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MAIL

Send all your hot 'n' heavy love letters, vicious hate mail, warped comments, and tamper-proof food products to:

MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O. Box P-1064 Birmingham, Ml 48012

BOY GEORGE, TOASTERS LINKED!

I have something totally, wickedly, truly important to tell you! Sting eats bananas at Porte Charles. Billy Idol eats a lemon. David Bowie finds a diamond. The B-52’s find a moldy tomato. Tom Petty throws a boot over a fence. Robert Plant throws a banana next to his radiator. Adam Ant jumps over coconuts. Peter Schilling took a ride with Santa Claus and his reindeers. Rick Savage turns into a scarecrow. Robert Plant eats a pumpkin. John Cougar Mellencamp chases aardvarks. David Bowie jumps over the moon. Big Country throws a lemon on their roof. Joe Elliott sings with the Roadrunner. Mike Reno finds a worm next to a marble. Eddie Grant eats mashed potatoes. Duran Duran eat roman candles. Greg Kihn vacuums. Boy George buys a toaster. That’s a load off my mind.

Snuffy the Fire Engine

Manchester, NH

P.S. Ed., have you eaten a raisin today?

WHY ELMO CAN'T SIT DOWN

Every month, with a five dollar bill in his mouth, my dog Sassy goes down to the bookstore to buy two copies of CREEM, one for me and one for him. Sassy thought Turner’s review of Born Again was typical of a moron who should do a story on his fave group, Three Dog Night. He hates Stray Cats and Cat Stevens, by the way. In fact, while watching Dogs Of War on TV, Sassy came up with a great record review for Bark At The Moon, should you need another one. It would also interest you to know that my dog has (gasp!) BITTEN ELMO! This happened while Sassy was antagonizing filmgoers outside Cat People. All in all, Sassy thinks your mag is “Bark, Growl, Ruff” (great). And in regard to the Lonely Unicorn in Moose Country, you’ll get yours June first!

Lome Green

S. Cerney, England

P.S. I’m into sadism, bestiality and necrophelia. Does that mean I’m flogging a dead horse?

A LETTER WITH APPEAL

I had a dream about Bananarama last night and it wasn’t dirty!

Trash Fiend

Old Bridge, NJ

DAMN THE ELMO MAN!

I love Elmo. Elmo’s my best buddy in the world. We met at this sleazy Detroit rock club. He used my beer as an ashtray. Said his name was Elmo, asked if I’d heard of him. No, I hadn’t. Said he was associated with your magazine. I asked him why he noticed me out of all the women in the bar, he said he liked women in leather.

After we met, we got outta the crummy bar and went to some cheap Japanese joint. All 1 remember was raw fish, gallons of saki and a convention of Lithuanian bell boys. Then 1 lost my head. I was a fool. I went back to his hotel with him. I was young and reckless. Together we were two crazy kids, except for him. He was insane.

I let him have his way with me.

Last week I gave birth to a 71b. 8oz. baby girl. Her name is Jamie Rae. She doesn’t look like me or Elmo, but like Jimmy Honeyman-Scott.

The doctors say that Elmo is just an illusion from too many drugs, but I know better. Keith Moon, Sid Vicious, Peter Farndon, Marc Bolan and Janis Joplin have fold me I’m just fine. So I’ll just believe them. I never gave a flying anchovy for any doctors, so there!!!!!

Chrissie Scott

Substance Abuse Center

St. Clair Shores, MI

BAG IT, FOR SURE!

I’ve read you mag for quite a while now, and it’s time I wrote a letter. I have some advice for supermarket baggers and checkers. Here it is:

1. Learned how to pack a bag.

For instance, do not put bananas on cans. These groceries have to travel, and invariably the bananas get bruised. If you are in a situation where you MUST put bananas on cans, place the bananas in a small paper bag. All very sensitive produce should be afforded this treatment if necessary—pears, peaches, squash (no puns).

2. Acquire a perfunctory, if not artistic, knowledge of what it is you are dealing with.

By this I mean fruits and vegetables; they require this extra knowledge since they don’t have the UPC! Don’t ask me how many times I’ve had to explain to a naive checker what a golly darned zucchini is! I’m talking Safeway and Pantry Pride here!

Produce education includes basic handling. Pr?.tend each apple was your head.

a.. Don’t hurL

b. Don’t bowl.

c. Don’t fling.

I spend my time selecting uninjured food—don’t spend your time pulping it.

3. Packing meats.

High-moisture meats, such as chicken and fish, can leak even if seemingly wellwrapped. Put these in a small plastic or paper bag and lay them right side up on top of heavy items. No need to make Chicken Kiev out of the whole chicken.

I hope this prevents some of the tears and frustration often associated with your profession. A last (I promise) bit of advice: finish school. 1 didn’t. It’s no bed of roses.

Goldstein (“One-Name”)

Could Be Your Town, U.S.A.

P.S. Please have more about the Clash (?). Strummer can mash my potatoes anytime.

MOM WRITES IN...

Did you know if you keep your hair in your face your eyes will cross?

Lost in

The Trashcan

ULTIMATE DURAN DURAN LETTER

1 like Duran Duran

Tracye Rhodes

Los Angeles, CA

99/2 JUST WON'T DO!

If you wonder how parents can care for quintuplets, imagine having 99 offspring. According to National Wildlife’s Ranger Rick magazine, water snakes are known to have as many as 99 young in one litter.

