of the most bizarrely narcissistic minutes this side of the last 10 Diana Ross videos. I can just see the ad: “Once, I was the successful but unfulfilled lead singer of a famous rock ’n’ roll band. Now, I have my own career and the man I love. How did I do it? Easy. The Grapefruit 45 Diet Plan—It really works! Aren’t I beautiful? Byeee!”fl And speaking of narcissism® Scientists Find More Proof That Living In California Causes Incurable Soft-ln-The-Headedness: David Lee Roth, “Yankee Rose”—The problem with this video is that neither the song nor the performance foolage can hold a candle to the allnight deli prologue. Diamond Dave does everything he can, from an opening mid-air split to a full screen in-your-face tush shot, but from the time the big black woman tells the panting Middle Eastern counterman, “Not if you were the last immigrant grocer on earth,” it’s all downhill. And, Dave, reallystealing wardrobe ideas from Stryper? Isn’t that a tad, er, sacrilegious?

Is This A Great Country Or What? Run-D.M.C., “Walk This Way”—talk about your cat scratch fever! This clip pits the ‘‘Rock Box” rappers from Queens against the “Sick As A Dog” hard rockin’ Beantown boys of Aerosmith in a fallscount-anywhere-in-the-building battle royale settled only by a rap-metal fusion that does everyone right proud. And damned if Steve Tyler still doesn’t look exactly like a cross between Mick Jagger and Carly Simon...

RETURN OF THE NATIVE

OZZY OSBOURNE The Ultimate Ozzy (CBS Fox Music Video)

Dave DiMartino

So, like, I guess I died, right? And I’m in this teeny little room where there’s a bunch of chairs and gray walls with lots of religious posters all over. It sucks! What’s worse is that I don’t even know I’m dead or anything.

I This dude walks in through the door with the great big ol’ grin on his face and he stares at me. “So,” he says, “you’re DiMartino, right?”

Yeah, I tell him.

“You’re dead, you know that?”

H No, I tell him, I didn’t.

I “Yeah, you must’ve got in a car wreck or something. I know that stuff, but it takes me awhile. Want me to check?” jj No. Who are you?

I “I’m God, dude! Dig it!”

I Gimme a break.

I “No, really, I mean it. I’m a happenin’ dude, man! I can do anything, be anywhere! Really! It’s great!”

II start to laugh. He gives me a dirty look.

I “Don’t you believe, man?”

H Yeah, sure. Sure I do. So what’s up, pal? Is this Hell or something?

“Hell? HAAAA-HAAAAfflAAAA!” The mofo nearly blows out my eardrums. “Not yet, sucked” He’s got this weird look on his face, like he’s checking me out or something. Oh yeah, he sort of looks like Kenny Rogers or Bob Seger or someone. “I gotta make the judgement,” he says.

H The judgement? m “Yeah. Like, you know, where you’re gonna end up.” i Heaven or Hell?

I “Yeah.” He’s quiet for a minute. “You’re Catholic, aren’t you? I mean, I made your dad come from Italy, so, like, you better be, right?”

Yeah.

“OK. Then you might go to Purgatory, too.”

Christ.

“Nope, he’s out eatin’.” He’s got this look on his face so I can’t tell whether he’s joking or not. “Maybe he’ll call you when he gets back from lunch.”

Right.

“OK,” he says, and he looks down at this big watch he’s wearing. “Let’s do this quick. You*do anything weird up there?”

What do you mean?

“You know. Weird.”

Like what?

“You know.”

I’m, like, quiet for a minute, too. The whole thing’s screwy.

“So?”

I give the guy—God, I guess—a dirty look. He gets pissed.

“I don’t have the time,” he says. “I got things to do.”

Yeah?

He shakes his head. It looks like he’s got food in his beard. It moves. “OK, babe, let’s Random Screen you.” The wall behind him turns into this TV set, like, but it’s got really great resolution—you can’t even see the lines or anything. I see this big logo that says “DiMartino— Last Day,” and the lettering’s like the logo on CREEM. Laff riot, right? And I’m in the picture, sitting on my couch. I’m drinking a Labatt’s Light, watching Ozzy Osbourne on TV. I guess my underarm’s itching, too.

“So,” says this guy, “you like Ozzy or something?”

I hear this kind of stuff all the time. Like, just because I work for a music magazine, everybody thinks they know what I like. I hate it.

No, man, I don’t.

