MAIL

MAIL.

DEPARTMENTS

Send all your hot ’n’ heavy love letters, vicious hate mail, warped comments, and tamper-proof food products to:

MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O. Box P-1064 Birmingham, Ml 48012

THIS ONE GOES OUT TO COMMUNIST RUSSIA!

Bonjour Editors de Creem,

I’m not French, but I sure fooled you! I want to commend you on your hilarious captions under the pictures. That’s what really makes your mag “America’s Only Rock ’N’ Roll mag.” By cracky—you the greatest. I love your ads on Twisted Sister, Ratt, Motley Crue and bands like that. Incidentally, I hate metal groups. One thing I was particularly not impressed with in your Jan. ’85 issue was Billy Squier’s poor—very poor—imitation of Madonna! I am an American in Canada, yet I must continue to Yoo-Hoo!

D.P.

Trois-Rivieres, Quebec

Canada

PLEASE Bl OUR MAGAZINE!

Although this takes more time than it is worth, may I quote?

“Little Richard: Frutti Cutie!”

“Freddie Mercury released...just to spoof Gary Glitter! Talk about a battle of the titans!”

“...the Boy’s return salvo consisted of having ‘several Israeli bodyguards’ to follow the Frankies everywhere they went, including the, uh, facilities. Listen, George, that might not exactly have been construed as punishment...”

That was page 14 out of 66. Next thing I saw was a mildly insulting FGTH review. Not insulting the music, you understand.

I’m gay. I buy your magazine every month. I can do without your magazine. Can you do without me?

Connie S. Cooper

St. Louis, MO

P.S. Why don’t your gay staffers stop this crap?

(Not to upset you, but did you know that “gay” is a slang term for “homosexual”? You’ve got to watch that sort of thing or people will get the wrong idea.—Ed.)

ELEGANZA APPRECIATION DEPT.

I have never seen a funnier/more informative & sarcastic magazine than yours. I have nothing but the highest praise for it, especially the Eleganza column. I could not help but notice the huge flood of “HOMOPHOBES” who have taken their fears out on poor Mr. Mendelssohn lately. Granted, these folks are indeed very sick. But when you consider the teachers they have, such as Jerry Please Fall Into A Well Falwell, you have to forgive them. Always remember what William S. Burroughs once stated in a letter to Allen Ginsberg: All envy is based on the proposition “I could be getting that.” Tell that to the little closet case named Lt. General “Kamikaze” Doc Hoffmenstat who Mr. Mendelssohn mentioned in the Sept. ’84 issue. If the truth were known, a large number of these macho little brats would love nothing more than some hot manto-man action. Of course, they would never admit it. Well, now that I got that off my chest,

I would also like you to keep up the good work on knocking the world’s worst bands who are known to all as Snotly Glue. Thanks for a great magazine!!!

Yours Truly,

Daniel J. Kruse

Hartington, NE

SI, WHAT WE’VE DONE

I got pretty pissed when you totally ignored Yes’s 1984 90125 tour. Besides being the most talented band on the planet, they have an awesome bass player, Chris Squier. The man gets no recognition because people are convinced that Geddy Lee is the best. If more people listened to Yes, they’d wake up. I admit that the new Yes line-up isn’t their best, but that’s no reason to ignore them. I hope in the future you don’t screw up like this again.

Mad Yes Fan

Long Island, NY

BIRTH OF THE BLUES

How could you forget Nikki Sixx’s birthday on your December calendar? It’s December 11, 1958.

A Motley Crue Fan Forever

Newton, MA

(We must be scum.—Ed.)

SOME OF OUR QUOTATIONS DON’T MAKE SENSE?!

Alright! Let’s get right to the point, huh? I’m a sixteen-year-old, headbanging male from New York. My personal life is none of your business. Here’s my beef:

First, you call yourselves America’s Only Rock ’N’ Roll Magazine. Bullshit; I could sue you for false advertising, but I won’t this time. Look, you guys put Michael “The Jack-Off” Jackson, Boy “Howdy” George and Duran “One Duran Is Enough” Duran in your magazine. You call that Rock ’n’ Roll? I don’t! Rock ’n’ Roll is Van Halen, Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, Jimi Hendrix, Ozzy Osbourne and so on. I could go on forever...

Second, we need more articles by Edouard “The Dauph” Dauphin, J. “Korndish” Kordosh. Those are real journalists. Get with it!

Finally, I love your Rock ’n’ Roll News, Kiss & Tell and the comedic statements under the photographs. The only problem with those, though, are the fact that some of the quotations don’t even make sense. Anyway, I’ll forgive you this time. I’ll be writing again and again and again and again....

Christopher “Killer” Killian

New York, NY (Not to us, we hope.—Ed.)

SCANDAL NOT AVERTED!

Special thanks to Ms. Laura Fissinger and, of course CREEM, for the in-depth and intriguing interview with Patty Smyth of Scandal. Only kind words will come from this loyal Scandal fan. It’s about time somebody had the decency to write the main facts of what makes Scandal an exciting and outstanding rock band. Talent throughout, hard work and class.

Finally, Patty Smyth and Scandal certainly got things together. Success has not been overnight, but it’s fantastic that they re finally reaping the benefits of new-found success. Thanks again.

