PRIME TIME

PRIME TIME

A LAYMAN�S GUIDE TO MODERN FUN

by Richard C. Walls

According to the latest stats, 83 percent of all American house-holds now have a VCR on the premises. Or maybe it�s 38 percent. Either way, I remember that when I first read this figure (just where, I no longer recall), it struck me as an amazingly high percentage of American households; it was, after all, only a few years ago that the VCR was still considered a luxury item. To some extent, its transformation from obscure hobby device to basic home furnishing has to do with the march of technology, the vagaries of supply and demand, and all that ted ious stuff; more importantly, it�s the result of a belief that I and many of my fellow Americans share, mainly that a complete state-of-the-art home entertainment system is a basic, constitutionally guaranteed right. Really, what do you think �the pursuit of happiness� refers to anyway, miniature golf?

Anyway, since so many of us now own one of these suckers, I thought I�d throw together a few fun facts, helpful hints, etc., in that spirit of public service for which this column has become justly famous.

VHS vs. Beta: The conventional wisdom here is that Beta is better in every way than VHS and yet the latter sells like hot cakes, while the former�s ^market is dwindling by the minute—with the result that Beta tapes are slightly harder to get than VHS, and it�s gonna get worse (the grisly fate of the 8-track looms in the back of every Beta owner�s mind). There are a wide variety of unsatisfying explanations for this and rather than waste my limited space by going into them all, I�ll just mention my favorite. It happens to be that same handy oneword explanation which scientists use to disguise their bafflement about the origin of the universe, and which political analysts resort to when pressed to explain the

growing popularity of some neofascist crypto-used-car-salesman: �momentum.� People buy more VHS machines because they always have and it�s too late to stop now. So let�s leave it at that, adding only that even the meaning of the word �better� is hard to pin down in this context since partisans of each model can make nifty arguments by emphasizing different aspects of the VCR�s functions.

Taping Stuff Off TV: The most common timer-related mistakes are: forgetting to leave it on the correct station after you set the timer; forgetting that if you set it at, say, 11:45 p.m. right before you go to bed to tape something at, say, 12:10 a.m., you�re actually going to tape on a different day than the one in which you are currently existing (so to speak) and so must set the timer accordingly; forgetting to put tape in the machine (which is one of those mistakes which can make you feel really small). When I first got my VCR, I made one or another of these errors about four times a week.

Renting And Buying Tapes To Play: Why anybody would want to rent, let alone buy, a copy of Beverly Hills Cop (currently -a hot cassette item) is beyond me—unless they don�t have access to cable. That�s different. But if you do have cable, just plug into a few movie stations (in terms of number and range The Movie Channel and Bravo are the best; Cinemax is so-so; HBO and Showtime are strictly for dabblers) and you�ll never have to rent or buy again, �cause sooner or later every film ever made everywhere is going to show up on cable.

Music videos are another matter, since their success or failure is usually judged by how well they meet the qualifications for obsessive re-viewing (and listening). Tracking down music videos also gives you the opportunity to find out just how shockingly ignorant most video store employees are about the product they sell (�Abbott and Costello? Sure, we got �em.� �No, no, Elvis Costello, it�s a �best of music video.� �Musicals? There�s a whole rack of �em over there, Oklahoma, you name it...�).

Which leaves pornography, but gosh darn it, I�ve run out of space.