“So,” he says, pointing at the picture, “why were you watching that videotape of his?”

To tell you the truth, I’m kinda floored.

It’s my job, man, I tell him. I gotta watch this stuff. Even when I don’t want to.

He looks me up and down, like I’m some kinda bug or something. “You think I like doing this?” His eyes get sort of, you know, mean. “You think / get to do stuff I always wanna do? HELL NO!” Then he calms down and starts grinning again. “Get it?”

Like, his jokes are lousy, too, right?

“So tell me, little Italian boy,” he says. It bums me out. “What’s your opinion of this Ozzy Osbourne dude?”

Between you and me, I used to be an altar boy. God talking like this really screws me up, you know? So I guess I kinda blow it. I don’t say anything.

“Wanna know what / think, pal?” God’s got this kinda smug, holier-than-thou look—which I guess he should have, things being the way they are and all. "I think the dude rocks\”

You think the dude rocks.

“You got it, man! And how\ Like, I mean, the guy’s all showbiz, you know? Listen to him!”

Even though I’ve already seen the video—and now I’m watching myself watching the video—I kind of get into it again. We watch for a while.

“The dude kicks, you know? And dig the rapport! ‘There’s some party animals out there!’ ‘Everybody go crazy! I love you!’' Talk about stage patter! The guy’s got it down\ Presley, Liberace and Ozzy! In their own way, a trinity—can you dig it?”

I’m still sort of looking at the guy.

“It’s true!” he says. “Thjs tape’s got it all—the new hits, that hot chick from the video, ‘Iron Man,’ ‘Paranoid,’ Jake E. Lee’s killer guitar riffs...” God looks kinda dreamy for a minute, then looks me right in the eyes. “Frankly, I dig the guy more than Randy—but don’t ever tell him that when you see him.”

Right.

God keeps raving for a couple of minutes and misses the part where Ozzy dresses up like J.R. in Dallas. I thought it was kinda corny when I first saw it, but decide not to say anything. Like, what if he disagrees?

“All told,” says God—and here he’s got this sorta pompous look in his eyes, like a lot of rock critics I know—“this tape you were watching is far out whether you dig Ozzy or not\”

Yeah, I tell him. I know. That’s just what I was gonna say. j

“So why didn’t you?”

The TV screen shuts off, and it’s like it’s just a small room with gray walls and religious posters again. Me and God. Too weird.

I guess I will say that, man, I tell him. If I get the chance to do it.

God stares at me, like I’m saying something real important. He’s quiet, so I keep talking®

Yeah, I say, that’s just what I’d say, if I could get the chance to do it all over again.

I kinda look at God wide-eyed and sorta innocent here, which usually works for me, you know?

“Tell you what, dude,” God says. “Let’s go out for pizza and talk about Dio for a while.” I

Like, man, I wasn’t even hungry, but I went, you know?

CLIPS

This month's Clips were written by Ira Robbins and Dave DiMartino

FAT BOYS ON VIDEO Brr Watch 'Em! (MCA Muusic Video)

, ‘Sex Machine”) and then proceeds through four nearly-as-swift realizations (especially “Stick ’Em” and “Hard Core Reggae”) directed by Simeon Softer. (The final clip, done very early in their career by Devo-ette Chuck Stettler, is too chintzy for words.) Amid virtually endless chowhounding, Prince Markie Dee, Cool Rockski and Human Beat-Box sing, rap, dance and carouse with mucho panache, showing their comedic skills well their

gusto. So pull up a chair, and watch dinner TV. I.R.

MTV’S CLOSET CLASSICS (Vestron) Revealed at last: the special a year or so ago. Anyway, what we’ve got here are 15 rockin’ bands performing hits from yesteryear. Lots are taken from German TV, I think—maybe not—including the Who doing “Magic Bus,” Cream doing “I Feel Free,’’and Hendrix doing “Wild Thing.” It’s all lip-synched. But from a rock curio standpoint, I’ve gotta admit upfront fascinaOf Metal Wisdoml pointment, I suppose, is the latter-day Byrds doing “So You Want To Be A Rock ’N’ Roll Star,” but the sight of a youthful Ozzy singing “Paranoid” with Black Sabbath makes up for it. Too bad the Grateful Dead clip (“One More Saturday Night”) is a recent one. Also too bad Mungo Jerry’s “In The Summertime” is not shown hourly on MTV even