Mark Walker

Erie, PA

P.S. Do you really read and print this stuff? (Well, we print this stuff, anyway.—Ed.)

THE FUTURE OF AMERICA-LOOKING GOOD!

To Rick Johnson: you’re a dick, you really are. I bought the February ’85 issue of CREEM, I read your stupid article—Ratt vs. Motley Crue! You really got your kicks out of putting down these two groups. Now I’m not getting my kicks putting you down, I’m just telling the truth.

You put down these groups so much. If you don’t like them, why did you even print them at all [sic]? You’d think you’d want them as far away from your magazine as possible. Then you can put some more of your Culture Club, Men At Work, Wham! and other fabs in your magazine.

I read that you say Ratt wrote the easy line, “U Want It/U Got It” in a song. Well, loot in [sic] Men At Work’s song, “Who Can It Be Now!” That is the easiest song in history. But what can you expect from fags?

You were saying Mick Mars of Motley Crue is no real contest [sic] on the guitar. I’m sick of all you writers who are assholes and put down good groups. And you know you are the ass of all those holes.

You think putting a few bad words in your artile [sic] makes your life full. Well that’s the way Motley Crue is, also. But they fill their lives [sic] in a manly way. They live life at the fullest. They don’t live it like a fag, like you do. I bet you really think you are a really [sic] man cutting great music down, but if you came faceto-legs with Nikki Sixx, you’d shit your pants, you shrimp.

I noticed you never put in pictures of yourself in your crummy articles because you know you won’t live another day. You probably are some religious asshole. Religious [sic] is for weak bums. God and the Devil are just in people’s minds, they are not really [sic]. Well I hope you rot in some church.

I know there are many Crue and Ratt fans that agree with me. We would all like to meet you and kick your ass. I just don’t like you and never will.

I hope I do see you because I would like to knock you to the ground, rip your head off and shit down your neck. But I know I never will because I don’t know what you look like, but I have a gay idea (ha-ha).

Well I could write many more pages of thinks [sic], but I don’t wanna waste not more paper [sic]. I only have two more words to say to you: “Fuck Off.”

Motley Leader

Oakland, CA

MEMO FROM BINKY?

I finally figured out what your magazine’s captions are good for: sticking on my own concert pix! Yeah! All I do is rip ’em out and stick ’em on and tell my friends I thought of ’em myself! Great, huh? It makes me feel powerful to make Ratt’s Stephen Pearcy say “My salami is not for sale!” I’m gonna build a (stolen) caption writer’s hut of my own with all the money I make selling those masterpieces, so keep up the good work! I know I will!!

Peace & Love from

The Widow Blakki

Rodent Hollow, WA

HUNKA HUNKA BURNIN’ LOVE

What can I say?! Your magazine has class, true class. Michael Davis giving The Unforgettable Fire a good review was the first highlight of my day. (Not to mention my last—high school sucks.) The album has moved me as well as some of my friends who haven’t even heard of the group. U2 has yet to gain more American recognition, but what they already have is well-deserved—the boys have a real talent and a style of their own that has yet to be matched. They’re one super quartet.

Claire

St. Louis, MO

(And, if U2 is matched, don’t forget the gasoline.—Ed.)

SEZ YOU!

I’ve been a CREEM reader for years and I like the irreverent style even though my faves are panned most regularly. I wonder, could I get a few things off my chest?

New Wave, you aren’t new anymore. You’ve been around since ’78 and your are 85 percent drivel.

Cyndi Lauper, you are one of the exceptions. I am in blind, sloppy love with you.

Rod Stewart, you are beneath contempt.

Robert Plant, your comeback was like the recurrence of severe stomach flu. I loved you then; you are now the “old fart” defined.

Huey Lewis, to hear you sit and pontificate about the evil of Motley Crue was a loathsome, debasing experience. You are the antithesis of rock ’n’ roll.

To Ozzy, Judas Priest, the Scorpions, et al., keep it up. When you burn across MTV amid a spate of noxious poseurs and pestilence, it’s like a great cleansing firebrand for all who rebel against inertia.

Death to concept video!

Mark Ellis

Castro Valley, CA

DEMOGRAPHIC SECRETS REVEALED!

This letter is directed towards the “Arrogant Mother” who wrote in to CREEM. First of all, Prince is FAR FROM a vile, slimy or lecherous creature. Prince is very good-looking! You must have some bad taste. Prince is one of the best performers around and if you don’t like him, tough shit. About your two-year-old: you see, CREEM is bought mainly by teenagers. So, if you don’t want your two-year-old to see Prince—I doubt he or she would even care what he looks like—then don’t be foolish enough to show him.

Pissed-Off Prince Fan Egg Harbor Township, NJ

“...BEYOND ALL IMAGINATION!’’

Please help me! I want Billy Idol so bad! I get turned on just hearing his songs. I cry every time I listen to “The Dead Next Door.” It’s hard to express my feelings for him. It’s beyond all imagination! I lust for the feeling of his hard, sweating body against mine. I can’t stand it sometimes. Could you please tell me where the hell I could send a letter to Billy? Please help me, or this sexual pain will never end! Annette Richland, Ml (We demur.—Ed.)