CHAINMAIL

CHAINMAIL

Hey, we sure appreciate all those letters you've been sending us! We appreciate 'em so much, in fact, that we're gonna print ’em so that everybody can share in your ofttimes poignant observations, interesting opinions and astonishing statements of fact. Send your letters to:

CHAINMAIL, CREEM’s Close-Ups P.O. Box P-1064 Birmingham, Ml 48012

TURNER OVER?

There once was a writer called Gregg Turner. He chose to write bad things about a group called the Godz. This occurred in a METAL CLOSE-UP magazine. His picture is now hanging in a biker hang-out (on an Angry Samoans album). We are on the look-out. We here in Columbus, Ohio, loved the Godz. This Gregg Turner is now in danger, because we will destroy him if he ever shows up in Columbus. We have notified certain police and S W A T, team people. They are on our side. Woody Hayes, he is on our side. We also told Lou O'Neill, Jr. He is also on our side. Microwave Ted Chestnut Wepking Doug "Slaughter” Bryntello Columbus, Ohio

(And if we know Lou, he's right behind you.—Ed.)

TWO LETTERS ABOUT MOTLEY CRUE THAT WARRANT CAREFUL SCRUNITY

Ya know, Motley Crue is a good band considering they just got lucky in this world But seriously, they’ve got some good tunes like “Red Hot,” “Live Wire,” etc...(so much for “Stick To Your Guns”). How long will they last? Do they really give a shit? Like, I mean, Vinnie Wharton being charged with a death, who knows what’s next for Nikki Sixx? Mick Mars might even blow his brains up someday with all that computer shit. Like, do they care? I doubt it! With all the dope they do...fuck, you can see it in their eyes, not their make-up, clothes or even their ranuchy hair styles. Nikki Sixx looks plump and juicy! Maybe he's the only one who will fly straight if he'd stop smashing into goddamn walls.

Natasha Ottawa, Ontario Canada

(Do you think?—Ed.)

Last year when Motley Crue came to Texas I had the pleasure of a backstage pass and meeting them. The impression I got was one of the most outrageous group of guys that really know how to party. They really care about their fans to the T. [The T! Pity the fools!—Ed.]

I was nervous at first because I didn’t know how in the fuck to act, but Vince Neil [isn’t he the married one?—Ed.] just came up to me, handed me a brewski and said, "Relax.” Nikki Sixx was patient with me when I wanted to use a whole roll of film on taking his picture. He even grabbed somebody to tak a pic of us together. After the party backstage I was invited by them to go with them on their bus to party some more along with three other ladies. Not only do Motley Crue know how to rock, but they know how to do a lot of other things to sheer perfection as well.

Unsigned,

Benton, TX

(That’s just great.—Ed.)

LETTER FROM SELF-ADMITTED CROOK WHO LIKES VAN HALEN

I love David Lee Roth and Van Halen! But I wish that the people who write in saying how much they hate Van Halen or Dave would keep their fucking comments to themselves! I’m sure that many other Van Halen fans feel this way, so I’m saying it for them, too!

“Sticking Up For Van Halen”

Riverdale, IL

BUT FINALLY, SOME PERSPECTIVE

Van Halen this, Van Halen that! What’s happening to heavy metal? As soon as a grotesquely overrated group like Van Halen mellows out and gets a hell of a lot worse they get voted every award they could win. WHY? Kiss, Deep Purple and AC/DC are the only legit heavy metal groups left and if things stay the way they are going they will remain the only ones. Eddie is too worried about playing his sissy synthesizer to be a good guitarist, and even if he wasn't, Jimmy Page, Angus Young and Blackmore are the ones who should top the Greatest Guitarists list. Look, Eddie can go on tour with New Edition and Ratt, Crue and Twisted Sister can join up with Culture Club and make some more crummy albums!

Dean Kim

Riverside, CT (Way to be!—Ed.)

“IT?”

