"Scorching Fire, warlike Angel of heaven/Please come to our bedrooms!" —Lori & Jenny Rm. 7609

RICK JOHNSON

We get letters. Boy, do we get letters. Every single day, the poor mailman trudges up the rickety back stairway to our perch bearing seven or eight Glad Heavyweight trashbags full of letters that actually glow from the hatred, venom and teenage lust within. The mailman calls it "hazardous duty." We call it "work"!

People always ask us who we hire to write these crazy letters. If only! Then we could fire the guy! Daily! But honest injun, cool brutes—we unconditionally guarantee we could never make up stuff this wacky. You should see the ones we can't print!

For well over a year, close to half of the mail has been on the subject of Def Leppard. You know, the half that aren't about the fantasies of freckle-faced little schoolgirls in Indiana concerning perverted acts of gross depravity with assorted members of Duran Duron, their management, roadies, families, pets, and more flexible pieces of furniture.

We thought you might like a look at the pronouncements of Leppard Nation for yourself, so you can compare notes with your fellow maniacs. It has nothing to do with the fact that we don't have to pay anybody anything ever for the material. Purely coincidental!

First, The Bad News...

Not every single Def Leppard letter we receive is inspired by young lust. A fair number are inspired by young hate. Some of 'em are funny. Some are not. One thing for sure—all of 'em make us wanna skip out!

I have five things to say:

1. Joe Elliott is gay.

2. Steve Clark is a wimp.

3. Phil Collen will never be able to take Pete Willis’s place.

4. Rick Savage looks like a girl.

5. Rick Allen has beautiful eyes.

6. Def Leppard sucks.

7. Who needs to know how to count?

Leppard sucks/Priest rules

Oakland, CA

To Def Leppard Fans:

Now you read this and read it good. I am thoroughly disgusted with the comparison of Def Leppard and Led Zeppelin. There is no goddamned competition, Def Lep lose. Who the hell would want to listen to Def Leppard? I’ll tell ya who, people with holes in their heads. People who dig DL should fucking grow up and get with it. DL are the ugliest looking motherfuckers I’ve seen in my life. Zep rule and Jimmy Page is king, god and the master forever.

Lucifer’s Child of the Damned

No Address

Now The Good News...

This is more like it. The many ways of expressing Lep-luv still surprise and "delight" us: gigantic multi-colored envelopes addressed in cottage cheese, little teeny baby notes scrawled in imaginary foreign languages, and the occasional burned article which arrives in ashes and usually falls in our lap. Very funny.

Ya wanna know why I like writing to CREEM? 'Cause ya can sound like a lunatic and no one will ever notice! I have a very special message I am in desperate need for you to publish. It's to the guys in my favorite hand—Def Leppard.

Joe: God, you’re gorgeous! I love your Union Jack shirts!

Phil: You are a fox! You’ve got the cutest smile!

Sav: You’re one helluva bade! Your leopard spotted pants are HOT!

Steve: You’re so good looking! My friend Michelle would be great for you! She loves ya so much! Does she sound tempting? She’s 5’6”, brown hair, brown eyes, and willing. My measurements are 36-24-36.

Don’t forget to publish this, OK? It’s super important they see it.

Joe Elliott’s sister and the future Mrs. Allen

Alright, I’ve finally lost all respect for myself and have decided to write to you guys. I didn’t want to do it but I can’t hold back any longer. I LOVE Def Leppard! Not only because they are so damn good looking, but because their music is great! Although many people have told me that “High ’N’ Dry’’ is better than “Pyromania,” I think the latter album is outrageous! Joe Elliott’s sexy voice just makes me want to scream! Plus all of those great guitar solos by Phil and Steve. And of course, I can’t forget the great drum and bass players, Rick A. and Rick S. They have got to be the best looking group! Just thinking about them makes me hot! I am so glad that “Photograph” and “Rock Of Ages” are on MTV! That way, I can see ’em every day! Yum! I can’t wait until they come back. I just hope they’re prepared for when I meet them, cuz I know what I’m gonna do!

I think Def Leppard is the best! All of the group is sooo good looking! They all seem like some of the nicest, most decent cool guys in rock, especially in new wave metal. Anyway, I heard you could write them at Polygram Records. Well, I know they’re on the road a lot and extremely busy. I would really like to write them, but could you tell me truthfully, if there is any way they would ever get the letters themselves? I would really appreciate it.

