This time J. Kordosh has gone too far. The illustration on page 54 of your March issue borders on sacrilege, and I’m sure Kordosh is behind it (note the caption “Darn that Kordosh”). As Archbishop of the Archdiocese of Detroit, I feel it my duty to do something about this man.
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POPE DOPE
This time J. Kordosh has gone too far. The illustration on page 54 of your March issue borders on sacrilege, and I’m sure Kordosh is behind it (note the caption “Darn that Kordosh”). As Archbishop of the Archdiocese of Detroit, I feel it my duty to do something about this man. I’ve known him a long time (I met him through his good friend, the pope) and from the beginning he struck me as a warped, almost dangerous person. Now I know he is far more. Kordosh is not only dangerous, he is evil.
At first, I planned to cancel my subscription to CREEM in protest but now I have come up with a far better way to deal with his type. I have organized a special task force to handle problems like Kordosh. We will be paying him a visit at his small but comfortable suburban home very soon. Yes, we know where Kordosh lives. We had a little trouble navigating through his twisting, turning subdivision but once we came upon the house with Lite beer cans all over the front lawn, we knew we had the right place.
Our return trip will be for real. We will pick him up and “invite” him to accompany us for a little “chat”. I’m sure Mr. Kordosh will find our gettogether rather “captivating”.
It’s too late for Kordosh but Rick Johnson and the rest had better watch their step or they will be next.
Christ’s peace be with you,
Eddie Szoka and the Polish Inquisition
Detroit, Mich.
(What do you mean, “almost” dangerous!?—Ed.)
VAN HALEN, KENNEDY, DIMAGGIO LINKED!
Q: If Jon Anderson and Freddie Mercury fell out of an airplane, which one would hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?
Q: Conversely, if the Ramones and the Tubes fell out of an airplane, which ones would hit the ground first?
A: The Ramones. The Tubes would have to wait for the sheet music.
Q: If you had three apples, and I took three apples away from you, what would you be left with?
A: Toto.
Q: What do Teddy Kennedy and Alex Van Halen have in common?
A: Tommy Aaron and Dominic DiMaggio.
Q: What do you get when you mix Mellow Yellow with Coca-Cola and Dr. Pepper?
A: Icky Pop.
AND NOW, A QUICK QUIZ...
Q: If it takes Tony Iommi six years to figure out the chord changes to “Hideaway,” how long would it take six Tony Iommis?
Q: Train A takes three hours to go from Boston to New York. Train B takes three and a half hours. Total mileage traversed is 280 miles. How long would it take either of them to make the trip if they had to listen to “Karma Chameleon” until they got there?
Jim Sullivan
Dorchester, MA
P.S. ...and I’m especially tired of this “God is a painter, and I’m his favorite brush” attitude.
WET LOOK ALL OVER
When Michael Jackson takes a shower, does he put on a rubber glove?
Ronn “Sleazemaster” Trice
Washington, DC
ELMO GANG-MILKED!
Listen, listen-up people! You’ll never guess what I found out! Well, go ahead, guess! Oh, never mind, I’ll tell you anyway. I looked up this vital information in a very good source. It’s called The Complete Unabridged Super Trivia Encyclopedia. Is that cool or what? What? What’s that you say? Oh, you said what the hell am I talking about?! Well, you don’t have to swear! Oh well, I found out who Elmo really is. Here’s the info right from the book: Elmo—Elsie the Cow’s calf (Borden’s Milk). Does that put the icing on the cake or what? Don’t say, “or what.”
Trixie Rhodes
South Jersey, hJY
NO STONED MOOSES ALLOWED!
I’m sick and tired of people always picking on Canada. I wish they could realize Canada is a better place to live. Did you know that the crime rate is lower in Canada? Did you also know there are less people pushing drugs in Canada than in the U.S.?
Sick N. Tired •
Thorold, Canada
(Yeah, well what about all those Canadians PULLING drugs?—Ed.)
THEY CALL HER THE WANDA, UH...
Look, Ed., I am basically a happy person, OK? I have this really nice stationary and Joan Jett went to high school here, so why should I complain, right?
Wrong—oh so extremely hellishly wrong! Nick Tosches is a good writer and I’m glad he wrote an article about Wanda Jackson. I can forgive the godawful sentence he began the article with, but...!
