METAL MANIA: THE '80s (SO FAR) & INTO THE '90s!

METAL MANIA: THE '80s (SO FAR) & INTO THE '90s!

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Rick Johnson

Did anybody get the license number of that decade?

The 1980s, I mean. Can you believe they’re already half over? After all those years of waiting to see what 1984 would be like it turns out to be a mere Van Halen album!

I must admit that, before I hit the Archives (repeatedly with an impact wrench) I didn’t think anything had happened in the '80s. Oh sure, a bunch of people died and some of ’em weren't even in Friday The 13th movies, but that about covers it.

The ’80s did spit up a few developments, however. An unknown English band named Def Leppard went from their very first American LP to seven million Pyromanias sold to disaster. Kiss went from the top of the heap to the bottom and back up to the top again (see ya in the next pit, guys). And David Lee Roth went through more girls’ underpants than the rest of us did nosehairs.

You don t need the combined IQ of the Solid Gold Dancers to realize that things are happenin’ daddeo! Let’s cut this short (OK, if you insist) and see who they’re happenin’ to!

1980

Joe Perry decides to go solo as Columbia announces total sales of 15,000,000 Aerosmith LPs for the 70s...AC/DC singer Bon Scott is found dead of an alcohol overdose in the back

seat of his car...Van Halen release Women And Children First, the biggest socio-political development since the plastic blanket bag...the master tape of Judas Priest’s British Steel is kidnapped and held for ransom... Peter Criss leaves Kiss and is replaced by Eric Carr...David Lee Roth gets busted in Cincinnati for smoking onstage...Def Leppard release their first American LP, On Through The Night...Black Sabbath’s Heaven & Hell has as its cover feature a group of angels smoking cigarettes way before Van Halen’s muchmaligned copy, about as big an honor as being the first pulsating blob movie...Kiss announce plans for their own brand of designer jeans...Zep drummer John Bonham chokes to death on his own vomit after downing over 40 shots of vodka in one drinking session.

1981

Heavy metal begins takeover, of CREEM Readers Poll, with AC/DC’s Back In Black the #2 LP (after Springsteen’s The River), the Aussies and Van Halen making big moves in Group category (won by something called the Clash) and Def Lep ranking as the second most popular new group, right behind the Pretenders... Wendy O. Williams of the Plasmatics is arrested for obscenity in Milwaukee. Wendy’s claims that cops sexually assaulted her are refuted by top police brass, who insist officers just wanted to squeeze her and make sure she was fresh...Eddie Van Halen finally takes Dave's advice to "say it with pork” and marries Valerie BertinellL.Van Halen release Fair Warning, the most important technological advance since the Admiral refrigerator with Party Ice Effect...boil order is issued for Angus Young’s front teeth... Asia “form”...Boxcar Willie’s brilliant King Of The Road LP is unleashed...some jerk named G. Walter Pressley is sentenced to a 20-year gig with the Texas Dept, of Corrections on statutory rape charge stemming from his almost-successful impersonation of Styx guitarist James Young...elsewhere, Young is sentenced in absentia to 20 years of keeping the toilet in Murph’s 76 Station "swimming pool clean" for impersonating a humanoid... Grand Funk Railroad reform... David Lee Roth takes out paternity insurance...Bruce Dickinson replaces Paul Di'Anno as Iron Maiden front man...Pat Benatar admits to having "gone over the whole tour bus” with Windex on her day off! Oh yeah? How about some ant poison, mandible-face?

1982

Ozzy Osbourne's Diary Of A Madman tour is marred by tragedy as guitarist Randy Rhoads is killed in freak planebus collision...a lesser tragedy occurs in Des Moines, Iowa when Ozzy bites the head off a live bat for the fans. Unfortunately, the Ooze has to undergo PRS (Painful Rabies Shots) when the possibly-rabid bat escapes...Pat Benatar and Neil Geraldo finally get hitched. Well, you know what they say, it takes a stiff rod to catch the big fish...Triumph drummer Gil Moore is arrested in Cincinnati for telling the crowd to flick their Bics...Foreigner get even uglier...Van Halen release Diver Down, the greatest achievement by mankind since A & W's patented Frosty Mug Sensation...June issue of Playboy pictures a Joan Jett lookalike in the nude. Joan considers "tremendous lawsuit." Lookalike considers tremendous plastic surgery...Ace Frehley leaves Kiss.

