CREEM'S 1985 DUBIOUS ACHIEVEMENT AWARDS

CREEM'S 1985 DUBIOUS ACHIEVEMENT AWARDS

FEATURES

Rick Johnson

Pardon us, but may we interrupt your Coffee Pleasure for a moment, dear reader? No, this isn’t the last load call at your laundromat. Nothing that exciting. It’s just time once again for CREEM’s semi-annual Dubious Achievement Awards.

What is a Dubious Achievement? Is it like having £d McMahon and Dick Clark play a practical joke on you during prime time television? Sort of. And what, pray tell, do you win?

It won’t get you any network exposure and you don’t “win” anything! Ain’t that the American Dream? What yog do get is made tun of before thousands of people who think a beet farm is a place where they grow drummers.

■ ’ Get the picture? OK, if you’re not too Jbusy toying with the very i idea of an ’’infinite number of ski packages,” we beg to submit CREEM’s . 198S Dubious Achievement Awards. Be there I, or be outerwearlfS}

Next Thing You Know, It’ll Be Barbed Wire Jewelry Boy Howdy’s favorite goofy product was brought to us courtesy of Comedy Caps in Redwood Estates, CA: “It’s Finger Fun,-’ it went, “the only hat with the adjustable hand!"

Kiss & Dwell On It Universally renowned ladies man and the world’s greatest righthanded gum-chewing autistic bass player Bill Wyman ‘fessed up to our “own” Jaan U.: “I’ve had girls who have been with Mick Jagger and I’ve heard very disappointing reports on his performances.” What’d ya expect Jade to say, buffi''

Cute Nostril Agony CREEM devoted its entire August, '84 Backstage section to nose picking.

Avoiding The Subject It’s been said some of our record reviewers detest clarity and straightforwardness even more than ramming a sticky ribbon cartridge into an underage Corona. Taking the cue from Jeff Nesin’s brilliant essay on the difference between kicking pigs and trees in the guise of a John Cougar Mellencamp review, check out these wanderings: •“I like fishing...dealing with dumb slimy creatures can get to be a way of life.”

J. Kordosh on George Clinton •“ ’OH SHIT!! GOD DAMN FUCKING SHIT!!!" The driver lurches our auto into the slow lane and slams his fist into the FM tuner at full volume. ‘No good lousy pig behind us.’

—Gregg Turner on .38 Special • “...Ted Kluszewski, Earl Torgeson, Sherman Lollar, Bubba Phillips, and Jungle Jim Rivera, not to mention Turk Lown...”

—Rick J. on the Go-Go’s •“Generally speaking, growing up is boring.”

—•Jon Young on Split Enz •(%he was lying naked in the midway of a vast, empty video arcade, watching as a pair of gigantic metallic lips floated down ever gently from yellowishgray skies...''

—Joe Fernbacher on Husker Du

Sixx, Sixx, Sixx!

In what is surely the most bizarre concept since pissing on the international Date Line. Motley Crue bass case Nikki Sixx stated, 'People should actually thank us for playing rock % roll the way we do,”

Toil Of The Tape Mousercize goes gold!

Successful Interview Techniques Of The Stars, Part 1 Iman Lababedi, CREEM. "Was it a pint the E’s obliviously, to toss great here?”

Dave Stewart, Eurythmfcs: “I don’t know.”

Successful Interview Techniques Of The Sibils, Part 2 J. Kordosh, CREEM: “How come Mutt Lange didn’t produce the last album?”

Angus Young, AC/DC: “Well, basically, ’cause we (unintelligible) time and tried ourselves. He’d a few things he couldn’t... planned...he couldn’t start to (unintelligible). So he couldn’t really.” , :

(Censored) Without A Face Billy Idol wins our much-coveted Jim Morrison Memorial Wag Me, You Fool Award for a special showing he gave in Chicago. When a crowd gathered outside his dressing room after the concert, Billy—who didn’t have a little girl to beat up at the moment—reportedly hopped out on the ledge and led them in a speedy sing along version of “Rebel Yell.” Oh. We forgot. The blond promshell was “stark” naked at the time..

A Nose By Any Other Name Alert CREEM readers spot a booger in Toni Basil's left nostril during her^ Mickey” video.

Who Wrote The Book Of Love? Subscriber Wondering In Syracuse wrote in to inform us she always gets her period at the same time CREEM arrives each month, and asked if she would become pregnant if her subscription ran out. “Please answer quickly,” she added. “This month’s issue is already late...”

Kwik Kuts—-The Stars •“Do you think it would destroy my credibility if I flew in the same plane as Wayne Newton?”

Joan Jett

• ‘‘The more records we sell, the more money we get. and the more drugs we get!"

—Nikki Sixx, Motley Crue •“So FUCK YOU. I knew we could sell in Dubuque!"