Norcross, CA

At Least They Spelled CREEM Right.

Us money-grubbing oinkists would like nothing better than for Def Lep fans to think of the band and our mag in the same mental breath. Got commercial potential written all over it. Of course, it's not likely we'll ever be awarded a platinum magazine for phenomenal sales, but it's a thought...

I noticed that you guys didn’t print any Def Leppard letters in the most recent ish. I thought you might not be getting them anymore [Don't we wish!—Ed.] so I wrote this one so you’d have one.

Steve Clark, I love you and hope that the next Def Leppard album comes out a lot sooner than this fall, which is when I heard it would be out. You are as sexy as Joe is and I think you should get more media attention than you do. If you weren’t almost nine years older than me, I would have already been following you around America. Please don’t get married until ’86 when I graduate.

Steve Clark for CREEM DREEM!

Tami S.

‘‘Putney’’, WV

I recently bought my first CREEM magazine. I was reading the article about DEF LEPPARD and I was wondering, how can you become a person like Dave DiMartino? I love Def Lep and a lot of other rock groups! I would love not only to meet DD but do what he does!

Deanna Wilkerson

Maderia, OH

P.S. Recently they came to Cincinnati and I went to see them with Billy Squier and loved it so much!

(How did Billy like 'em?—Ed.)

C’mon, CREEM! You guys have everything right except that you just don’t print enough on Def Leppard. Now if you could do that, you have it made. Def Leppard has got to be the hottest British group around and you’re just not printing enough on them! I would love to read more about the five sexiest guys around: Joe Elliott, Rick Savage, Steve Clark, Rick Allen and Phil Collen. So would you please, I beg of you, WRITE SOME MORE (LOTS MORE) ABOUT DEF LEPPARD! And I know I’m not just speaking for myself, there are thousands of other DL fans out there saying, ‘ ‘Yeah, why doesn’t CREEM write more about Def Lep?’’ Thanks! Oh, and lots of photos too.

Lisa M.

San Leandro, CA

P.S. Don’t forget and please hurry!

Porch Light Out

Here we go! CREEM's been known to receive the occasional weird letter, not to mention strange, odd, peculiar, curious, quaint, outlandish, eccentric, aberrant, freakish or freaky, fantastic, incredible, grotesque, outre, peregrine, uncouth, exotic, and vaguely abnormal. Try a few of these on yourself, but don't expect to be able to walk—or even draw—a straight line afterward.

My friend and I are heavy metal attics. We are addicted to it. But we have one question. This concerns Def Leppard! We have to know this! When is Joe Elliott’s birthday? Please tell us! Michelle (Short Shit) Schweitzer & Christy (Sexy) Russell No add

Anyone who doesn’t like heavy metal should sit in a jar and fart!

Metal Maniac

Lakeland, FL

I am a devoted Def Leppard fan and I’m writing in response to your May article on Lep. You said someone named Ginger Baker was to join the band on drums soon. Is Ginger a girl or a guy? And, why is "it” joining Def Leppard anyway?

Devoted Def Lep fan

Hicktown, MO

P.S. Also, could you write the vital statistics on all of the band?

I really like your magazine. I don’t buy it. I read my sister Moe’s CREEM. She is mad at you. She says you never print her letters, so she ain’t ever gonna write you again. But she still says she is in love with "Ed.” and she wants a date. She don’t want me to write you, but she says I can use her stationary. Friday was my birthday,

and now I’m 11. I like Def Leppard a ^lot. Moe’s favorite is still Joan Jett.

Joan Jett is my second favorite and so is "Fake Friends.” CREEM, you’re really funny, and I’m going to start writing you a lot.

Matt "The Fart” Johnston

Yukon, OK

P.S. I’m adopted.

Joe Elliott—

The Next Simon Le Bon?

Every group has its heart throb. The Stones have Micky, Loverboy has Mikey, Journey has... it'll come to us...

Every golden syllable that exits Joe Elliott’s mouth makes me want to lick his boots and grovel at his feet.