National Wildlife Federation

Washington, D.C.

GET DAUPH HIS CLOUD!

So the old absinthe-addict gives the thumbsdown to both Draughtman’s Contract and Angelo My Love? Big deal—Daffy Duck hates Swan Lake. I mean, hey Dauphin, Judith Crist you ain’t. You’re barely Rex Reed, so do try to stick to movies you understand, much as slime sticks to a toilet bowl.

Cordially,

Art Film

Downtown Beirut

WHAT COULD THIS MEAN?

I’m writing to tell you that you guys did a great job writing the article on Duran Duran. It was one of the best I’ve ever read. So keep up the good work.

LaKimbra Loveless

Chicago, IL

THIS'II KNOCK YA ON YOUR GLASSES!

People do all Sorts of things with sunglasses. Prop them on top of their heads. Toss them on the car dashboard. Spend $800 million a year on them.

Consumers do not have to be in the dark about sunglasses. You can give them the facts so that they can make intelligent decisions about such things as sUn lens material, tint, tint density and coatings. You can also tell them about recent research indicating that long-term exposure to small amounts of the sun’s ultraviolet radiation may contribute to cataracts and about how sunglasses with UV protection can help.

Communications Division

American Optometric Association

St. Louis, MO

(HICKIE'S BACK!

I’d like to write this letter and thank all you wonderful people who have written me. You all have had some very nice things to say, it’s really awesome to, get all that hate mail. I won’t have to get papers for my canary for years. And I won’t have to buy any fertilizer for quite a while. All those packages of bird, bat, and even gerbil waste were very helpful. My parents thank you too.

So keep those cards, letters and packages coming in. 1 love it when fools waste money.

Luv Ya All

Chickie Scott Bobrowich

Dupont, CO

LITERALLY SICK

In your March issue, I literally got sick to my stomach when I read your review about Adam Ant written by Rick Johnson. There was only one good thing in the article and that was the excellent picture of Adam. As for the review, I really think you should ask yourselves,' “Is Rick Johnson really worth keeping on the payroll?”

K. Evans

Sylvania, OH

(We keep asking the same question!—Ed.)

HELL YES HE'S AFRAID!

Hey Editor, why don’t you ever print your real name? Are you afraid we will jump you? Or maybe your name is —Ed.

Airhead

Lone Branch, NJ

P.S. Figure out what I tried to ask?

BUTT OF OUR HUMOR

Has anybody ever noticed that, on the inside sleeve of Def Leppard’s High And Dry album, that there’s a picture of Rick Allen with shaving cream on? Look behind him, there is a mirror and you can see his nice ass.

JG & PG

Dayton, OH

BRING ON THE PEA SOUP!

Did you know I am possessed by a dead David Bowie fan? When I was nine years old, I was waiting in the car while my mother was getting Chinese food and “Space Oddity” came on the radio. At that moment, a David Bowie fan died and took over my body. I don’t even like David Bowie. But whenever I see a poster, record, or a magazine that has something to do with him, this spirit makes me buy it. Lately, I’ve had these sudden urges to dye my hair orange and shave my eyebrows. No, I’m not crazy. Hey! Who are you guys in the white jackets? I think you’re putting this coat on me backwards, and why are you tying the sleeves? Let me go! Help!

Ziggy Jr.

Freecloud, USA

NEW WAVE MATH

Have you ever tried to do your math homework with your eyeliner?

Dead in my room

Van Nuys, CA

FROM THE DESK OF GLEN CLARK

Hello! My name is Glen Clark, and I am giving you at CREEM the honor of being the first to know about my latest scientific breakthrough. You see I, Glen Clark, have discovered that when you chew Wintergreen Life Savers in the dark it makes green sparks. Seriously! It’s enough to make you pee sideways in’it? My female companion, Lisa, and I do it every night at 6:00. It’s better than watching Merv!

Scientifically Yours,

Glen Clark

Strasburg, PA

BAD, BAD, BAD

I think you should write the stories and WE (the readers) should decide how bad they are.

Julia Guerra

Kermit, TX

(Who’s gonna decide how bad you are?—Ed.)

POSSIBLE RELIGIOUS REFERENCE

I saw a listing for a film called The Big Country in TV Guide. Did Sidney Poitier play Tony?

Dick Hurtz

Rahway, NJ

DEATH OF AN AD MAN

Is Harvey the same thing as Elmo? I didn’t think so...

Yours in revenge,

Bambi N.

Grandview, MO

CITIZEN'S ARREST!

...and better yet, Phil Collins looks just like Ernest T. Bass of the Andy Griffith Show. T.G.M. Grahamcracker Spartanburg, SC

NON-OWNER OF THRILLER!

I don’t know about the rest of the world, but I am sick to my stomach with Michael Jackson. (Man cannot live by facelifts alone.) He’s become a commodity. He’s becoming white. He looks ghastly. His cheekbones are so high he looks almost appealing. I’m sick of his steroid-maid whine. Jesus! (My mailman, Jesus Rodriguez) Eddie Van Halen, how could you? I thought the four of your personalities were diverse enough to go it alone. I’ve lost all faith in Van Halen now. Perhaps 1984 can help me through it. As far as Michael Jackson is concerned, he’s a ripoff and the vinyl business has been taken for a ride.

A Mad Puerto Rican New Youk, NY

P.S. UUGH!

P.P.S. I’m not thrilled.