He gets us all het up about Wanda’s 1958-1961 Capitol rock records, but he doesn’t tell us if they are/are not available in reissue! It’s taken me lo, this many days, since receiving the Feb. issue to do the job right, and other poor desperate readers might like to know they can get a double LP containing most of those records plus others from: Midnight Records, P.O. Box 390, Old Chelsea Station, N.Y.C., NY 10011.
1 hope other frenzied readers will now be at peace.
2 Kind 4 Words
Rockville, MD
TRY FISH-HEADS
We are writing to you because we need your help in addressing a major public health problem. Over the last 10 years, the incidence of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) has soared. When compared with other public health problems, the STD rate is more than four times that of arthritis or lung disease, 10 times that of diabetes or heart disease, and almost 175 times that of epilepsy. Yet, we know that most STDs can be prevented or easily cured.
Only through public education can we begin to reverse this growing social/health problem. In turn, we would like to propose periodically submitting to your publication articles about STD, its symptoms, possible complications and/or psychological implications.
Given the immensely important role played by the press in reaching the public, your positive response to helping in this effort would well be appreciated.
Judy Lipshutz Coordinator
Venereal Disease Action Coalition Detroit, MI
BEHIND NME LINES
READERS OF CREEM: From not a million miles (well, about 4,000, but...) away, we protest! The Plimsouls are no ordinary rock band! It’s a great album! Go and buy it now, find out for yourselves! I mean, we never agree on anything, and we all agree you should each own a copy. It’s uplifting, unique, stuffed full of great tracks. (Of course, we can’t even agree on The best tracks, but...) We protest on behalf of the Plimsouls!
Cynthia Rose, Mat Snow, Richard Cook, Barney Hoskins
New Musical Express London, England
IN EXCELSIOR, DIO!
Who is this Eleganza? Do you listen to Lawrence Welk, or what seems to be your problem?
I happen to be a great Ronnie James Dio fan. I know, over the last 10 years heavy metal has developed into an inconspicuous wasteland, and that some sound alike. But c’mon, “hideous little dwarf with a receding hairline”! Are you by any chance insanely jealous of this man? Ronnie just so happens to be one of the greatest heavy metal singers of our time in my opinion, and the day you can carry a melody like him, or “Shriek” like him, will be the day I dismiss Ronald as a medieval fart. You’re green with envy!
P.O. in Neenah, WI
. (No, John is green with decay!—Ed.)
WE ARE S0000 SCARED
Please print this letter or send me some notification at one or all of the addresses listed below. If this letter is printed: 1)1 still want a notification because I do not get your magazine, 2)Little or no alterations in the transcript of this letter may be changed. I shall find out if it is. If I do not get any notification I shall continuously keep writing until I get one. I only want this so I know that you know my opinions.
Cari, Kaitlin & Jennifer Ellicott City, MD
(It’s YOU we want to “know”!—Ed.)
AXE FAX
Due to your articles, I just happened to cross over an article on the Yamaha SBG 200 and bought it. It’s great! Thank you, CREEM, for the ad. If it wasn’t there, I would never have gotten my wonderful guitar!
Rebecca Gina Maulof Hollywood, CA
P.S. John Mendelssohn, improve your attitude!
ZIPPERS & ARMPITS
I’d just like to thank you for the excellent article on Duran Duran in the latest issue of CREEM. Chris Salewicz should be applauded for this fine piece of unbiased journalism.
One thing that really bothers me is the fact that about half of Duran’s fan population doesn’t necessarily like them for their music. Sure, I’d like to lick Nick’s underarms, but he plays one mean synth too.
Jody Terranova
Upland, CA
I just thought you should know that in the Jan. ’84 calendar, Simon Le Bon’s tie is caught on the thing you hold when you pull up your fly—no, that other thing. You know, the one attached to the 'zipper.
Every Waking Moment Looking At Flies
Reno, NV
IT'S A DEAL
Please promise you’ll never print anything on ...Menudo.
Durannie #24883
Somewhere on Planet Earth
CAN THE EDITOR...
Can the editor comment on my letter?
Me
Sacramento, CA (Not today. — Ed.)