A Def Leppard

Stillborn, OH

I like Def Leppard. I love Joe Elliott. You know what I like about Joe? I like his inviting, "greeny-bluey” eyes, I love his voice, I love his shoulders. He looks like a real gentle, caring person. (Someday, Joe, I’ll know for sure) You know what I’d like to do with him? Yeah, that too, but I was talking about partying. White and red are definitely Joe’s colors. Rick Savage looks like a real lady’s man (I like that). Rick Allen looks like the sweetest guy anyone could meet (Jesus Christ, this is one hell of an ego booster). Phil Collen looks like a real dude (that came straight from the heart). Steve Clark looks like a moody guy with a good sense of humor. Def Lep rules! (Oh, and guys—be prepared to see my colleague and I the summer of ’86). See ya then!

A Def Leppard Fan (could ya tell?)

Middle of Nowhere, East Coast (Very fine use of parentheses! Are you by chance related to Richard C. Walls?—Ed.)

Hello America!

Did you know that I love Joe Elliott? Well, now you do! He’s a fox! He’s sexy! He has great taste in music! I love his voice! I love his hair! Joe has a sexy nose! He has a sexy mouth! He has sexy eyes! I have Def Leppard pictures everywhere! I have all their records! Almost anything I see with Def Leppard written on it, I buy! Joe wears sexy clothes!

I hate it when Def Leppard gets hurt! I hate the dildo who threw a piece of wood at Joe! Joe’s a fox when he’s all sweaty! Joe was NOT FAT, just a little chubby, but still just as sexy and as good lookin’ as he is now! I love Joe with all heart and soul!

On Leppard’s “Rock Of Ages,’’ you know, the part that goes “What do you want?’’ Well I always answer it with, “I want you, Joe! ’ ’ instead of ‘ ‘I want rock ’n’ roll!’’ [That's funny, we answer it, "A paid vacation to Tide Country!"— Ed.] I also want DL to come to my house!

Joe has a nice smile! He also has a nice body! I love Joe! I miss Pete Willis! Phil, if you’re reading this, nothing personal! I mean, if Pete was gonna be replaced, I’m glad it was with you! Right? I love Joe even more when he sings songs like “Cornin’ In Under Fire." Especially the line, “Take a chance, come lay down with me”! I wish I could take him up on his offer!

Leppard—if you’re reading this, keep rockin’ til you drop, and get WASTED! You ARE the Rock of Ages, and are doing the best damn job possible in maintaining your position! Now that’s something to celebrate and get wasted for! Def Lep is the damn kickass band of the ’80s! DL rocks, rolls, and CONTROLS!

Happy birthday, Joe. I’m truly in love with you!

Lost in a pile of Def Lep fan mail,

BS

P.S. BS doesn’t stand for bullshit, either!

The sun rises in the morning and the moon rises at night—but Joe Elliott’s ALWAYS rising! That’s one of the many things I love about Def Leppard. Hey, Ed.—d’ya think Joe was born with it up?

And please add this, you guys—see, I don’t have the money to put it in classifieds...couldn’t ya put it in as part of my letter? Cuz it is!:

If anyone out there wants to discuss Joe or any other member of Def Leppard, please write to me and I promise to write back!

Rachel

13555 Aldrin Ave.

Doway, CA 92064

Bullwinkle’s Corner

Roses are red, violets are blue, CREEM readers are out of their fucking gourds, do de do de dooooo...

Doody Howdy—I mean Boy Howdy! We would like to applaud CREEM for the profile on Def Leppard in the December issue. Your taste has improved 100%.

Also, we would be eternally grateful if you would print our little poem... RABID PARAKEETS Noisy winged things,

Birds Shut up!!!

We don’t like Joy or Denise...

Let loose our pets,

Rabid parakeets.

There,

No more competition for us. Celebrate!

Rabid parakeets.

Thanx,

The Elite Members of LADY STRANGE Monroeville, PA

Heavenly father full of grace, Bless Def Leppard’s foxy faces, Bless their hair which sometimes curls,

And keep them safe from all the girls.

Bless their little noses and toes,

And keep them safe wherever they go,

Bless their hands so big and strong, And help them don’t stay where they belong.

Give me will power for you know why,

I’ll tell you one thing,

I bet they’re not shy,

I love them, Lord, so please don’t tell,

But do make sure that they are well.

