LOOK AT THAT! THE NEW WAVE OF HEAVY METAL VIDEOS

LOOK AT THAT! THE NEW WAVE OF HEAVY METAL VIDEOS

Rick Johnson

It sure has been another wonderful television season, hasn't it? There was the gala debut of TV's Funniest Game Show Moments, the fascinating fridgedragging contest between Jim Brown and Franco Harris and an all-new Spray ’n’ Vac commercial from those forward thinkers at Glamorene. Not to mention the unveiling of modern technology’s proudest product, the Crayola Caddy.

A delightful time for music on the tube as well. Let’s see, there was Ted Turner’s neutered MTV, which went over about as big as a cellophane oar barge. Meanwhile, the "real” MTV produced what is possibly the single most astounding televised music event of the decade. That’s right, Martha Quinn doing the funky chicken to Christmas carols. On Good Morning America, Cyndi Lauper appeared with a woman who had almost single-handedly prevented a nuke from being built in her hometown and promptly stole the show by shaking her junky earrings a lot. Of course, the real highlight for me occurred when one local station ran the end of Bruce Springsteen’s “Dancing In The Dark” video in reverse. If you think the Boss can’t dance, you should see him try it backwards!

Pretty dull stuff, but when you come to heavy metal on the small screen, creative progress and fun were made, as our favorite Stegosaurus delecti ignored relaxed bumper standards and added tons of new moo to their already staggering herds. I mean, come on—Motley Crue vids played on alleged kiddie shows! Twisted Sister’s Dee Snider gave advice to teens in a Nickelodeon net program. Lured by innocuous vidnoir, hundreds of thousands of otherwise sensible adults inadvertantly purchased a record with half of Led Zep on it. Sure it was drippy (alert pun control!) but the fact of the matter is that the American public was left with the snakes in hopes they’ll at least learn how to rattle.

This is truly a development on a par with the New Zealand scientist’s discovery that a day’s worth of sheep flatulance could drive an auto 40 miles. Now if he could just persuade the sheep to back up to the gas tank.

That’s pretty surprising to this cathode dummy, who at one time swore off MTV completely for quite awhile because of heavy metal videos. Anybody would’ve, except maybe those stupid operators at Time magazine. You see, way back a couple, three-four years ago when Music Television was knee-high to a tint control, it seemed as though the only clips available were live, in-concert metal hawg jamborees. These were peachy only if you like a living room full of sweaty hair and the plaintive squeals of a pig caught in a fence.

When many moons later I had the courage to check out MTV again, I was amazed, shocked, flabbergasted, dumbfounded and stupified. Well, I guess I was already stupified. In place of the loathsome live metal vids were the beginnings of actual stories. Like, uh, they’re tryin’ to tell us somethin’, man.

What were they trying to tell us? That the average person blinks their eyes once every 2.4 seconds? That with a Lloyd hearing aid you get “the hearing you deserve”? That self-cleaning sweatpants are more than just an idle fantasy?

No. They were telling us you don’t have to be stupid to appreciate heavy metal video. It helps, but it’s not a prerequisite. Finally, us tubesuckers were given credit for having enough smarts to figure out elementary stories and even the occasional symbol.

Ratt’s “Wanted Man” is a direct ancestor of these primitive beginnings. First, there’s all the gold record nonsense to prove the group really exists. Then, without warning, we find ourselves in an Old West ghost town. Enter Ratt, riding big mean horsies and wearing cowboy duds that have obviously not received the Pine-Sol Signal.

The galoots immediately hit the saloon and pow-zam!—we’re suddenly onstage with the hombres in their normal outfits of sadistically tortured minnow nets and dimmerswitch-polish rags. See Ratt sing. See Ratt jump. See Ratt wonder what “in sync” means.

The tune hits the chorus and we re back in those thrilling days of yesteryear. Dancehall girls appear. card games occur and a big fight breaks out. when pow-zam!: The Sequel, we’re back on the drum stand, practically in Bobby Blotzer's iron underpants. I dunno about you. but I'm getting kinda dizzy.

Uh-oh, time warp. The brawl continues (as brawls are wont), a dancehall girl is on her back, pinned to a breakaway poker table and—just in time!—ZZ Top drive up! No. just kiddin'! Really, there’s a few more quick cuts back and forth and then we're into a Zest commercial. “It’s a more convincingclean," asserts a wet male model.

OK, clafss. If I was your English teacher (and you can thank your lucky stars I ain’t, little wordhounds) it d be time to ask, what’s the theme? Right, there is none! There’s just barely a storyline, and you-the-viewer are merely pushed gently toward uniting the disparate elements of the video.