1983

Ian Gillan is ordered by physician to stop singing for nine months or risk permanent damage to vocal cords...nobody told him the doc was deaf...Motley Crue receive first review from CREEM: “These guys can't play, sing or write.” Could it be magic?...Led Zep’s post-existence LP Coda is released...heavy metal kicks ass bigtime in CREEM Readers Poll, capturing 10 of the top 25 albums and 15 of the 25 “best” groups, not to mention David Lee Roth’s twin wins in Sex Object Of The Year and Most Pathetic...the First Annual Miss Nude Heavy Metal contest, organized by Motley Crue when they weren’t too busy having sex with fuseboxes, is canceled by outraged Santa Monica authorities... Def Lep’s Pyromania hits the stores...Kissist Gene Simmons has his photo album of nude groupies stolen in Florida...US Fest organizers stage the infamous Heavy Metal Day, which proves to be the big breakthrough for Motley Crue and Quiet Riot in particular... Black Sab wacker Tony lommi names his new baby daughter after himself. No, not Squidnose, Toni...meanwhile, the Sabs fire Ronnie James Dio, claiming “he was trying to take over.” Take over what, their Class Three Licensed Waste Water Treatment Plant Operator permit?...Ian Gillan is hired as Dio’s replacement. Uh-oh, looks like they didn't read that first item...Iron Butterfly reform...the Crue unleash Shout At The Devil. As the ad for Horror Hotel said, just ring for doom service...Quiet Riot’s Metal Health tops four million sales...the sun is busted in Cincinnati for shining onstage... goofy Bruce of Iron Maiden playfully removes the top half of a Miss Iron Maiden contestant’s costume, who announces a jillion-peso lawsuit the next day. Legally speaking, this is called getting your pitchfork stuck on your own britches.

1984

Jimmy Page and Paul Rodgers begin secret project at Jimmy’s digs...The Silent Network— programmed exclusively by the hearing-impaired for the hearing-impaired—begins first year of cable broadcasts...Def Loop’s Pyromania goes over SEVEN MILLION sold, all-time best for a metal album...Vince Neil has tons of fun. First, he’s arrested at L.A.’s Rainbow Bar after punching out a drunk girl who objected to his outfit—an official U.S. Marine Corps uniform. The next day, he’s nabbed by Newport Beach fuzz for carrying an empty beer bottle (they didn’t say where on his “person”)...Van Halen, huge Eurythmic admirers that they are, release 1984, possibly the biggest step for modern culture since the automatic lightning rod honer...W.A.S.P.’s tuneful “Animal (Fuck Like A Beast)” is banned in England...Vinnie Vincent leaves Kiss...Nikki Sixx applies for Olympic torch-carrying honors on Sunset Blvd. but is unanimously rejected. In protest, he sets fire to nearby shrubbery after first checking its ID to make sure it’s not Mick Mars. No sportsmanship medal for Nikki this yearL.Aerosmith reform. The National Commission On Aging is duly notified... Twisted Sister go platinum with Stay Hungry...Latest Kiss lead guitarist Mark St. John “takes” ill and is replaced by Bruce Kulick for at least the next 10 minutes...Judas Priest fans rip all the foam rubber out of the seats at Madison Square Garden and hurl it stageward but, try as he might, Rob Halford can’t get all of it down his pants...the year ends on a sour note (C flat?) (not funny!) as Def Lep’s Rick Allen loses his left arm in car crash. Surgical reattachment fails to take— maybe you shoulda hooked it to his shoulder, doc!...in another accident, Hanoi Rocks thumper Razzle is killed in Redondo Beach, Calif, with Vince Neil at the wheel.