Sorry to hear about the attack dog biting Joan Jett’s ass. Maybe she deserved it, though, after all the ass she’s kicked in concert! Speaking of Joan, you should have a centerfold of her for all her fans waiting for a concert.

Another idea is a Runaways reunion. Joan and Lita (along with Cherie, Sandy and Jackie) would show the macho leather boys what true rock ’n’ roll is all about.

Readers: if you haven’t heard Joan’s and Lita’s newest albums, Glorious Results Of A Misspent Youth and Dancin’ On The Edge, run to the nearest record store and get acquainted with two of rock’s greatest guitarists and singers! Keep it up, Lita and Joan!!

Marilyn Sanders and Jessica Coale

Fairfield, IL

(But they're girls!—Ed.)

JABBIN’ BOUT JABS

I love Matthias Jabs. I even named my dog Matthias and someday, when I have a child, I will name him or her Matthias. I’m not crazy about the name, we’ll call it Matt for short, but if it’s a girl we’ll call her Matti. Don’t ask who the "we” is, ’cause I don’t know yet—my husband, I guess. Too bad Matthias is already married, but all good things must come to an end, even marriages! If I had just one wish in the world, I would first wish for three more wishes and then wish for Matthias Jabs, and then wish for him again, and then wish for three more wishes, and then wish for Matthias...and so on. I am not (or don’t like to think I am) another sex-starved teeny-bopper who is in love with a rock star, because I’m not, really!

I just think that Matthias is gorgeous and I would seriously like to jump his bones. But I’m not in love with the dude; face it, I don’t even know him. But would it be possible to print a fully enlarged life-sized scratch ’n’ sniff poster of the guy? I would be your best friend.

"Bolsay-May”

Dana Point, CA

P.S.: If you print this, I will get 10 extra credit pionts [sic] in my English class at school. J need them, too.

(No kidding.—Ed.)

IF MOMMY ANSWERS, HANG UP!

Hi! I wrote you before about what I’m gonna ask you. You said you didn’t know, but I have more info on it.

Is there any way you could give me the address or anything to Randy Rhoads’s mom? I know she lives in Santa Monica and she owns a music store in North Hollywood called Musonia. I will pay or do anything to get info on her address or phone number. Sorry if I bugged you.

Jeni Lori

Spring Valley, CA

(You could try 202-456-1414, although we don’t recommend it.—Ed.)

RE: BOBO

Come on guys, what’s the deal? I like your mag a lot, but I can’t handle all the crap you write about the Devil!

Sure there’s got to be bands that glorify Satan like Grim Reaper, W.A.S.P., etc....but, hey, you don’t have to advertise it!! Why don’t you show the good side of rock ’n’ roll, bands like Foreigner, Lita Ford, Journey, etc.—even Christian rockers Stryper. They’re totally into rock but also into the Lord; I think that’s cool. So, hey, think about it for a minute. It’s bands like Grim Reaper who give rock 'n' roll a bad name and imply that all heavy metallists worship Satan.

God Bless You,

Brian Fish

El Paso, TX

LETTER FROM MOM!

Certain forces lurking where Equinox used to be. A certain Pecko Duck bringing a new blue guitar to a certain wizard in Boleskine like a birb on a wing. Some are Druidic hermits. Watch the moon: Cancer & Capricorn are drawn together like the sea towards the moon. Crystal, lace and candles.

A Scot in California

San Diego, CA

(So it’s lunch on Tuesday, then?—Ed.)

SAME OLD LETTER, PART 862

I'm getting sick of this shit about pop bands like Van Halen, Twisted Sister, Ratt, and Motley Crue being called the best bands. All these bands do is stand up onstage and make asses out of themselves and scream through the microphone. You go to a concert to be entertained and have a good time. Bands like Led Zeppelin, the Who, Stones, Doors, Dead, Hendrix, Floyd entertained you! People these days don’t listen to the old music or give credit to the legends. Why don’t you put some real bands in your magazine?

B.U.

Stalbans, UT (Because.—Ed.)

ARE WE BORN YOU YET?

