MR. BLACKMAIL'S GUIDE TO HEAVY METAL STYLE

MR. BLACKMAIL'S GUIDE TO HEAVY METAL STYLE

FEATURES

Toby Goldstein

Congratulations, metalhead! So you’ve finally mastered those three tricky guitar chords, adjusted the master volume on the Marshall to 11, and memorized 72 words that rhyme with “blood beast.” The moon-baying is coming along nicely, an entire three-block radius surrounding your house has invested in several cartons of ear plugs, and you’ve been offered a choice selection of nearby fallout shelters in which to—excuse the expression—practice. You think it’ll just be a matter of months before that hardworking group of yours—Beelzebub, Ashtaroth, Satin (sic), Starsky & Hutchis mutilating arenas, guzzling champagne, and, by the sheer power of publicly-throbbing loins, causing guys and gals (or whatever) to fall about, writhing in glassy-eyed helpless heaps.

Well, hold it there, pal. Before you so much as fling that Fender, take a cold hard look at what you’ve put on your bod. Because if Beelzebub, Ashtaroth, Satin (sic), Starsky & Hutch ain’t got heavy metal style, those smoke-bombed dreams will never come to pass, and your allimportant group might end up as this week’s dartboard. Metal has its sartorial standards, too—just consider the Great God Jimi, who “experienced” anxiety attacks whenever a double-knit polyester leisure suit even approached his magnificent self. So, as a special service to aspiring metal maniacs, METAL has obtained access to the secret archives of Mr. Blackmail—who knows, down to the toes of his spider-skin boots, exactly how to achieve that coveted heavy metal power-look.

DENIM

The original, and still the best choice for primary metalwear. Blue jeans were instrumental in the popularity of Led Zeppelin. In fact, Jimmy Page has been rumored to secretly pray to an original, 1969-vintage pair of bellbottoms, for spiritual sustenance on the guitar. It’s preferable that the jeans be well used, to give a player that appealing “down-toearth, just one of the guys, oi, oi, oi” atmosphere. (If the jeans are so well used that they actually stand up when no one’s home, even better—but save them, please, for the ballpark sized stages. Do consider your fellow musicians’ already half-destroyed nasal passages.)

Jeans are the ideal starter uniform, and have a healthy longevity, particularly in Britain, where former on-the-dolers such as Iron Maiden proudly wore their tattered denims until the big time hit. Although probably the last American band who couldn’t live without their Levi’s was Grand Funk Railroad (or Black Oak Arkansas), it is possible to launch a U.S. metal group on a blue jeans budget. David Lee Roth makes enough appearances in jeans for them to still be cool. Don’t, whatever you do, make jeans your only costume, and never wear a matching jacket with name patches. You’ll be immediately categorized Fan by the powers-that-be.

SPANDEX

The only artificial fabric you want to know about. Learn to love it, and as you struggle to breathe while appearing fashionably anorectic, try not to recall that women fought for years to be free of girdles so that heavy metal rockers could wear them. An indispensable fabric for Alice Cooper and Kiss, who parade in basic black; for Mick Jagger and David Lee Roth, who prance around athletically in show-every-bulge-in-that-manlycrotch-white; for Kevin Dubrow and assorted Scorpions, who scare small animals in primary yipes-stripes colors; for Motley Crue, which they tear into as many teeny-weeny little strands as they can get away with, without revealing their teeny weenies.

Spandex does, however, carry a fairuse warning. Unless one is willing to suffer the torments of parading an obvious spare tire, those weighing more than 110 pounds should think twice before displaying that bare chest. It’s either that, or give up drinking, and we know where your priorities lie. Remember, Ozzy learned the hard way.

SATIN

No way, hoser, unless you are the ubiquitous David Lee, who has already broken most of Mr. Blackmail’s rules and prospered. Rod Stewart, circa 1976, was the last person on whom pink satin jackets somehow, shall we say, belonged. Leave them to Menudo.

LEATHER

Ahhh...now we are in metal heaven. The moment your equipment is paid for, and you’ve graduated from peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to tuna fish, grab that bankroll and head for the tannery. Heavy metal has added a third commandment onto the impossibility of being too thin or too rich: you cannot own too much leather.

Think of it! Vests, jeans, jackets, caps, bracelets, boots, sox, jockey shorts (who is Accept, anyway?). Leather is tough and menacing. It can be thrown up on and wiped clean. It can be slept in (or on) without mussing. It responds extremely well to fondling (think about those backstage parties, heh, heh, heh). In leather, as in most styles metallian, black is the color of choice, though red comes in as a hearty second. Ignore all thoughts of displaying that divine mauve suede jacket you saw over on Fourth Avenue unless you’re in search of serious trouble.

SCHMATTAS

Besides denim, this is heavy metal’s biggest carry over from the flashy sixties. Jimi Hendrix wore shirts with huge puffy sleeves and had a zillion scarves wrapped around his head, neck and body. Jimi’s inheritors kept the scarves, and, when it came to the likes of Aerosmith, festooned them around mike stands and guitars. Everybody made fun of Steven Tyler’s schmatta collection, but here we are, 10 years later, and those same everybodys are now beaming with approval as Motley Crue, Van Halen, Kiss and Ratt do the same thing. Mr. Blackmail strongly advises keeping this reactivated fetish in perspective, especially those of an athletic bent. Did you ever hear the one about the heavy metal singer who did a quadruple somersault over his drummer and narrowly escaped strangulation when his six-foot-long red neckwrap caught in the cymbals? I thought not.

