BOY HOWDY'S HEAVY 101 NOW MAKE WAY FOR EL KABUS! OR 87...59...9...WHATEVER!

BOY HOWDY'S HEAVY 101 NOW MAKE WAY FOR EL KABUS! OR 87...59...9...WHATEVER!

FEATURES

Rick Johnson

A couple of years ago, CREEM put out an entire magazine call-ed Heavy 100. "A guide to who's hot!" cried the ever-imaginative cover headline. It was a wonder-ful idea—right up there with Eureka Vacuum's new four-way Dial-A-Nap—and it sold more than 14 copies nationwide.

We never quite figured out the problem, but it might have had something to do with the mathematical fact that it wasn't a Heavy 100 at all. If you add up all the people on the cover, you only get 17. Even if you include the names at the top—Def Leppard, Journey (this was way back), Men At Work, Bowie, Prince and everybody in his Revolution, you still only come up with around 34.

Oh...wait a minute, I see. We simply counted Boy George as 66 people. No problemo!

When I (me) the author was starting out on this long-awaited Heavy 101, I seriously considered using the same approach and counting Meatloaf as 92. Would've saved me a heck of a lot of work, and you (hoo) the reader would already be to the pin-up of I'm-afraid-to-guess-who on the back cover.

Pause. Ya know, that's not such a bad idea! After all, I'm real-ly sick of writing, except on the back of a paycheck. Worse yet, you don't get paid anything to read it!

Now that I think about it, you readers are actually expected to give us money for the privilege of running your eyeballs over these unamusing musings. Now I think I understand why the Heavy 100 bombed!

1. Fin—frontman of Waysted, he's said to have the biggest bulge in all of metaldom. Could be—recent photos of his jeans look like an extreme close-up of Florida.

2. Nikki Sixx—the Crue's much-idolized smudge pot must've had his ears in a teenager when Cool Papa Bell axiomized, "If you don't live to get old, you die young."

3. Vince Nell—this little Cruester stood around naked while a certain CREEM photog directed Mrs. Neil in several ques-tionable poses. We know what you all want to hear, but you'll have to ask the clicker himself. Or better yet, ask his girlfriend.

4. David Lee Roth—has girlfriends in places where you don't even have places!

5. Tysondog—one of several possible Next Big Things in U.K.

netal. So heavy they must per-

“'H Ten Wheels—wants to be

’he^odybuilbtng queen otme«.

^queTof comedy diving orangutans. ker__admits,

"I was*an*'*oho*c at agej^2 md

trr tUrrT A

6^r:SS

committing sex acts d

oh backstage one n^ght Aw^sorry

negotiate! —vocalist of

U-wrownsaciose^

loincloths made out^of °many_

chose *from at* w'ofat leas, two

as Black Sabbath’s newest vocalist, which is about as big an honor as being a “candidate” for a stroke.

11. Marc Storace—fanatical Krokus leader who feels he’s finally getting his shot at the big time after years of waiting. Gosh, Marc, you didn’t need to wait. You should’ve just left a note.

12. Alex Van Halen—Van Halen’s throb product controller goes through new brides like some people go through cheap shoe care products. They just don’t seem to stick. Isn’t drum humor simply divine?

13. REO Speedwagon—must die! That’s all.

14.Phil Lynott—seen early on as a possible genetic crossover between Jimi Hendrix and Bruce Springsteen. Eventually proved that the “Thin” in Thin Lizzy referred to his songwriting chops.

15. Buck Dharma—positively blinding guitarist going to waste in decrepit Blue Oyster Cult. Nearly destroyed last shreds of credibility by doing the Funky Chicken in his underpants in the “Shooting Sharks” video.

16. Billy Squier—still unaware it’s his name that’s sinking his career. If he spelled it S-q-u-e-i-r or S-q-u-i-r-e or even El Kabus, everything would be different.

17. Joe Perry—visited this publication’s offices in person last year, answering once and for all

the musical question, “is there anybody left who still rips the seams out of their bluejean bellbottoms?”

18 Robbin Crosby—sensational Ratt guitarist who can drink an entire bottle of beer in one gulp while holding it two feet

above his mouth.

