Once upon a time there were two cows standing in a field. These cows looked exactly alike—same size, height, weight and the same spots on their backs. Well, one day the first cow said to the second cow: “How come we look so much alike?” And the other one replied, “Because we are the same cowl!”
The CREEM Archive presents the magazine as originally created. Digital text has been scanned from its original print format and may contain formatting quirks and inconsistencies.
Address your letters to:
Mail Dept., CREEM Magazine,
P.O. Box P-1064, Birmingham, MI 48012.
“SAME COW” SCENARIO PLAYED TO LOGICAL CONCLUSION
Once upon a time there were two cows standing in a field. These cows looked exactly alike—same size, height, weight and the same spots on their backs. Well, one day the first cow said to the second cow: “How come we look so much alike?” And the other one replied, “Because we are the same cowl!”
ElJay II
Caledonia, MI
CAPS SHUNNED!
’Scuze me for prying, but what happened to those infamous CREEM Captions? I opened up the August ’85 issue, expecting the irreverence (and irrelevance) that I’ve known and loved since ’79, and WHAT DO I GET? Out-takes from somebody’s high school yearbook. Is this some sort of twisted joke? “The Vipers with a psychedelic backdrop”.. “Jason & The Scorchers—an American rock band for the ’80s”...not to mention the lamest captions ever printed in your BACKSTAGE section. What’s up, y’all? Are you getting old and bloated and useless like Jann Wenner? There was no mention of Bobo in the entire goddamn issue, yet you still expect me to renew my subscription? I NEED MY WACKINESS FIX, DAMMIT! Aside from being the best music mag in the country (Melody Maker remains the best overall), you’re also a hell of a lot funnier than National Lampoon (which tries) or Rolling Stone (which is unintentionally funny—the only mag in the U.S. to give Perfect a good review; guess why?). So march this alleged caption writer out to a showing of Return To Oz. That’ll teach him. Otherwise, next month it’ll be, “Moments such as this make Prom special for all” or somesuch nonsense. Act before it’s too late.
Sambo (America’s Hero)
Chicago, IL
OK! The new CREEM’s here. Let’s give it a look-see. Nice putdown of Madonna on the cover. I’m sure I’ll like the article...by Rick Johnson, awright! I know it won’t be disappointing like the story Laura Fissinger did on her (for her, I should say) in Record. “Maybe she’s good,” indeed!
Hmm. Where’s the Consumer Guide? Last month they said Christgau’s on vacation. He sure takes long vacations. Well, why should Reagan be the only one?
Hey, WAIT A MINUTE! What’s with these captions? They’re not funny! Barely a tee-hee in the whole issue. Even the “Backstage” captions are serL.um, unfunny! Lemme check the editorial credits...no, nobody gone or new there. So what the heck happened to the funny captions?
CREEM, wise up! Bring back the funny captions AND Christgau or I’m gonna tell people Spin is my favorite Rock mag! (It isn’t, really, but the pages are bigger.)
Artie Brooks
Bridgeport, CT
Oh CREEM, look at what you’ve done to my dialectic! Perusing through the August issue at first glance I was dumbfounded with anger at the flat and homely nature of the photo captions. After reading the Madonna article (and the captions were the only good writing for that piece) I told myself to relax, slow down, wait caimly for the September issue.. .the joke was on me. It’s almost impossible to write interesting articles about boring “new” talent like Bon Jovi and Autograph anyway, and with all your best departments either defunct or on vacation you may as well be like any of America s other unrock and unroll magazines like It Parader or Seriocuss. Now that Mom and Dad have filled me in on what every artist on your June and July calendar sounds like I never want to hear a record made by anyone born after the year 1959 again!
The Furu
North Bennington, VT
Aii right—here’s the 10 cent question: WHO WROTE THE CAPTIONS TO THE PHOTOS IN THE AUGUST ’85 ISSUE???!!!! MISTER ROGERS???!!! Maybe. Where do you guys get off hiring a priest to write straight captions? Or maybe you think they’re funny! The Eurythmics—“Dave and Annie enjoy a joke!” I pissed over that one! Or “Jason & The Scorchers—an American rock ’n’ roll band of the ’80s.” I laughed for a week! Or Autograph—“A classic guitar pose.” I tell ya, if I laughed any harder, I woulda needed an operation! A saliva test would have been more appropriate if I had really laughed over these pathetic wastes of ink!
What the hell’s going on?! What happened to stuff like Iron Maiden—“Make way for son of flubber” or R.E.O. Speedwagon—“Personality battle—the wallpaper wins!” If you guys go straight, you can also go straight to hell. I wanna laugh, not get straight info! That’s why I started reading CREEM anyway!
If you guys don’t get funny again, you’re gonna lose a bunch of readers (what little you have left now)! And the Backstage page was boring as hell, too!
Ha-Ha Hoe
Brooklyn, NY
This looks like a perfectly nice letter, all typed and everything, doesn’t it? Well, it’s not!! What’s with all of this bullshit? Maybe you’re getting old?!? Are your underwear a little too tight?!? I was just reading the August ’85 issue, and before I knew it, my mother was screaming at me because I was snoring too loud!
And what’s the deal with the cheapo Hong Kong paper? I got some news for ya: CREEM fans, or should I say former CREEM fans, like me, are not willing to pay $1.95 for this crap!
I have but one last request—get a new caption writer!!
You know, someday I hope to be a journalist for a prestigious newspaper or magazine, and lately CREEM is an insult to my intelligence.
Debbie Siegel
Commack, NY
I was pretty disappointed with your August issue. The captions with the pictures were extremely unfunny. In fact, they sounded like something out of Teen Beat and others of their ilk. I hope this is only temporary because every month I’ve looked forward to a good yuk from your magazine. The captions really made CREEM stand out above the rest of the rock ’n’ roll magazines. Please! Get your sense of humor back!
D. Beck
Sterling Heights, Ml
P.S. I really enjoyed your July issue, especially the article on Prince.
P.P.S. Hope your next issue has lots on Sting’s new album.
YUM!
You guys are the best. So sensitive and honest. Never verbose and always on the mark. Frequently you put virgins on the cover, and this is good. I’ve bought your magazine more than any other, three times, and the article by Rick Johnson entitled “The Many Myths Of Madonha!” was even more informative than either Crime or Rolling Bones, so I may buy it next month too. I wrote you all a poem to show my love:
CREEM is good CREEM is bad.
It’s like vanilla pudding,
On a heating pad.
Honestly. You guys burn wit a passion no body can match.
Barney Wynn
Ann Arborland, Ml
CANONIZED AT LAST!
If we go to see the movie St. Elmo’s Fire will we finally get to find out who Elmo is?
Sharks,
Lancaster, PA