TRUTH SELF EVIDENT!
We didn’t appreciate the Star’s Cars article on David Lee Roth in your March issue at all! We know we are speaking for many other readers who love David too! We know he’s real wild and easy goin’ but that’s the way we love him! He just wouldn’t be David Lee Roth without being that way!
Roth Rules!
Garland, TX (Shame, ain’t it?—Ed.)
BUT WHERE'S P.J. SOLES?
Here’s what Joe “Which Way To Club Med” Strummer has been up to recently. As you know, Mick’s out because of a lack of integrity. This blow to the band inspired Joe to write a song for their upcoming album called, of course, VJe Got Integrity. It’s called “Joe Strummer High School,” like the Ramones song:
“Ah, well I don’t care about integrity, uh uh Joe Strummer High School
’Cos that’s not where the money be, uh uh Joe Strummer High School
I just wanna eat haute cuisine And ride around in my limousine
Joe Joe Joe Joe Strummer High School!”
And the Clash announced that Betty Wiggin, formerly with the Shaggs, will replace Paul Simonon on their upcoming tour. Why? “Paul was too handsome,” said Joe. “It took away from our integrity.”
A Cynical Guy
New York, NY
CREEM HAS "BEST" PART?
I think it’s about time we all agreed what the best part of CREEM is. It’s not the record reviews or the calendar, or even the Dreem.
Give up? The best part of CREEM is definitely the captions. That’s right. Those little captions you write under the pictures. Thought I’d let y’all know what the best captions over the past few yearshave been:
1. The Sept. ’82 pic of John Cougar in his Harley Davidson T-shirt—“The shirt just makes me look cool. Actually, I prefer mopeds.”
2. The August ’80 shot of John Lydon—“Photo sessions are fun but I can’t wait to get home and hear me new Kansas album.”
3. The Sept. ’83 shot of Duran Duran—“Yeah, we may look that way but we have more girls than you’ll ever get.”
4. The June ’83 picture of Chrissie Hynde and Martin Chambers—“On their next tour, the Pretenders plan to bring along puppets handcrafted from cuts of meat!”
5. And the unforgettable photo of an airborne Mick Jagger in the Feb. ’84 issue—“Luckily, the prisoner was gunned down before he could menace decent people.”
Keep it up guys. Surprisingly, the captions in the regular issues of CREEM are funnier than the ones in the Rock-Shots mag. CREEM magazine, we readers demand an explanation for this!
Gina
Among The Jersey Toxic Wastes (OK, guys—we better not make up any more letters like this or everybody’ll catch on!—Ed.)
Concerning the captions written under the pictures of your Duran Duran article in the April issue: You are not ONLY ironic, pathetic, AND pitifully sarcastic, but you are also sex-blind, colorblind, and don’t forget, a true hypocrite if ever I knew one. After all, if you don’t like Duran Duran and show it by making rude comments, then why the hell did you put their picture on the cover? I DARE you to answer that!
Duran Duran Rules Forever!
Phoenix, AZ
(Now that’s much better! “Pathetic” always sounds so... realistic!—Ed.)
PREVIOUSLY-OWNED HEADLINE
Are we allowed to make up our own headline?
Stella Tart
Champaign, IL
(No, but you can rent one from us!—Ed.)
FONT, FONT, FONT!
Enjoyed your CREEM Close-up on The New Wave Metal Rock, May ’84, except how come almost all of it (except the Def Leper fan mail replicas) was typeset in JA Avant Garde Light typeface? Wouldn’t Megaron be more apropos?
The Font of Knowledge
Los Angeles, CA
(What does Megaroh mean? Or apropos? Whatever—if you missed CREEM’s Close-up: The New Wave Metal Rock ’N’ Roll (May ’84) or if you just feel like giving us money, send $2.95 [plus $1.50 for postage and handling] this way right now! And if you know what a Megaron or an apropos is, hey —who cares?—Ed.)
HAD TO ASK
My mother refused to answer these two questions! You are the only one I can turn to, and I feel so...so uneducated! Oh, HELP ME! PLEASE!
1.) Who in the world is this Bebe Buell?
2.) Can you explain why there are 100 Smurfs and only one Smurfette?