19. Violent, Drug Crazed Hippies—should be commended for supplying the audience at all the best metal fests.

20. Box Of Frogs sleazy a -tempt to revive the Yardbirds featuring their original photo-

l^Rail—winners of the 1983 MTV Basement Tapes shootout, a kiss of death akin to endorsement by Kevin DuBrow.

22. Kevin DuBrow—“We’re the Beatles of heavy metal, me Quiet Rioter once opined. We appeal to everyone.” Yeah, so does dry toilet paper.

23. Grim Reaper—wondertul new band who sent postcards to every rock writer on earth promising them they’d see ’em in hell. Well? We’re all here waiting, where are those guys?

24. Tom Werman—super producer who went from Cheap Trick to Motley Crue to Twisted Sister s big breakthrough, although his best work is still on an anonymous Hawks LP. ,

25 Jerusalem—world s premier New Wave Swedish Christian Heavy Metal band or

26aBu-Ts9a«o-gets points,or app"ng «he Eddie Van Haen slap ‘n’ tickle approach to the

Hi.l-this author-

never forget his encount®'Tl^e TOD’S rather demonstrative

bassist After hounding Dusty and

the guys with leading questions about Platform shoes and eye makeup (softening 'em up, * oa« it) hn the Biz) I popped the big onewhy doncha all just go glam.

Dusty got op on his hotel bed and

favored me with several good if

^Impertinent expiana ions.

XA/hat a cool guy. Years later, read Dusty's been shot with a gun that fell out of his own boot. H ha on Dusty now.

orpions—get this year s for Stupidest Stage

tation. What the heck let s

m the whole decade.

d Nugent-Terrible Ted

much summed it all up he stated, “I can play with dy if they’re good enough, r, he’s the only one good

>an Jett—another CREEM visitor, Joan was obvl°^ interested in her fans (who ier records) than a bunch of quy eddytors (who write nasoto captions about her conmgCutex and its place in the ern world).

Wendy 0. Williams—

eved metal martyrdom in /aukee when police objecie er stage attire, and felt oblig O wrestle her left breast to the

32. Leather Angel—they don t come any slurpier than these slinky L.A. suedettes. Panties to plowshares, indeed.

33. Saga—who are Saga? You see their name a lot but nobody seems to know. Hmmm, let’s sound it out: Saaaaaaaaaaaaaa-gaaaaagh. I dunno, sounds kinda like a snake fart to me.

34. Judas Priest fans—

triumphantly ripped all the foam rubber out of Madison Square Gardens’ seat cushions and tossed ‘em at the stage until it looked like an enormous crutch pad.

35. Ted McCarthy—canonized Gibson instrument designer who invented the Flying V Guitar. Lit-

tie known fact: it started out at the Flying C, but somebody tipped it over.

36. Betsy Bitch—namesake of L.A. band Bitch, Betsy is famous for appearing onstage clad only in bondage hankies!

37. Paula L. of Borger, TX— who wrote us that she loves Def Lepper Rick Savage so much, she’d “eat a bucket of his shit!” Well, Paula, this must be your lucky day! Sav’s here? No, but he did leave this bucket for you...

38. Robert Plant—his two solo albums proved his concern for the plight of the independent logger, but I understand “honeydripper” is street slang for some one who has a bad reputation down at the depot. Any depot.

39 Stephen Pearcy

possesses uncanny ability to purse his lips when he senses a camera within 50 yards. A real motherpucker.

40. Angel—wasted nearly all of Casablanca Records’ Kiss profits with the cost of their elaborate stage sets and haircuts. Since reformed-hey guys, sign with Geffen this time!

41. Leon Russell—what. Yeah, it was this turkey’s Mad Dogs and Englishmen tour that cleared the way for Arena Rock. Thanks a lot,

Leon. ^ .

42 Lee Aaron—sure is

qorgeous. No one’s ever heard her music, and we don t care

43. Faces Rocks—possibly the

silliest of all the new post-MTV rock mags. I mean, how can you not love a publication with cover blurbs like “2 Free Scorpions Posters”?