—Dee Snider. Twisted Sister

• "Until Tom wrote 'In The Name Of Love,' we were boring."

—Joe Leeway Thompson Twins •"Why no interview? Do you want to know more about meeee?"

—Will Powers

Kwik Kuts—Captions Can you recall the photos that go with the following epic captions’? •So that's why you were wearin' Mom's dress eh Wally?

•No thanks! I never accept wieners onstage, even if they have toasted buns'

•Good God—that poodle! I know

•“Those Martian sleep bunnies . making me drowsy! They give off a ray that affects the human mind like an anesthetic!" •You mean this isn't the place to get your eyes professionally dilated?

Dating a moron? Why I am!

Lino Forms To The Left Of Marianne Faithful!

A Hell’s Angel identified only as “Butch*!! totd the Senate Judiciary Committee his fellow wheelie admirers have an “open contract” out on the life of Mick Jagger because of the embarrassment he caused everyone concerned at Altamont Butch?

Not Your Head, Silly ZZ Top turned down an offer from Gilette to shave their beards

on national TV for mucho dollars. 'Tm afraid to do it." admitted Billy Gibbons "I'm convinced we’re too ugly!”

Snack Food Ruled Inadmissable Kiss & Tell revealed Paul Young’s "nom de dicke": King Dong.

She's Just Lucky

It Wasn’t Paul YOURS Yes guitarist Trevor Rabin was relaxing with a cool dip in his hotel pool when an Unidentified Flying Fat Lady came roaring down the slide and landed smack dab on the English lad’s midsection, rupturing his spleen.

True Meaning Behind “Spoonful” Exposed! Creem’s Cincy correspondent discovers to his horror that X guitarist Billy Zoom—this is almost too horrible to describe— eats spoonfuls of Coffeemate right out of the jarf

Activity Wheels Hell Johnny “Rotten” Lydon finally revealed where late Sex Pistol cohort Sid Vicious got his zany monicker. Sid was named after Johnny’s hamster.

Fun, Fun, Fun TM Daddy Takes The Sorghum Futures Away As an initiation to god-knowswhat, Ozzy Osbourne’s playful road crew climbed up into the lighting rig during opening act Motley Crue’s set and dumped huge sacks of white, powdery flour On the guys. At least, it took■ ed like flour...

Fat’s Incredible . Before the reformed Deep Pur, pie could hit the road, bossman Ritchie Blackrnore sent three of

'em to a New England fat farm to get back into rock 'n' roll shape. Only two returned.

Finger Lickin’ Good Most fetching among the startling incidents revealed in Paolo Hewitt's biography of the Jam was the night Paul Weller urinated on the counter at a Kentucky Fried Chicken establishment.

First Glue:

They Weren’t Balloons / Thompson Twin Bailey complained, “The other night, girls were blowing up balloons, taking their knickers off* wrapping them around the balloons and floating them onto the stage.”

Kwik Kuts—Readers •“Why should the farmer and the cowman be friends?”—-Jennifer & Dee, Savannah, GA I ^1 now get a better buzz listening to ‘Crimson And Clover’ than smoking a hooter^*—TedWagner, Lancaster, CA •“Is sthat a fish stick in pocket, or do you just smell j •‘.bad?’ ’—Anonymous and Lost, Denver, CO

•‘‘Who needs to know howj|| count?”—Leppard Sucks/Priest Kies, Oakland. CA •“Is there any chance of getting my stamp back?”—Mike Gucci, Las Vegas. NV

Lennon Sisterss Slaves Of Satan? Hot-headed member of the Church Of The Open Door in Greensburg, PA, burned records by Black Sabbath Kiss, Iron Malden and Lawrence Welk? “We believe!” explained pulpiteer Tom Gernert, “that a dancing foot and a praying knee don’t belong on the same leg.”

Shaft—Can Ya’ Dig It?

his eviction train the NYC luxury apartment building because his constant rehearsals were driving them all nutso. “You could hear the sound of his electric piano through the elevator shaft. Dreadful!' ’ complained One irate tenant. And she didn’t even have to buy a ticket!

Plural Of Dildo Revealed Consumer Guide activist Robert Christgau set aside his usual sober, hornrimmed analysis to engage in Ms own “Turkey Shoot”! \

•Hagar, Schon, Aarohson, Shrieve: “No point complaining about these grizzled dildos "

•Laid Back: “If you wanna be rich, scratch*’em where they itch.

•Motley Qnie: “It's hardly news that this platinum product is utter dogshit.”

sexually jhsecure yourig mien Whose brains are up their asses ”

And (man Lababedi Is Tinker Belle Mptley Crue guitar-torturer Mick Mars convinces foolish reader Teena Prescott he’s Robert Allen Dio, Ronnie James’s cousin.