THE EMPEROR'S NEW BANDS

Perhaps the oddest order passed down from the throne of Emperor Elmo in 1985 was his "New Bands" Doctrine. Those who might not have read His Greatness's pronouncement in the paper may need a recap: due to all the terrible music being performed today, the Royal Emperor has decreed that all of today's smash rock hitmakers must be executed at once—or at least as soon as possible—to make room for some new bands.