Could you please help clear up some confusion?! I always thought that Van Halen’s Michael Anthony was born on June 20, 1954. While looking through a book of celebrity birthdays, I came across fwo dates (in the same book!). They were June 20, 1955 and July 20,

1954. Now I am TOTALLY CONFUSED!! Do you have any idea which date is correct? If so, please publish it along with the other guys’ (Van Halen’s) birthdays.

“Totally Confused’’

Raleigh, NC

(Michael Anthony was born on July 20, 1955, in Chicago. He was also born on June 20, 1954. Strangely enough, he was—furthermore—born on July 20, 1954. Then there was June 20,

1955, the day he was born. Hope that clears this up once and for all.—Ed.)

DOKKEN MAKES DANVILLE ILL.!

We have to be Dokken’s best fans in the whole world. We liked your article about them in your last issue. We had the pleasure of partying with them when they were in Danville. It’s nice to know that Dokken is finally getting a little bit of recognition for the music they play. Dokken put on a great show during and after the concert! If you’re reading, George Lynch and Jeff Pilson, we love the hell out of you! See you in September, George!?!

Stephanie N.

Missy N.

Danville, IL

WAIT, THESE ARE TWO QUESTIONS

I just have one question for you. Who the hell does Bill Holdship think he is? (Besides a lazy slob and male chauvinistic pig?).

Loyal Reader

San Francisco, CA

I have but one question for you. WHEN IN THE SAM-HILL IS MOTLEY CRUE’S NEW ALBUM GOING TO BE OUT?

Please let me know soon.

A Fan In Need Of New Crue

J. Olcott

Chelan, WA

(As soon as Bill Holdship gives the word.—Ed.)

LISTLESS!

Hey, betcha you guys don’t know who the 10 sexiest men in Heavy Metal are! Do ya? Well, I'm gonna tell ya!

According to the pictures in your mag and videos on MTV: here is the list of the 10 sexiest men in Heavy Metal!

1. Joe Elliott (Def Leppard)

2. Glenn Tipton (Judas Priest)

3. Nikki Sixx (Motley Crue)

4. Vince Neil (Motley Crue)

5. Ozzy Osbourne (of bathead fame!)

6. Jon Bon Jovi (Bon Jovi)

7. Warren DeMartini (Ratt)

8. Bruce Dickinson (Iron Maiden)

9. Stephen Pearcy (Ratt)

10,Jake E, Lee (Ozzy’s band)

Welp! I thought you might like to know that! If not, I told you anyway! Nyah!

Please print this, ’coz one of the ten guys might see it. They need to know how many metal girls lust for them! Lots!

Your Metal Close-Up is great! Thanks for the Def Leppard story and pictures! Love your mag!

Metal Maiden

Chapel Hill, NC

ONE LAST CHEER FOR MRS. FINN

I am writing to you in response to Anastasia Finn’s article about The Yardbirds vs. Motley Crue in your most recent Metal Rock ’N’ Roll. I have been picking up your magazines for quite a while now and one thing I never have been able to understand is the way you put down groups. Think about this: the people who buy your magazine are people who like the groups you picture on the cover. Where did you ever get the idea that people want to buy a magazine where their favorite groups are put down? Your magazine has not one serious or informative article in it. The only reason I buy it is because of the pictures. Now you may only care about what sells magazines but don’t you think you might sell more if you created a better goodwill with the public who likes these groups you put down? I have learned to disregard most of the garbage you say about my favorite groups but when I read Ms. Finn’s article I could barely contain my desire to stick an axe in her head. First: the article was not needed in any way, shape or form. It satisfied nobody’s needs for such an article. Second: this is a very unprofessional article which has nothing that makes you think an actual rock critic wrote it. I mean you can sit any idiot in front of a typewriter and tell them to voice their derogatory opinions of someone they don’t like. Third: if that is what these people understand then I am only too happy to oblige—I don’t need to have some over-the-hill bitch call Motley Crue names just to please herself (I doubt many readers of that article enjoyed it except maybe other old farts who don’t understand what’s going on). Who gives a shit if she’s been married 28 fucking years, she won’t make 29 if I or any other Crue fan ever sees her. What credentials does she have to put down another person’s favorite group? I don’t personally care for the Yardbirds but that doesn’t mean they are (were) talentless nothings and nor do I go around trying to piss people off with my opinions.