Carole Wysocki
Orlando, FL
(Answers: 1.] You’re better off not knowing, 2.] Not in THIS magazine we can’t!—Ed.)
HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SNOT
In Nena’s “99 Luftballons” video, right when they close in on one guy, he sniffs like snot’s gonna pour out of his face. Where is his sense of professionalism? This video is gonna be seen by thousands of people. I mean really! If you have a cold, why perform outside when it’s probably minus-two-degrees?
And the same with U2. Out in the cold. In every video, you see them, you see their breath too! Couldn’t they afford to rent some place indoors? They’ll all die of pneumonia in a year, so why do I care?
The Seventh Stranger
Philo, OH
P.S. If the farmer and the cowman become friends, where does that leave their wives?
Anybody ever notice Freddie Mercury combed his armpit hairs for “Radio Ga-Ga”? I did.
Wotta Guy
El Cajon, CA
HAVING OUR BABY!
I’m begging you, please print this letter. Two of my friends wrote in and their letters were printed, so I think I deserve to have my letter printed since I’m a lot cuter than both of them.
I mean, I’m sure I look like a typical CREEM reader. I have no hair, no teeth, and weigh 550 pounds. But that’s not the only reason why you should print this letter. I’m having the entire staff s baby. Yep, every single one. Enclosed I have a self-addressed envelope for the staff to send me the child support in.
Much Love
(Enough already)
Trace from Maryland
LADY SINGS THE BRUISE
After reading your last issue of CREEM, I was sick to hear about that so-called bad boy, Vince Neil from Motley Crue, punching out a defenseless woman in the Rainbow.
I mean, how low can you go, Vinnie boy?
As far as Motley Crue being the bad boys of rock makes me laugh! They remind me of the Three Stooges plus one.
I have never liked this group much, because of their lack of talent and the slimy way they got over, but now they are really a thorn in my black leather hip boots.
Next time Vinnie baby wants to beat up on the female gender, send him my way. He may not make it to the safety of a jail cell.
Lady Steel
BAMsville, CA
USE FOR CREEM DISCOVERED!
Apply to infested area.
The Riddler
Norwalk, CA
NEVER FAIL FUDGE
I hope you guys print this, ’cause it’s really funny.
Q: If Michael Jackson is on the left, “beating it,” and Billy Squier is on the right, “stroking it,” then who is in the middle?
A: Kiss, “licking it up”!
A CREEM Reader
Somewhere, Some State
BIG WORDS SCORNED!
1 hate to make your little heads swell up like hemorrhoids, but...After long years of avoiding Rolling Stone as if it were Rick Johnson’s underwear drawer, I finally picked up a copy at the drugstore (even paid for it and everything). So what do I get for my money? Let the evidence speak for itself—here’s Chris Connelly on the Police: “Such is their power that they stand at the center of what could be called postalienationist rock ’n’ roll”. Wow! Pretty heavy, as the hippies used to say. How ’bout this: “Sting possesses... what John Keats referred to as negative capability.” Had enough? Wait, there’s more: “Sting erects strikingly antinomian forces opposite each other.” Now that’s what I call erecting!
Now contrast all of the above with the pungent comment made by CREEM’s very own Davp DiMartino, reflecting on the very same band (Nov. ’83): “Nyuk nyuk—those guys!”
Need I say more?
And to think that I didn’t mention the Walter Mondale profile, or the epic poetry (“the lightbulb/eats darkness”), or the actual Music Section (how ironic). If this is competition, CREEM can rest sleazy.
Elmo rules,
Ms. B. Gotten
Comparision shopping in Detroit
LATEST UPDATE
You might have seen this letter before in a marker pen style.
S.W.D.
Cat Style, USA
(Those initials seem so familiar...oh God...Sue Whitall’s Dad!—Ed.)
WHAT?
Is that an Elmo in your ear, or did you just forget to clean them?
Nymrod
Weatherford, TX
WORLD SITUATION AVERTED!
I think the world is coming to an end ever since Boy George stepped into it!
Now, on the other hand, if there was more Night Ranger, the world would live longer!
Boy George NO!
Night Ranger YES!
Marchton, AK
(We think the world would live longer i/you shut up!-Ed.)
