THE BOOK OF HEAVY METAL LISTS ATTENTION HEADBANGERS! BE LISTLESS NO MORE!

THE BOOK OF HEAVY METAL LISTS ATTENTION HEADBANGERS! BE LISTLESS NO MORE!

Rick Johnson

Heavy Metal music and crummy science fiction movies have a lot in common. They both eventually will end? No such luck, little cinematographers.

We’re talking about such endearing traits as fun-though-predictable, lousy and great at the same time, and loud if you sit too close. It’s like sci-fi film & poster expert Alan Adler said about The Land Unknown: “Not the first or last mythical kingdom discovered by a blundering expedition 83 minutes before the setting is destroyed by volcanic eruption.”

You can say the same thing about the double deerslug barrels of Heavy Metal rock. Just substitute Ronnie James Dio for “mythical kingdom,” the new Van Halen album for “volcanic eruption” and you, the listener for “blundering expedition.”

You still don’t see the connection? Well, that’s OK. To be honest with you, I’m pretty sure nobody out there is even reading any of this typographical bed rest by this paragraph. Really! Watch: Testing! 1-2-3-4! Testing! Yoohoooooo! See? Rotorooter calling, nobody home.

Therefore, I’d like to take this time to announce that I will not rest until the person or persons responsible for the creation of The Courtship Of Eddie's Father are publicly shaved head to toe with an electric carving knife, preferably rusty. Don’t think I’m just “kidding” either. Have you seen the little shit who played Eddie around lately? No? Then c’mon over and see my new toilet seat cover sometime.

Now that we’ve got that settled, we can go on to something that really matters, the dim association of what were previously thought to be unrelated Heavy Metal facts. Huh? You’d rather watch A-Team? Good idea—think I’ll pull up a chair, or better yet, a face, and join ya!

Six Snappy Comebacks To Remarks That Were Begging For It

1. Billy Squier: “I’ve devised a method of turning hotel rooms into aquariums.” NOT TO MENTION PEOPLE’S BRAINS, BILLY!

2. Pat Benatar: “You can’t go on the road for six months if you’re pregnant.” TOO BAD YOUR MAMA DIDN’T TRY IT, ANTFACE!

3. Kevin DuBrow, Quiet Riot: “My

response to people thinking Quiet Riot made its career by living off Randy Rhoads’s name is I’d like to take my fist and shove it up their asses.” OOOOO, WILL YOU, BIG BOY?!

4. Mick Mars, Motley Crue: “You can’t just bang the shit out of a guitar.” HOW THE HELL WOULD YOU KNOW?

5. David Lee Roth, Van Halen: “I tried jogging but the ice kept falling out of the cup.” SO DON’T PUT YOUR JOCKSTRAP IN THE DRYER NEXT TIME, MORON!

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6. Linda Ratcliffe, Journalist:“Are there going to be any new changes in CREEM?” NO, JUST OLD CHANGES, FOOL!

Eight Definitions Of Heavy Metal By Those In “The” Know

1. “It’s hard. It’s fast.’’

—Steve Harris, Iron Maiden

2. “Anything with a crunchy sound.” —Warren DeMartini, Ratt

3. “HM are also the initials for Hate Moms, Hilarious Mumbo-Jumbo and of course Horrible Music.”

—Dave DiMartino

4. “The concept of Yoo-hoo redefined.”—attributed to FDR

5. “It’s party music. It’s escapism. You can come home from work and it’s nice to hear somebody sing about girls and beer.”—Joe Elliott, Def Leppard

6. “You know, like the sound of a cinderblock hurricane striking a petting zoo at lunchtime."—att. to Sue Whitall

7. “Heavy Metal is the ‘lost’ plutonium, the shriek of the mutilated and chemically scarred, the music that unites the Cosmic Children under the Atomic Cloud of Screech.”—att. to “The Editors”

8. “Bare-chested men with silly hairdos.”—Sylvie Simmons

Four Breezes Of Faint Praise From Official Biographies

1. “Heralded by the Canadian press as the most important new band to emerge in 1983...” (Platinum Blonde)

2. “...with the band at last having a lineup which has played on two consecutive albums, Iron Maiden’s musicianship reaches new heights.”

3. “It is only the general public which has been blinded by Lita’s good looks and youthful image.” (Lita Ford)

4. “There’s a story behind Bill Ward’s reemergence as the drummer in Black Sabbath...”

Five Examples Of Stating The Obvious

1. “I’ve always had difficulty seeing members of Rush as rock stars.” —Neil Peart, Rush

2. “Rock Goddess certainly will not be confused with other groups.”—Jody Turner, Rock Goddess. THAT’S BECAUSE THEY BITE THE—oops, wrong list!

3. “The makeup never wrote a single note—we did!”—Paul Stanley, Kiss

4. “I don’t go out there to be sexy.” —Darby Mills, Headpins

5. “I don’t think our looks have that much to do with our success.”—Rudy Sarzo, Quiet Riot

Kwik Kwiz:

Guess The Song Title!