Everybody is entitled to like whatever music they like in this country or wherever else they live no matter what I or anyone else thinks. What I really hate about this old bitch is the fact that she goes around criticizing things she doesn’t understand which accomplishes nothing except to piss people off. Just because she’s one of the few women Mick Mars has turned down for sex is no reason to pick on his looks or his guitar playing. Every group out there, no matter how strange, if one person likes them, then they have at least one good quality that makes that person happy. Motley Crue are certainly not the best musicians in the world but they are very entertaining and their music kicks ass. It’s more of the whole combination of their talents that makes them my favorite group (and many millions of others I might add). This combination made them and their album voted number one by virtually every rock magazine’s readers poll. These people (myself included) would love to club Ms. Finn to death. You might say that this would accomplish nothing but it would give satisfaction to the many millions of people who love Motley Crue and the harmless entertainment heavy rock provides to these people. So the next time Ms. Finn decides to write an article about someone else she doesn’t like she had better think twice about leaving her time warp and stay back in the '60’s.

Mark Kohler

Fairport, NY

(You are, indeed, a person to be reckoned with. —Ed.)

LETTER FROM INTOLERANT PERSON

OK. I’ve tried, I truly have. I try to keep an open mind when it comes to music, but I just can't understand this:

How can anyone tolerate metal music over a long period of time?

Now, groups like Scorpions or even Van Halen are all right. Their type of music is decipherable, but, scums like (ugh) W.A.S.P., Black Sabbath or Motley Crue just, well, sound like shit, to be honest. Some of the metal guitar players are good enough and so are some bass players and drummers, but if their songs sound like shit and make even less sense than punk (though punk is interesting enough to be good), what’s the point of having any talent?

And to top all of this off, most of you headbangers out there look like a bunch of assholes trying to look tough, though many of you are very nice people. I’m sorry if I've offended any of the more decent ones, but since I’ll probably be getting threat letters from the dumb fuck ‘‘bad intention" metalers, I must say that metal, in general, sucks. I’m not too thrilled about the top 40 music, but I do like more uncommercial music like Tears For Fears, Heaven 17, Bowie, Ministry. Yazoo, Violent Femmes, 112, Oingo Boingo...

Well, thanks for your space.

Those Concerned

Cleveland, OH

(Do you often find yourself wishing you were Blackie Lawless? —Ed.)

...AND BELFEG0RE FROWNED!

Skinny chickenshit, HM bands beware! The True Gods have returned to wreak HM revenge on your weasel asses. Deep Purple have returned!!!! Yes, insignificant pieces of new metal excrement are crushed beneath Jon Lord’s bulbous girth into the sniveling cowards they truly are—The Gods are angered and there ain’t no escape! Ian Paice uses emaciated NHMers like Nikki Sixx and Vince Neil for drumsticks, and after a show finds that Nikki & Vince’s long, flowing hair comes in handy when D.P. runs out of toilet paper. Ian Gillan sees NHMers Ratt and he is nott pleased! One earth-shattering scream from His Olympian vocal cords and Ratt crumble, amidst their cries for mercy, into a quivering mass of subhuman slime (their true formm). Ritchie Blackmore sees what his cohorts have done and he smiles, but there is still much work to be done! Casually aiming his avenging guitar of flame, he incinerates Twisted Sister (along with their pal Mark Metcalf) as they manfully hide in a corner hoping to escape the slaughter. As Blackmore spins to fire another deadly burst from his gleaming guitar, he is surprised to find a small grotesque creature clinging to his ankle begging for mercy. Why, it’s Kevin DuBrow! “Please let us live, no one even listens to us anymore!” he whimpers. Blackmore is moved by this pathetic creature and takes pity upon him. Reaching down, he crushes the gargoyle-like creature’s skull between his thumb and forefinger, ending its (and our) misery. Cries of anguish and repentance are raised to the heavens but no one hears, for the gods are here on earth and no NHMpussies are safe! Untold numbers of NHMers are swept to their death by a mere brush of Paice’s mighty sideburns, or squashed into pulp as Jon Lord wields his enormous bulk, laughing maniacally. Dokken, W.A.S.P., Great White, Yes and even Belfegore are cheerfully mangled and mutilated beyond recognition by these avenging angels. As Blackmore casually surveys the scene, he tells D.P. it’s time to return. They’ve had a good day. Lord adds “Let’s go have a couple of beers!” As the blood-soaked Gods turn to leave, Ian Gillan says, “you know guys, we wasted our time—we should have sent our wives and children to take care of these insignificant vermin.” The others nod in agreement.

