KISS & TELL

KISS & TELL

Jaan Uhelszki

by

Trouble In Paradise: You wouldn�t think anything would furrow any of Duran Duran�s unlined brows, would you? I mean, the fab five have swelling bank accounts, thousand-dollar suits from South Molton Street, and are the darlings of the Royal set. What could be wrong? Their social life. John Taylor complained in these very pages of the irony of all those adoring minions screaming wildly through their stage show, and still he can�t get laid. Water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Nick Rhodes carne up with a solution to this problem— BYO. The dashing keyboardist has brought his American girlfriend. Julie Ann Friedman, a dark-haired vixen from Des Moines� more privileged suburbs (in a word, a real JAP, if you know what I mean). Although this solution for the frustrations of road fever has become a problem in itself. Our heroine wasn�t quite prepared for all the attention lavished on her man, and began to get just a teenie bit jealous. Petulance grew into outrage, and by the time the couple got to the Apple, they began taking out their personal problems on innocent pieces of hotel furniture. The first incident Kiss & Tell heard of was the terrible atrocities inflicted on a bedside telephone in Manhattan�s Berkshire Hotel. Rhodes blandly explained that Ms. Friedman �can�t stand the calls anymore, so she ripped the phone from the wall.� That episode was mild compared to the shameless assault on the defenseless living room set, not to mention the cruelties commited to the walnut veneer chiffonier at San Francisco�s elegant Clift House. The feisty twosome got into such a cat fight over Nick�s supposed attentions to a winsome California blonde that they caused damages in excess of $3,000 to their sumptuous suite. Somebody, quick, call the Anti-Cruelty To Formica Association, and nip this ifi the bud...Boys Will Be Boys: Motley Crue, those third generation glam-rockers, are certainly cutting a wide swath through the groupie population on their current swing through the hinterlands. The �Crude� have honed backstage perversity to such a high level that it would even bring a hlush to Gene Simmon�s cheeks. Ask me later about Motley�s own version of spin the bottle—Fatty Arbuckle style. I know you�ll be relieved to hear that everyone isn�t susceptible to Nikki Sixx�s unique charms. It seems Sixx and Jake E. Lee of Ozzy Osbourne�s band were out carousing the streets of New Orleans when the twosome thought it might be amusing to relieve an amply endowed dancer of her too tight t-shirt (you think they�d learn after what happened to Iron Maiden�s Bruce Dickinson). Unfortunately for Nikki and Jake, the now disrobed dancer�s boyfriend just happened to be the bouncer for the club, and he one-two punched the both of them. The high-spirited duo returned to their hotel with their tails between their legs, so to speak, not to mention a slashed hand and a shiner apiece. And you thought it was just mascara all this time. Keep Us In Stitches: Does anyone know why Eddie Van Halen had to have 20 stitches in his head? What do you mean to get to the other side? Oh I get it, but did he?...Kissy Face: Kiss�s dishy Paul Stanley has been spending his off hours squiring Knots Landing�s Lisa �C.G.� Hartman around town. The twosome has been seen on the social circuit on both coasts, looking very taken with each other. Do you think the flamboyant Paul had anything to do with that pink streak in Hartman�s blonde hair? Maybe he�s �grooming� her to replace Kiss guitarist, Vinnie Vincent, who is supposedly leaving the band for �financial reasons.� DoesJ that mean they don�t enough? I thoughtnot. They must belong Boy George member of Ihu band a set wage of 180 pouniBi week (that's roughly $24Sj3fasrfWer:can). j plowing tjjji rest of the. money back intoiffte band. IlBlfpKbu George is apparently just as careful what all they the label t^B^Hjfc%Ciul> Jjjjj records for, istIPIPjjKWPljMjBEM wondering what the^unlpblfea**1®® George will sound like. They have initiated an aggressive campaign to get the boy back on the cow juice...Leave The Driving To Us: Alien guitarist and cultural avatar Ric Ocasek has finished producing six tracks for equally alien avatar Iggy Pop�s new album. What do you mean, isn�t David Bowie jealous? We�re all adults here. Meanwhile, David and his other friend, Mick Jagger, have reportedly been bankrolling writer Tom Stoddard to pen a movie for the two of them. Could this be our modern day Bedford and Newman? No? Then how about Beauty and the Beast? As you know, Bowie and Jagger have a long history of share and sharing alike (you all remember Angie, don�t you, not to mention Bowie�s summer fling with Bianca at the US Festival?), so it�s no surprise that Mick is borrowing Bowie�s band for his solo album—which he should be starting sometime after his band plays the Olympics. Wha^sJhis about an important ^■nHBjAftrait the band will be Stay Jimmy Page finally broke down *and took a trip downtown to the dentist to get his teeth fixed. I mean, if Keith Richards can fix up the old fangs, why can�t -Pagev* On the waterfront, Paul Hodgers has bailed out of the supposedly forming, and Jimmy is unknowns,� as he imaginatively is Mintto call them. He also is ®rcilening lu bring them over to aHBHBHBFfn the near future. Bp9rt*¥!old your breath... Smell The Glove: What did Brooke Shield�s gynecologist find? Michael Jackson�s other glove...That�s called comic relief. This is called goodbye, but remember—if you have to Kiss & Tell, Kiss & Tell me.