Bless the tears that I have shed, Especially those alone in bed,

They have their faults for you know why,

Bless them Lord, ’cause they’re damn cute guys.

Melissa Rodriguez Harlingerr, TX

We believe there is a god in the fire. We beg our god for music, love & pleasure, we pray to Joe Elliott, the fire god.

Scorching fire, warlike Angel of heaven,

Thou, the love of my heart,

Thou, the fiercest of thy brethren, Judge thou my case...

Burn, 0 Fire, the music that Bewitches us,

Give us rock ’n’ roll,

Sing us rock ’n’ roll,

Give us love and pleasure,

Sing to us, 0 Fire god.

For we are the Rock Brigade, Consume us, 0 Fire,

Love us, 0 Fire,

Take hold of us,

Scorching Fire, warlike Angel of heaven,

(Please) come to our bedrooms. AOR,

Lori Layne & Jenny Blomfield RM. 7609

P.S. The god has a great bod, you know?

P.P.S. Dig the crotch scene in the video, ‘Foolin’”!

In The Flesh

Some fans have been fortunate enough to meet the guys in person. Here's what they thought...

Def Leppard is a great band, but I think Joe Elliott is getting on an ego trip in a big way. I recently saw the band in Ohio. I wanted a backstage pass so bad ’cause I really admire these guys. Well, I begged for about three hours. I did manage to talk to Steve Clark and Rick Allen, who were extremely nice, and some of the members of Krokus. I did manage to get one after some socializing with a roadie, which is not my style, but for Def Lep, nothing seemed too bad. After the show which, by the way, was great, all of us privileged with backstage passes waited for DL to do some partying and at least sign an autograph. There were only about 20 people left by the time they made their grand appearance. Steve Clark signed autographs but Elliott acted very high and extremely dry about the whole affair. As Elliott rushed by, I held his arm, trying to say Hi. I was the only one trying—I guess the others felt too intimidated by his presence. But Elliott was in too much of a hurry to leap on his bus.

I know rock bands can’t talk to every fan or sign their names a hundred times, but this was a joke! What is a backstage pass, anyway? I think that it’s just a good excuse for the roadies to have something to bargain with. Joe, you’re a great singer but wake up! We are your fans and without us you would still be warming up for five bands at Legend Valley, Ohio (remember that one?), with no one knowing or caring who you guys were. I love you guys. Just learn to talk a little more or make your backstage passes easier to get, ’cause they’re not worth the price a fan has to pay.

Def Leppard Fan

(Only some of the members of Krokus?— Ed.)

Well, well, well...thank you just so very much for that metal issue with its big feature on THE ONLY HEAVY METAL/HARD ROCK BAND THAT MATTERS, Def Leppard. It just so happens that I was lucky enough to get myself backstage to not one, but two of their concerts. And NO, I didn’t have to fuck anyone to do it. Anyway, do you know what? They are 100 times BETTER looking than in pictures!

OK girls, imagine...I could not believe how gorgeous they all were. Usually people look worse in real life. Take Van Halen, for example. But that’s a whole other story. Wanna know what else? They know how to PARTY! And Joe Elliott has THE most incredible...shoulders (amongst other things). And Rick Allen smells really nice.. .REALLY nice. But the thing that impressed me the most about these English sweeties was that they were the nicest bunch of guys anyone could ever want to meet. No kidding. And if anyone out there ever gets the opportunity, don’t pass it up. They’re worth it.

DEF LEPPARD RULES!!!!!

DL’s #1 Fan,

Cloud Nine, NJ

A friend and I just recently had the pleasure (?!) of meeting the guys in Def Leppard. Needless to say, they all had girlfriends with them except for ‘‘funny-guy’’ Phil. They were nice enough to let us get pix of them, though, especially Steve and Phil. As far as Rick A., Rick S., and Joe go, they can go beat off somewhere!

I can’t say that I dislike them because I don’t. I still love them all but I sure have lost respect for those three. I’m sure that they care for their fans but I wonder how much. I don’t think they were “having a bad day” either, because a lot of people say the same thing about them. I wonder if they realize how this makes loyal fans feel?

Joe, Rick and Sav, Dayton still loves ya, but get whatever ya got up your asses out!