TURN TO PAGE 64

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 8

Chris Schaefer

Crete, IL

(Belfegore? You are beyond all he’p.—Ed.)

FAIRY TALE

Yesterday was a very strange day for me and I would like to share it with you. I spent the day with a very well known rock star, but I can’t tell you his name because if he finds me telling this he’d kill me. I will give you a hint though, he loves to wear ripped up shirts and his favorite group is Aerosmith. Anyway, my day started out normal until I bumped (literally) into him. First we went to see The Breakfast Club. So far so good. Then we went to his place and smoked a couple of those "funny” little cigarettes. Believe me, we smoked enough to alter our normal state of mind. We forgot we had just seen The Breakfast Club and went to see it again. After that, we got in his car with me at the wheel. We drove until we ran out of gas in the middle of the L.A. freeway at rush hour. We thought that was soooo funny! We hitched a ride to a gas station but once we got there we forgot why we were there so we walked away. We decided to go back to his place but got lost on the way. Well, we finally got back home. A strange day indeed! This is what life is like when you hang out with rock stars. (He’s not the only one I know.) I have many strange stories about the rock stars I know. Maybe someday I will write a book about all the things that have happened to our "crowd.” Well I got to get going, but who knows where I’ll end up going!

Cassie “Dynamite” Brooks

Los Angeles, CA

I just remembered something! His car is still on the freeway! How sad!

THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT ZANESVILLE!

Why do u print letters n your mag that make no C at all?

None Of Your Damn Business Who I Am,

Zanesville, OH ($.—Ed.)

TYPICAL LETTER FROM SEXY, NUBILE, LUSTY WENCH

I just want to say that I’m a sexy, nubile, lusty wench who’s fucked lots of guys of all types, but I would never fuck Gene Simmons because he’s slimy, ugly, gross, revolting, disgusting smelly and impolite. And you can quote me, you betcha.

Kimberly

Syracuse, NY

STRYPER RULES!

Your stupid ass magazine sucks out loud! All you do is bitch about the best groups (Crue, Van Halen, etc.) around! Your critics and reporters are fucking INSANE!! You're so busy with those suck dog groups you’ve got stuck up your asses that you don’t have time to say anything fucking good about those who fucking deserve it!!!

Whaddaya mean ‘‘these new Motley Crue pillows never get hard?” How the hell do you know that Vince Neil never gets hard?! Why don’t you ask your mothers, they could tell you! While I’m at it, I hate all this "Black Metal" shit. And that’s what it is, S-H-l-T, shit. Why don't you assholes wise up and stop trying to find things wrong with people? Who gives a damn if the whore-ish "Dr. Sex" thinks the Oz is ugly? If Dee Snider’s hair is nappy, that's his fucking business. I wouldn’t piss on the best part of this shit sheet! (If there is a best part even). Even I could put together a better magazine than you dickheads do. No matter what you senseless farts say, CRUE RULES, if you like it or not. And don't fucking forget that either!!

Thank you

A SMF Friend of Twisted Sister

Athens, GA (Forget what?—Ed.)