1985

Ratt’s Out Of The Cellar disc goes over two million sales... Kiss & Tell reveals the shooting of Van Halen’s “Hot For Teacher” video degenerated into an orgy when “liquor and inhalants were freely distributed.” It's funny what Bud Light and Sinex will do to some people...Jimmy ’n’ Paul’s Firm line-up is completed with Chris Slade and Tony Franklin and they head out on an American tour...metal music continues stranglehold on CREEM Readers Poll. Hey, lookit this—they musta made a mistake on Rock Critic of the Year!...Ozzy O. is no longer the only metal star who can mud wrestle himself as he emerges from the Betty Ford Dryout Home looking slim and good{?\) after having his senses rotated...Dee Snider insures his hair. Against what, ribbon-cutting ceremonies?... Rudy Sarzo splits Quiet Riot and Jake E. Lee exits Ozzy’s band...Scorpion Rudy Schenker nearly pokes out his own eye with a guitar onstage in Rio and later receives 16 stitches. Next time, aim it at your singer’s lousy chickenlips...the '85 MTV awards spit on metal as usual. Metal stars plan their own "We Are The World”styled benefit recording as revenge.

1990 And Beyond!

The ’90s promise to be another boom boom decade for metal. The 70s gave the music a name (Jim Croce). The ’80s rammed it down America’s throat until even network news anchors knew what heavy metal meant. And the ’90s? Let’s extrapolate the trends a bit and see what comes up, or pretends to come.

Way back in the 70s, heavy metal achieved its initial popularity (in part) as something of a reaction against disco on the one hand and early punk-rock on the other. The ’80s reaction was against both the nerdishness and subsequent pretentiousness of new wave.

The reaction for the next decade could go either of two ways. Some groups will undoubtedly try to top the antics of outfits like Motley Crue and Motorhead. Short of filing an official Signed Letter of Scrambled Service Intent with MTV and/or Life Itself, it’s gonna be tough thinking up new outrages.

Musically, the rebellion against Pomp Metal (no contest vs. Circumstance) has already begun in the form of lickety-thick acts like Metallica and Armored Saint. Of course, once this batch plateau-out, the whole damn Pennzoil-Penske Supertruck will start up all over again. This is called bopdiddlin’ the febrile tendril by musicologists.

The other direction metal could take is total wimp, just for the pure contrariness of it. These characters, after all, will do anything to get attention, including Tony Orlando haircuts (instead of Dawn), mutant unisex tuxedos and cover versions of cupid drivel such as “Like A Virgin” and anything by Wham!

One trend we’re certain to see is band members going the solo route. See how good it worked for Joe Perry? The success of commie ginkgoes like Ozzy and Dio right on down to Joe Lynn Turner is hard to ignore, although I've certainly done my part.

This goes hand-in-concretemitten with the flurry of breakups in major acts like Quiet Riot, Iron Maiden and Ozzy’s various Blizzards. It’s especially prevalent among the goaltenders of megasuccess such as the aforementioned who figure, hey—I'm set for life (thanks to Slade) so why put up with a jerk like Kevin DuBlow anymore? Watch for lots of "irreconcilable musical differences” in Van Halen, the Crue, Kiss, Ratt and Def Leppard.

Conversely (perversely some say) you can expect practically any group that’s ever split up to reform for a comeback tour. This time around it’s been Aerosmith, Grand Funk and Purple Deep. Next decade, it’ll be Van Halen (Eddie needing dollars for alimony and David Lee Roth just...need/'ng), Iron Maiden (with four or five different line-ups on tour simultaneously) and Motley Crue (Vince finally gets out of the slammer).

Next trend: more women! Awrite! Females will be at the forefront of many new acts. Current distaff muttettes like Joan Jett, Lita Ford, Rock Godd-HAWHAWHAWHAWHAW!! Sorry, I mean Rock Goddess and Girlschool are just the tip of the liceberg. Right this very minute, there are zillions of girls practicing guitar moves at bedroom mirrors worldwide in a sort of mass hypnotic Hopi corn-grinding dance. Like the primitive gymnosperms of 300 million B.C., some of ’em are bound to make it.

Finally, not to mention ultimately, there will always be a trend towards trends. (Special service for lost readers: YOU ARE HERE). What I mean is. the music industry, like the paramecium, needs fads, movements and cycles to perpetuate itself. Metal’s already reached its peak for the ’80s and is beginning the inevitable downslide. Wheeeee!

Come 1990, however, and all of a sudden, the record companies will "discover” a bunch of heavy metal bands in some unlikely place like Elmoville, III. They’ll have real clever names like Kitchen Magician, Insult 2 Injury and Woos!, they’ll do shiny videos, get busted a lot, go platinum and O.D. and all that good stuff.

And finally, Cincinnati itself will be busted for a partly sunny day.