MAIL

MAI I

Send all your hot 'n' heavy love letters, vicious hate mail, warped comments, and tamper-proof food products to:

MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O. Box P-1064 Birmingham, Ml 48012

WHAT CLUB?

Since you’re the only magazine who prints letters that aren’t even worth reading, I decided to write and join the club.

Creem of the Crop

Ukiah, CA

AGE OLD INQUIRY

I’m writing to you because writing is one of the only things I’m allowed to do right now. I’m in a big fight with my parents because I wasn’t hungry for dinner and instead of eating I was on the phone. Big crime! Well, while I was on the phone my mom pulled the cord out, so I agreed to eat my damn dinner. My mom and dad started giving me a lot of crap telling me they think I’m on dope. Well, forget them, I should start doing some crank! Well, I just had to tell someone my problems. Thanks for listening.

White Dope On Punk

Bound Brook, NJ

P.S. Why are parents such a pain in the ass? (Because they’re there.—Ed.)

HERE WE GO AGAIN

I love all ya do on the Crue, but could ya manage to do more on ’em without make-up? I would love to see Vince and Nikki without makeup!

Motley Crue Dude

Vinceville, U.S.A.

(Does the name Gene Simmons mean anything to you?—Ed.)

ALEX VAN HALEN, DRUMS LINKED!

Alex Van Halen is ugly. Second of all, ya wanna know why he’s got so many drums in his kit? ’CAUSE HE’S AFRAID HE MIGHT MISS ONE, that’s why!

Former Van Halen Fan

Daytona Beach, FL

"LIKABLE IN A BORING WAY"

You criticize the music, so I’ll criticize your writers. In the words of Roddy Piper, “Line ’em up and watch ’em fall!”

J. Kordosh — Has written negative articles about Kinks, Pretenders and Cheap Trick. Has written positive reviews/articles on Ozzy Osbourne, Judas Priest, Black Sabbath and Joe Walsh. Definitely an intelligent guy.

Laura Fissinger—Has written for Hit Parader.

Toby Goldstein — Ditto.

Billy Altman — Contributed to the New Rolling Stone Record Guide, which Bill Holdship panned in CREEM.

Bill Holdship — Writes nice things about Bob Seger, John Cougar, pain and contemplating suicide.

Gregg Turner— Plays in the Angry Samoans and criticizes other people’s music.

John Mendelssohn — Absolutely perfect, just ask him.

Dave DiMartino, Joe Fernbacher—No comments necessary.

Edouard Dauphin — Icky but entertaining.

Joe Nesin — Likable in a boring way.

Rick Johnson — A true genius. Great critic. And you guys at CREEM are nice enough to us readers to not print his picture in the mag when he wins Critic of the Year. Therefore, the rest of you are forgiven.

Steven Crawford

Sacramento, CA

(C’mon, Mrs. Johnson! Nesin’s name is Jeff!— Ed.)

GOSH DARN THAT BOY-KING!

Edouard Dauphin is my idol. Will this affect my ability to have children?

Beware the Moon,

Little Spaz Lycanthrope

P.S. SCHMOO BOOBLA LOVES YOU ALL! (Depends on what you mean by “have”!—Ed.)

PERFECT KISS ANALOGY

Greetings from the outer realms of society. On behalf of Mary Gross, Andy Rooney, and Xavier Horowitz Barkowski III, I would like to know why some humans can't cease their bitching about offensive reviews on their synthetic idols and look at things objectively and respect other’s opinions, no matter how blatantly offensive and intellectually ignorant they may appear. Oh goodness, whip out the Puffs, there’s a rude review of Asia in last month’s issue. Forget ’em! CREEM is among the highest low forms of rock literature, excessively sarcastic outlooks on drug-crazed, over/under-

weight insane personalities and stupid humor anywhere. As the old saying goes: Opinions are like old Kiss albums. Everyone’s got one and they’re all stupid.

Eric Martin

Cola, SC

TRAIL OF EVIDENCE

If Jimi Hendrix taught Christie Brinkley to dance, then she must have taught Billy Joel to sing. In turn, he taught Michael Anthony to paint his bass, right?

Mike the “T”

Love Street, Springfield

P.S. What does W.D.F.A. stand for anyway? (World’s Dumbest Food Angler?—Ed.)

NEW MOON ON MONDAY?

Within the last four months, I have been “mooned” by two of the best guitarists in the world: Eddie Van Halen and Angus Young. 470 days ago, David Lee Roth strutted in front of me wearing seatless black leather chaps. So much butt, so little time!

Two more things.. .well, one more thing! I want Neil Zlozower’s body and when I grow up, I want to live with him in the caption writer’s hut.

