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Madonna: Is She, Indeed, Human?

After viewing rock starlet Madonna during her recent American tour, the entire staff at ROCK-SHOTS would like to make a few points—to you, the discerning reader. Perhaps you’re one of the many who’ve recently heard certain “rumors” about the woman.

October 3, 1985

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Madonna: Is She, Indeed, Human?

After viewing rock starlet Madonna during her recent American tour, the entire staff at ROCK-SHOTS would like to make a few points—to you, the discerning reader. Perhaps you’re one of the many who’ve recently heard certain “rumors” about the woman. You know what we mean—bad rumors. We here at ROCK-SHOTS are fully aware of those rumors, and we are disgusted. And we’d like to put an end to them. Thus, the facts: Madonna is not a space alien sent to earth by her scientist father Gavdip! Madonna does not ingest food through the roots of her hair! Madonna does go to the bathroom just like you and me—even though there are no documented cases, we feel very strongly about this. And, finally, Madonna does not suck the libidinal energies of her various audiences—as a common leech would—to become so powerful a being that she might at any minute cause all humans to age so rapidly that they would become mere piles of dust in seconds! Nope, Madonna is just a girl—and what a girl she is! As you might’ve seen in a recent issue of Playboy, where she appeared completely naked!

"Rumors about me marrying this very magic marker? Stuff and nonsense!"