Pull out the cobs, guys!

JG and PG

Dayton, OH

P.S. We weren’t even acting like groupies!

(Maybe that was the problem!—Ed.)

“Real” Life

Sometimes, Lep adulation spills over into reality. Sometimes, reality just plain spills...

RE: Def Leppard’s August 24 concert in Providence, RI:

How ignorant can a body become without trying? I am referring to the person (I use the term loosely) who threw a piece of wood onstage. The result of which was an injury to Joe Elliott. Lep was there to entertain, not to take their lives in their hands.

Why would anyone do such an assinine thing? Don’t some people realize that the band is there for them? Lep didn’t have to play Providence, they played for the fans. Why should they be repaid by having things tossed at them? Lep, thanks for coming back on after that occurence. You would have been justified in leaving, but you didn’t. Joe, I hope someday you can return the favor to that “fucking bastard.”

Darlene Morris Worchester, MA

Dear Joe, Rick, Rick, Steve and Phil, LAURA: Hi guys! How’s it hanging? It’s us again, your #1 fans from Newton, Massachusetts, Kathy and Laura!

KATHY: Hi cuties, how are ya? We’re going to your concert again at the Cape Cod Colliseum on June 25th! I can’t wait! •

LAURA: Me neither! We’re getting front row center even if it kills us! KATHY: Yeah, and it probably will! But we don’t give a shit! You guys are great in concert! Hey Joe! Please wear your white scarf and give it to the girl with the shirt that says, I LOVE JOE ELLIOTT! Please!

LAURA: We’re trying to get backstage passes, but some guy said we have to sleep with him to get them.

KATHY: We’d do anything to meet you guys, but that guy was a fuckin’ pig! If we had to sleep with you guys, that would be a totally different story! LAURA: Yeah, that guy was gross! Hey Rick! Don’t hide behind your drum set so much, you have a nice body just like the other guys! Show it off!

KATHY: Yeah! We’re gonna keep trying to get backstage passes!

LAURA: I guess we’ll see you guys soon then! Bye!

KATHY: Yeah, very soon! WE LOVE YA! See ya!

#1 Fans of Def Leppard Kathy & Laura Newton, MA

ATTENTION: The Surgeon General has concluded that Def Leppard music can be hazardous to your health! Don’t snicker, fellow peons, you too can fall prey to this terrifyingly mean menace!

As I was cruising down the road the other day, listening for the absolute 508,000,000,000th time, I heard, “I don’t need your/I don’t want yoooooooooouuur photo...” (I’m sure you know the tune) and this jerk takes a left and starts heading down the street towards me. Hey, fine, but it was a goddamn ONE WAY STREET! Now that my car looks like a compact economy size accordian, I am going to take legal action against Joe (mmmmm b-b-baby) Elliott and his motley bunch on grounds of ‘‘metal health” at the time of the accident.

If I hear one peep from ‘‘Pyromania” again, I will personally hunt all four trillion records down and proceed to EAT EVERY ONE, PIECE BY PIECE!

Thank you! No more!

Laid Up

Vista, CA

P.S. Are you the guys who keep making them wear that funny red lipstick?

Insanity Plea

We've always known there's something seriously wrong with people who read this magazine. We won't even get into the ones who work here.

I LOVE RICK SAVAGE SO MUCH I’D EAT A BUCKET OF HIS SHIT!

Paula L.

Borger, TX

To anybody in a depressed-enough state to be reading this:

Q: What do you call a cow that’s had an abortion?

A. Decalfinated!

Queen of the Punks

Wendy the Wench

Upper Marlboro, MD

My ambition in life is to be Joe Elliott’s underwear.

K.

Alabama

Hello/Hey

I’m insane/no you’re not! I have a split personality/no, I have the split personality! I like your magazine a lot/it makes me want to puke on my cat! I am a fanatical Def Leppard fan/I hate...no, I like Def Leppard! Hey, we finally agreed on something/no we didn’t! Stop contradicting me!/I’m not contradicting you! Yes you are/no, I’m not! Yes you are/no I’m not!...

Signed/outta here

Kathy/Sav

P.S. Sav stands for Sarcastic and Vicious/no it doesn’t! Yes it does/no it doesn’t...