KISS & TELL

KISS & TELL

DEPARTMENTS

Jaan Uhelszki

April Showers Bring May Flowers: And all this time you thought Morrisey had the corner on flower power in the ’80s, when along comes the royal one, who really shows you how to toss the flora and fauna around a proscenium arch. Prince drove promoters crazy with his florist bills during his American tour—wherein he ran up a tab of $9,000 a night, which included 15,000 chrysanthemums and carnations per show in addition to an extravagant arrangement of exotic flowers flown in from Holland and Africa for his dressing room (plus mention other such essentials as a navy blue couch with an exotic bird design, a Queen Anne style chair and a baby grand piano— not to mention the candy machine for his hotel room— he’s trying to cut down)...Grace Jones worked up Roger Moore—on the set of the latest James Bond flick— when she refused to stop blaring the stereo in her dressing room (I can’t understand why he didn’t like the Repo Man soundtrack). The tiff escalated to where Grace was about to whomp him with one of her wrist-cuffs, when the director had to step in to stop the music...Everybody’s A Critic: Joan Jett was being escorted into the Nuremburg gig by a guard with a big black attack dog, when the feisty animal (no, not Joan) nipped Jett in her behind. If that weren’t enough, the Blackhearts’ bass player got beaten up at a “private members” club in London only the week before. Luckily for him, they left his privates private—and he escaped with only a black eye. As for Joan, she’s still avoiding park benches...Fit For A Queen: Freddie Mercury celebrated his 38th birthday with real flourish—complete with nude woman wrestling in jelly—the nude men were reserved for dessert...A Penny Saved Is A Penny Earned: Steven Tyler was disgruntled over the promotional T-shirts that they had made up for his recently reformed Aerosmith, so he had an idea: “When I saw the prototypes they were awful. So I grabbed 20 of the shirts and had my seamstress make me a suit out of them. That s what I wear onstage now.” Does that prove you can make a silk purse out of a sows ear? Maybe Steven ought to take a tip from that stable of clothes horses, Spandau Ballet, who employ a physical therapist instead— since those leather jackets on the sleeve of their recent LP, Parade, aren’t exactly au courant... Popovers: We knew Iggy’s move to Bleeker Street wasn’t for naught—in fact it’s virtually stumbling distance to off-Broadway, where Pop is trying to hunt down a stage play to showcase his wide spectrum of talents. So far he’s already auditioned for the production of Fatal Attraction, which he was to play a homicidal paparazzi— but you know, we’ll call you, blah, blah, blah...If all else falls, his friend David Bowie promised to help back our guy in his self-penned production of the Ig and /...Sock It To Me,

Baby: Mick dagger was spotted shopping from A to S, where he picked out an armload of socks in Day-Glo colors, 50 pairs in all, during a NY shopping spree, and got socked with a $488 bill. And you thought all 50 pairs were for his feet, didn’t you?...I think Mick was drowning his sorrow in socks, since the first draft of his “stalled” autobiog has been rejected by the publisher as being “too tame.” Needless to say, Jagger has fired his collaborator and is making arrangements to buy Stiv Bator’s life story and pass it off as his own...If Jerry Hall’s recent confession is any indication of Jagger’s wicked, ^ wicked ways we’re really in fo#S a snore. “Mick likes the way ! dress. He likes ma in Chanel suits. He thinks it’s nice. He bought me three of them for my birthday. He doesn’t really like me to wear sexy-sexy clothes, you know...he feels awkward when people stare. It’s just thaf it makes it uncomfortable for -,; him. People stare at me and recognize him So he likes me to be more...well, not with everything hanging out.” Sure, Jerry—isn’t it a little more like people stare at you, not him, hmmmm?...Meat the Beatles: Fed up by his embarrassing potbelly, Paul McCartney’s started dieting, jogging and doing sit-ups. He’s trying to shed 15 pounds, the hard way, if you know what I mean...ZZ Top were recently $20,000 lighter, when they found out two employees of their management firm were embezzling funds. The duo were drawn-and-quartered, Texas style, and put in the ole pokey...As for their actual body girth, the Top are doing something about it—in fact, they went and bought a health spa in greater suburban Houston in order to “limber up between tours.” The “club” has an impressive array of Solarflexstyle pumping equipment on display, but so far their acquisition hasn’t made any difference in any of ZZ Top’s, uh, physiques. Although Billy Gibbons has claimed to have lost years while taking synthesizer lessons. You figure that one out...Bob, Carol, Ted, and Alice: Did you wonder where Eddie Van Halen spends his off hours in Tinsel Town? You didn’t? Well Kiss ’n’ Tell spotted the enigmatic guitarist and his Valerie in a posh L.A. beanery in the company of Jack “Steven Carrington”Coleman, his gal ClwfNiy Kellogg, and Kathleen “Kirby Colby” Beillerfrom Dynasty. No, this doesn’t mean they were confabbing with Ms. Bertinelli to join up with the Dynasfyclub— instead, the Van Halens hinted at the fact that they were serious about starting a family. Does that mean they plan to get a dog?...Calling All Cars: It looks like the Police will be out on waivers for another year. According to manager Miles Copeland, the band doesn’t plan to be working together until 1986—with a studio album at the beginning of that year, and a live album at the end. “We’ll let the other bands play themselves out and then come back on top.” Ever hear of out of sight, out of mind, Miles?...As for me, I hope I’m gone but not forgotten—and if you must Kiss and Tell, remember to Kiss and Tell Me...