FOOTWEAR

Remember platform boots? Okay, now forget them. Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley may be the only two guitarists in history who could effortlessly run down staircases on stilts, but negotiating those Kiss sets probably drove Ace Frehley to drink. Even Slade have put the clunkers back in the closet. Acceptable attire now includes sneakers (here’s where those pink Converse hi-tops will come in handy), lace-up jazz shoes, construction worker boots, or even, like Twisted Sister, fluorescent cockroach stompers. Penny loafers don’t cut it.

OTHER CLOTHES THAT DON’T CUT IT

Animal shirt emblems: Mr. Blackmail doesn’t care if they’re Izod’s alligators, Le Tigre tigers, or Ralph Lauren’s stupid

I Heavy metal has added a third commandment onto the impossibility of being too thin or too rich: you cannot own too much leather.

polo ponies. Wear them onstage and die.

Chinos: Death, maybe not. Getting beat up, definitely.

Pinstripe Suits: Only if you want to be a heavy metal manager.

Boy George dress, Prince purple ruffles: Jimi could get away with this stuff, but not you.

Nehru jacket: David Lee Roth could get away with this, and probably will.

T-SHIRT DIRECTIVE

“I love Simon, Theodore and Alvin” is OK.

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‘‘I love Simon Le Bon” is not.

Wearing your latest LP cover shows either incredible gall and/or incredible insecurity. Ask yourself, would Vince Neil do this? He would? Well, then, there you go.

‘‘Boy Howdy”—instant platinum disc.

HAIR (HEAD AND BODY)

Those of you whose families are not prone to premature baldness may now give thanks. Heavy metal and long hair have happily co-existed since its first thunderous chords were uttered. In fact, until recently, the poor sod without a hefty mop of black, brown or blond cascading locks would have done better joining the Army and seeing the world. It’s a long but very direct road from Robert Plant’s tousles to Jim Dandy Magnum’s to Dee Snider’s and David Lee’s. Throughout the 1970s, no metal player was fit for the stage unless he or she possessed hair that shook in time with a 4/4 beat, and could drip all that earnest sweat as the pace became increasingly fevered.

Along came Rob Halford and his shockingly punkish short do, and the receding hairlines of the world were given a second chance. Judas Priest didn’t get laughed at and neither (well, not much anyway) did Eddie Van Halen, when he chopped his formerly luxuriant tresses. Metallians who wish to go this route must realize that it’s not for the faint of heart. Long hair does much to hide all those embarrassing zits, not to mention its value in keeping the sincere musician totally ostracized from the corporate world.

As for chest hair, there are only two acceptable varieties: none—giving the wearer that “weedy English” look; and lots, arousing the fantasies of every female who harbors a secret desire to run shoeless through a wheatfield. Once again, it’s the delicious David Lee, as well as Kiss animals Gene and Paul, who are role models for cultivating lawnmowerready chests.

MAKEUP

A hallowed tradition in metal circles, where the guys are like the male peacocks, drowning out their ladyfriends in a sea of colors. While Joan Jett concentrates on standout rings of black eye shadow—giving her that desirable “tough girl” image, the boys have outdone themselves with war paint. This fascinating tribal custom goes way, way back to an early firebreather, Arthur Brown, who ringed his eyes with black and painted his face a deathly white. (He came onstage in a flaming headdress, too—a portent of things to come.) Among those who noted Arturo’s tricks of the trade were Alice Cooper and Kiss. They, in turn, were studied by Twisted Sister and Motley Crue. Meanwhile, Kiss, realizing that they’d still be stuck with acne when they became eligible for Social Security, dropped the goo and went barefaced. Talk about special effects!

The rule for successful use of makeup is not to look like Cyndi Lauper or Boy George, unless, of course, you’re studying Mr. Blackmail’s guide to Ambisexual Style.

KNOW YOUR PETS

Alice Cooper had a snake for his costar. Gene Simmons wore a collection of tarantula and spider jewelry. Ozzy Osborne got into trouble because of a misdirected bird. When doves cry, indeed. Best keep Rover at home, or if you must, let faithful companion be a bodyguard. Pets serve their masters by being the only creatures who won’t knife them in the back.

ACCESSORIES AND ECCENTRICITIES

Studs are like leather, the more the better. They can be used in gloves, wristbands, guitar straps, crotch protectors (Motley Crue need those bad), around boots, as belts, even beaded in your hair, if one is so inclined. However, be aware that if real metal is used to excess, i.e. Armored Saint, those mid-show trips to the restroom might force your fellow band members into perfecting a 15-minute bass and drum interpretation of “Smoke On The Water.” Mr. Blackmail is not responsible for any damages which may ensue from such uncalled-for cruelty to other human beings.

SHOPPING HAUNTS FOR THE NEWLY INITIATE

“Sal’s Chop Shop”—amazing what you can do with two hubcaps and an antenna.

Aunt Helen’s upstairs closet— Schmatta heaven! (Guys, tell her the stuff is for your girlfriend, or you’ll never hear the end of it.)

“Hot Rods to Hell”—motorcycle gang hangout (Fierce looks and a determined stare will usually prevent serious injury).

“Here Today, Gone Tomorrow” Spandex Shoppe—custom made holey sets their specialty.

“Snakes-R-Us”—accessories boutique (Make sure your local branch has an upto-date ASPCA license).