1. “Baby I’m not f-f-f-foolin’/Ah f-foolin’/Ff-f-f-foolin’/Ah f-f-foolin’ ”

2. “Well I’m back, back, back, back, back, back/Well I’m back in black/Yeah I’m back, back, back in black’’

3. “It’s hard/lt’s very, very, very, very hard/So very hard”

4. “Lick it up/Lick it up/Oh, oh, oh/Ooh yeah/Lick it up/Lick it up/Oh, oh, oh/Come on, come on, lick it up, lick it up/Oh, oh, oh/Come on”

Answers: 1. Def Leppard, “Foolin’ 2. AC/DC. "Back In Black”; 3. The Who. “It’s Hard”; 4. Kiss, “Lick It Up”

Five Foolishly Admitted Influences

1. David Lee Roth: Al Jolson

2. Bruce Dickinson, Iron Maiden: Arthur Brown and Aqualung

3. Vince Neil, Motley Crue: Aerosmith and Kiss

4. Matthias Jabs, Scorpions: Johnny Winter

5. Tommy Shaw, Styx: Tin Pan Alley

Six Amazing Though Basically Useless Fax

1. Thin Lizzy/Grand Slammer Phil Lynott has published two books of poetry!

2. Rob Halford (Judas Priest) is

nicknamed Marquis di Suede!

3. David Lee Roth is “originally” a Hoosier!

4. Go-Go Kathy Valentine was once with Girlschool!

5. Dennis Stratton, fearless leader of Lionheart, started out with Iron Maiden!

6. If you hold your tongue between your thumb and index finger while saying “I was born on a pirate ship,” it’ll sound just like “I was born on a pile of shit”!

Five Sets Of Famous Last Words

1. “It would be a criminal act to break up Led Zeppelin.”

—Jimmy Page

2. “I think you’re going to see a few slower songs on the next album.” —Mike Reno, Loverboy

3. “I feel like I’m a fully integrated member of Black Sabbath now,”

—Ian Gillan

4. “I did not tear her clothes off!” —Bruce Dickinson, Iron Maiden

5. "Immoral!? All that cover showed was a girl, a man and a dog!”

—Klaus Meine, Scorpions

Five Snips Of Incredibly Lousy Lyrics

1. “Well I’m frustrated, not outdated/I really wanna be overrated”—Quiet Riot, “Mental Health”

2. “The old place don’t seem the same anymore/Yesterday’s dreams are discarded on the bathroom floor”—Night Ranger, “Why Does Love Have To Change”

3. “Oh, you’re so condescending/Your gall is never ending.”—Twisted Sister, “We’re Not Gonna Take It”

4. “City woman, you know I miss your smell/City Woman, I hope I see you in Hell”—Arrogance, “City Woman”

5. “Troubled times/Caught between confusion and pain, pain/Promises we made were in vain, vain, vain”—Journey, “Separate Ways”

Six Answers To Trivial Pursuit Questions Of The Future

1. Pissing on the headmaster’s vegetables

2. Iron Butterfly, Captain Beyond, Dokken, Quiet Riot

3. Hiroshima

4. Leathur, Bludgeon Riffola

5. Wicked Lester

6. “Permanently discolored toenails”

Six Trivial Pursuit Questions Of The Future

1. Why did Bruce Dickinson get expelled from school?

2. Name four useless bands Juan Croucier played with before he joined Ratt?

3. What was the name of Rob Halford’s pre-Priest group?

4. When Motley Crue and Def Leppard put out their own records, what did they call the labels?

5. Twisted Sisteroid Jay Jay French played in what early version of Kiss?

6. What did David Lee Roth bring back from his trip down the Amazon?

Five Statements We Bet They Wish They’d Never Made

1. “In the Midwest, we’re a coliseum act. In the East and South, we’re a coliseum act. But in the Northeast, we’re shit.” —Michael Hirsh, Rush stage manager

2. “When you’ve got such a pretty face, it’s a shame to hide it.”

—Paul Stanley, Kiss

3. “Van Halen sounds pretty good, what I’ve heard of him so far.”

—Phil Lynott, Thin Lizzy

4. “We sent the new album to K-Mart to see if it was acceptable.”

—Kenny Laguna, Joan Jett’s manager

5. “I hang out with a guy who owns half the Bahamas and has butlers with names like Johnson.”—David Lee Roth

Five Famous Feuds

1. Scorpions vs. Iron Maiden (Because the Scorps say Maiden scared away all the girls from their doubleheader shows)

2. David Lee Roth vs. Sammy Hagar (Because Sammy’s jealous of DLR’s dancing ability)

3. Judas Priest vs. Iron Maiden (Because Maiden swiped Priest’s guitar set-up)

4. Ozzy Osbourne vs. Motley Crue (Ozzy replaced the Crue with Slade as his opening act because Slade are managed by his wife)

5. Fastway vs. Motorhead (Because... neither can remember right now)

Six Nails In Kevin “Most Hated Man In The Biz” DuBrow’s Coffin

1. “How can I take myself so seriously? Money, man.”