Another good example of this Intermediate Period Of New Wave Heavy Metal Videos (I.P.O.N. W.H.M.V., for short) is the Scorpions’ "Rock You Like A Hurricane,” once known simply as "Louie. Louie.” This one’s a little further down the evolutionary griddle, however. For the sake of convenience, I’ll refer to this stage as the P.F.N.S.O.P.E.D.C.l.T.I.P.O. N.W.H.M.V. (Pre-Fulfillment Night School Of Plot-Enchanced Developmental Concepts In The Intermediate Period Of New Wave Heavy Metal Videos).

This was one of the earliest appearances of the now-generic wild women in Stone Age lingerie. It kicks in like a bargain-rate Alien, with the guys emerging from glass sleepytime capsules, wandering around in a gloomy tunnel and then finding themselves playing "live” in a cage surrounded by more feral females who appear rather appreciative of the band’s dopey Paul Revere and the Raiders routine.

Let’s not snorkel through the depths of meaning on this one. Let it suffice to say they all end up back in a big, dark cave where one of the women joins the krazy Krauts and they wiggle back into their long cylindrical capsules. Calling Dr. Freud! Obscene interpretation on line four!

Motley Crue took it one step further in "Looks That Kill”—you know, the one that resembles the waiting room to one of Cher’s wet dreams. But Nikki and his ickyes couldn’t have even dreamed what Twisted Sister was about to unleash. Of course, the Crue never sleep, so how they gonna dream?

The Twisted ones’ short story, entitled "I Wanna Rock,” took metal vid to the next level. It’s been televised about every five minutes for years now, so let us condense: Creepy teach yells at likeable fat kid. Blazing power chords launch teach through ceiling into basketball hoop. Band and kids stomp around, teach gets knocked, slammed and blowed-up real purty-like. Kids bang heads on lockers as teach gets Mr. Reddy Whip treatment from seltzer bottle. The end.

Did you notice something missing there? Dee’s "gotta make the donuts” rap? A massive infusion of abalone divers? Maxwell Smart’s cone of silence?

No! Where are you people getting these weird answers? What we have here is the performance concept finally laid to rest. Not only do they merely hint at a concert, they hardly even bother to mouth the lyrics.

Same deal with Van Halen’s ‘‘Hot For Teacher,” where the plot takes precedence over the song itself! The vignette of shy, confused Waldo vs. the teenage counterparts of Eddie and the boys proceeds on its own tangent. The real Van Halen’s appearance, particularly that nutty song and dance routine, is treated like a word from the sponsor, which it is. Plus one of David Lee Roth’s finest recorded throwaway lines: ‘‘I don’t feel tardy.”

What in the name of J.J. Jackson can happen next? Give up? It’s the no concert, no plot, no song, no story, no nuttin' video as demonstrated by what I’m sure will be a perennial classic, the MTV Metal Christmas With Quiet Riot. OK, so there’s three seconds of Kevin Forehead and the winning contestant (Drew Something) singing “Feel The Noize,” don't be so damn persnickety.

The images flash past the viewer like hummingbirds on roller skates. Here’s the winner's girlfriend foolishly sitting on Kevin D.’s lap—hope he isn’t wearing his lap buzzer! Now here's Rudy dangling something slimy on a fork—oops, it’s only Vince Neil! Hey. there’s Drew making sure everybody knows he’s a moron! No wonder he’s happy, he just won “a mountain of Technics equipment!" That’s some heap— too bad they didn't include some shelves! "People really do. uh. win on MTV!” mumbles Carlos, who looks like he's about to puke.

Now that's a new wave. What comes next? Can such an advanced concept be carried any further?

One possible direction can be glimpsed in Adrian Belew’s stark, realistic ad for his guitar instruction videotape. He first puts you off guard with a couple blasts of screaming metal guitar on a fake stage. Then it’s goodbye metalshit road, as the enlightened guitarist poses with an opened music book on a stand. Except the book is behind him! He can’t even see it!

Then my own metal wiper delay control was totally shattered as Adrian explained, “It’s an hour long program designed to show how to use this embarrasing array of electronic weapons.” Embarrassing array—is this guy too cool or what?

With all but the most sophisticated viewer’s senses now warped beyond repair, Belew consummates the ultimate Tijuana marriage between encroaching technology and truth in advertising, as he calmy points out, "If you miss a note, hey—just rewind the tape and watch it again!”

Just rewind the tape... has the Nobel Prize Committee on Modern Reality been notified?