Tit 4 Tat

Sin City, VH

DURAN DURAN DURAN

As your introductory paragraph stated, I’m sure you are going to receive thousands of letters from outraged fans on your Duran Duran article. Well, we would like to throw our two cents worth in. You want petty, you got it!

Nick Rhodes does not resemble Mickey Dolenz in any way, shape or form! The man is a total talent and a total fox! And how you ever came up with that one is beyond us.

“Improper interest in other Geminis.” The only Gemini that we know associated with Nick Rhodes is John Taylor. Are you trying to imply something with that remark?

“Cosmetic Graveyard.” Nick’s makeup is wonderfully original and adds to that cute little face!

“The Mirror”? Are you implying that Nick is vain?!

“It’s so E-Z to act like...a prima donna in this profession.” You have a lot of nerve saying this article is in their own words. Sure Nick said that, but you took it out of context and neglected to say that Duran Duran realizes this and tries to avoid acting that way!

Simon John Charles Le Bon is a totally awesome name and don’t you forget it!

Simon’s lyrics are beautiful and make perfect sense if you have a brain.

“Invented the bad joke method of birth control”?

Is Chickie Scott Bobrowich really Andy’s mysterious nickname or did you make it up?

“Enormous Spatula”? Andy is an excellent guitar player. He rivals Eddie Van Halen and Stevie Ray Vaughan in our estimates.

“Glass jars, pelicans.” “Flatulence.” As you would say “We’re sooooo sure!”

“Puke!” How would anyone puke looking at that cute, adorable, handsome, gorgeous face? We can certainly see why he could scream after we read this article!

John Taylor is not obnoxious, so therefore he could not have made a “Most recent obnoxious remark”!

We’ve noticed that you seem to enjoy picking on John and we’ve come to the conclusion that you are jealous. But we can’t understand why, just because he is a perfect babe and you are obviously quite lacking is no reason to take it out on him and make other people, who read this magazine and don’t know Duran Duran well enough to know better think that he is a spoiled rock star, when he most certainly is not! So on behalf of all Duran Duran fans (especially John’s): Stick it!

Nicole, Annie, Joan, Roz, & Simone

Vermont, 1L

You’re damn right you’re going to get letters from angry Duranies! That’s what you get when you’re a rotten reporter!

Mrs. Marlene Rhodes

Chase Mills, NY

I read and enjoyed tremendously your “real” quotes from Duran Duran. Having been a fan of the band for two years, I must say 1 don’t agree with the easy dismissal your magazine has issued to the boys, but I must say it was funny!

So I thought I’d share my assessment of your talents with you.

Jackie

Rio, Rio

...Rick Johnson should be ashamed of himself. How dare he put down Duran Duran!...

Forever faithful Duranie

Planet Rio

We purchased your CREEM British Invasion magazine and were very much disappointed in the way you put down all British rock groups such as Duran Duran, Culture Club, Billy Idol and the Beatles. We were especially disappointed in the article “Duran Duran: In Their Own Words...”

...we do realize that they have feet and they even fart, but you have to remember that they are only people...

Concerned Duranoids

In WV

...if John’s tie-knotting technique is different, then let it be different...

X-CREEM Readers!

Chattanooga, TN

...you’re working for some strange, alien magazine...

H.V. 23187 (my fan club number)

B.C., Canada

In reply to all the “Rio’s on Planet Earth,” in other words, the Duranies of the world, who get mad about the captions you put under Duran Duran’s picture, I love those captions and would like to congratulate CREEM for them!

Ex-DD Fan

Original Sin, RI

I was a bit disappointed at your article, “Duran Duran in their own words.” Though I disagree on your opinion, and am only 10, my views are very different on account of that article. All I’m doing in this letter is giving you a bit of “constructive criticism.” But I do have to give you credit for giving Duran Duran fans some information, which we mostly enjoyed. Maybe your opinion of them is different from mine, please try to keep a good outlook for your fan’s opinion, (and yours).

Leizle Talandbayan

Narberth, PA

Even though I am a fan of Duran Duran, I still enjoyed the article you wrote on them. I found all the quotes very interesting. I may be very dense, but I was wondering if you could please explain what you mean when you said Roger Taylor’s recent accomplishment was that he “invented the bad joke method of birth control.” S.R.

TURN TO PAGE 69

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 10

Planet, Planet

(It means his knock-knock jokes never come true! Incidentally, if anybody out there somehow missed our CREEM Close-Up: The British Invasion, zip us $2.95 [plus $1.50 for postage and handling] today!—Ed.)

WATCH OUT BELOW!

Nnrrt elp foogie ung (oops, sorry, wrong language!)

Hey (Ed.), did you realize that there is an island off the coast of California where 17.9% of the seagulls are gay?

Gay Seagull Society Philadelphia, PA

(We liked the other language better. —Ed.)