2. “My Mom quit her job because now I have her on salary.”

3. “Quiet Riot and the Beatles both have a very broad-based appeal.”

4. “I just love that picture of me.”

5. “I take full, 100 percent responsibility for all the shitty L.A. bands that are being signed.”

6. “I never pay my bills anymore. I haven’t got the time.”

Five Exceedingly Rare Examples Of Cool Heavy Metal Lyrics

1. “Life is a waiting room/I hope they don’t call me soon”—Zebra, “Who’s Behind The Door”

2. “I don’t need to/Spend my money/But still do”—Slade, Quiet Riot, Mama’s Boys; “Mama Weer All Crazee Now”

3. “Turn the spotlights on the people/Switch the dial and eat the worm” —Iron Maiden, “Back In The Village”

4. “Can’t catch no dose from a hot tail poontang sweetheart sweat/Who could make silk puss from a J. Paul Get/And his ear with her face in her beer”—att. to Aerosmith. “Last Child”

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5. “Nofun/Mah babe/No fun”—Stooges. “No Fun”

Five Unusually Candid Admissions

1. “If I’m not diving off buildings or throwing up all over, they think I’m ill.”

—Ozzy Osbourne

2. “My glory is about two inches below my belt buckle. If you don’t want to share it, fuck you!”—David Lee Roth

3. “Our songs are about lust, not love.”—Jon Bon Jovi

4. “We don’t bring naked girls onstage. We leave them back at the hotel.” —Stephen Pearcy, Ratt

5. “Basically, we’re just a bunch of dirtbags.”—Dee Snider, Twisted Sister

CREEM’s Four Best Heavy Metal Captions

1. Rush: “Alex approaches a mind-melt with Donnie Iris while Geddy Lee wonders if he renewed his subscription to Plate World magazine.”

2. Bad Company: “We’re so bad, we formed a company!”

3. Freddie Mercury, Queen: “I yam a seesy, senor! I no fight you!”

4. Led Zep: “Two or three trips to the cornfield with Robert Plant and Granny won’t need Fido anymore...”

Eight Unrelated Quotes The Author Couldn’t Fit Into A List But Really Wanted To Use Anyway

1. “I just can’t figure why some people keep dumping on us.”

—Alex Lifeson, Rush

2. “Joan Jett’s a chick who sweats like a man.”—Kenny Laguna

3. “I look at Van Halen’s music as a cross between religion and hockey.”

—David Lee Roth

4. “Anyone who says we have anything to do with promoting the devil is full of shit.”—Bruce Dickinson, Iron Maiden

5. “I played with the same old boring farts for 10 years in Black Sabbath.”

—Ozzy Osbourne

6. “Women have been taking off their clothing at our shows lately.”

—Geoff Tate, Queensryche

7. “I didn’t enjoy a lot of the music Queen were doing on the last few albums.”

—Brian May

8. “JOIN THE CLUB, BUSTER!”

—The Author

Seven Best Sets Of Heavy Metal Buns As Rated In The Order Of Our Readers Preferences

1. Joe Elliott, Def Leppard

2. David Lee Roth, Van Halen

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3. K.K. Downing, Judas Priest

4. Vince Neil, Motley Crue

5. Eddie Van Halen

6. Billy Squier

7. Billy Squier?

Seven Stupidest Looking Haircuts

1. Udo Dirkschneider, Accept

2. Robbin Crosby, Ratt

3. Fat guy in Y&T

4. Which fat guy?

5. The short fat guy

6. Dee Snider, Twisted Sister

7. Any member of Styx or REO Speedwagon

The Two Most Important Events In Recent Heavy Metal History

1. “The Night Of Way Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls”—when Van Halen hung full

sized sex dolls from the rafters at a show

2.“The Dallas Waterworks Incident”— when an inspired Judas Priest fan climbed up on their lighting rig and pissed on ’em.

Seven Acts That Kickass Magazines Sez Aren’t Heavy Metal

1. Quiet Riot

2. Ratt

3. Def Leppard

4. Motley Crue

5. Heaven

6. Vandenberg

7. Scorpions

Seven Acts That Kickass Magazine Sez Are Heavy Metal

1. Metallica

2. Anthrax

3. Anvil

4. Raven

5. Slayer

6. Venom

7. Sodom

Seven Still-Unused Great Names For A Heavy Metal Band

1. Better Off Dead

2. Lek

3. Carpet Myth #12

4. Eat Fuck, Shitface

5. Steel Toast

6. Rustee Koathanger

7. Scooby-Doo’s Over So Why Go On Living