44 Dokken—see Saga.

45. Ian Gillan—he’s been the pipes of many bands but the

plumbing of none.

46 Udo Dirkschnelder—said to be the man “behind” Accept s qay angle. Has never heard of Tommy Udo and doesn’t worry

about it. .

47Sammy Hagar

violence watchdogs selected his “I Can’t Drive 55” video as the rock vid with highest number of violent acts. This was the same week NBC telecast Road Warrior 48. Triumph—correctly guessed we “don’t give a shit” about them. .

49 Freddie Mercury—has been overparked on the scene for

years now, but he can t really help it. One cub scout and he’s up all night!

50. Jack Daniels—No metal gathering is complete without a visit with this popular Southern gentleman who likes to make your brain feel like a cage for ceremonial eels.

51. Kelly Keagy—Night Ranger culprit who tweets “Sister Christian” from his little drummer’s stool. Better watch it, Kelly, cause Mom’s got the bomb!

52. Angus Young—the muchworshipped small fry guitar whomper of AC/DC is so taciturn, he doesn’t even have any vital signs. He just has some kinda important, maybe signs.

53. Yngwie Malmsteen—the only sure way to see the young Swedish Soopernova who’s rewriting all the lead guitar record books is to bait a trail of meatballs

leading up to a cliff.

54. Ronnie James Dio

Hideous dwarf or great initials— you decide!

55. Mark St. John—new Kiss guitarist changed surname from Norton to avoid possible confusion with CREEM writer/pest of the same name. Was forced to bail out of his debut tour due to severe attack of Reiter Syndrome. No, it’s nothing like writer’s cramp.

56. Jim Dandy—from old tabloid headline: Airbrushed Pubes Spelt Doom For Dixie Rooster!

57. Jimmy Page—of course we didn’t forget Jimmy. We all know the man’s tuned a bit off center, but in the new Firm video, the guy looks so wiped out he can hardly support the weight of his double necked guitar.

58. Stephan Riley— has the

unenviable task of replacing Tony Richards as drummer for the

great W.A.S.P. Watch for the photo spread in Unnatural Geographic.

59. Venom—were pictured in a groovy 3-D centerfold in Kerrang that, after you’ve got your goggles situated, still looks like three dummies carrying skulls around on broomsticks.

60. Geddy Lee—shocked the entire nation of Canada when it was revealed he’s been moonlighting for years as a night school instructor at the Academy of Collision Test Dummies in Calgary.

61. Mercyful Fate—most idiotic group name, Euro division. They call their music “black metal.” Others call it “fear of nightlights.”

62. Fast Eddie Clarke—made ‘clean” break with Motorhead a

couple years back to front an outfit so pure, he doesn’t allow his young lead singer to drink before shows. In fact, the kid has to get Eddie’s permission to sweat!

63. Steve Harris—strongarm boss of Iron Maiden. Unfortunately, he sometimes forgets Don Whipple’s Law of Organization: In any pecking order, the ratio of peckers to peckees is always greater than one. Ratio of peckers—doncha just love it?

64. Meatloaf—the man who put the “heave” back into heavy and then went bankrupt for his trouble.

65. Spinal Tap—metal parodists revered by civilized world with sole exception of our “own” John Mendelssohn, who compared the leading man to the leading spermicide.

66. Paul Stanley—Kiss whiz who made movie debut as singer who swallows his own microphone in Young Doctors In Love. That was nothin’ compared to his stint as guest VJ on MTV

where he portrayed a musician who swallowed his own dignity. 67. Lemmy—Mo’head leader who freely admitted he has an amphetamine problem to one of our probing reporters, who then became enraged and caused a scene when Lemmy wouldn’t share any with him.

Jee Snider—what \ leavy list h its numerals cou Id forget ;ted Sister’s head tv vist? But true that the Dee is for deeus? Only Rob Halfoi rd knows sure!

The Shy—U K n netalmen i innovative cubist makeup. at a wonderful worlc I—all this ! stick deodorant.

Steve Perry—an i nvestigai has revealed that S teve’sthe ne offender of L.A.’s new curbir-duck regulations.

MAW HAW HAW! TRICKED